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Just had a reality check with the W yesterday. While my relationship with the sons isn't the best after the BD. I have been trying to build the relationship up, by showing and being a better Dad to the boys. I still feel I am an outsider to them.
Anyway, last night my oldest S21, told me his fiance (engaged for the last 9 months) has quit her job, deferred her last year at Uni and called off the January wedding.
All I could do was offer empathy, a place for him to stay and whatever support he needed.
What hurt was the W knew about this 2 weeks ago. Not even a text to let me know he was in pain, hurting and had this happen to him. I would think a situation like this would at least warrant a text to let me know. I can only imagine that I wouldn't be told anything if any of the sons went to hospital or were hurt.
So the reality check is that I am not going to be treated as a co-dependant parent with her, but left out of the equation.
I had been in regular contact with my son over the time he had the fiance walk out. So he decided for whatever reason (sadness, scared, worried, embarrassed) not to talk to me as well.
I know this is all baby steps work. I know I have to work hard at my relationship with my sons, to have them feel a lot more secure in talking to me about their personal life. It just hurt to hear your flesh and blood has been hurt and you find out after everyone else has.


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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HWA,

So sorry to hear this. Perhaps your son may not feel "man" enough to open up to another man. Is it a man thing? Dunno. You can gently ask son how he's feeling and tell him that you're there for him no matter what. You're hurting for him and make him aware that he's free to tell you whatever is on his mind.

Keep working on that R with your boys. Don't give up. Keep at it.

How's your new life? Lady friend? New job?

I'm so glad to see that you've checked in here.

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Wonka, everything is great outside of what happened to my son. The job transfer to this school back home is fantastic. Great people, bosses and actually enjoy going to work each day. A better outlook in life helps.
My partner and I have been together for over 5 months now. A big weekend coming up, her birthday. Off to the Palace Versace and an Audi TT car hire (her favourite) for the day and night.
Communication with the partner is fantastic, we talk about what affects us, our future, worries, joys and us.
While it may not show (my opinion only), I know how much I have changed inside. The things I would have done previously just aren't the same.
I am less stressed, less anxious and less rushed. I am more accepting of other people and their concerns or views.
With regards to my boys, I won't be giving up and will keep at it. We are all (my two sons and I) going to the movies tonight. Had to tell the oldest son he didn't have a choice, he is coming out tonight. Hopefully my son will follow through with "lets talk tonight Dad" after the movie.
With what is going on with the marriage, or the old marriage? All legal separation is over with. Name changes are done on all the registered vehicles. Both houses are in my name, with me know the sole person owing a fortune for this privilege. Though, I feel very lucky to be able to still own the houses. I have paid out the W for her share of the properties. I have the "binding financial agreement" that allows me to change the names on any legal paperwork in the future, if it comes up. All bank accounts have been cancelled. I only have bank accounts (new) in my name.
I am still expecting the divorce papers to arrive at any time. But feel more confident in issuing them myself if nothing by October. That is the deadline I have given myself. Two years.
The W hasn't communicated at all. If a text does come, it is usually a legal once sentence request.
I have accepted my W is gone, my marriage is gone. It hurts, a lot, but it has happened. The W is still on my mind each day. I am trying very hard to stop it, but it is a very slow process.
I am very lucky to have someone special come into my life.


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,364
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Still enjoying by life, my job and partner. We have now had 7 months together.
No contact with or from the W since I asked her view on our son's fiance walking away.
Actually saw the in-laws today at a fun run. They came up and said hello, said I looked well and then had about 5 minutes of general chit chat. Nothing about what I am doing or what the W is doing.
Started working on improving the house: started painting rooms inside the house, continuing on pulling out the old concrete garden edging and cleaning up the front of the house.
Have bought a new bed and new lounge.
Still awaiting my divorce papers, but nothing yet. Funny I would have expected them many months ago, as the divorce could have been done a year after separation. That year was up 10 months ago. Still haven't reached the point where I want to start the divorce proceedings, though I do feel it will need to be done sooner rather than later. My partner doesn't like the idea of dating a married man, neither do I like being still married while continuing a good partnership with a good woman.
Take care all.


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
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HWA,

It seems to me that you're carving a new life with you and making changes to your house that YOU want and like. How wonderful is that??!

You're doing so well with your path. Yes, I am sure there will be moments when you miss the old marriage and your family unit. Nowhere to go but forward..right?

Keep going, mate! smile

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Thanks Wonka, you wrote exactly how it is.
It is great to start and carve a new life, making changes to me and my house along the way. It is wonderful, really wonderful.
There are moments that I miss the marriage, the routine, the family unit. I really expected it would decrease, especially with the new partner, but it hasn't.
I am still struggling with the sons, it just doesn't seem like that have any interest in their father.

**** Laurie if you are reading, is it good to use my last call to discuss issues around my sons???????

What is certainly great, is the ability to recognise so much difference in my old self and how I acted with the W, to the new me and how I act with the new partner. I love it.


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,364
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Feeling quite sad for the W. Just found out she got the transfer with the OW to Gympie (about 1.5 hours away from Brisbane). But she ended up in a school about an hour away from where they will be living. In a country area that is a long way to drive.
The W also found out that her parents and sister, along with my sons, want to buy a large house, still in Brisbane and all live together.
There is a room for the W, but not the OW, and the W would also have to quit her job as a teacher.
It does seem the family are not happy with the choices she has made.
I don't feel any happiness for what is happening with her, but I know that she has made this choice and therefore she must go through doing this.
At least she will be with her OW, rather than in a country area all by herself.
I wish I could say something to her, but I am not supposed to be aware of these happenings. I also understand I shouldn't say anything anyway.
Also feeling sad that my two boys are more interested in living with the SIL and the W's parents, rather than with me.
While trying to be positive about everything, it still feels (to me) that I am solely responsible for all that has gone on. It hurts to know that the boys lives have been so changed because of this separation.
It does seem though, that the boys are showing the W the same level of communication etc as me.
Life is still going very well with my partner. We just celebrated 8 months of togetherness. Communication is big and going well.
One thing I do need to be aware of and alter, is talking about how I feel about the loss of the friends and family (not the W) to my partner. It usually comes up from another subject, rather than just talking about the family/friends.


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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How often to you talk to your kids? Have you had a heart to heart with them?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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MrBond, I have had many heart to hearts with the boys. Way back in the beginning, apologising for my part of what has happened. Then over time, discussing why and how I got the house, could I/should I date and their view on it. To only a few weeks ago, telling them I have a new partner and introducing her to the boys.
The boys are simply shut down, when any discussion is about us, the situation or what happened.
I feel the boys hear enough from the SIL, who they live with. She is definitely a person who tells it how it is, from her perspective.
I contact the boys weekly, usually texting, but also calls. I am starting to do monthly dinners and have invited them to some places we/I might be going to.
I suppose what I try to do with the boys, is show them the new me all the time. Be happy, communicative and ask them what is happening to them. I try to validate as much as possible.
I try to be the Dad that will be available for them when I am needed. It just isn't the time that they need me now.


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
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Posts: 7,319
HWA,

Boy..that was a tough reading...even to me.

Here's the thing...they're all grown ups. They make decisions that you may not always like or agree with. It is how they want to forge a life of their own.

Just as you are with your new partner. It is a positive to read that you do try to reach out to your boys. For me, my best memories of when I called my late father on Sunday evenings no matter where I was in the US. It was a ritual that we never broke until I moved in with him when he had cancer and passes away two years ago.

Likewise with my mother....I talk with her frequently.

Perhaps you can try this and see if you can establish some type of phone ritual with your boys. Just a thought.

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