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A Message from Michele
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Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: BrightFuture] #2484572
09/03/14 07:26 AM
09/03/14 07:26 AM
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
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beatrice Offline
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beatrice  Offline
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The dance of pursuit and distance raises the interesting question of the way in which we love. Both parties are needy and feel unloveable.

For either party to break the cycle frees then to love in a more unconditional and less needy way. I have learnt that I can live without my former husband's approval and love. I do not need it to be happy and fulfilled. It is much more important to love than to need to be loved back (that is a nice-to-have but not the driver of loving).

Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: beatrice] #2514405
12/06/14 01:58 AM
12/06/14 01:58 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 977
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mahhhty Offline
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Posts: 977
Thank you all for keeping this information alive. I found the book on Amazon. It'll be here in a week.


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: mahhhty] #2514434
12/06/14 03:44 AM
12/06/14 03:44 AM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 574
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LouR Offline
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Really informative read, thanks for posting it.

It will be really interesting to see what happens with my sitch next. I am about to embark on extreme going dark, I don't think i can remove myself from him further !!

So will the distancer become the pursuer ..... only time will tell .....

Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: BrightFuture] #2519614
12/22/14 04:57 PM
12/22/14 04:57 PM
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 78
CA
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Faith20 Offline
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Faith20  Offline
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I have a question on this topic. I was always the Distancer in the M, especially the end. I would play hard to get and pull away (physically and emotionally) which was one of my H's complaints. Wouldn't it be a 180 to be the pursuer for once? I am afraid that continuing to be the Distancer might just continue to push him away?


Me 26 ; H 26
S 8
Married less than a year
Bomb 9/15/14
H moves out 9/15/14
H Files 11/21/14
Served D papers 12/31/14
Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: Faith20] #2519619
12/22/14 05:02 PM
12/22/14 05:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,555
Southern Maryland
job Offline OP

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Posts: 27,555
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Faith,
The beauty of dbing is trying new things. If something doesn't work, try something else. I would say try it, but do it in a very subtle way. You could be a little bit flirty, start w/a touch on the arm, a smile, a compliment, etc. If he pulls away, then you will know that he's not ready for any of that.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: job] #2519743
12/22/14 09:54 PM
12/22/14 09:54 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
California US
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CaliGuy Offline
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CaliGuy  Offline
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Posts: 2,523
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I need to read this one a few times ... I am so entirely guilty of this dance and its gone on for far to long. Just when I think I have made enough room for myself there is a way she [censored] me in ... something I really need to work on.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: CaliGuy] #2519939
12/23/14 01:52 PM
12/23/14 01:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
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GoatGal Offline
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Hey job,

I have the book, and H is a distancer, emotionally, sexually, and in every other way. I am also not a "pursuer" although I do crave closeness.

My problem is that the more I distance myself from H, the LESS he reaches out to me. He appears to enjoy my little attempts to touch base (no expectations, no strings, easy out for him) but NEVER reciprocates.

If I pull back (still a "friendly neighbor"), it *feels* like his feelings get hurt and he gets sulky and passive-aggressive. He *seems* to take it as rejection.

I've been at this DBing about six months now, and it hasn't changed. I've played around with different levels of darkness (nicely), but he NEVER pursues.
Ever.

He never really pursued me when we first met, and OW threw herself at him---a "sure thing". I am certain it would have never happened otherwise.

Any advice for me? We just are stuck in limbo, the limbo of both of us playing nice but nothing really happening.

Changes have been very, very slow and small. And I'm not sure if in the end, they are meaningful.

Thanks,

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: GoatGal] #2519942
12/23/14 02:00 PM
12/23/14 02:00 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,555
Southern Maryland
job Offline OP

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Southern Maryland
GG,
You and your h play the distance/pursuer dance! For example, he doesn't have to openly pursue you when you distance yourself. Look at what you posted: "If I pull back (still a "friendly neighbor"), it *feels* like his feelings get hurt and he gets sulky and passive-aggressive. He *seems* to take it as rejection." The way to rein you back into the dance is to get sulk and passive-aggressive and then you come back around to being there again for him.

If you want to try something different, try doing a little bit of pursuing and see where it goes. Show him a little bit more attention, like a touch on the arm, a text message here and there, etc. If he reacts in a negative way, then you'll know to stop these actions.

When something isn't working, try something different. MLC is an experiment of sorts and when in the lab, if something doesn't mix up well, then toss it out and try a different mixture, but don't allow the lab to blow up.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: job] #2520032
12/23/14 05:52 PM
12/23/14 05:52 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,200
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Cadet Offline

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GoatGal

I agree with Job but just understand that the whole pursuit and distance thing, and the book Solo Partner was not written for MLC'ers.

Also read the sections that say primarily female, or primarily male.

Remember that anything we DO is not going to shorten or change his MLC.
I am not really sure how productive it is to try to have an interchange with them while in the crisis.
But - I guess if you like experiments. smile smile smile


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: The Dance of Pursuit and Distance (new) [Re: Cadet] #2520038
12/23/14 05:59 PM
12/23/14 05:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,555
Southern Maryland
job Offline OP

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job  Offline OP

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Posts: 27,555
Southern Maryland
GG,
Cadet is right...there is nothing that will change or shorten their course once they've entered into MLC. One thing...I thought about is that if he's sulking and being passive-aggressive when you distance yourself, stay the course. When he sees that you aren't giving in and returning to where he thinks you should be sitting, he may very well begin to pursue you at some point, in some fashion.

You are the one that can break the cycle by not giving in. Again, you can also experiment a bit, but if you don't see a reaction, then I would continue as you have been.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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