I'm in, Wife's Out - Pt. Two

[trc2009]

I can't tell you how important it is to be under the same roof if you can help it. If you go back and read my sitch, a lot had to do with my wifes issues with me losing my temper. And I added an incredible amount of fuel on the fire in January which solidified her opinion because I became insecure (which is completely out of character for me) and suspicious. It boiled over and we separated. At that point my W already had a bit of a wall built but once we started living separately she built it a mile higher.

It has been incredibly difficult for her to take down that wall. She has slowly started to do so over the last few weeks but it's still there and probably will be for a while.

I've made pretty significant, noticeable changes in my life over the last few months. Some are still a work in progress and will be for a while. The best thing I was able to do was tell myself to chill out and actually do it. That allowed us to open up communications again and actually get along. Once we did that for several weeks, we had the conversation of us living under the same roof. Mainly because we both agreed we wouldn't really know if we could get those "feelings" back until we tried to live together.

Now, that's not to say things are great right now. We're still technically separated and I think part of her is still planning an exit strategy just in case things don't work out. For instance, she's DESPERATELY trying to find a job. Now, she does need to do that if we stay together or not because she needs a life outside of our family. Something else to stress about so to speak. She won't sleep in the bedroom for some reason. She'll only sleep on the couch. So I'm sleeping in the bedroom and she's on the couch. BUT...we're under the same roof. The first night was wierd and I didn't sleep well. Last night I slept about as well as I have in months.

I'm assuming it's normal for things to be a little strange at first. I'm trying to be positive 24/7. About everything. Literally trying to not let a negative comment come out of my mouth. She's been pretty negative so far which I'm guessing is normal. If I sink down to that it will spiral badly. I'm just trying to be patient, happy, and positive and hopefully she'll follow suit at some point. But it's easier to be patient, happy, and positive for me now because I feel like I have a home again. Not just a guy that has a home 30% of the time.

[Bunches]

Glad to hear things are on the right track for you. Been wondering how your sitch was progressing recently. Keep working at it and good luck!

[Upwards]

Glad to hear things are moving in a positive direction for you, I hope things continue to improve for you both keep it up!

[trc2009]

Thanks guys. Things are incredibly awkward right now because we're now living together and we're really only a couple days into it.

The physical aspect (the lack of) really bothers my W. It's something I really hope she addresses in IC but it's on her to do that work. She has said on multiple occassions that she's still attracted to me physically but the thought of PC makes her ill. A real confusing thing thing for sure. Most people who are physically attracted to a person don't find it hard to have sex with that person.

She's afraid that we'll end up having a sex-less marriage or even worse, a marriage with no physical contact at all. Like not even giving each other a kiss, hug, etc. Cause right now, all of that is gone.

She recoils if she walks in a room and I don't have a shirt on. Which is funny because I'm in the best shape of our marriage and without sounding too cocky, I'm looking pretty good right now!

Important personal acheivement. I can now benchpress as much as I could when I played football in college. After only three months of working out. If I do end up divorced, I don't think it will be hard to find someone who is attracted to me!

[ye21]

Important personal acheivement. I can now benchpress as much as I could when I played football in college. After only three months of working out. If I do end up divorced, I don't think it will be hard to find someone who is attracted to me!

Even if you are out of shape it would not be hard, but the main purpose in your life is it really that one? Or its more of finding the love for yourself no matter how you look?....

[trc2009]

It's more of a confidence thing for me. I used to be in great shape and I truly let myself go. I ballooned to 275 lbs a few years ago. My ideal weight is right around 200 and I'm at 215.

GAL has been important for me. It's hard because I have two young kids with my W so I can't live life like I'm a single bachelor that can up and do things at a moments notice.

Two things I did. #1 Started working out 3-4 times per week. For my own personal gain plus it's a huge stress relief. #2 Be a better father. I've always been a great father but I gave away ALL of my electronic devices besides my phone. But when I'm with my kids, my phone goes on the nightstand and stays there until someone calls or I need to make a call.

I've also done countless little things to GAL and fortunately summer is almost here so outdoor activities will increase exponentially.

So it all goes back to GAL and building my confidence back. Three months ago, my confidence was SHOT. And nobody is attracted to a person like that.

[ye21]

So it all goes back to GAL and building my confidence back. Three months ago, my confidence was SHOT. And nobody is attracted to a person like that.

Exactly thats the key

[trc2009]

Also, EA confirmed but denied. She's been "talking" to her friend about 3-4 times per week. Mainly texting. She claims they're just friends and that I have nothing to worry about. I don't have to worry about a PA because he is literally several states away. To quote her, "it's just nice to be able to talk to someone and feel relaxed and just joke around."

Mentioned this to my IC and she summed it up pretty well. She said chances are my W does see this as innocent because she is looking for ANYONE that will make her feel better. But she said rarely does it work both ways. Typically, just because one see's it as innocent, the other perceives this as flirting when it involves members of the opposite sex. Especially on the male side of things.

I asked her if that is classified as an EA. She said yes because my W would rather have playful, flirty conversations with another guy than me. IC asked me if that's enough for me to end my M. I said absolutely not because W has said that I shouldn't feel threatened about it. Plus, my pride comes after the ability to save my marriage and family. She said, then I shouldn't worry about it because there is nothing I can do about it.

Which completely consistent with what I've learned here. I honestly have had that conversation w/ wife one time in the last month and a half.

W doesn't see it as an EA, but it is. Nothing I can do about it so I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I'm living with her, he is not. She's married to me. He is not. We have kids together, they do not.

Just wanted to put that out there. Completely forgot to mention it in my update. But it's important. EA/PA's answer so many questions when being married to a WAS.

[Bunches]

So you feel like being in the same house has helped though?

I can't even picture that. As awkward as things tend to be once I'm around my W for a bit I can't see being there all those times during weekends and weeknights.

[trc2009]

It's too early to tell if it's helped Bunches. We've officially been under the same roof for a week and we haven't killed each other nor do I think we've taken steps backwards. So I guess that's at least not a bad sign.

Sure, there have been plenty of moments of tension, quite rooms, etc. I think we've both found that if we focus on the kids (while together), it relieves most of the tension. We both do a wonderful job of parenting. It's easily the strongest part of our marriage. So I guess for the time being we can just build from that.

Again, we're still technically seperated, seperate rooms, no touching at all (seriously, not even a touch on the shoulder). We have some joint family things coming up for Easter and I'm not certain we'll be doing those things together. More W's decision than mine but whatever. I'll pass on that because while it's important, it's not THAT important in the grand scheme of things.