ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
What if during this time apart my WAW realizes that some of the issues had nothing really to do with me? Of course I absolutely own all of my mistakes, but all of us have our own issues to work through
and along those lines...
Sure it will be a good time for her to realize all the great times we have had together and how good we are together. So I see how creating a space for your WAS to miss you and be reflective would help.
For today I have a job interview (yes! need to get ready to rebuild and put some new money habits in place) and a house to put in order. With me being a 3/4SAD I have the lions share of work to do. Then its out for a GAL, taking my kids to the park and then ice cream and then a good time in prayer asking for peace and strength and wisdom to be loving, kind and respectful as we finally disclose to her parents tonight. Already have my best friend/my mentor and atrained family therapist to debrief after this is over. He has been a lifeline speaking at our marriage 13 years ago and still believes we can work it out "I've seen it dozens of times where what was over, wasnt over but renewed". he and this db community is huge. ok so on with my day
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
What if during this time apart my WAW realizes that some of the issues had nothing really to do with me? Of course I absolutely own all of my mistakes, but all of us have our own issues to work through
** She will at some point. You may never know if she does admit these. In my sitch, I have a "contact" that my W confided her faults in our M to. It doesn't change anything until your W, WANTS, to come back.
and along those lines...
Sure it will be a good time for her to realize all the great times we have had together and how good we are together. So I see how creating a space for your WAS to miss you and be reflective would help.
** This will not be overnight. I'd recommend focusing your energy on YOU right now. Let your W worry about being herself for now.
For today I have a job interview (yes! need to get ready to rebuild and put some new money habits in place) and a house to put in order. With me being a 3/4SAD I have the lions share of work to do. Then its out for a GAL, taking my kids to the park and then ice cream and then a good time in prayer asking for peace and strength and wisdom to be loving, kind and respectful as we finally disclose to her parents tonight. Already have my best friend/my mentor and a trained family therapist to debrief after this is over. He has been a lifeline speaking at our marriage 13 years ago and still believes we can work it out "I've seen it dozens of times where what was over, wasnt over but renewed". he and this db community is huge. ok so on with my day
**I'm in the same boat Ray, I'd love for my W to "wake up" and come back and work on this... Its not realistic. WAWs are on their own timeline, you can't and should not force anything. Just let them be, focus on being the attractive man she married. YOU will do fine, if she wants to come back its your choice to let her in.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Thanks Riley. You can never hear that enough at least I can't. Work on yourself you can't change how she feels. I come here to get slapp back into reality. You are right, I am "faking it till I become it" but I still feel like my smile is plastic....takes so much energy just to be upbeat around WAW and kids who are still clueless ...
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
So we told her parents about our separation tonight and as soon as WAW said "I believe our separation is going to be permanent " the wind blew out of my inLaws sails. I tried to add "This is not what I want" and then before I could help myself tried to get an assurance "who knows maybe in 3, 6 or 9months feelings will change. I don't want this separation to be permanent" cue eyes rolling
Then my FiL just started making plans on where the kids will sleep when my WAW moves in and how they will help look after them.....
man. I am sure they saw this coming with how I wasn't pulling my weight around with providing for my family so inconsistently.
Oh well, you're right Sandi they just backed up their daughter.
Mind ya I did great tonight. spoke only a few words here and then, bit my tongue for the most part and only slipped in a jab here and there .I wish i didnt but they were minor infractions during a super hard sad time so I am gonna go easy on myself.
I know this 180 and "do something different" is completely freaking her out because I am usually the chatterbox and tonight, on such a stressful night, I just let her initiate conversations draw answers out from me...just the one sentence ones.
She just left to her friends house for the night, wanted to debrief how everything went and I just put on my plastic smile and said "well like you said it is what it is( our disclosing talk)" She was super frustrated then and I didnt mean to push her buttons, I was just trying to be thoughtful and not freak out and be loud like I usually am. She left very grumpy and when she said she wasn't doing well I practiced my validation : "That was pretty hard on you. yeah me too"
ok so I am testing my blackout curtains to go midnight dark in the next couple weeks when I move out end of June. I love her so, but pulling back is changing alot of our dynamics and now our relationship is on a different script. scary but amusing and encouraging at the same time. Ok off to debrief with my counsellor friend now.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
More detaching this early early morning. Sleep? What's that? Finally took my WAW photo off my iPhone lock screen. Realized I don't need a picture to keeping reminding me of my strong feelings for her and the hurt that's there because of this breakdown. Now I just have to stop snooping on her Facebook page. Guess the ultimate 180 would be showing her I really am moving on by unfriending her.
Thoughts?
She did take her married status off a while ago. Gotta shake my head and start thinking about my "north stars " my kids and serving their interests above my own. ..getting out of this swirl of sadness. This really is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know that sounds so contradictory but I just hear my heart/spirit just say that so loud at times and I am grateful for this "gift" of insight. I get to work on stuff I have been running from for years: being immature, selfish , not being a consistent hard worker letting my wife take care of me and not caring about myself really. The honest truth is I wouldn't want either of my girls to marry anyone like the old me. And I am their first model of how a man should treat them. With God's help I will be the full man I was designed to be. And also to lay down a strong road and example to my S on how to live well and with character. So yeah it's going to be a bit easier to ramp up my GALing a bit more and be a lot more exhuberhant because there is still a lot to live for and if she catches wind of me.....she can follow me at a distance for this next while.
Last edited by rayzzz; 06/04/1412:31 PM.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
My WAW took her married status off Facebook too, I'd consider it normal WAW behavior. She even changed her name back... normal. You have to expect that they think right now you are the devil. And just let it be, when they cool off they will know the consequences of their actions.
Just remember; when it comes time to get your licks in after doing DB for 4 months to NOT expel your anger/resentment on your WAW.
Be you Ray, and the rest of your life will line up as it should.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Good point. Going out for ultimate frisbee tonight after work with a league i just joined a couple weeks ago. Then I have Qigong, kareoke, connecting with some old friends and kids and I have been exploring a new city park every day...especially when I need to get away and detach. I'm also picking off where my BA in creative writing left me years ago and re-working some stories/novels to one day publish....get my mind off obsessing sitch. So hard though and I just hate it when you tell people (everyone will ask how the talk went last night with inLawss) you are trying to save the marriage and they give that insincere pat on the back with a "good luck with a doomed cause" look...ah well learning to just keep my yap shut and come here.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
