Looking up at the mountain ahead

[Train]

Hey, guys! Yep. Still here. And still reading daily. Several times a day, in fact.

I apologize for not posting/responding more lately, even though I'm religiously reading your comments and breathing in your support.

I have requested information for Retrouvaille; haven't received it yet, but I'm waiting. I think the next session is in September, a few hours away in Raleigh.

Wonka, I read 5LL in 2005. H and I took the quiz way back then. I have recommended that book to countless couples over the years. But I think *I* need to read it again.

HS, the weather the past two days here has been terrible! Lol! It's as hot and humid as can be, and I'm being eaten alive by mosquitoes! This weekend is supposed to be a lot less humid, so I'm looking forward to it! H and I have spent the past few days setting up our 3.5' pool for the kids. I was shocked that he mentioned it. He hasn't wanted to put it up the past few years, even though he knew I wanted to in order to give the kids something to do during the summer besides beat the heat inside the house. He and I spent the day the other day leveling the ground by hauling wheelbarrows full of dirt to the pool-spot (I hauled six loads all by myself when he was at a job interview, and my arms sure have felt it since - lol!). And he's identified some tiny pin-hole leaks and worked to patch them. He's spending lots of time getting it perfect and keeps saying he'd rather hang at the house to help me than go to work. It's been so nice to have him back.

While things are chaotic around us, H and I are doing pretty well. We're being a team. And while I'm still hesitant to jump "all in," it feels mighty good to have my co-pilot back.

Now, we're battling the fall-out from my girls (the teenagers). As should be expected, they're thinking mostly of themselves and the pain that H has caused them. And it's causing rifts even between them and ME.

It's hard to explain; fact is, it would take a novella to explain. All I can say is I'm staying pretty freaking emotionally exhausted.

We found out the other day that our copay for counseling is $100 a session. And we're expected to be seen weekly. If we extend that to individual counseling, it's another $100 copay per person, per week. My D16, at least, needs it. That's another $100 per visit, per week. Impossible. It's so freaking disheartening. How can we get professional help if we can't afford it?

I'm trying to sit back and let H "clean up" the mess he made. But this is my family. I'm watching little bits of it falling apart every day. And then I cling onto hope as microscopic parts MIGHT be being put back together. I have little hope for my girls to ever have a relationship with H again. They are hurting so badly. And they are MAD. And D16 is even projecting that on ME now because I'm "choosing him." I know they want me to be happy. But they're not happy around him because of what he's done. D16 says it's "too awkward" to be here, so she stays away most times. It's straining my relationship with her.

Many times I feel so broken. So helpless. I can't fix what I didn't break. But I don't understand why my relationship with D16 seems to be breaking, too.

Tonight, she lashed out at ME when my mom and I told her that they wouldn't be moving out together, after all. In fact, my mom is going to stay here with us, likely until D16 graduates next June. That decision was made due in part to "divine intervention" and in part because H and I are going to need some help with the little kids the next year while we try to stay here until D16 graduates (which D16 at first said she WANTED us to do) and until we can get our relationship back on track. Mom helps TONS with the little kids while D16&17 stay busy with social lives and school. And, lonely after my dad died, Mom wants to be here, too, for the company. Kinda seemed like it would be a win-win for everyone ... until D16 lashed out tonight because she doesn't want to be around H anymore. She was looking forward to moving out. Which breaks my heart.

I'm having a hard time putting my relationship with H before my relationship with D16&17, considering THEY have been my rocks since I was 19 years old. They were "here" before HE was. And they're looking at me like I'm choosing him over them. D17 isn't as vocal about it because she still depends on me so much, emotionally. She's along for the ride. But D16 is having a very difficult time with the idea of H and I reconciling.

Everything changes so fast. And I'm TRYING to be patient with EVERYONE involved - especially my girls - as we all adjust to the seeming daily changes.

Honestly? I'm just so tired of being everyone's whipping post when I did nothing to cause this nightmare except to - what? - fail to give my H sexual pleasure when he wanted it?

Ugh! See? Still lashing out.

My apologies for my whining. Yes, Starsky, pass the cheese! Lolol!!!!

Thank y'all for thinking of me and checking in. Please don't think I'm not reading and holding on to all you have to say. I am. Adore you all so much.

Here's some good news: thanks to what happened - and my feeling to make sure I have some stable, reliable income to take care of my kids *in the event* this ever happens again - I am planning to take the LSAT in September or December of this year and start law school (my dream!) in 2016 ... or maybe even next year if I choose to do it part-time in evenings. It'd take me four years to graduate if I choose the part-time curriculum. But it's something I've ALWAYS wanted to do. And H is supporting me 100%. That makes me a happy girl.