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#2467033 07/08/14 09:49 PM
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Nice one Thornton. You've given us all a bit of hope.


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PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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High five right at'cha Thornton!


M:36 W:34
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Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
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THanks guys. Things are moving along slow and steady. More contact and some discussions.

It feels like we just met and are getting to know each other again. I don't think either one of us wants to show all our cards just yet. It will take time to build that trust up. We are discussing our feelings and I'm doing my best to validate and STFU. Practice makes perfect.

Easy does it!

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Well played. Keep up with the details as I know many are following you hoping to learn how to act when they reach your phase.

I am truly happy for you Thorn!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
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Originally Posted By: Thornton
THanks guys. Things are moving along slow and steady. More contact and some discussions.

It feels like we just met and are getting to know each other again. I don't think either one of us wants to show all our cards just yet. It will take time to build that trust up. We are discussing our feelings and I'm doing my best to validate and STFU. Practice makes perfect.

Easy does it!



Wow....its like...you ALMOST read some of that stuff on your threads huh ???

Easy does it killa....

You still have a crapload of work on yourself too...

Don't start sniffing around, and forget that you have to put yourself first through this....

Your healing is STILL....priority number one...

Same as HER healing should be her priority. It's not your job to "fix" her....

The hardest parts are still yet to come...

Using all of those shiny new tools that you have now, and using them to rebuild love, and trust...

It is too dammed easy to start feeling secure, and falling back into old behavior patterns in your relationship.

Right now, words are still just words. Consistent actions over the course of time is what you want to keep your eye on. Hers AND yours...

What do your actions say ?

Do they match your words ???

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Awesome Thornton!!


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
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Mach,

Thanks for all your advice. I still have some of your responses printed out so I can refer to them.

We have agreed to not live together for the time being. We would like to slowly date and see where it leads us. We will be living about 45 minutes apart so that will give us both plenty of breathing room.

I will be continuing my counseling and pursuing GAL. And I will continue to post here.

Thanks for being there during my darkest hour. I really mean that.

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Just so happy for you Thornton! Keep up the good work and take your time. You've got a good handle on this! Rooting for your success!


Me 34
M 2.5 (Both 2nd M)
My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12
BD 2/14
D final 7/2014
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Thornton,

I have been following your situation since you first posted. This is the first time I have posted outside of my own thread. I dont have alot to offer, as I am new to this whole DBing process. I do offer you full support and wish thi gs well with you. The only thing I can think to say that might be helpful is: Remember when you were first dating. It took time for each step of the R to progress. First a conversation, then a touch, next a kiss, then sex/love (this step can get blurry) then the full blown R. Just remember the next step cant happen without the previous steps taking place first. Take your time and put one step in front of the other.

I am rooting for you and look forward to the updates.

Thomas


Me (33), W(30)
3 kids (13S, 8D, 3D)
Together 13years
Married 7 years

Wife said D 6-3-2014
Went on M saving vacation 6-16-2014
Things good 8-2014 to 7-17-2015
I'm DONE. 7-18-2015



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Originally Posted By: Thornton

We have agreed to not live together for the time being. We would like to slowly date and see where it leads us. We will be living about 45 minutes apart so that will give us both plenty of breathing room.


Just be careful to leave your White Horse in the stables when you ride over to see her...

She doesn't need rescued right now...



Originally Posted By: Thor

Thanks for being there during my darkest hour. I really mean that.


You are welcome, although you did the work (albeit against your will)...

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Thorn,

Did you realize the wording you used?

"We have agreed..."
"We would like...."
"We will be living..."

It sounds like you were able to come to these decisions as a unit, working together.

That, in and of itself, it cause for celebration.

Good job!


---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Wow you're my hero! Well done man I can't wait to read more.


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Hi Thornton,

I haven't posted in some time, but I follow a lot of folks here, including you, and I wanted to take a moment to thank you.

My WAH lives in another city now and comes "home" for a week or two every 4 - 6 weeks. The last time he was here, he said some pretty mean stuff and canceled out on a joint trip we were planning to take. I kind of lost it and told him I couldn't take anymore hurt. I read a comment later by Sandi about making them think you have turned the tables and you are dumping them. I realize that is pretty much what I did. A few days after he left, he texted and asked to rejoin the trip because we needed to talk and I agreed.

Up until I unloaded, I had felt like I was on a good path - detaching, GAL, accepting that I would be just fine without him, making plans for a future without him. I had pretty much given up hope and was beginning to accept what I saw as inevitable. Since that episode, I have been so down and couldn't seem to get my mojo back .... until I read your most recent posts.

Your reminder that they really aren't happy with their new lives and have doubts and regrets put so much into perspective for me. I was dreading this upcoming trip because I was just in such a down place and feared I had lost all the ground I've gained over the past few months. But, thanks to your post and your reminders, I know I'll be fine! I just wanted to take a moment to thank you.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything goes well for you. You seem like an awesome guy and you definitely deserve the good things in life.

2T2M

Last edited by 2Times2Many; 07/09/14 10:13 PM.

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Thank you all for the kind words, it's much appreciated.

I will be meeting WAW for the very first time since bomb on Friday for lunch. She asked me out! smile

She asked me to meet her for lunch today but I had meetings at work and politely declined.

We are still taking things really slow. We are flirting with each other like when we first met and I am letting her initiate contact about 75% of the time. I don't want to appear to be too eager. As time passes, I will slowly begin to balance it out.

Please note, I am NOT a veteran and I am FAR from truly piecing but I would like to share some things that seemed to help me. I hope you all can take something from this.

1. I went STRICT NC on the advice of the vets. I listened to everything the vets told me to do. Not once did I deviate. It was incredibly hard for me do. NC for me was exactly 30 days until she texted me about picking up her things from my house. I acted friendly and didn't fight her on it or ask questions. I finally initiated a text with her for the first time in week 7. It was friendly and I teased her.

2. I attended therapy and still am.

3. I prayed every night before I went to bed. First I thanked God for things I DID have (my family, my job, my daughter, my car). I also asked him to give me signs (good or bad) that I was moving in the right direction. Finally I asked him to restore my relationship if it was in HIS will. I continue to pray every night and thank him for the good things happening in my life.

4. I tried to help others on this board as opposed to only posting about my sitch all the time. It was cathartic for me and still is, hence this post.

5. When I did have contact with WAW, I always made sure to end the convo first. This was hard because I could text/talk to her for hours. I missed her so incredibly much.

6. I read Divorce Remedy about 30 times, lol.

7. Anytime I felt down, I would post here to vent. Anytime I felt like doing something crazy (pursuit), I would post here first and let people talk me off the ledge.

8. When the timing was right for me, I took a risk and contacted her. This was really scary for me as I was worried about backsliding and ruining things.

9. I listened to my mom when she told me "Let your faith be bigger than your fear". That was my mantra and I had to repeat it to myself 500x a day.

Thank you all for your support.

Thornton

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I am so happy for you! In the short time you have been here you have offered great advice! We are all lucky to have you as a part of this board.

Fingers crossed for Friday. Remember everything you have learned smile


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Thank you, TO!

We are all in this together!

All for one, one for all!

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Hi Thornton

I really admire your ability to go NC. My wife and I have no kids, as for yourself, but for some reason have been in contact about practical things (she rented a new place, so needed to agree some logistics). Yesterday for instance I texted her to get her address so I can tell my car insurance (she's keeping the car for now). She hasn't even responded. I am not sure whether I even should have done that. What if something happens and she totals it? Am I making excuses?

Were there any practical matters that you just let slide for the sake of NC?

Thanks


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Hi Mat,

I think if WAW reaches out to you, that's ok. Be friendly but don't try to keep the conversation going.

I didn't worry about the practical things (mail, her belongings etc.) If she wanted that stuff, she could come get them.

You probably are making excuses to contact her but justify them as practical reasons.

There's no point in texting her, especially if she isn't responding, right?

Go dark.

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Thanks for this update - it's always heartening to read stories where things have improved!


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Thanks I'll do that (and won't be squatting your thread for advice either!). Now the matter of her new address is closed (I genuinely didn't want the insurance to lapse as we share that car; she's not the best driver), dark it is.

Thanks so much, and again like many people here I am so glad for your progress.


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Stop by anytime! I'll try and stay on top of your sitch as well!

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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Thank you all for the kind words, it's much appreciated.

I will be meeting WAW for the very first time since bomb on Friday for lunch. She asked me out! smile

She asked me to meet her for lunch today but I had meetings at work and politely declined.

We are still taking things really slow. We are flirting with each other like when we first met and I am letting her initiate contact about 75% of the time. I don't want to appear to be too eager. As time passes, I will slowly begin to balance it out.

Please note, I am NOT a veteran and I am FAR from truly piecing but I would like to share some things that seemed to help me. I hope you all can take something from this.

1. I went STRICT NC on the advice of the vets. I listened to everything the vets told me to do. Not once did I deviate. It was incredibly hard for me do. NC for me was exactly 30 days until she texted me about picking up her things from my house. I acted friendly and didn't fight her on it or ask questions. I finally initiated a text with her for the first time in week 7. It was friendly and I teased her.

2. I attended therapy and still am.

3. I prayed every night before I went to bed. First I thanked God for things I DID have (my family, my job, my daughter, my car). I also asked him to give me signs (good or bad) that I was moving in the right direction. Finally I asked him to restore my relationship if it was in HIS will. I continue to pray every night and thank him for the good things happening in my life.

4. I tried to help others on this board as opposed to only posting about my sitch all the time. It was cathartic for me and still is, hence this post.

5. When I did have contact with WAW, I always made sure to end the convo first. This was hard because I could text/talk to her for hours. I missed her so incredibly much.

6. I read Divorce Remedy about 30 times, lol.

7. Anytime I felt down, I would post here to vent. Anytime I felt like doing something crazy (pursuit), I would post here first and let people talk me off the ledge.

8. When the timing was right for me, I took a risk and contacted her. This was really scary for me as I was worried about backsliding and ruining things.

9. I listened to my mom when she told me "Let your faith be bigger than your fear". That was my mantra and I had to repeat it to myself 500x a day.

Thank you all for your support.

Thornton


Now we can have Thorn's 9 Rules.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Hey Thornton,

Great advice a couple posts back I actually have done most of what you outlined except going dark.

My W still lives in the Marital home with me but says she is moving then doesn't and the cycle repeats. I Have been able to handle this arrangement for the most part by GAL and 180's. She is doing the same thing I suppose but with an A I believe. She knows I suspect something but I do not bring it up she does. I try to validate but seem to backslide at the same time.

My question is we are sorta at no contact even though our rooms are 2 ft apart. She brings up things when she needs to. I try really hard not to do the same.

Should I continue like this or would it be alright to ask her in a calm manner what her feelings really are and validate and empathize like crazy if she start to respond? I know this is breaking one of Sandi's rules but I don't want to talk about R as much as I just want to know her feelings whether or not it helps our M.

I know what things that I have done that have made her upset and got us to this point of being "done" and made her fall out of love with me. I have owned up to these.

My wife Has started to tell me she sees changes and is glad I am getting things right with myself. But W is upset because she says I wouldn't do it her. I validate this but she is still angry.

W definitely has her own view on things that have been said and done, which is her choice and right.

I just can't help but think if I knew her feelings from her personally and not what I think they are,

It may help in two ways 1st it would give real insight into why she is "done" and 2nd with this knowledge I may then be able to completely accept her decision to D and completely let go instead of just doing my own thing and detaching so what she does will not affect anymore.

Your story is an inspiration to me, Thanks


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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Hi Nit,

Again, I'm not a vet so take what I say with a grain of salt.

If I were in your shoes, I would keep experimenting and monitoring my results. I think I would actually keep a log of things and jot down how WAW reacted in each situation. Then you might be able to see some patterns and act accordingly.

Let me ask, when you first met WAH and you were both in the honeymoon stage, how were you then? How are you now? Can you see any differences in how you were then and how you are now?

Try to be the guy back then. I'm sure you were confident, flirty, devilish grin, funny, and active right?

For me, I try to remember how I was when I first met WAW. I remember I was confident (almost cocky), funny, free spirited, I was out doing things. Slowly that changed and I became one dimensional, grumpy at times, far from flirty, and pretty boring to be honest.

Also, what can you do to GAL that would blow your WAW's mind? Think of something that would make her really think. Salsa dancing? Sky diving? Scuba lessons?

We need to get our mojo back!

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Thor,

You're learning fast! And applying what you've learned here...that's big since there's real growth right there. GALing is sooo sooo important.

Keep it up.

For others....read on and learn.

I sent a text to Ms. Wonka prior to July 4th festivities wishing her a happy holiday, bring on the sparklers, and enjoy some grilled food. I didn't hear back from her at all until this morning which is now over a week.

She left a quite cryptic message:

Thanks, it was. I will be in touch later.


I thought to myself, "Hmmm...she sent the text at 5:30 am. Interesting. You want to talk later? Alrighty...whenever you're ready."

I sent back a response saying:

Okay. Thanks.

Just letting Ms. Wonka set the pace here.

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That is pretty cryptic, Wonka!

You haven't spoken to her in 4 months right? Now she's going to be in touch later?

That one has me scratching my head...

She waited a week to respond and then finally responds at 5:30am this morning. Welcome to the Twilight Zone!

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Keep it up guys, it really does provide inspiration to us noobs to see the DB method getting positive results.
Hopefully receive my copy soon so I can jump right in.


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WAW 3/11
ILYBINILWY 3/14
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Thornton,

Thanks for responding!! TBH I am getting back to that guy I was way back. At least my friends and family think so, W not so much.

Maybe she does see it but blows it off and says things like "I am so glad you are getting yourself right. I wish you no ill will."

She knows I love her because I told her last week after our support hearing that If she was in an A(she doesn't admit)if she quit it and went NC with OM then and it was her desire we could work on things because I still love you. (huge backslide on my part I know).

Confusing thing is this past Sunday after not talking to me for a week because she said I am "dead to her". She asked about bill statements because she wanted to pay her back payments.

The conversation went on from there and while it was taking place. W mentions some stuff out of the blue that caught me off guard and confused me.

First of all, I thought she was moving out after the hearing, she now has hinted that she might be staying but says I will live my existence in this room while she lives hers in that room. It doesn't matter either way to me if she goes or stays.

Then she brings up the baby issue again, but the one comment that most confused me the most was her saying that people have asked her a couple times if I ever said I love you, please lets work on this,lets go to counseling anything but D.

W says " you did none of that, you just said this will financially ruin you."

I responded with "for 2 months before S I asked for counseling and you said no. Specifically, the day you are recalling I said this will be emotional devastating and it very hard financially for both of us. I don't want a D."

W said Monday after the hearing was the first time in 1 year you said I love you to me.

I told her "because you already knew I loved you there is no reason to tell you over and over again because that would be smothering and that is something you complained about."

I have a fear of flying but was always going up with my Dad when he was a flight instructor when I was young.

I was thinking of taking flying lessons but it might not be in the budget at the moment.

If I could afford a short vacation I could take a flight somewhere. This is something I wanted to do with W last year before BD but she was already done I guess and put up some resistance.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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No worries!

I think you need to reel it in a little bit. You've backslid and seen what it does, right?

So... don't backslide anymore. You seem to have a lot of relationship talks. I don't think you should do that anymore. I think you should focus on having positive interaction with WAW and keep having positive interactions with her.

When my WAW started texting me again, I always kept it light and friendly. I desperately wanted reassurance from her but I knew I couldn't do that. I just kept it fun and friendly and I even teased her a little bit (that was the old me, the guy she fell in love with). I also made sure I ended the convo first, that was hard because I missed her so much.

She needs to view you differently and that will take consistency on your part, with no backsliding.

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Thanks, Thornton!!


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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Goog job Thorn! Have fun on your date!!;-)


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M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
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Hey, Thornton,

Just a word to say how much I've been enjoying your story.

You were even in my dream last night!
(And Cadet, and Wonka were there, and Maybell, Ssarah, and even rayzzz, many more, and Pilot. And Toto too!)

I was dreaming I was posting on this board.

And to you, Thornton, I said how I like a post ^^^ way above now, where you spoke about you followed DBIng, took advice---essentially humbled yourself and you can see it paying off. That's fantastic.
I think it was someone else's thread where you talked (very eloquently, I thought) about how when you really changed your feelings, your perceptions, that even though she wasn't right there, your W picked up on this.

I've been experiencing a similar effect, not just with my H, but it's extending to the greater community.

It's like letting go and choosing to be happy gives off a better vibe---and like butterfly wings, it sends ripples out into the world and PEOPLE NOTICE.

It's so '60's man--- better vibes. But it's true.

Someone else said, one of my lady friends on here, that it's as if we're "glowing" with all this PMA and GALing stuff.

And if we can "glow" in our situations, well, that's really something to think about.

Anyhow.

Just to let you know.

I'm so proud of your progress!

---GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Thanks so much for the kind words, GG!

Tomorrow is the big day! It will be the first time I've seen WAW face to face in 9 weeks. I don't feel nervous, surprisingly.

I plan on just having a nice time with her, we only have an hour as she will be on her lunch break. I'll keep it light and fluffy and make sure I smile lots smile

We are still texting each other back and forth and having conversations throughout the day. It's been nice.

WAW is planning on getting her own apartment soon, she is currently at her mom's house. This makes me a little nervous because if we turn things around, it will be at least a year before we co-habitate again. I am letting her do her thing, no pressure or whining.

Another concern I have is the amount of time we will be able to spend together. The apartment she is looking at is about 40 minutes away from where I live. I'm concerned this will start to feel like a long distance relationship because we won't see each other as often as we are used to.

On the other hand, it will give us plenty of space from each other. She did mention that she likes the "longing" feeling she has for me because it builds excitement for her when we do see each other. I don't get that, but it is what it is and I need to let her be her.

One foot in front of the other!

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WAW is planning on getting her own apartment soon, she is currently at her mom's house. This makes me a little nervous because if we turn things around, it will be at least a year before we co-habitate again.

You know that doesnt mean anything. She could just as easily decide to move back in or get a closer apartment.

Another concern I have is the amount of time we will be able to spend together. The apartment she is looking at is about 40 minutes away from where I live. I'm concerned this will start to feel like a long distance relationship because we won't see each other as often as we are used to.

A bit of mindreading, but I would think she would end up feeling the same way about this as you do. You just have to be patient and see how it plays out. You already know that though.

On the other hand, it will give us plenty of space from each other. She did mention that she likes the "longing" feeling she has for me because it builds excitement for her when we do see each other. I don't get that, but it is what it is and I need to let her be her.

Sounds like she is excited because it feels new again. At least that would be a sign that you all are building a new relationship instead of rehashing the old crappy one.


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All good points, Ben!

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Originally Posted By: Thornton


Another concern I have is the amount of time we will be able to spend together. The apartment she is looking at is about 40 minutes away from where I live. I'm concerned this will start to feel like a long distance relationship because we won't see each other as often as we are used to.

On the other hand, it will give us plenty of space from each other. She did mention that she likes the "longing" feeling she has for me because it builds excitement for her when we do see each other. I don't get that, but it is what it is and I need to let her be her.


I can see how this would be a concern, but I'd take her sense of "longing" as encouragement. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and this could be a great way to fan some of those flames and to keep things exciting and intriguing at the start as you figure things out. It could also be a good way to ensure that you both don't rush in too quickly again.


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Originally Posted By: Thornton


WAW is planning on getting her own apartment soon, she is currently at her mom's house. This makes me a little nervous because if we turn things around, it will be at least a year before we co-habitate again.


Means nothing Thorn other than she will be living in her own place for a while. Getting out of a lease is always possible. So do think of it as a year. Heck, it could be just a month or two. Use the time in the best way possible

Quote:
Another concern I have is the amount of time we will be able to spend together. The apartment she is looking at is about 40 minutes away from where I live. I'm concerned this will start to feel like a long distance relationship because we won't see each other as often as we are used to.


Again not important. 40 minutes is nothing. Especially because I suspect you will probably end up spending the night at each others places often.


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Another concern I have is the amount of time we will be able to spend together. The apartment she is looking at is about 40 minutes away from where I live. I'm concerned this will start to feel like a long distance relationship because we won't see each other as often as we are used to.

Look: this has been covered elsewhere, but perhaps it'll help to step out of your perspective; within London, where I live, this is the average journey length between any point A and point B!! It's a bit of a pain, but for many people it wouldn't remotely qualify as "long-distance". You'd say you have a local girlfriend, just in a different neighbourhood!

Forget that concern!


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Very true Mat. My WAW wife is an hour drive away but really not that far away. Keep positive thoughts Thorn. You're doing great!!


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Hi Thorn! Just getting caught up on things with you and all I can say is WOW! I am SO HAPPY for you my friend! This is really great news to read! I pray everything goes nice and slow and smoothly for you my friend! So nice to read this! Bravo!


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Thorn, I have really been reading your thread. Lots of good moments and openness. I hope to learn some to put toward my stitch good luck in the date, and keep it up. No matter what you seem to be a better person than when this all started and gives us all hope we can be better too!!!


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Originally Posted By: labug
Originally Posted By: Thornton
Thank you all for the kind words, it's much appreciated.

I will be meeting WAW for the very first time since bomb on Friday for lunch. She asked me out! smile

She asked me to meet her for lunch today but I had meetings at work and politely declined.

We are still taking things really slow. We are flirting with each other like when we first met and I am letting her initiate contact about 75% of the time. I don't want to appear to be too eager. As time passes, I will slowly begin to balance it out.

Please note, I am NOT a veteran and I am FAR from truly piecing but I would like to share some things that seemed to help me. I hope you all can take something from this.

1. I went STRICT NC on the advice of the vets. I listened to everything the vets told me to do. Not once did I deviate. It was incredibly hard for me do. NC for me was exactly 30 days until she texted me about picking up her things from my house. I acted friendly and didn't fight her on it or ask questions. I finally initiated a text with her for the first time in week 7. It was friendly and I teased her.

2. I attended therapy and still am.

3. I prayed every night before I went to bed. First I thanked God for things I DID have (my family, my job, my daughter, my car). I also asked him to give me signs (good or bad) that I was moving in the right direction. Finally I asked him to restore my relationship if it was in HIS will. I continue to pray every night and thank him for the good things happening in my life.

4. I tried to help others on this board as opposed to only posting about my sitch all the time. It was cathartic for me and still is, hence this post.

5. When I did have contact with WAW, I always made sure to end the convo first. This was hard because I could text/talk to her for hours. I missed her so incredibly much.

6. I read Divorce Remedy about 30 times, lol.

7. Anytime I felt down, I would post here to vent. Anytime I felt like doing something crazy (pursuit), I would post here first and let people talk me off the ledge.

8. When the timing was right for me, I took a risk and contacted her. This was really scary for me as I was worried about backsliding and ruining things.

9. I listened to my mom when she told me "Let your faith be bigger than your fear". That was my mantra and I had to repeat it to myself 500x a day.

Thank you all for your support.

Thornton


Now we can have Thorn's 9 Rules.


Hey Thorn I am new to your thread. I was kind of to wrapped up in my stitch and was not paying attention to others. But decided I really needed to look and see what other folks are doing.

I especially like your moms quote:
"9. I listened to my mom when she told me "Let your faith be bigger than your fear". "

Anyhow unlike you my wife moved back on her own and sleeps in my bed. She just had run off to the OM country once before she came home and then once after.
Now he's coming to the USA and she plans on seeing him during daylight only in public as a friend!

I think that I am going to read your 9 rules above and your mothers quote over and over again on the days she is seeing him.

Glad I found your thread and glad things are going in the right direction!

Last edited by Oxford1; 07/11/14 06:17 PM.

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Thorn,

Waiting with bated breath for the debrief!! wink

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Thank you all for your support!

Just got back from lunch with WAW!

I was a little nervous seeing her but that quickly went away when she walked out of the door from her work place.

She's BEAUTIFUL! She walked up and hugged me and kept hugging me. In fact, she didn't want to let go and she was hugging me so tightly. She looked like she was going to cry from the emotion.

I told her how good it was to see her again (its been 9 weeks). She mirrored that and said how happy she was to see me as well.

We walked over to a restaurant for lunch and made small talk. She kept staring at me and blushing, it was obvious she was nervous. It felt very similar to being on a blind date.

I kept it light and fluffy and made sure when she spoke, I looked her in the eyes and STFU and really listened. We were flirty and started joking around. She kept telling me that her new apartment was right off the freeway and that it would be easy for us to see each other while we dated. She also dropped lots of hints about us in the future.

After lunch, I walked her back to her work. She pulled me in for another long hug and wouldn't let go. It came time to say goodbye and I could tell she wanted to kiss me but was hesitant. I went for it. Gave her little kiss on the lips. As soon as I did that, she grabbed me and pulled me in, wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly and kept kissing me. ELECTRIC is the only way to describe it. It was exactly like our very first kiss!

We said our goodbyes and I drove off. 5 minutes later I get a text from her "my cheeks are warm :)" I responded I felt the same way.

She appears to be the pursuer at this point! Amazing!

Fellow DBer's, thank you!

I will continue to take things slow and to remember the agony and torture I suffered as a result of all of this. I will not take this woman for granted ever again!

Keep the faith, if you listen to the vets here, you have a good shot at turning things around as well!

Make your faith bigger than your fear!

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Thor,

Doing my happy dance in my office right now!!!!!!!

Way to go, buddy!!! laugh laugh

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Wonka - you are a doll! Thank you for being such a good friend.

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thorton, I have been lurking for sometime and have followed your thread, is is awesome, take it slow!!

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My god THOR...im sooo happy for you buddy!!!! wow you really did it right my friend, you started from the get go...congrats, but remember keep up the good work but be cautious!!!!


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WTG Thorn,

Happy that it went well for you today. Im sure your emotions are beyond words right now. Keep up what youre doing. Youre an inspiration for everyone on here.


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Fantastic Thornton!


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WOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


smile smile smile


---GGG


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9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Wow, this truly is an example to all of us who find ourselves in the same boat


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Brilliant news Thornton. I'm so pleased for you: it can be done. :-)


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It can be done!

Now I'm getting texts from her at work. SHe says she still smells like my cologne. I told her I had another new really nice cologne and she responded "Im going to have to smell like that one too!!!"

Wow, just wow.

I'm going to continue to play it cool and let her come to me (not too much). I'm still experimenting and monitoring results.

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Awesome Thor, keep it up bud!!


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I'm so happy for you! It's really nice to read a happy start to a happy ending


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This is just AMAZING! I can't tell you how happy I am to hear all of this. So happy I feel more happiness for you than sadness for my own WAW! So awesome Thorn I am so, so happy for you my friend!


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I hope things keep getting better!


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Thanks guys and gals!

As I think back on my situation, I really, really think going dark was the ticket for me. I really had a hell of a time with it but I listened to the vets. I can't stress that enough.

The vets know what they're talking about. This is such an emotional time, it's like temporary insanity. The vets are removed from our situations and can see things more clearly, trust them!

All the advice I received was the hardest and most painful thing for me. But it was counter-intuitive. Everything I thought would help, was the opposite of what worked!

My best advice, is to take a step back. Listen to these fine folks that have walked in our shoes and trust them. They really do know what they are talking about.

And when you feel weak, read the success stories and "Advice from Wise DBer's" forums. I did this all the time. Hell, I've memorized have of those stories.

You all CAN do this. And even if your relationship doesn't work out, I know you will all make someone else very lucky to have such a dedicated and loyal, loving partner.

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Brought a tear to my eye for you Thorn! Keep up the good fight!!


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Wow ! Great news Thorn!

Keep it up!

I would not push her to fast. When my WAW came home I found that she would give an inch and I would ask for two. If she felt I was taking things to fast she would freak and withdraw.

Even one time accused me of being shallow and only interested in her for her looks and body. This was because she accidentally walked out of the bathroom in her thong and bra and like an idiot I said " you don't have to be afraid to let me see you like that"


Last edited by Oxford1; 07/12/14 02:39 PM.

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Things are moving along great!

Last night W asked me out to a late movie and even drove 40 minutes to see it my town.

We had a great time laughing, joking, and hugging. The hard part is kissing her goodnight and watching her drive off into the night.

Today she came back over. We watched the World Cup and ended up making out on the couch like teenagers for an hour. This let into the bedroom and we ML. Wow! Afterwards we laid there and held each other and I stroked her hair.

We are definitely in the honeymoon stage, I don't want it to end! I'm riding high on endorphins!

I helped her pack some things for her new apartment to take with her. That was really hard for me but I maintained a good demeanor. She keeps talking about how hopeful she is for us. As long as we take it slow and keep working on ourselves, I am hopeful as well.

The only hard part is watching her drive off. I get this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could just hold her in my arms forever!

She texted me when she got home and said she couldn't stop smiling. I miss her already but realize the space is good for us. It gives us the chance to miss each other and realize the importance of each other in our lives.

I've also really practiced validation with her. No longer am I offering advice or my opinion unless she asks. I really think she is noticing because she had made comments about how different I am. I simply mirror back what she tells me and if she's struggling with something, I say "wow, that sounds really hard to deal with". She's even brought up things that I did that bothered her before the bomb and DONT defend myself like I used to. I say "that must have been so hard for you". I see the relief in her face when I acknowledge her feelings without trying to talk her out of them.

Baby steps!

Thorn

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Wow! This is wonderful news! I hope things continue to go well!


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Fantastic!! I hope it keeps getting better and better grin


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Way to go Thor!


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Thornton! So happy bro! Righht on man, you are driving on that smooth paved road with a porche!


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Now dump her! Hahah, just kidding. Great job Thorn!


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Thanks everyone!

Dump her huh?? Is that the after the after after last resort technique??? Haha!

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Sounds like you had a good weekend Thor...

And yea, watching her drive away from the evening is hard to do, yet it isn't as hard as watching her drive off without plans of coming back now is it ???

Focus on what is good, rather than what is hard.

And while your past does not define your future, you cannot forget the road that you have taken to get to this point...

Live your changes, and strive EVERY DAY to be the person that attracted her once again...

Keep working on yourself, every day....

Your future is as bright, or as dim, as your actions dictate...

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Mach - thank you for all your sound advice. It's proven to be priceless.

I still re-read your old posts to me. It serves as a reminder to not take things for granted and get lazy with my DB'ing.

Thanks again for stopping by.

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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Mach - thank you for all your sound advice. It's proven to be priceless.

I still re-read your old posts to me. It serves as a reminder to not take things for granted and get lazy with my DB'ing.

Thanks again for stopping by.


You asked....right ???

As I was reading your post about the weekend, I couldn't help but notice that you found something negative to say about it (her leaving). And how that plays into your initial reaction to dive back into co-dependent behaviors....

Keep your eyes open for that down the road....K ?

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Thorn,

A change of perspective. Look at W as a new girlfriend and that you're in the "getting to know each other" phase. With that mindset, your stomach won't drop any more when she drives off.

You're doing really well. Remember my previous comment about context and timing when interacting with W. If you do, then you'll just be fine! smile

BTW, I am still waiting for Ms. Wonka to initiate contact with me for that "talk." grin It is like a small broken wooden toothpick left inside my slimey brain that needs to be picked out! Ah well. Bopping along just fine here.

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Mach/Wonka,

I have noted both of your suggestions. Thank you both.

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Thornton,
I picked up the DR book Monday and read most of it. Got on the DB community and started reading. Found your situation (started the day after mine did). I've read all of your posts and I wish I gotten on here when you did. Maybe I'd be closer to where you are now. I'll be starting a thread of my own very soon and I hope I can get the advice of some of the same that have been helping you. I'm sure I could use some of the 2x4s that Mach1 delivers.

You've inspired me!
Joe


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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So things are still progressing nicely. We are texting/calling each other frequently and having fun like when we first started dating.

We plan on having a date night this Friday. I want to think of something different for us to do, still researching on that.

We are experiencing a little bit of a push/pull dynamic. I think we are both still cautious and don't want to spook the other one off. She called me today and told me she was feeling the dynamic. I told her I could too and I thanked her for bringing it up.

I shared with her my IC suggestion that we plan things in advance to avoid any resentment about who should be asking, inititating, planning etc. She agreed and was excited about that suggestion.

It feels good to communicate with her. In the past we would have swept it under the rug and become resentful with each other.

She has been initiating most of the contact since we started dating again. I didn't want to spook her off. She said she wants to know that I think of her too and that she likes when I reach out as well. I thanked her for sharing her feelings and that I was happy she was able to communicate them to me. I also told her I didn't want her to feel like I wasn't thinking of her and would make more of an effort to initiate as well.

Baby steps!

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Where you are sounds really fun in some ways, like the anticipation is back, the thrill of uncertainty... with the added bonus of intentionality in creating a healthy relationship. I hope you're enjoying it!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Heh Thornton. Sorry to hijack your page. You couldn't look at my sitch? I royally messed up today....


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
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Thor,

Willya share some of your secret potion with me??!! grin

It looks like you've learned to take things slowly and working on yourself. Things are on the up and up for you two!

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I would if I could, Wonka!

Any word from Ms. Wonka???

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Thor,

Nope. Nada. Neyt.

shrugging shoulders

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Checking in.

Things are still going well! We are still taking things slow. Hanging out on the weekend, and communicating every day. She tells me she loves me all the time and that she misses me when we don't see each other during the week. So far, so good!

I have gained a little more insight into the mind of a WAS through our conversations. I'm hoping some of you can take something positive from what I've found.

Again, the WAS IS thinking about you. There were periods of time during NC that I was convinced WAS didn't give a damn about me. She was posting pics on FB, smiling, going places etc. Turns out she was miserable. In fact, one photo she took of herself stood out. She was at her nieces dance recital. She posted a selfie looking so happy, carefree, and excited about life without me. She told me on Saturday night during our date, that she actually "lost it" during the recital, started crying so hard she had to excuse herself to the bathroom.

She also shared other instances where she really struggled. During my period of NC, as many of you remember, I thought she had completely forgotten about me. Not the case.

Something else I've learned is that sitches can turn around so very quickly! I'm amazed at how we went from NC, to contact every other week, to dating, to her telling me she loves me all the time.

To my fellow LBS's... don't give up. There is hope. There aren't guarantees. But until you reach the point where you no longer care, keep fighting the good fight! Things can and do change.

Thorn

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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Checking in.

I have gained a little more insight into the mind of a WAS through our conversations. I'm hoping some of you can take something positive from what I've found.

Again, the WAS IS thinking about you. There were periods of time during NC that I was convinced WAS didn't give a damn about me. She was posting pics on FB, smiling, going places etc. Turns out she was miserable. In fact, one photo she took of herself stood out. She was at her nieces dance recital. She posted a selfie looking so happy, carefree, and excited about life without me. She told me on Saturday night during our date, that she actually "lost it" during the recital, started crying so hard she had to excuse herself to the bathroom.
Thank you Thorn for sharing this and really happy with how things are progressing for you. Stories like this really do give the rest of us hope.


M:36 W:34
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Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
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Thank you! Sometimes it's a struggle to see others' successes and wonder what my own future holds. Thanks for taking the time to share. And I am really happy you are seeing such great progress!!


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Thank you so much for sharing this! Having only seen W for an hour in the last 3 weeks and basically going NC unless it regards the kids, it has been very emotionally hard. Reading this has been a bright ray of hope!


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Wow that is great to hear! Good luck!!


Me 38 H 40
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T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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I'm so glad to hear about things going well for you and your W and also how much you have come together!
I feel a bit a drift since receiving the Divorce decree. But perhaps I need to muddle through this. I told my IC about DBing and she sounded very weary of it. Sorry to thread jack but I'm so happy for you.

Last edited by CSan00; 07/21/14 09:11 PM.

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My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12
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D final 7/2014
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So can I give you my number so your WAW can phone and talk to my WAW? I will happily pay long distance Thornton! Lol

SO happy and proud of you man. You are a DB warrior helping us use the right "weapons" to rescue our beauty (from a life without us!)


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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Haha! Sounds like a plan, Rayzzz! I wish it was that easy!

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Thor I need some of your momo...tell us what worked best for you?


Me: 42
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D: 2 age 6 and 9
D-Day: Dec 29 13
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Hi Oad,

For me it was going dark. I went pitch dark for exactly 30 days before I heard a peep from WAW. I didnt call, email, Facebook, text her...nothing.

She started sending me little texts at around the 30 day mark, 45 day mark, and then the 2 month mark. I never initiated contact until around day 50 where I sent her a joke and teased her.

When she did text me, I acted happy and I NEVER brought up the relationship or issues we had. I simply just wanted her to start to think of me as a happy, fun person. Nothing more, nothing less.

I knew the more times I could have a positive interaction with her, that it would increase the chance of her wanting more interaction with me.

Going dark was VERY hard for me. I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep, it was brutal. There were times that I didnt know if I could hang in there anymore, I hurt that bad.

I totally understand the pain you are all in. I had to go to a therapist (still am) and started taking anti-depressants.

Hang in there, give them their space. Dont pester them about how they feel or the relationship. Just act happy. Like you are a fun person. Fake it if you have to.

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So hard going dark for me Thorn. I have D. WAW knows when I don't answer or text she asks about my sick dad or our D knowing I have to respond to that.

Thoughts?


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
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Why do you have to respond to that?

Your sick dad, while nice of her to ask, is your business. Texts generally asking about your D don't need responses unless you need W to meet you at the hospital.

One or two word answers suffice, too. "How's your dad today?" you can respond, "still sick" or "better". Things about your daughter, "did D leave her red top at your house?" you can say, "I'll look". Done.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Cheers ss. WAW just text asking those things. Won't respond till the morning and will keep it short.


M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
Single since Nov 13
Moved out Dec 13
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The dark thing can't work for me unless I move out. Now that my S21 and his fiancée are moving home I I move out it will be WW and the boys.

I know they will resent her for me leaving but I will be the one in the worse possible scenario.

I am so so so jealous of you Thorn, but of course in a glad and happy way'

Cheers
Ox

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Hi Ox,

IMO, you can still be mysterious while living with WAW. What kinds of things can you do away from home that would surprise your WAW? Salsa dancing lessons, scuba diving, skydiving?

What can you do to make your W think of you as confident and adventurous? What would it take for her to think you were sexy again?

How was your personality, character, and mannerisms when WAW first fell in love with you?

Start thinking about those things. Once you start to identify how you were, start working on changing.

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Good story. It's tough with young kids going dark. With me detaching recently, it feels as though my WAW looks for more opportunities to talk about kids. When I don't answer her calls she immediately sends a text telling me "I need to call her". Kids going though a lot emotionally, and when I share it with her it overwhelms her. Not sure if it is guilt driven or what, but it is so hard to stay neutral at times when kids blame me. Frustrating to say the least. Glad to see progress for you though. Gives hope, but at the same time, makes me wonder if I will ever see that path. My WAW is stubborn and can't see her eating crow.


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Hey Thor just checking in to see how things are going...


Me: 42
W: 39
D: 2 age 6 and 9
D-Day: Dec 29 13
Seperated: 3/20/14
Mediation retainer : 5/20/14
She filed: 06/25/14
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Hi Thornton,

Just wanted to chime in again and tell you how glad I am that positive things are happening for you.

Please keep us posted. Your story is an inspiration.

2T2M


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Oad,

Things are going well! Still taking things slow, seeing each other for occasional lunches during the week and spending time together on the weekends.

We are very affectionate with other and spend a lot of time talking not taking each other for granted. I'm really happy with the way things are progressing.

Slow and steady.

I'm also continuing with my IC. It's been really good for me as I work through my codependant issues. I can tell that W sees a difference in me, in fact, she's commented on my changes several times.

I just want to make sure I don't lose sight of the cheese. It's easy to fall back into old patterns. Being aware of the issues is half the battle. I make a conscious decision each day to not be the old Thornton. I keep striving for change and that's been very helpful.

Keep Db'ing and being patient, I know how hard it is!

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Thor,

What a wonderful update! Things seem to be on the up and up for you and W. Be sure not to backslide on those changes for you're gonna have to live with them ...be comfortable in your own skin.

I also think that creating new memories by experiencing different sights and trying different things together actually bonds a couple.

Do you know for sure what your W's LL is?

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I am so happy to hear all this Thorn! So awesome for you!!! It seems like you both are on the right track and that is just so awesome to hear!


ME: 43 W:44
M 13 years on 5-5-01
T 18 years
BD 4/27/14
D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date)
WAW moved out 5/12/14
Papers filed 6/27/14
Divorce granted 07/17/14
Our marriage ends 11/17/14
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Very much appreciated IH!

It's definately a learning process for me. I have to constantly remind myself not to fall into the old Thornton behaviours.

Baby steps.

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