Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
Baby steps....It didn't take a day to get here, nor will it take a day to make things better.

The key is your are realizing you emotions before the become an issue....Old B definitely did not do that.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Yeah. It's definitely an eye opener when I think back to how things were. Still a long way to go but it's amazing how much clarity can be gained through this process.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
A better you is quite the thing to gain....Just saying.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Journaling:

As good as things have been recently, I've felt negative feelings coming back such as expectation, jealousy and overattachment. I've gone with the flow, done my own thing and left my wife to her devices and supported her when she's needed it and so far things have improved. Since the night she invited me to her bed though, I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally.

The positives are still there: a sense of togetherness (without the actual relationship), constant communication about everything other than relationship/feelings, she hasn't shied away when I've touched her, lots of smiling and some laughs. She still talks about babies and houses and even mentioned yesterday about using money she's expecting to come in to pay off "our" credits cards, as opposed to paying only hers off and letting me sort mine out.

I felt the night she invited me to her bed was a turning point and I've fought with negative feelings ever since. That was the day she was told her store was closing and she'd be out of a job. Having been out of town that day to visit our solicitor, we also had the stress of that situation and the financial hit legal fees were taking on us. She felt vulnerable, reached out to me and I supported her by just being there. We ML the following morning for the first time in months and as natural as it felt, it was the physical closeness of waking up with her and hugging her that I felt was the turning point. I felt as if she was starting to commit physically what she had been starting to commit to verbally, even though relationship stuff would have to take a back seat to finding work and closing her current store.

Since then, I've found myself analysing things more, something I know I shouldn't be doing and have reasonably successfully fought off only for the thoughts to come back later. A couple of night later, she invited me to her bed again however I was asleep and didn't join her. I haven't received an invite since. I started pursuing again and I felt her pull away slightly though the communication and future plans talk was still present. I managed to back off and I've been trying to find that fine line between support and pursuit since. Just a couple of nights ago, I gave her a back rub and she enjoyed it so much she invited me to keep doing it until I started putting her to sleep.

The expectation and jealousy parts are the worst though. Since everything has gone down, one of the things I realised was that we never did anything socially together. I said a long time ago I didn't want to go out with her and her friends and she's not invited me out since our early days of dating. I understand now that a healthy relationship will involve her having her own friends and activities and me joining in on some. The most obvious one from a social standpoint is joining her and her friends at the pub/bar if the opportunity presents itself, which it hadn't until last night.

My wife has made plans with friends and I've longed for an invite. It's silly thinking about it but that's how I've felt. The thought has made me feel better about joining the local soccer team as I'll have my own social outlet. I feel that much of my jealousy and expectation isn't so much about wanting to have her do things with me instead of other people but more about her doing things with her friends and me not having friends to do things with, something that I hope to rectify starting with soccer.

An opportunity did come up last night, very unexpectedly. My wife went out with friends while I sat at home alone. It sucked but I had dealt with these nights better prior to the past couple of weeks. My wife did ask me to drop her and her friends off and pick them up and take them home again which has been a new development as previously, she would do everything possible to not have to rely on me: no drink and take her own car, leave her car at a friend's place, or even stay at a friend's place. Last night, I got the call, went to pick them up and wound up picking up several others who invited me me out too.

I wasn't sure how to respond but I was up for it and I ran it past my wife when I had the chance. Now, I understand now that my life is my life and I'll do what I want. This was a new situation and I didn't want to rain on her parade. It was her night and I would be intruding upon it. She was OK with me hanging around so I did. We didn't really do anything together; she was talking to people and I was standing around talking to whoever came my way (she's a social butterfly whereas I'm someone who is happy to watch the party). She was within earshot for much of the night though and our marriage came up within the group (from others, not us) and rather than play it down, she acknowledged that we were married and answered questions that were asked.

It turned out to be a good night. I decided I had had enough by 2:30am and wanted to head home in preparation for the next day. My wife wanted to stay which I was apprehensive about given her state and the plethora of young men who had flocked to her but I've learned that I have to trust her as much as she has to trust me. That and her life is her life and she's not gone outside our marriage as I did, despite how popular she is and how I've treated her in the past. I left and she told me she would message me when she wanted to come home. I told her initially I'd be asleep but then told her to call me when she was done as it was below freezing, she was drunk and it was quite a walk back to our house. I drove my wife's friend home and voiced my dilemma (let my wife figure out how she's getting home versus going back to pick her up) to which she validated my feeling and supported me picking my wife up given the weather and distance.

So on to today and I feel a little lost and I know I have to work through the negative feelings and detach better. My wife and I are heading to the same town today but not together. I play my first soccer game and my wife is heading over to see people from the same store as her but in that town. She's not interested in sport so she isn't coming to watch me play. She's also going out again tonight while I'll be sitting at home alone again. I work at 6am tomorrow and after going to bed at 4:30am this morning, I may be in for an early night around dinner, laundry and TV.

So this one's been a bit of a long one. As I mentioned recently, I feel I have the tools to deal with these negative feelings better and perhaps I need to back off for myself more than for my wife. Overall, things are still progressing with my wife and I feel there will be a lot of interesting situations to navigate as we build our relationship. We'll see how we go anyway smile


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
B,

You are fighting with the switch from DB'ing dimness to working on a relationship again. It is difficult....You spent a good period of time shutting down your relationship part of your person while working on yourself. You need to fight those negative feelings and realize them for what they are....Part of the process my friend.

First.....No expectations and go with the flow. This will help you, remember it.

Going out with her friends- This is totally ok my man. You are not infringing on her social circle and personal time. She invited you which means she wanted you to spend time with her. In the past you said you did not want to spend time with her friends. So let me ask you this....How does it feel that she doesn't go to your game? Now that you asked yourself that....You joining her and her friends is a much bigger deal than the soccer game. Another thing for your personally....hanging out with her friends could be part of new B and opposite what old B would have been done. In the end it isn't about you socializing a ton with her friends or even her....It is purely about you being there where she wanted you to be.

The ride home- Very simply...no dilemma....Do what is right!! The right thing to do was to go back and get her. If you are there for her...her rock...her hero...You would be there.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Thanks LFW.

This was the period where I fell over before. At least this things are moving a lot slower and it's a good test for my patience to be able to recognise a feeling and work through it properly rather than letting it linger. It feels that recently I've had a flood of them because of last week so I've had to fight them off a bit.

As for her friends, my wife didn't invite me out, a third party did. That's why I wasn't sure about what to do. I was sitting at home studying and playing games while she was out with her friends. When I went to pick my wife and her friends up, more people got into the car and they told me they were going to an after party and suggested I came. I was up for it but I wasn't sure about it since it was my wife's thing, hence running it by her. If my wife invites me it'll be a no-brainer; go if I want to, stay if I want to stay.

As for the soccer, I'm disappointed that she didn't want to come to my game. At the same time, she doesn't like sport and I don't expect to see her there ever as the games are an hour out of town and one of my new teammates happens to be her first serious boyfriend, something she remarked about when I mentioned playing soccer to get out of the house and meet new people. This guy is married with kids so there are no issues there and being a small town everyone is connected in some way which means I'll run into an ex-boyfriend or two along the way so it's no big deal to me. I grew up in a family who did EVERYTHING together which I understand isn't healthy though it shaped my expectations about family and support. If my wife did something I would love to go and support her and I would like the same in return. I do know my wife though and I genuinely feel it would be a surprise if she watched me play one day.

The ride home - I do feel good about my decision. Putting it like "do what is right" makes me feel better about things. I knew it was the right thing to do at the time; I was unsure because I have had to let go and learn to let her fend for herself when she gets into these situations and usually I'm not around so it's as simple as go to bed and see her when I see her. She didn't have a house key so I had to wake up anyway. It made more sense to me to just go and get her because of how cold it was and how far she and her friend would have had to walk.

Just a bit of journaling to finish:

My wife and I got to bed at 4:30am yesterday and woke at 8am so I knew I was in for a long day. I was supposed to be leaving the house after midday to go to soccer and my wife had plans also. I didn't feel like going but I went anyway and I'm glad I did. I played a full game and it was fun. I'm very unfit but it was fun. I need to prioritise going to the gym again which I've had trouble doing around work, gym opening hours and justifying paying the babysitter.

I managed to get home in one piece and my wife asked about my game which was a pleasant surprise. She has asked about me more recently which was something she stopped doing altogether in the midst of separation. She had been shopping for the kids, showed me what she got, told me about a gift idea for a friend of hers who is having a baby and gave me a gift too of notepad stickers to use to bookmark pages in my uni books. It was only cheap but very thoughtful of her and also something different.

She was still feeling ill from the night before so she stayed in. I read some of my uni book while chatting with her then went into the other room when football started, folding laundry as I watched. My wife asked if I wanted to watch a movie and not being too into the football despite my team playing, I decided I would go back into the room she was in and watch a movie with her. There haven't been too many invites to do things and though the kids spend a fair bit of time with other family, my wife and I don't have a lot of time to spend together alone, and she hasn't expressed much interest in doing things together in the past few months, so I like to spend time with her when she expresses an interest in doing so.

It's back to the grind today as I start work at 6am. My wife has the house to herself which she'll enjoy. I'll see the kids sometime after work and it'll be back to the usual routine tonight, chasing kids and trying to get some more reading done.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Journaling:

Tax time is here and now I have all my information I can submit it and put a dent in the credit card debt. It'll put a fair hole in it so hopefully I'll be able to clear the rest soon. My wife is also due a refund and to complicate things between us, she can get back an additional $600 by declaring we are separated. Since we've both recently taken a hit financially that $600 appears more attractive to her than a relationship. I can deal with that part thankfully.

With my wife losing her job soon, she called this morning to find out her options regarding receiving unemployment benefits when she's out of work. Apparently, the government rejected her application for more money by declaring our separation. When she's out of work that means I'll be supporting her. No biggie. Despite our separation, I've decided to live my life as a married man and that means supporting my family. She wants to stay in town so it'll put a further strain on my finances and I still feel confident about her chances of finding work here. During and after her call, she told me the situation and questioned how she is supposed to prove that she is supporting herself when she will have to "rely on" me. I didn't know how to validate that. To me, it was an insult. I know I'm doing the right thing for our family and at the same time things like this make me wonder why I bother.

I'll just keep on keeping on. Things are stagnant at the moment and yet I know they've moved in a positive direction. I may have to back off again for my own sanity and with recent events, I need to get my mind under control. We'll see how we go.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
Journaling:

So the theme of the day is our finances and what happens to them once my wife loses her job. I believe she will find work and I get the impression that her confidence that she will find work has been shaken. Tonight, I came home and she wanted to know our expenses as we would have to join our finances back together. This wasn't a positive. My wife appeared very frustrated that she would have to rely on me and calculating our expenses appeared to make her more disappointed and angry. She told me what she could expect to receive from the government once she was out of work and also made an off-the-cuff remark about how much she would receive if she moved out, a figure over double what she would receive staying at home.

This morning and tonight have angered me. I've kept it to myself and tried to help my wife where I can, finding the numbers and answering her questions. I feel very disrespected by her though. She chose to separate our finances months ago and now that she is losing her job, she appears to expect that I will pay her bills. Don't get me wrong, I've chosen to live my life as a married man and to me that entails supporting my wife, regardless of what she feels about our relationship. I feel it is the right thing to do and I will do it. After tonight though, I feel that I need to voice my feelings 1) because I am angry and voicing my feelings is something I didn't do enough previously; 2) because I feel a little used. Things have been moving forward and I don't appreciate that she would consider going through the torment of dealing with government agencies over the support from her husband; and 3) because I've struggled for months trying to make ends meet, curbing my spending and increasing my debt because I was left in a position where I couldn't support my own life and now she won't be able to support her own life.

I know there's a boundary there somewhere. I also feel that I've done the right thing so far by supporting my family and that doing so moving forward is the right thing to do regardless of what she thinks or feels. I am conflicted right now and I've decided to sleep on it. I work early tomorrow morning and I have some time at home by myself through the day so I'll have a good 12 hours to process and digest things before expressing my feelings.

If nothing else, it cements my thought earlier that I will need to back off. She appears to be in a negative frame of mind and my presence hasn't helped during these times before. On the plus side, I see two positives: either my wife will find work and her mood will improve or her presence at home will create more flexibility for myself to be able to go back to the gym and catch up on my uni studies. As upset as I feel at the moment, I am going to keep looking at the positives.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Is the boundary somewhere around WHAT you will financially support? For instance, you'll make sure the lights are kept on and there's food in the fridge but not going to be giving her spending money to go out to bars with friends.

Obviously up to you but that was what came to mind for me so I thought I'd toss out there..


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
It's more about her attitude. ie. if she wants my support then appreciate it and if she doesn't want my support then that's OK. I just didn't appreciate the whole "i have to do this" tone in her voice. I get that having to rely on me when she doesn't want to is a burden that she doesn't want. I shouldn't have to be made to feel that I am a burden though. We either work together or we don't. It's about respect.

As it is, she expressed some thoughts to me after she went to bed and I validated. She felt that I was "in a mood" and made her feel as though giving her the expenses I had was a chore of sorts. I sat on it for a while and decided to express my feelings in return and by then she had fallen asleep. She'll see what I've had to say this morning. I've reviewed what I've said and I feel good about it. I've basically said that I'm there for her but she's shown that she doesn't need me and she has options other than me. I've also said to show me some respect if she does use my support.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Page 3 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard