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So really? Get him a backscratcher? isn't that sort of obnoxious, especially since I crave the intimacy - or is that the idea... giving him some of his own medicine? Is it retaliatory? I might have tried to introduce myself in newcomers, I'm still getting used to this platform.

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No, it's not obnoxious or retaliatory. It's called being real here. I know a number of people that have them and they love them. Why? Because they can take care of their "itch" whenever they want w/o rubbing up against a door frame or asking someone to help them out. Your h just might be very appreciative that you thought of him.

Even though you crave intimacy, he may not. From what you posted, it sounds like he's looking for ways to break you. Your description of the situation and him sounds very much like a person w/some NP traits, if so, there's no winning/pleasing w/them. The more you try, the more they add to the checklist of our failures and the more they point them out.

Are you in a support group or seeing an IC? You need to have someone you can talk to, especially if he gets angry and destroys things in the home or takes his anger out on you. Please take care of yourself and your children. That is what is important here.

You posted that you thought he was in MLC...what makes you think that? You've also mentioned that you think he might have NPD? Besides the info that you have provided what other clues do you have? Many people who are experiencing a MLC exhibit traits of some sort of personality disorder, but that doesn't mean that they are definitely NPD, borderline, etc. Depression makes they act out in various ways. MLCers feel entitled, they are selfish and self absorbed and are looking for someone to admire them and stroke their ego, i.e., somewhat like a person w/NPD.

I posted a response on your thread in Newcomer's. It would be helpful if you could share more of what his behaviors are, did he exhibit them throughout the marriage or did something transpire in the last 12-24 months that could have triggered a crisis. This info would help us give you the proper support that you require now.

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Thank you for "resurrecting" this thread job, it is really informative!


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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So I read the book this extract is from, and even though it is not entirely MLC focused it can work so well in addition to the Divorce Busting books. I found that have the traits of the "Pursuer" to a stronger extend than H's "Distancer" traits. Maybe that's were his MLC comes into account? I think it is a heard read as it forces you to look at your own faults and is honest in not making promises and explains how painful the process can be.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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I read "The Solo Partner" right after my H left in October. I remember it being an eye opener, but I was so deep in depression and wanting him back at the time, I could not stop my pursuing behavior. I still was fighting (and at times failing) my pursuit even a few weeks ago, although I had convinced myself I was doing well. It took some very recent events for my fog to truly clear and see my H for what he is (at least, who I believe he has become) but also for me to truly see the extent of my own pursuing ways...even when I thought I wasn't. It may be too late for this R, as we have another mediation coming up and I believe that that's it. But I no longer initiate ANY contact. Not even if I have questions. It all will go through my L from now on, as I know I can't trust myself to not fall for his manipulation. It IS a very painful process.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
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I'm about half way thru the book and just jumped ahead to the stop pursuing chapter. I've been trying to practice and observing what happens. He's starting more convo, he takes his time away in the house and then approaches me in a better mood, he will seek me out just to check in, he calls or texts at end of day when working. If I stood morning and wait, he will start talking but it might not be right away. It's always better when he comes to me.
If I have to approach, I keep it short and end contact first where possible. I will have to be more sensitive to him once he starts seeing IC for his incest issues in two weeks time. Not sure when and how it will affect him and what it'll bring out. This info on distance and pursuit is working for me to be calmer and in my own space. I'm liking it lots!! smile


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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I'm so glad it's working for you! I'm reading it for the second time (I skipped a lot the first time) and by being more honest about my own flaws I think my relationship has a better chance. I also believe it works so well alongside Michele's books, the advice complements divorce busting really well.


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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I agree esame! It stuff we need constant reminders about, or at least I do ,to keep from backsliding or settling for less in an unequal relationship.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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Reading this, and reflecting on my M (and 6 years together before then), I think my H and me changed roles...Initially for maybe the first 9 years, I was the Distancer (and the main breadwinner)...we probably met in the middle for about 5 years...then he became the Distancer, and since BD with go faster stripes while my shock and bewilderment ramped up my Pursuer.

Well worth reflecting on for me now in terms of who I want to be after I stagger out into the sunlight after my M to my MLC H ends soon...nothing I can do about him!


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

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This describes my marriage almost entirely. I obviously need to stop pursuing my husband. How do I do that and deal with all of the pain?


H:44 W:46
M: 26 years in Nov
DS: 18
01/2017 ILYBINILWY
still technically together
H: MLC
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