I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Lost!, I've tossed that thought around many times lol! So true! I think, if you were looking at a list of potential partners, who picks the one who is willing to not only have an affair with a married person, but also a person who continues the affair breaking up a household?? Seems like a winner? lol my sarcasm.

When you are in a more rational mind ask your w what sort of person dates or has an affair with someone they know is married. One thing is clear; they are comfortable with lying and adultery. That includes emotional affairs as well

Ask her if she has thought about what OM will be like when she aren’t only seeing his good side. It’s easy to impress someone when you only see him or her secretly, and don’t have to clean up after them or live with them.

I have thought also having an affair is forbidden, exciting, what happens when it is no longer an affair. When the Spouse is available, will he loose interest, will she? This is the same as your last sentence, but just the way I have thought about it. My W is high maintenance, always has been. Before we moved in to together, I did not see this, because we were dating, but, once she moved in, and we became serious, I saw it. I mean who knows, I was good with it, but OM may be too.

One very difficult thing for me right now is there are two parts to it. The affair, and her saying she wants a D. So even if the A ended, I know it does not mean we are back together. But what's been getting me, is the more time apart we have. The more I wonder, when I look at her, who is this person. I thought I knew her, I mean we have been together a long time. I feel like there are times when I am like looking at a stranger. That all feels so weird.

I know I need to keep my focus on me, but I think it sometimes helps for me to vent these thoughts. So they done consume me other times. I can leave it here, and go on with my day. I am sure it is because she is in it, it is harder to see how messed up that is, but all I can help is me.

....Right now is time for you to work on you brother. I go through the ups and down of my wife affair daily. But I'm doing better now. I still cry but am at peace knowing I can't do anything to change the situation. Be patient.

I am trying, its a hard mindset to stay in. Hard to stay in the right now. My minds wants to go to places like how much longer? How long can I last? How's it going to play out? You know what I mean, all those things. I'm just tired, feel worn down. Like negative is being piled on top of negative, with minimal positive mixed in. I am not done though, ill keep on! Thank you for your words! I feel like coming here, gives me a push to keep going.

[zew]

When you are in a more rational mind ask your w what sort of person dates or has an affair with someone they know is married. One thing is clear; they are comfortable with lying and adultery. That includes emotional affairs as well

Ask her if she has thought about what OM will be like when she aren’t only seeing his good side. It’s easy to impress someone when you only see him or her secretly, and don’t have to clean up after them or live with them.

I would strongly advise against having this conversation. She has an answer, and it goes like "YOU forced me to because I'm so miserable with you." Again, you are imposing your morals on her, and questioning her judgment, and you don't want any part of that right now. She will dig in.
I know, because I gave the "Infidelity is NEVER acceptable" speech, and seconds later I realized I was arguing with someone using the logic of a 13 year old teenager, desperately trying to extricate myself from the conversation.
Most A's come to a conclusion of their own after some months, and your W will eventually inevitably face that question on her own. You don't need to be the one to ask it.

[Lost!]

Do not let her behavior destroy your inner peace brother.
Forgive her and worry less not because she deserve forgiveness. But because you deserve Peace.
Never give up! Because the moment you're ready to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle is about to happen. Don't give up!

[Lost!]

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination. I know you're confused now but be hopeful.
You can change any situation by changing your attitude toward it. Happiness comes from holiness. You can't truly be happy unless you're hungry for Jesus Christ and willing to completely work on you. Focus more on you and watch her go into self destruction. Trust me, she'll be back, maybe for closure or wanting you back. No one knows when but work on you to be in a better place when that day comes.

[Lost!]

Zew is absolutely right. Pls save that for later. Telling her that now might irritate her and even get her closer to OM. Continue to work on you and try to ignore the affair. OM is the symptom and the cure is left for you to work on you. We all play some kind of role in this bad behavior. Think deep and fix whatever need to be fix when it comes to you. Your attention now should be you and not the affair.

[D2ndday]

Thank you Zew and Lost! Somehow I missed this post Zew,

Yup, have to agree with TA here. The WAW wishes you were out of the house and out of her life, so why would she say anything? My W stays up in our room most of the time when I'm home. She is usually asleep by the time I go to our bed. And I'm up first in the morning, working out then making the kids' beds. I don't initiate morning conversation anymore, because that almost always got shot down, but I've noticed that now that I'm just silent, she'll usually start by telling me what her day plans are. I acknowledge, politely, but don't dig for any detail. Seems counter-intuitive, since if I were doing a 180, I would be engaging in more conversation, but that's not the way it works with WAW.
Yes, have to say that living with a WAW adds a whole dimension to DBing, but you're limited to pretty much the same toolbox. Detach. Let her do her thing without trying to make any sense of it, because you just can't. Work on not letting her jerk your chain. And know that there are many of us in the same boat.

In the moment, it is hard but I am here today. The world did not end. LOL! I am trying to do that. This post is so how its been. I am trying to not make sense of it. I had this whole post I was going to make about the note she left this AM, trying to make sense of it. But there was nothing really there, and right now it is best not to spend any time thinking about the note. It really was nothing new in there. I don't want to spend any time over analyzing what she was saying or might have meant in it.

As far as having a conversation to point out the error in her ways. I will not be doing that anytime soon. It is clear to me she is not only not using common sense, but also that she cant see it, and does not want to.

I realized I was arguing with someone using the logic of a 13 year old teenager

Exactly how it feels!! To a T. She is just so close minded right now. It was frustrating back in Dec, when she said she was unhappy, because I started to see how skewed her emotional logic was. She was unhappy but unwilling to accept or want help. I don't mean from me, I just mean in general from anyone. Answers to questions, and things she would say, I would feel like, why aren't you getting help? I mean she had already told me I couldn't, of course, and I get that. She said early on she thought she would see an IC, but never did. When Bomb dropped, the reason and feeling she said she had, made no sense. I am not just saying that because I disagree with her, or that she was wrong or lying. I am just saying her expression of them, was someone who does not know how to express feelings. I mean real feelings, not basic ones like happy, sad, etc. This would be a hurdle that if there was to be a future, would need to be addressed. Not there now, but someday if it comes.

Lost, your words have helped, and they did get my mind to slow down. Early in, I started getting intense anxiety. Well, this was not an issue in the past. It is just when tension is high, I feel pressure to react. In this place that I am, not reacting raises my anxiety because I cant react. Like I cant plan long term, I can work on me now, but I cant react the way I want to. This would have been like my earlier posts, wanting to tell her to leave, filling D. Things like that. Because that is who I have been. A leader and wanting to make things happen. So not reacting, when things happen, I start getting anxious. I feel it in my chest, it just tightens up and heart starts going, like I have to do something now. I have started doing things like working out which helps with that. But long story short, your words, and the words of others here, help give me pause and slow down. I re-read them when I need to.

2 days off, W wont be back till Friday. Have the house to myself. Time to get up and get some stuff done. I have some projects for myself lined up and I so that's what I am going to do. Leave the rest for later, I don't have to deal with the feelings and the M, A, any of it right this moment, what I can do, is my projects. That's what's next.

[zew]

I don't know how much I'd sweat the fact that she's not seeing an IC. You probably won't get to choose the IC, and the IC may not be pro-marriage. My W is seeing a therapist, and she's just turned out to be another enabler. Last week my W told me they were spending time analyzing my parent's relationship.
Really? My parents live far away -- at twice a year visits, my W barely knows them, and she first met them 17 years after I had left their house. What does she know of my childhood experience with my parents except that I thought it was pretty good. And the therapist has never met me or my parents. What kind of therapist is that?

And I am with you when you say it is hard to learn not to react, because you have little control. You can't plan. It's not in your nature to watch. Well, maybe it will help to keep realizing that you have control over your half. Plan that. And maybe realize too that that total lack of control may be the feeling that your WAW had that drove her to this point. And start figuring out how you contributed to that, and how you might address that in yourself. Wrap your head around that challenge, because you will benefit more from that than worrying about A, etc. At least that is what my logical self keeps telling me to do. (and I'm becoming a better listener)

[D2ndday]

Yeah, I mean that was then, I gave that up.

The past 2 days have been pretty good. I actually had 2 full days where I really didn't even stress about what is going on. I didn't actually think about it. I was happy, which I have not felt in a long time. I was busy and was having a good time. I looked at this at the end of the days, and was like, "well that was weird". I don't know. I just was busy both days doing things for me. Spending time with my dogs, cooking, running errands. I cant account for a lot of the time. It just kind of flew by. But it felt good! Now she has been out of the house the last 2 days, and comes home tonight. I am focusing on keeping that little momentum going.

I just haven't felt this way in a long time. It felt good. A relief off my shoulders for a bit. My focus has been on staying on the moment for me. What do I need, what do I want, How does this feel? I have a lot on my plate for me, so keeping that in place, has helped. I am trying to not think about the what ifs, instead on the what next. Now it just needs to warm up outside.

[Lost!]

How're you man? Just checking on you.

[D2ndday]

Hey Lost!, thank you for checking in. I am ok, I am just taking things as they come. Not planning, not overthinking, not snooping. The past few days she has been out of the house have been, ok. I mean I actually did pretty well with her not here. I did not spend any real time thinking about it. Stayed focused on me, and what I was going to do. Got a lot done.

She came home last night and stayed here. Was here this morning. and will be here for the weekend. I made a point when I cam home last night that I was just going to go about the routine I do when she is not here. Not lingering, not waiting for her to say something. She was polite, and asked how work went, how my back was(post tattoo). I kept my answers short. Stayed focused on what I was doing. Made eye contact when talking, but didn't let it change what I was doing. I am polite as well. But I keep my answers short, I am listening when she is talking. I am not talking about my GAL, I am just doing it. I am upbeat, and motivated. I made dinner, sat down and ate it while she talked. Same thing this morning. Normally I would have a smoke with her before she left for work, but instead just went up to take my shower. Did not wait for a goodbye, or waive when she left.

Trying to not think about how weird this feels. Its hard to look at her for extended periods, since I avoid it. It just makes me miss her. Feelings come up. So, I keep to the task at hand. I am still here, reading. I have a new routine. It has been working for me. I have gotten really focused on improving my health, strength building. I also have been working hard, which is already really helping my career. I feel, ok. Which is nice. That's a big change for me. I don't know what will happen. But that's ok. Which is another big change from my need to plan, and control. Staying in the moment. Not letting myself worry about what could be coming or might happen.

My GAL routine is helping. Detaching. I am still polite but I think I am getting the difference between being a friend and being friendly. I stopped leaving notes in reply to hers. I don't know, I just am focused on me, and trying not to think about her, where we are, what's going to happen, is there a future, any of that. Right now, it is just about, get healthy, work, spending time with the pets, and trying to be happy with me, right now.

Now I say all this, I have had a few days without her here, she is here this weekend. hopefully I will be able to stay focused.