CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


A Divorce Busting Telephone Coach
can help you save your marriage singlehandedly!
CALL 303-444-7004
or see Coaching Packages online at the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 12 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 12
Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: Cadet] #2458901
06/09/14 06:42 PM
06/09/14 06:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
GoatGal  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
"Edit Preferences" at the bottom I've checked "No" and "No" to getting emails for private messages or watched topics.

Under "Edit Profile" I have my email address listed, but checked "No" for whether I want to receive emails about the site, etc.

I did this yesterday and still get them.

I'm afraid to remove my email address. I might get dumped off.

(Maybe I should put in H's email address! Wouldn't THAT jump start my afternoon!!! What a funny thought....)


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: GoatGal] #2458910
06/09/14 07:15 PM
06/09/14 07:15 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,042
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,042
NY
OK try this.

Go into my stuff

watch lists

then edit each list and see what the e-mail notifications says.

I bet yours are set to receive e-mails


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: Cadet] #2458912
06/09/14 07:18 PM
06/09/14 07:18 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,042
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,042
NY
There is watched topics
watched forums
and watch users

edit all of them


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: Cadet] #2458935
06/09/14 08:07 PM
06/09/14 08:07 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
GoatGal  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
THANK YOU!!!

"By Jove, I think she's GOT it!" smile


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: GoatGal] #2458937
06/09/14 08:10 PM
06/09/14 08:10 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,042
NY
Cadet Offline

Member
Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,042
NY
Now that you are familiar with that function - you can use the edit watched user list to search for posters here on DB.

Sometimes that can be quite useful.

Glad we FIXED it! smile smile smile


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: Cadet] #2458960
06/09/14 09:01 PM
06/09/14 09:01 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
GoatGal  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
Great. I will.

Some of the posters here have been so wise, so helpful.. even with the dreaded "2 x 4"s!

(I hope I don't get one but the more I post it's bound to happen!)

There is a lot of tough love going on here more than hand-holding, but sometimes that's really what's needed to get people to shine more brightly.

What is most impressive is that they dedicate their time to others for YEARS during, and even after, their own situations have resolved one way or the other.

I have read a lot of the old posts; copied some of them to my private notes.

I see that periodically these threads are pruned. I hope the best nuggets get saved. It looks like they do.


The information is priceless.


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: GoatGal] #2459076
06/10/14 03:08 AM
06/10/14 03:08 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
G
GoatGal Offline OP
Member
GoatGal  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
Thoughts on today:

Detaching.
It's more than just pretending that you don't care and showing this to your spouse.
It's actually not caring.
And I have a long way to go.

Dim/Dark:
More like a dimmer switch.
I'm doing this for me when I need space and time to think things through, when I feel too raw to trust myself to be my best with him, or when I just want to focus on myself without his energy interfering with that process.

Communication:
Just because he is not contacting me doesn't mean he doesn't care for me and isn't thinking of me. (See above.)

Mind-Reading vs. Understanding:
Understanding is a precursor to compassion. Trying to understand my H's feelings and motivations is important for me to gain insight into what I might improve in myself.

I am struggling with differentiating "Understanding" from "Mind-Reading" but I will take a stab at it.

Understanding is based on facts, history, measurable results, good or bad.
"W was diagnosed with x"= Fact
"H left that night, drunk, and with a woman in the car"= Fact

Mind-Reading is based on guesswork and conjecture.
We extrapolate from things we see or hear and try and build this into something we think we know.

"W will never recover and resents me for being the strong one"= Mind-Reading
"H isn't coming back, I know that woman is cheating with him"= Mind-Reading.

So I'm sticking with known facts.

Today, I worked on not just acting detached, but BEING DETACHED.

It feels different.

H didn't contact me all day, in the afternoon I texted him about when he wanted to schedule the farm vet to come out.

Very business-like.

I didn't go out and see him when he was here. But when he left, he CALLED ME(!) saying there was "too much to text about".

Not really. He just wanted to talk!

And, he left me two cold german pilsners on the porch, saying they "were for over the weekend" when he'll be here alone.

Well, it's MONDAY and he's not going to be here until Friday.

So-- they were FOR ME!

These are measurable actions.
I don't know what he's thinking, but based on his actions, I don't think it's that he hates me, wants to avoid me, or doesn't care about me any more.

That's all for tonight.



Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: GoatGal] #2459083
06/10/14 03:18 AM
06/10/14 03:18 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Maybell Offline
Member
Maybell  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Good thoughts. Here's one from me:

Detaching isn't not caring about him. It's caring about him without taking ownership for his baggage/issues/whatever.

What do you think?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: Maybell] #2459214
06/10/14 02:34 PM
06/10/14 02:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
L
labug Offline
Member
labug  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
i was going to write something but someone else has said beautifully.

From one of my favorite writers, David Richo:

“The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimizations rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.”


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: 22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries [Re: labug] #2459218
06/10/14 02:42 PM
06/10/14 02:42 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
L
labug Offline
Member
labug  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
Have you ever studied meditation or yoga.

Either/both might be very helpful for you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Page 9 of 12 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004