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W and I talked yesterday about me picking up the bags and about D7 wanting to stay more at my place. We did it on the phone and then again later when I picked up the bags.

We agreed upon me having a day more every second week that is scheduled and then for me to have D7 some days out of schedule. S11 said it would be fine when I talked to him about it but unfortunately I am not sure I trust him entirely.
The schedule works fine for me smile In fact I am thrilled!
Only issue to this is that W seems to expect me giving days back to her so she can have D7 alone as well but I won’t address this until it becomes an issue. I have also thought a lot about how this must have hurt W….I would have been devastated if this was the other way around.

It is hard for me to find these new “rhythm’s” when I communicate with W. I forget to ask her a few open ended questions. I have learned the habit of doing the opposite over time and I guess it will take a little time to find my way back. Hard part is unlearning something that seemed so counter intuitive and therefore took a long time to learn. I will get there soon and I have changed my reading towards this subject.
The interactions yesterday were all fine and pleasant and it feels like the talk Thursday has enabled us to communicate a teeny tiny little bit deeper. Hard to explain!


On a totally other level we got a new employee at work. It’s a woman that I slept with more than 20 years ago. She is a single mother today and I don’t know whether she has a BF or not. I have found myself wondering about her. That’s the second time something like this has happened to me during the past 1½ year.
Feels good in some peculiar manner and at the same time it feels like cheating in another peculiar manner smile

I still struggle with my financials that seems to be the only part left of me that I need to get sorted out.


Ds came yesterday and that is as always fantastic. We will enjoy the upcoming weekend. I have booked concert-tickets to a family-concert with a local pop-idol that children love. It will be great showing Ds what a concert actually is.

All good - I am just fine!

Sandi,
Thanks for the advice! I will follow it but this is harder for me than I thought as you might be able to read in the above.
I will work on my communication with a goal of getting the talks to last a little bit longer and for W and I to share a little bit more of what happens and maybe even more important what will happen.
Thanks again laugh


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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Not that much to report on the W-front.
I called her yesterday and told her about D7s reactions towards spending more time here and her reaction when I told her that karate will be difficult in the time to come.
D7 ran up and down the floor shouting in joy with her hands raised in the air, when I told her that she gets more time and then she got sad when I told her that it is not 50/50 but close. She also got sad when I told her about karate but we had a good talk.

The woman from work and I texted a lot yesterday evening and ended up putting a “date” in the calendar.
This is MAJOR for me and if somebody had asked me Monday this week if I was about to do something like this I would had said “Nope, not in any way – I am not ready for that!”.
I have thought a lot about it and I want to do this. I have absolutely no idea where this decision will take me, if it is wise, if I am ready and then some, but I do know that I enjoy female company for the first time in 1½ year and that I have been having “thought’s” blush . The “date” is in ten days since we both have busy schedules.
The woman and I have talked for 1-2 hours at work so I don’t even know her. I will take it very slow, try to enjoy and be honest with her about where I am at the moment.

I ask myself every half hour if this means I am not standing anymore and I have no answer to it – I am in unknown territory here as so many times before in all of this. It certainly means that the rope is getting thinner.

I got the chickens smile
When all of this started I wanted chickens – never got them! Got rabbits and ducks but every time I tried to find some chickens something went wrong. Yesterday three chickens arrived and more will hopefully follow.
I went through my lists from when all of this started – oh boy a lot have happened to me, my life, my children – it all. Getting chickens is another mark on the list and the list from then almost done now. Lot’s have been added since so it is still long wink


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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I am home after a short businesstrip to Spain.

W has been texting the usual stuff: How a parents meeting at school turned out, that D7 would like a day alone with her so D5 has to come here someday alone and that D7 is so sad about karate – it seems like these things will continue. I don’t know if W is plain informing me or if she is trying to guilt me into reconsidering my decision…and to be honest I simply don’t care!
I made the right decision for now in these regards.

I feel the rope loosening, I find my thoughts drifting less and less towards W, I have found my motivation at work and my partners have expressed how pleased they are with me at the moment. I feels like order is coming out of the chaos I have been through.
I feel good and I feel aware. It is a strange feeling and hard to explain. I see things in new perspectives and I feel more alive than I have done in many years and it shines through in my daily interactions with other people…it feels good!

I am still texting with this new woman. She will visit me on Monday and although I am scared sh!tless I also look very much forward to this. I hope we will have a nice afternoon and evening.

I have changed my reading patterns. His needs, her needs is back on the shelf. I am now reading about attraction and sex. One of the issues W and I had was sex and WHEN I find myself naked with a woman (W or not) at some point in the future – I want to do better!
His needs her needs will not be forgotten!

Sunday I have my first 110 km bikeride and look forward to that as well.

I still struggle with workissues. I wonder if I should change my career and my look on workissues….but for now I will leave it be.
I am fine and I will be even better!


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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F,

I continue to feel that you are too rigid. YOUR feeling is that karate had to go because it was the day you changed children. Was that your d's feeling?


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
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Well….Date is over and it was amazing!
The woman (from hereon she) came here at 5PM and we just started talking. Went for a walk on the beach talking, plucked berries talking, cooked and talked – just talked and not about small matters. We talked about the deep stuff! We laughed, she cried a little when talking about hurtful stuff – it was so honest and nice!

She is my opposite! ….or perhaps she is just opposite to old me! She is vegetarian and I am a hunter that breeds and slaughters ducks, rabbits and chickens. She is an actor and standup-comedian and very extrovert – I am in business and very introvert. She is bi-sexual and old me would have run as fast and far away as possible. She lives in town and I in the country – the list is long but we talked about many of these issues and as we dived into them one by one we discovered that we are not that far apart on most of the issues. I listened mostly and she talked – I found myself listening without judging. I simply just accepted her POV as hers and I didn’t need to convince her towards mine.
It was awesome talking to a single-mom and having her POVs on single-parenting and her XHs caring for their son. Men and women sure have different eyes and views. She opened my eyes towards many of the good things I do but also towards many of the good things W does.

We talked until around 11.30PM and then I kissed her. I took me a long time to man up – I felt so insecure and I feared a rejection like I have never done before all though she was giving me signals (like a foot- and hand massage) that even a blind man could not have missed.
She spent the night in my bed. We did not go all the way – but some – and afterwards we slept and woke up arm in arm.

It felt crazy wakening with a woman in my bed. I would have sworn 3 weeks ago that this could not happen for at least a year and here I find myself….and I am not feeling bad! While wakening up I thought of W. At least a year ago Sandi2 told me to look at W as Rhet Butler on Scarlett – the “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”. Today I felt that exact way: I really don’t give a damn. This is not meant in anyway as I want her to feel bad. On the contrary I hope she feels good – but if she is happy or not doesn’t change a dime in my life! As long as W is a good parent and we continues to co-parent in the way we do now, W can feel, act and do as whatever W likes!

The morning was a bit awkward but I think that is normal after an evening of that kind. I had meetings all day and afterwards I went to her place for a cup of coffee. Stayed and talked for an hour. It was nice!
I have told her that I want to take things slowly. That I need time and that I am not ready to commit. I want to be honest and if she can’t handle this or if she is in another place then so be it – but for now I really hope to enjoy some more time with this new woman in my life!
It will be hard to meet up at work pretending nothing happened smile

I can’t put the words on my feelings about me these days! I feel better than ever! I feel alive, aware and present! My life is filled with nice experiences as a single dad, as a parent, a friend and after I got my sh!t together at work, even that rocks! I feel that my goal of being through this process by the end of 2014 will be accomplished. If I can get my financials sorted I will be a happy man!


TO ANY NEWBIES READING THIS!
I urge you to read some of my first posts in here! I was a mess – as bad as they come!
There is a way through all of this and the sun shines once you get there!
Do the work, follow the advice from the VETs, educate yourself and do focus on YOU!


LTH,
As always thanks for chiming in! It is very much appreciated!
D7 got very sad about the karate! I haven’t discussed the matter with D5 since I wouldn’t trust or act on her answer anyway.
I have discussed my decision with my shrink and with friends that knows Ds and they agree. It might come out as rigid but for now it is better to mind Ds hurt and daily life than it is to give in to D7s wish. I am almost certain that W shares your view fully and even some part of me agrees with you.
I am certain that right now it is the right decision I have made but it will be evaluated in 2-3 months and at that time Ds might be ready – at the moment they are not.


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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Quote:
She spent the night in my bed. We did not go all the way – but some – and afterwards we slept and woke up arm in arm.


Wow! After that first kiss, your insecurity must have vanished.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Interactions with W seems so easy and few at the moment. All interactions are still pleasant and fine but I haven’t spoken with W for 8-10 days. We have texted a little about practicals but other than that – nothing.
I now have more days where she is not the first thought in my mind than the other way around.

I feel my self-confidence and self-worth returning and I feel people around me enjoying my company. I get so many positive strokes from all around these days that it seems crazy.
I know I have written about this several times before but I simply can’t find the words to describe what goes on and how it makes me feel. I have an appointment at shrink next week and for the first time in 1½ year I believe I can tell her that I am a happy man and believe in the words myself.
Next task for me is to make sure that this stays in me for the rest of my life and that will be my next task with shrink. Furthermore I want to keep on educating and changing me.
I will change my view on shrink from somebody that helps me get through troubled times to somebody that helps me stay on the path.

I have thought a lot about the above for the past days and at first I thought the new woman was a catalyst towards these feelings but now I believe that this has been sneaking in on me for several months. I simply haven’t seen or recognized the signs of me feeling better and better. Looking back I realize that friends, shrink, business partners and others has seen it and they have told me – I just didn’t want to see, hear or believe.
New woman has pushed this process but she didn’t start it.
I believe that I have taken a new step in this process several weeks ago but as always I am the last one to see it! I don’t know if I am totally detached or if the rope is gone – if not, I am certainly getting closer!


I have seen new woman twice more and we have ML.
It is so hard working next to her and pretending she is just an employee or co-worker but we both manage OK at the moment. She will stop working here in three weeks.

My insecurity is gone but on a sexual level I am certainly not functioning as I used to. That goes for body and brain.
On the brain-level I find myself caring more about her feeling good, safe and secure than I ever had with anybody. The actual cuddling (I believe this is the word but I am not sure) was second, third or lower. I wanted her to feel good.
I did smile – she has told me, on more than one occasion, that she is experiencing a feeling of security that she has never felt before. She just felt good and like I was respecting and caring for her. She felt safe. She told me that I signals strength, I come out deliberate, thoughtful, caring and many other positive things – and that I am a great kisser smile That these things add up to her wanting to ML and to be honest she initiates all. I took the first step when kissing her the first time but from thereon she has been initiating.
I see all the things I have been reading about women acted out. Foreplay is talk and touch and if you do that from a truthful and honest place….the rest takes care of itself (or she does)
I understand that she is on to me and that she is only seeing positives at the moment, but still this is what she told me. Compared to all my thoughts for the past year and until few weeks ago this seems crazy. I can have this impact on a stranger smile I am not a shadow anymore.

This is also so opposite to old me! I stalked W for sex (not ML!!) I cared about me!
It is also so completely opposite to what I got used to hearing from W. I can surely see why W told me what she did but when hearing the same thing over and over I actually starts to believe it and then I start acting it. It is a vicious circle that only leads downwards and I let it happen.
I understand the difference between new and old partners –but this is more than just that. So much more!
Best part is that I don’t act-as-if, I don’t think about my words or doings – it just comes natural to me!


My body doesn’t work as it used to. It might be due to the fact that I haven’t been naked with a woman for 20 or more months or it might be due to the totally changed focus. I could see and feel that my physical lack of reactions made her feel insecure, so I told her in few words that it wasn’t her but me. I told her that I might need some time to get used to a woman’s attention. That time and patience is important words in my life!
We met up again yesterday and the day before. Body worked better but still nothing like it used to. I had the exact same experience with my focus once again.


The upcoming weekend is filled with good stuff!
Future looks bright!
Still need financials sorted out!
I still have absolutely no idea where all of this will take be but I am certain that it will be to a good place as long as I stick with my new knowledge and new ways!


SANDI,
I don’t know how to comment on your latest post because I read some irony or likewise in it that might be due to language smile So I have decided just to take it straight on as if there is no irony in it.

You are completely right! My insecurity disappeared instantly. I do hope the above explains my thoughts on this matter.


LTH,
Due to your last post a had a long talk with the educated adults at D5’s kindergarten yesterday. They experience her troubles on shifting days first hand and without me telling about my decisions they told me:
That D5 is hurting a lot on these days. That she needs these days in a firm schedule in regards of pickup time, eating time, bedtime and so on. That she needs peace these days. When I told them about D7s karate and what kind of schedule that would put on D5 they told in very strict words that in their opinion that would be a no-go for now.
They know D7 as well.
Thanks LTH smile


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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No, I did not mean any irony. I was just shocked to see how quickly things moved. I am not judging. I just want you to be happy. (And not forget to use protection if you don't want to increase the size of your family. Honestly, I don't know how you could afford all the birthday parties!).

Well maybe meeting new women will help you know if you really want to reconcile with W or not. You should not feel that you have to "settle", but rather, have the "best". You have had a tough 20 months and have done a ton of work on yourself. Enjoy life, stay smart and make good decisions.

I didn't intend for that to sound like a goodbye.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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What an absolutely amazing week!

Children have been awesome and they have paid me more compliments than ever. D7 has started to say “I love you” and that is not the normal. She is hugging me in public and at school – WOW! She has been through this period were emotional statements in public is “embarrassing” smile She still wants more time with me and especially just her and me.


New woman is fantastic. We have spent some time and two nights together but due to her schedule (she has S11) and mine being very different we only have every second Monday without children. That makes things a little difficult because I really want to get to know her but meeting children at this stage is a no go – for me and her. We have talked very openly about this and many other matters.

She D’ed 8 years ago and has been single since then. She has been through a lot of hurt and hardship and she wears her scars as I wear mine. She seems to be in touch with them and she is working on herself all the time. She started working herself seriously about a year ago. She sees T, she reads and she GALs. She seems to be a great mother and her R to the father is OK.

One part (and the biggest part) of me just wants to rush into this new exciting R. I am so intrigued with new woman. She certainly has it all and she is filling my tanks to the top and above these days. At the same time I am so afraid that this is just a reaction because of the lack of intimacy I have experienced. I fear that I am about to start something that I shouldn’t but then again I also fear throwing away something good and beautiful.

Another part wants to run away and stay single. I was starting to get the hang of this, I felt good and I felt free. W was very often in my head but I was doing all right. At the same time I want to share life with a woman and this one seemingly has it all.

Final part still thinks of W and R with her. This would be the best solution for kids, W and me but only if W and I would be able to REALLY sort things out. It is one humongous IF! I do not know W anymore but I am not especially impressed with what I see. It doesn’t seem like she is looking inwards and until that happens no R can happen. At the moment I have only little doubts towards this: If W knocked on my door tomorrow and asked to talk about R – I would send her home! I can’t see myself living with her right now.
On the other hand I know nothing. “Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see” still goes!


Looking back at the past two weeks seems absolutely crazy. I have been working on me for so long and I have felt it as nothing happened and suddenly life just explodes right in my face. I see things around me so clearly when I take my time to journal, talk to shrink or just sit alone with a cup of tea but when I enters the world everything seems to have changed in two weeks. I trust the issue here is – once again – that I didn’t recognize the changes when they happened. They sneaked in on me. Friends, shrink and others see them clearer because they don’t follow me as I do. It’s like the story of the boiling frog.

LTH, Sandi2 and my shrink has asked me several times if I really wants to R with W. I have felt no uncertainty at all when answering yes to this Q – maybe the people around me sees me clearer than I do. Maybe my doubts, my lack of confidence, my low self-esteem and self-worth, my focus on change and all of this have made me blind to where I actually am and maybe – just maybe – that place of feeling good is actually where I have been for a long time and this new woman just made me realize this.

Case is that I feel privileged living my life these days smile This doesn’t change my view on D and the children but it certainly changes my view on me!

Originally Posted By: sandi2
No, I did not mean any irony. I was just shocked to see how quickly things moved. I am not judging. I just want you to be happy. (And not forget to use protection if you don't want to increase the size of your family. Honestly, I don't know how you could afford all the birthday parties!).

Thanks for clarifying smile – and thanks Sandi; I would never ever have found this place if you hadn’t helped and pushed me! You will forever be in the back of my mind and in my prayers.
Things have moved so extremely fast and it has taken me completely by surprice - I would never have guessed on this development - ever!
I would very much like your opinion on this.
Is this normal? Is it normal that suddenly LBHs feels like being through?
What should be my next concern?

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Well maybe meeting new women will help you know if you really want to reconcile with W or not. You should not feel that you have to "settle", but rather, have the "best". You have had a tough 20 months and have done a ton of work on yourself. Enjoy life, stay smart and make good decisions.
I didn't intend for that to sound like a goodbye.

You won’t get rid of me that easily smile Journaling in here helps me a lot and hopefully at some point I feel I have the knowledge to pay some of this forward to others.
I certainly do not want to settle – I want the best of the best and I feel I deserve it wink New woman is fantastic but it is still so new and untested that to be honest it can all fall apart tomorrow.
Time and patience, right wink


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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Hi F. I haven't posted in a while but still read theads. It sounds like you are doing well. I also met someone new. She has been a wonderful addition to our lives here. I do find that the pain from my sitch still exists. I even find myself thinking or reacting to ideas or situations in old ways based on conditioning i had during my M. Old habits die hard i guess. I stop myself beforw i react to things "out loud".

My GF has been very open and honest
She has been thru this too. I have let go of my W and rhe D process is almost sone. Still i find myself mindful of where i came from and how i got to this place. I am determined to let this be all that it can. I dont.know what the future holds. Does tjis sound familiar in you experience?


me: 47, W:49
M 16.5 years
T 17 years
Three kids - D17,D14, S13
Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13
Bomb drop 11/29/13
W moved out 12/5/13
I Retained L 2/20/14
D filed 3/17/14
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