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Thanks I'll do that (and won't be squatting your thread for advice either!). Now the matter of her new address is closed (I genuinely didn't want the insurance to lapse as we share that car; she's not the best driver), dark it is.

Thanks so much, and again like many people here I am so glad for your progress.


M:37
W:38
No kids
Together since 2006, Married since 2010
EA discovered 06/07/2014
W moved out 06/08/2014
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Stop by anytime! I'll try and stay on top of your sitch as well!

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Originally Posted By: Thornton
Thank you all for the kind words, it's much appreciated.

I will be meeting WAW for the very first time since bomb on Friday for lunch. She asked me out! smile

She asked me to meet her for lunch today but I had meetings at work and politely declined.

We are still taking things really slow. We are flirting with each other like when we first met and I am letting her initiate contact about 75% of the time. I don't want to appear to be too eager. As time passes, I will slowly begin to balance it out.

Please note, I am NOT a veteran and I am FAR from truly piecing but I would like to share some things that seemed to help me. I hope you all can take something from this.

1. I went STRICT NC on the advice of the vets. I listened to everything the vets told me to do. Not once did I deviate. It was incredibly hard for me do. NC for me was exactly 30 days until she texted me about picking up her things from my house. I acted friendly and didn't fight her on it or ask questions. I finally initiated a text with her for the first time in week 7. It was friendly and I teased her.

2. I attended therapy and still am.

3. I prayed every night before I went to bed. First I thanked God for things I DID have (my family, my job, my daughter, my car). I also asked him to give me signs (good or bad) that I was moving in the right direction. Finally I asked him to restore my relationship if it was in HIS will. I continue to pray every night and thank him for the good things happening in my life.

4. I tried to help others on this board as opposed to only posting about my sitch all the time. It was cathartic for me and still is, hence this post.

5. When I did have contact with WAW, I always made sure to end the convo first. This was hard because I could text/talk to her for hours. I missed her so incredibly much.

6. I read Divorce Remedy about 30 times, lol.

7. Anytime I felt down, I would post here to vent. Anytime I felt like doing something crazy (pursuit), I would post here first and let people talk me off the ledge.

8. When the timing was right for me, I took a risk and contacted her. This was really scary for me as I was worried about backsliding and ruining things.

9. I listened to my mom when she told me "Let your faith be bigger than your fear". That was my mantra and I had to repeat it to myself 500x a day.

Thank you all for your support.

Thornton


Now we can have Thorn's 9 Rules.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hey Thornton,

Great advice a couple posts back I actually have done most of what you outlined except going dark.

My W still lives in the Marital home with me but says she is moving then doesn't and the cycle repeats. I Have been able to handle this arrangement for the most part by GAL and 180's. She is doing the same thing I suppose but with an A I believe. She knows I suspect something but I do not bring it up she does. I try to validate but seem to backslide at the same time.

My question is we are sorta at no contact even though our rooms are 2 ft apart. She brings up things when she needs to. I try really hard not to do the same.

Should I continue like this or would it be alright to ask her in a calm manner what her feelings really are and validate and empathize like crazy if she start to respond? I know this is breaking one of Sandi's rules but I don't want to talk about R as much as I just want to know her feelings whether or not it helps our M.

I know what things that I have done that have made her upset and got us to this point of being "done" and made her fall out of love with me. I have owned up to these.

My wife Has started to tell me she sees changes and is glad I am getting things right with myself. But W is upset because she says I wouldn't do it her. I validate this but she is still angry.

W definitely has her own view on things that have been said and done, which is her choice and right.

I just can't help but think if I knew her feelings from her personally and not what I think they are,

It may help in two ways 1st it would give real insight into why she is "done" and 2nd with this knowledge I may then be able to completely accept her decision to D and completely let go instead of just doing my own thing and detaching so what she does will not affect anymore.

Your story is an inspiration to me, Thanks


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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Hi Nit,

Again, I'm not a vet so take what I say with a grain of salt.

If I were in your shoes, I would keep experimenting and monitoring my results. I think I would actually keep a log of things and jot down how WAW reacted in each situation. Then you might be able to see some patterns and act accordingly.

Let me ask, when you first met WAH and you were both in the honeymoon stage, how were you then? How are you now? Can you see any differences in how you were then and how you are now?

Try to be the guy back then. I'm sure you were confident, flirty, devilish grin, funny, and active right?

For me, I try to remember how I was when I first met WAW. I remember I was confident (almost cocky), funny, free spirited, I was out doing things. Slowly that changed and I became one dimensional, grumpy at times, far from flirty, and pretty boring to be honest.

Also, what can you do to GAL that would blow your WAW's mind? Think of something that would make her really think. Salsa dancing? Sky diving? Scuba lessons?

We need to get our mojo back!

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Thor,

You're learning fast! And applying what you've learned here...that's big since there's real growth right there. GALing is sooo sooo important.

Keep it up.

For others....read on and learn.

I sent a text to Ms. Wonka prior to July 4th festivities wishing her a happy holiday, bring on the sparklers, and enjoy some grilled food. I didn't hear back from her at all until this morning which is now over a week.

She left a quite cryptic message:

Thanks, it was. I will be in touch later.


I thought to myself, "Hmmm...she sent the text at 5:30 am. Interesting. You want to talk later? Alrighty...whenever you're ready."

I sent back a response saying:

Okay. Thanks.

Just letting Ms. Wonka set the pace here.

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That is pretty cryptic, Wonka!

You haven't spoken to her in 4 months right? Now she's going to be in touch later?

That one has me scratching my head...

She waited a week to respond and then finally responds at 5:30am this morning. Welcome to the Twilight Zone!

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Keep it up guys, it really does provide inspiration to us noobs to see the DB method getting positive results.
Hopefully receive my copy soon so I can jump right in.


me 46, w 46
D22, S14
M 2, T 23
WAW 3/11
ILYBINILWY 3/14
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Thornton,

Thanks for responding!! TBH I am getting back to that guy I was way back. At least my friends and family think so, W not so much.

Maybe she does see it but blows it off and says things like "I am so glad you are getting yourself right. I wish you no ill will."

She knows I love her because I told her last week after our support hearing that If she was in an A(she doesn't admit)if she quit it and went NC with OM then and it was her desire we could work on things because I still love you. (huge backslide on my part I know).

Confusing thing is this past Sunday after not talking to me for a week because she said I am "dead to her". She asked about bill statements because she wanted to pay her back payments.

The conversation went on from there and while it was taking place. W mentions some stuff out of the blue that caught me off guard and confused me.

First of all, I thought she was moving out after the hearing, she now has hinted that she might be staying but says I will live my existence in this room while she lives hers in that room. It doesn't matter either way to me if she goes or stays.

Then she brings up the baby issue again, but the one comment that most confused me the most was her saying that people have asked her a couple times if I ever said I love you, please lets work on this,lets go to counseling anything but D.

W says " you did none of that, you just said this will financially ruin you."

I responded with "for 2 months before S I asked for counseling and you said no. Specifically, the day you are recalling I said this will be emotional devastating and it very hard financially for both of us. I don't want a D."

W said Monday after the hearing was the first time in 1 year you said I love you to me.

I told her "because you already knew I loved you there is no reason to tell you over and over again because that would be smothering and that is something you complained about."

I have a fear of flying but was always going up with my Dad when he was a flight instructor when I was young.

I was thinking of taking flying lessons but it might not be in the budget at the moment.

If I could afford a short vacation I could take a flight somewhere. This is something I wanted to do with W last year before BD but she was already done I guess and put up some resistance.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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No worries!

I think you need to reel it in a little bit. You've backslid and seen what it does, right?

So... don't backslide anymore. You seem to have a lot of relationship talks. I don't think you should do that anymore. I think you should focus on having positive interaction with WAW and keep having positive interactions with her.

When my WAW started texting me again, I always kept it light and friendly. I desperately wanted reassurance from her but I knew I couldn't do that. I just kept it fun and friendly and I even teased her a little bit (that was the old me, the guy she fell in love with). I also made sure I ended the convo first, that was hard because I missed her so much.

She needs to view you differently and that will take consistency on your part, with no backsliding.

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