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Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2450507#Post2450507

I'm chasing some advice from the vets here. I feel I've got a pretty good handle on things and a potentially touchy subject has come up. My brother's wedding is on the other side of the country next February and my brother asked if my kids could be a part of the ceremony. My wife and I were happy with this and we plan on going across together. She said she was only going to the wedding to watch the kids and with things the way they were at the time I ignored it as who knows where our relationship would be in 12 months time?

Lately, my wife appears to be thawing with me. We had a fantastic day together last Thursday, I did something nice for her on Friday just because I had a thought and not to get anything out of it (she appreciated it), and last night we watched TV together for the first time in months and shared some small talk and laughs. She's also started doing little things for me again, like making me coffee without asking if I want one rather than getting one only for herself. They're positive baby steps and I'm not getting ahead of myself. She's still very much doing her own thing.

While we were watching TV, my wife researched flights and we discussed planning the trip to lock in dates and prices. I think it's a good idea as things can change pretty quickly. We still have eight months before the wedding so we have some time up our sleeve. Where my problem is is that I won't be going to the wedding pretending to be a happy family when we aren't. Either she attends because we're a family who has problems that we're working through or I take the kids myself and my wife has her own holiday or doesn't come at all.

Is it worth bringing up now so we can plan accordingly or is there merit in leaving it and seeing how our relationship evolves?


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
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Barry,

I think i would leave it. By then , you will have a better idea of where you guys are and can act accordingly at that time. Bringing it up now is adding unnecessary pressure to the situation.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Thanks cat. That was my gut feeling so I must be learning something.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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These week-apart updates are starting to become regular now. Not much is changing really. My wife and I are doing our own things under the same roof and I'm enjoying it. Sure, I look forward to the days when there may be a relationship as well. I'm in a good place at the moment though. I've been off work most of last week due to the flu and my wife has been excellent helping me with ideas to try and beat it. She even asked if I'd be fine with the kids one night which was nice.

Through the week we attended mediation for D4. I wasn't permitted to be a part of it so I ran some errands and caught up with my wife and solicitor in the breaks. Nothing substantial was achieved and yet my wife was reasonably happy with how things went as our solicitor was very supportive of her.

This week my MIL has traveled the country to stay with us. It's been an interesting couple of days so far and definitely testing my patience. She's a nice person but she's nosey, a bit of a know it all, a hypochondriac and self-centred. She also has a habit of telling you all sorts of things noone is interested in. My wife joked tonight that she was going to kill her before the week is out so I'm not the only one who is feeling irritated. As much as we appreciate my MIL coming to visit, it's business as usual for my wife and I with work, kids and house.

The cross-country trip next February has been a bit of a hot topic. My wife and MIL have been discussing it and my wife has been throwing ideas my way. I've received and responded to her ideas as appropriate yet I still feel uncomfortable with the idea of booking a trip while not knowing if we'll be a family then or not. As much as my wife has made no movement towards me, things between us have been positive and friendly, and it feels like we're a family, just without the relationship. My wife even appears to be treating the holiday as a family holiday, despite the uncertainty about our relationship. My wife discovered a sale on airfares today that would save us $1000 on flights plus several hundred dollars in fuel, accommodation and lost wages. Needless to say, we're going to have to make some quick decisions to save a substantial amount of money.

That escalated things a little. For me, I feel that I'll have to address the uncertainty sooner as I want to be up front with my wife about our presence at the wedding. As I mentioned last week, I don't want to pretend to be a happy family if we're not a family. At the same time, I REALLY don't want to push my wife as things are quite good between us at the moment and I'd like to let things grow rather than force an outcome. I overheard my MIL asking questions about our sleeping arrangements in February and my wife said "it's only June. I don't know." I'm looking for accommodation near the wedding where we have the option of sleeping together or in separate rooms. While visiting my wife's family however, my wife intends on having us stay at MIL's house which could pose some logistical challenges with potentially separated parents and three children between two rooms.

All in all, as I said earlier, it feels like we're getting on with family life, and my wife and I are getting along well, just without the relationship.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,033
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B,

Act "as-if" nothing is wrong.....You are a family, albeit a broken one at the moment. In the end though, you are still a family and should do family things together.

Also an outside way of looking at the wedding....You investing in tickets to go is like you investing in the relationship with her. Investing in a relationship builds trust and security....Something she currently lacks in you.

Act "as-if"....buy the tickets and build trust.

Remove your wants for a second and review the big picture....The answer is there for you to see.


"Be the changes you want to see in the world"
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Thanks LFW. Nice to see you in here again. I hope your health is alright.

My wife shared some thoughts with me today. She's done some reading and (her words) she feels like she's coming out of the fog. She sensed my anxiety about the trip and we discussed it briefly. She wants to go anyway and cross the relationship bridge when we get to it. In a nutshell, she wants to do what you've suggested. I feel better getting it off my chest and I feel we're on the same page. As she said, there are no promises but she's all in for a family holiday whether she's at the wedding or not, whether we're together or not.

In other news, my MIL's visit was cut short tonight. She felt unwelcome here and decided to leave. My MIL has stepped on everyone's toes and played the victim card, usual for her, and my wife and I have done our best not to reward her behaviour. This morning she continued the behaviour. I was dead tired, focused on getting the kids ready for the day and I wasn't in the mood for her impatience and neediness and I snapped at her. My MIL brought it up this evening and my wife supported me, telling her mother she has been childish, so she left before I got home. It's days like today that I'm thankful for coming across DB as I've learned that I am responsible for my own behaviour and happiness and I have only achieved happiness by taking responsibility for myself rather than continuing to blame my wife, dad, whoever. My MIL is a nice person (in small doses) and I sincerely hope she sees the light before it's too late.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
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Things are moving on well or you Barry! I do look forwards to seeing how well.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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My wife appears to be exploring her own mind and heart and including me in her thoughts without committing to anything or getting my hopes up. I don't blame her as I've put her through a lot. The funny part is, I feel good about myself regardless of what my wife is thinking and I'm enjoying my wife's company without the pressure of a relationship. Of course, I still want my wife as my wife long term. I just feel that I'm getting a picture of what a new, improved relationship with two independent people looks like. Still no intimacy but far more communication and teamwork.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
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Those are baby steps.

Good for you smile



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Another eight days since an update. It's been a different week here with a little more action in my world. I started my university orientation this week and I'll begin going over coursework in preparation for the start of lectures next week. The local soccer team is also desperate for players and I've put my hand up seeing as it fits in with my schedule. I'm still recovering from the flu but I've been able to work this past week which has been good for me and my hip pocket.

On the wife front, things are progressing slowly. We've spent more time together as a family rather than in separate living areas. Still doing our own things but I'm on hand if she has a thought or question. We booked our flights for the wedding next year and we're looking at accommodation to cover all scenarios. She is speaking about family issues from a "we" perspective rather than an "I/you" manner. This includes finances which has been a hot topic this week with the wedding as well as impending legal costs for D4 and our cars.

This morning, W asked if we got back together whether a baby was on the cards. I told her that prior to our separation, I didn't value her thoughts and feelings and that I brushed aside what she wanted (car and baby) because I felt they would cripple us. I told her that I should have worked from an "how can we make this work" perspective rather than shutting her down. I also said I'm working from the perspective that if we got back together that baby number four is inevitable. She's making no promises and any baby is a while of yet. Prior to this mornings conversation she has discussed baby names and birth control with me. So she appears to be working through things in her mind at the moment.

Still no physical intimacy though we have been physically closer recently, not touching but in each other's space without awkwardness, and there has been a lot of communication and teamwork with some smiles and laughs along the way.

I bought her flowers a couple of days ago which she hasn't acknowledged. No biggie there as I bought them to cheer her up after some rough news. Not quite DB-friendly but my intentions were pure and my conscience was clear. And a couple of dollars go to the Heart Foundation so it's a bonus.

All in all I'm feeling good. A little overwhelmed by what lies ahead with uni but good. I have really wanted to hug my wife a couple of times this week with some of the things that have popped up but I've kept myself in check and dealt with any negative feelings on my own. I'm looking forward to uni and soccer and I'll keep organising our trip next year as well.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
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