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Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind #2461951
06/20/14 03:05 PM
06/20/14 03:05 PM
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I've spent so much time looking back on the past. Memories are so hard to push away. It's dawning on me that I haven't spent any time looking ahead, probably because I don't know where to start or what it's supposed to look like.
It's coming up on 3 years since the bomb went off and blew my world apart. I'm still picking up the pieces, I'm just not sure where they go. There's no junk drawer for this stuff.
In short, I moved in with a friend shortly after BD. H and I started "dating" and he asked me to move back in 4 months later. I did. Things were good for a while, but this was early MLC so of course it didn't last long. I ended up moving back home a few months later (1900 miles away). He flew down 2 weeks later begging me to come back. I did. Everything was wonderful, for about 7 months. I moved back home exactly a year after I left the second time. I know what you're probably thinking, I should never have left. To me, it was what I felt I needed to do. It was harder to be ignored than in was to be gone. We had always been very affectionate with each other, couldn't pass one another in the hall without some sort of contact. I felt sick to my stomach 24/7 and was losing weight rapidly (I was never heavy so it was becoming very noticeable).
I was a wreck when I left. I got another job and kept myself busy so I didn't have a lot of time to dwell. I stayed with my sister for nearly 3 months until I could get my own place. I got a nice condo on the beach, made new friends, and gradually pulled myself together.
I had to go back for my D's graduation last month. My H had been asking me to come visit him for a few days prior to the graduation and suggested we could then fly out there together (he is now in Texas, I'm in Florida, D was in Colorado). It had been 7 months since I'd seen him and I have to admit, I really missed him. I went and we spent a wonderful couple of days together. While I was there he told me he was sorry for "everything", that he loved/missed me, hopes we'll get back together one day, I'm his favorite person on earth, etc. I was a bit shocked, but it was good to hear it. I was secretly hoping I'd go there and feel nothing for him, but boy was I wrong.
Now he's back to being distant and I feel like I did when I first left. The weight I managed to gain back is gone and I just feel empty inside. When I initiate contact he pulls away, and when I don't he'll send a "good morning, hope you have an awesome day" text.
Oh yeah, I checked his email (yes, I was snooping, shame on me) and I found a Craigslist ad he posted a few days after I left. He was basically looking for companionship (and sex I'm sure). I was devastated. To think he'd rather spend time with a stranger than with me was like a knife through the heart. On the one hand I'm disgusted that he would sink to that level (to post an ad on freaking Craigslist), yet on the other hand I feel sorry for him, for the very same reason! It just screams desperation.
I don't talk to anyone about all of this because I'm tired of hearing "MLC? That's just a bs excuse", "you need to just forget him and move on", etc. It's hard enough trying to understand everything myself, and it's downright exhausting to try and get someone who isn't dealing with it to understand. While they all mean well, it just makes me clam up and retreat back into my own tunnel.
I know this is "touch and go" behavior, but it's still difficult to deal with. I "fell off the wagon" and let myself get my hopes up, forgetting that MLC makes them unreliable and fickle (or maybe I WANTED to forget for a moment).
He's also back to calling me "sweetie" when we do talk, and saying "MISS YOU" in his texts. I refuse to say I miss him, even though I do. I don't really know what to do at this point. I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't know if I should just stop communicating all together or just not initiate contact from this point on. I'm also starting to wonder if I'd even want him back at this point. I've gotten quite used to being alone, it's not nearly as scary as I imagined (in fact, it's extremely peaceful once you get the hang of it).

Any thoughts? Suggestions?



Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: Second1] #2463493
06/25/14 09:39 PM
06/25/14 09:39 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,037
NY
Cadet Online

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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: Cadet] #2463496
06/25/14 09:45 PM
06/25/14 09:45 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 241
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Listen to Cadet! It is the toughest thing you will ever go through but some of the vets have saved their marriage while others have transformed to be way better further spouses than ever possible. We are all hear limping along and not giving up. Looking forward to encouraging you .

Cadet. That is some amazing resources: lots of copying & pasting on this forum thread today. A hearty thanks!


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: rayzzz] #2463526
06/25/14 11:20 PM
06/25/14 11:20 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,037
NY
Cadet Online

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Originally Posted By: rayzzz

Cadet. That is some amazing resources: lots of copying & pasting on this forum thread today. A hearty thanks!

Welcome rayzzz to the MLC forum.

I have been working on that post for a long time, so yup it has some good stuff in it.
Also unfortunately due to forum mechanics it cant be completely copied and pasted because all the links will not work for some strange ubb (forum provider) reason.

Anyways glad they are of use to you.


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: Cadet] #2463571
06/26/14 01:49 AM
06/26/14 01:49 AM
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Second1 Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet, that's quite a list. I've decided to go dark for now so I've got plenty of time for homework.



Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: Cadet] #2463759
06/26/14 05:55 PM
06/26/14 05:55 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
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Second1 Offline OP
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Wow, so much info to digest. I've read quite a bit already (Musings from AmyC was an eye opener, too bad there aren't more like that because it really helps to understand what our MLCrs are going through).
For the moment though, I'd like a little advice on what to do. My situation is a little different because our kids are grown so we don't have any real reason to talk on a regular basis, and we live in different states.
When I saw him last month he apologized "for everything, for destroying our marriage" several times and said he hopes we'll get back together one day. He left it at that and I didn't press for any specifics. One I got home he seemed to distance himself again. Then I stopped contacting him altogether and he started texting me again with "miss you" and "hope you're having an awesome day".
I feel like he's wanting to hold on to both his "freedom" and his wife at the same time. Doesn't that grow tiresome after a while? I'm not sure how to respond or react at this point. So for the time being I'm doing nothing. Should I admit I miss him too? Or would that just encourage the cake eating? If I don't reciprocate his feelings will he begin to think I don't care?
It's so confusing, I cycle between wanting to hold on and let this play out and wanting to just move on. I don't want to enter into another relationship until I know this one is over and we're divorced because to me it's still adultery on my part regardless of what is going on in my marriage, and he is in no hurry for a divorce (he totally avoids the subject).
How do you really know when the MLC has run its course? I don't want to be in the same place years from now only to realize it was over long ago and I just didn't know it.



Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: Second1] #2464692
06/30/14 02:17 PM
06/30/14 02:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,037
NY
Cadet Online

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Originally Posted By: Lori65
My situation is a little different because our kids are grown so we don't have any real reason to talk on a regular basis, and we live in different states.
No your sich is not that much different than others, like mine for instance.
Originally Posted By: Lori65
When I saw him last month he apologized "for everything, for destroying our marriage" several times and said he hopes we'll get back together one day. He left it at that and I didn't press for any specifics. One I got home he seemed to distance himself again. Then I stopped contacting him altogether and he started texting me again with "miss you" and "hope you're having an awesome day".
Sounds like more of the script TBH.
Originally Posted By: Lori65
I feel like he's wanting to hold on to both his "freedom" and his wife at the same time. Doesn't that grow tiresome after a while? I'm not sure how to respond or react at this point. So for the time being I'm doing nothing.
Sounds like a good idea.
Originally Posted By: Lori65
Should I admit I miss him too?
Or would that just encourage the cake eating?
If I don't reciprocate his feelings will he begin to think I don't care?
It's so confusing, I cycle between wanting to hold on and let this play out and wanting to just move on. I don't want to enter into another relationship until I know this one is over and we're divorced because to me it's still adultery on my part regardless of what is going on in my marriage, and he is in no hurry for a divorce (he totally avoids the subject).
There are no right or wrong answers for this.
You need to worry about yourself and not him.
So the right answer is to do things for YOU not to try to win him back.
Originally Posted By: Lori65
How do you really know when the MLC has run its course?
I don't want to be in the same place years from now only to realize it was over long ago and I just didn't know it.
Your marriage was over at Bomb Drop.
Whether you can build a new one or not in the future is really the question.
Until the MLC is over - the ball is not in your court.

Take the love that you have - put it in a strong box and put the box up on a shelf in the closet.
Someday in the future you can pull it out dust it off and peek inside to see if it is still there, but not now.

You will know that MLC is over when their are consistant ACTIONS - not words that prove it to you.


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: Cadet] #2465205
07/01/14 08:23 PM
07/01/14 08:23 PM
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Posts: 13
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Second1 Offline OP
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It's so easy to forget the ABCs of MLC when they shine that ray of hope in your eyes. It can be blinding. You start to think "OMG! It's happening! The fog is lifting and he's realizing what he's done! He wants to fix it! Oh happy day!". You think the play is over, then you realize it was only intermission. Boy do you feel foolish; embarrassed even (like tripping in public, you want to look around and see if anyone saw you).
So, I'm packing up my love and storing it away. If there's ever a next time, I'll know better than to get my hopes up. I think the key to detaching is giving up hope and moving on. That may sound morbid but hope is what keeps you from dropping the rope. It keeps you hanging on.
I've given it to God and taken it back more times than I cant even remember. I'm giving it to Him for good now. I'll continue to say my marriage restoration prayer in the morning and at night, but that's all I'm going to invest of myself. It's probably all I need anyway. If it's meant to be, God will make a way.



Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: Second1] #2465956
07/04/14 01:54 AM
07/04/14 01:54 AM
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I haven't called or texted H for a few days. As seems to be the pattern when I don't contact him, he texted me a picture of "the best bbq I've ever had in my life". We exchanged a few comments, very light and cherry. It just seems so freaking weird. All that's happened and IS happening, and he's sending me pics of bbq brisket (he knows I love brisket, but still). He seems so childlike in a lot of ways, it's very strange (once he sent me a picture of his lunch, another time of a house his company is providing and installing millwork for, and a picture of his face where a tree branch hit him while riding his bike). It's like he's away at camp and keeping "mom" up to date on his trip.

He wished me a "happy 4th of July" and as always, ended his texts with "miss you". Those two words used to get me excited, now, nothing. I guess that's "growth". Lol.

God sure has His hands full with this one.



Re: Life in the past lane,surely make ya lose yo mind [Re: Second1] #2465964
07/04/14 02:26 AM
07/04/14 02:26 AM
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Hi Lori65, welcome to the worst club to be in, but the best and safest place to be.

Just read your sitch and in MHO I think you have got what it takes to successfully get through this no matter which way it pans out. The ever vigilant Cadet has given you lots of tools to help guide you, and you will find so much support by everyone here once your thread gets exposure. So keep posting even if you think no one is looking/listening. They are a sneaky bunch, but once they get a hold of you hang on for some of the best life advice and support you will ever get anywhere. Peruse the Active Posts or specific Forum groups and post to others even if it's just a few words of encouragement or comparing notes. I'm certainly no vet, I am struggling, but I'm sure glad I have my DB friends here to help me through the rough days.

Here's what I think is your first,but certainly not your last hug! ((()))


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
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