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A Message from Michele
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Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2431433
02/16/14 10:58 PM
02/16/14 10:58 PM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline
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KGirl  Offline
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K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
TA how are you doing? Wanted to check in on a fellow "live-in" smile Your last post sounded like you were thinking of taking some sort of action....?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: KGirl] #2432040
02/19/14 03:33 PM
02/19/14 03:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
T
TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
Hi KGirl

I decided that for my own sanity, I should just let it go! If he wants to leave, get a divorce, then let him go ahead.. If he wants to be with her, go ahead! I act as if I am living alone and facing the situation alone. I make my own dinner, do my own laundry, buy my own groceries, go out with my friends and keep busy. I “try” not to focus on his actions, his behavior, cause he is NOT my H! I put boundaries in place a while back, and he did not respect any of them..I told him where I stand, he does not want to be with me, so I need to accept that..so I put MY plan in motion and I am going to leave and start new, alone.. I called the realtor, I packed most of my stuff (stashing it at my parents for now), and the house will be up for sale before the end of the week. Next step is seeing a lawyer but finding one is more challenging than I thought.. I told my parents, my friends, a coworker..it helps knowing I have support..

Don’t get me wrong, it is very hard, and I have bad days and good days …but I have put Sandy’s rules in motion (at least most of the time..I did have a breakdown, crying like a child, packing my wedding pictures in front of him) but I need to do this to heal from the lies, infidelity, and start afresh..if my marriage was meant to be, then he will have to win me back..

I know what he says are lies, lies, lies but they hurt nevertheless…a week ago, he just spurted “ I don’t mean to hurt you but you know that I WILL end up with HER”, “our relationship was DEAD a long time ago, you just failed to notice”, “we are toxic to each other”...I simply acknowledge and walk away. Funny thing is, the more I pull back, the more he comes full force…there was once or twice I noticed he’d been crying; he even mentioned once that “he needs to get over the guilt” but has made no other attempt to “talk”; actually, he just turns to HER..therefore, I need to go on, live my life, try hard to just move forward..and the only way I can do that is by letting him go...


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2432304
02/20/14 03:48 PM
02/20/14 03:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
T
TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
Just wanted to clarify that he was the one who first contacted the real estate agent, I just followed through.

On Tuesday night, he was not home when I got in, so I expected he would not be coming home. It has been over a week since he slept over the OW's place (her husband must be home...), so I naturally made dinner for one and sat back to watch TV. He came home around 8 pm, telling me he was in school re-taking an exam he failed. I said, "Oh, I must have misunderstood, I thought the exam was at 1:00 pm. He asked, "what's for dinner?” I replied, "I made some perogies and salad for myself, I didn't know you'd be home tonight."...he made a sandwich and stomped downstairs.

The next day, the realtor came by and placed the sign on the front lawn. As we do not talk unless we are home together, I was taken aback but kept it together. I noticed “someone else” was over my house today as there was a bottle of soft drink and little Debbie cakes (??), which my H does not usually eat. I have asked him not to bring the OW over but I cannot control what he does when I am not home, so I brushed it away... (Very proud of me, no breakdown!)

H was at work that night. He called around 7 pm to say, "I guess you noticed the agent came by. He asked about taxes, and I did not know where to get this info, so can you email him back? (H is not involved in finances at all!). I said "Sure". He added, "I will be home tonight, it would be nice if I had some dinner.” I said, "Yes, sorry I misunderstood, dinner is already made for you".

He came home at 10 pm from work (on time), and said:"Hi!” thanks for dinner" as he grabbed his plate and walked away. I replied, “welcome...goodnight", and went to bed.

I do not think I did anything wrong although he still seems upset at me. On the other hand, I should not overanalyze his behavior but living with him until I get to leave, is torture...

My concern is his family still contacts me whether by phone or text. I was close with his sister and she checks in on me every other day to see “how I’m dealing” or “if I need to talk”. Before, all this, as she was also separated, I found comfort in talking to her because she understood... Her mother was also ‘abandoned’ by her former H who left her for the OW. Therefore, she has actually lived through it! I do not talk to the mom anymore but remain pleasant when she calls the house cause I think she is having a real hard time with all this, brings back memories she says (Like father like son, I say..lol). My question is: Do I tell them to stop calling me because I need space or time to heal? I know Sandy says not to contact his family but they are the ones calling me. WHAT DO I DO?


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2432379
02/20/14 07:45 PM
02/20/14 07:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
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D2ndday Offline
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D2ndday  Offline
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Maine
TipAnna, after reading your situation, I agree we are in similar situations. There are some parts here though that catch me. I am relatively new here as well so I am just wondering I guess. Why is it your job to make him food? I ask because I cant get my WAW to eat, lol. What I mean is I have offered in the past few weeks, and she turns it down. I was the cook in our house. She does not like to. I know more recently when I buy groceries, I buy what I like. I no longer buy her foods. That is up to her. If she wants to eat poorly, that's not my responsibility. I saw what I was doing as pursuing her. I was still "caretaking." Whats' for dinner? A big dose of reality for him. What I have been doing is making these great meals for myself. When she gets home, she just eats cereal. That's her choice. My cooking, is part of the package. If he wants out, than he needs to understand what that will mean. Now anyone correct me if this is wrong, this is just my OP.

Quote:
I said "Sure". He added, "I will be home tonight, it would be nice if I had some dinner.” I said, "Yes, sorry I misunderstood, dinner is already made for you".


I just want to also say it, because when it has been said to me it feels good. You are not alone. I am struggling with living with my W, who goes out overnight with OM. It is one of the hardest periods of my life. Part because you are there, in the house. I have our wedding pics all over, starring at me. I am not packing, but I have been simplifying my possessions. Doing some "spring cleaning" I guess. My other motive with it is that it will be easier for me to move. I also sit in Limbo as far as M goes. Waiting for her to decide our future. I can only work on me. Also when I feel that way, like I cant handle her being here, that's one of my times to go do something somewhere else. Even another room. It has given some space from where the comments were made, and from them. Even if I just go to the bedroom and read.


Quote:
I do not think I did anything wrong although he still seems upset at me. On the other hand, I should not overanalyze his behavior but living with him until I get to leave, is torture...


The last part of what you said about his family. that also seems odd to me. I mean, my Step family, dropped me so fast. I was shocked. All the years of them saying how much they loved me, how I was such a big part of the family. Just stopped cold. Just before the bomb dropped, I had confided in her mother that I was worried about her. She was not very worried. Although pretty positive her family does not know about the A. But that was it no talking afterward. I have thought about calling the mom, but have decided there would be no benefit. I had initially though because I think that's what families do. If one person is hurting, they should pull together to help that person. However, I see now that was more of an act for them. So, I find it interesting that they do want to make contact with you. you could interpret that a number of ways. I understand they have 1st hand exp, but it still seems odd.

In my OP, it could be a good thing. Does he also talk to them? Or in the past was he communicating with them often? I know what your plans are and what your doing should not be talked about with them as it would be similar to you telling H what your doing. But when they call what do you tell them when they ask how your doing, etc? I might suggest if you have not already, positive things you are doing. I don't think it would be good to severe that line of communication, at least not right now. I think because the future is uncertain, and the benefits, or repercussions of that change are pretty uncertain.

Quote:
My concern is his family still contacts me whether by phone or text. I was close with his sister and she checks in on me every other day to see “how I’m dealing” or “if I need to talk”. Before, all this, as she was also separated, I found comfort in talking to her because she understood... Her mother was also ‘abandoned’ by her former H who left her for the OW. Therefore, she has actually lived through it! I do not talk to the mom anymore but remain pleasant when she calls the house cause I think she is having a real hard time with all this, brings back memories she says (Like father like son, I say..lol). My question is: Do I tell them to stop calling me because I need space or time to heal? I know Sandy says not to contact his family but they are the ones calling me. WHAT DO I DO?


I just want to add that I am sorry. As you said on my thread, Keep strong! I feel like the only control we have is over ourselves and what we do. Those times that are harder than the rest, your still here. Someone told me to think about how I felt when the bomb dropped. I'll tell you, I felt hopeless, but we are still here. We all made it through a bomb drop here. I mean that is part of why I keep coming back here. Everywhere else I have looked, ppl have opinions, but don't know first hand. This has been the one place, they do know. you, me, others here, know exactly how this feels, and for most, it is fresh in our minds. Just keep getting yourself back to right now, this moment. No planning, just what is next right this moment. I know I am new, and a bit wordy, lol, but I share your feelings and it hits home.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



Re: Can I still save this? [Re: D2ndday] #2432416
02/20/14 09:48 PM
02/20/14 09:48 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 104
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LFC1170 Offline
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LFC1170  Offline
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Posts: 104
TipAnna, I sympathize about your situation. It sounds like your H, despite comments to the contrary, is intentionally trying to hurt you and make you feel pain. The fact that he keeps coming at you when u attempt to walk away can attest to this. If he really was not out to hurt you he would say his impulsive comments and then when u walk away leave it at that. UNLESS in some bizarre way he's looking to communicate with you and just don't know how to do it, because it seems like in the beginning he was being like a child using the affair and depression to get your attention. I am clinically (diagnosed) depressed and I don't act out like that. When you didn't notice his "woe with me" the way he anticipated he turns that into rejection and projects that as hate to you. Regardless I think you are handling this with class.

One thing more, if it IS hate, can you think of any reason or any event in your past that made him feel this way? Did the lack of affection or emotion, admittedly shown by you, in the past affect your sex life?


Me 43 W 43
S 10 (Special Needs)
M: 14 yrs
T: 18 yrs
Bomb: 09/16/12
Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: LFC1170] #2432418
02/20/14 09:50 PM
02/20/14 09:50 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 104
L
LFC1170 Offline
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LFC1170  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 104
Hate is a strong word. Bitterness is better.


Me 43 W 43
S 10 (Special Needs)
M: 14 yrs
T: 18 yrs
Bomb: 09/16/12
Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: D2ndday] #2432543
02/21/14 01:55 PM
02/21/14 01:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
T
TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
Originally Posted By: D2ndday
Why is it your job to make him food? I ask because I cant get my WAW to eat, lol. What I mean is I have offered in the past few weeks, and she turns it down. I was the cook in our house. She does not like to. I know more recently when I buy groceries, I buy what I like. [….] I was still "caretaking." ...


I agree that it is not my job to make him food. I make MY dinner and if there are leftovers (after packing my lunch), he can have them. This is my way of detaching but not coming off as cold. I do not go out of my way to do his groceries or cook his favorite meals; I just simply do things that I would do for myself normally, like cook dinner (yes, I am the cook). Seeing that he has mentioned that I was not affectionate enough, I figured that I am comfortable letting him have my leftovers (if there are any) rather than acting as if he is not there...

Quote:
I said "Sure". He added, "I will be home tonight, it would be nice if I had some dinner.” I said, "Yes, sorry I misunderstood, dinner is already made for you".


In the situation above, if there were no leftovers, then he’s have a PB sandwich like most nights of the week...make sense?

Originally Posted By: D2ndday
You are not alone. I am struggling with living with my W, who goes out overnight with OM. It is one of the hardest periods of my life. Part because you are there, in the house. I have our wedding pics all over, starring at me. […] I also sit in Limbo as far as M goes. Waiting for her to decide our future. ".


Thank you! It does feel nice to know that I am not the only one out there. As for living in limbo, that is not my situation anymore. At least, I do not tell myself that. He made his choice and has not attempted to reconcile; he tells me that regardless of the OW, our marriage is over. Therefore, I take it as he wants out, so I am doing things for myself to accept his decision and be better be prepared for that day where he does leave...

Quote:
Although pretty positive her family does not know about the A. […]. So, I find it interesting that they do want to make contact with you. you could interpret that a number of ways. […] In my OP, it could be a good thing. Does he also talk to them? Or in the past was he communicating with them often? I know what your plans are and what your doing should not be talked about with them as it would be similar to you telling H what your doing. But when they call what do you tell them when they ask how your doing, etc? I might suggest if you have not already, positive things you are doing. I don't think it would be good to severe that line of communication, at least not right now. I think because the future is uncertain, and the benefits or repercussions of that change are pretty uncertain.



The family knows about the affair. He called and told them the day he dropped the bomb on me. They did not take it well at the time and it was only last week that he spoke to them again (a month later). Truth is he only became closer to his family a few years after we met. He only made more frequent contact and actual visits to his mom and sister when I came into the picture. His father only came back into his life a few years ago, after a 20-year absence. I agree that I should not be spilling my guts out to his family but they call, daily, to ask how I’m doing or feeling, to tell me "I know this is hard”...i hjust don’t know how to go about telling them that I am not comfortable sharing these things with them seeing that they are HIS family..


I just want to add that I am sorry. As you said on my thread, Keep strong! I feel like the only control we have is over ourselves and what we do. Those times that are harder than the rest, your still here. Someone told me to think about how I felt when the bomb dropped. I'll tell you, I felt hopeless, but we are still here. We all made it through a bomb drop here. I mean that is part of why I keep coming back here. Everywhere else I have looked, ppl have opinions, but don't know first hand. This has been the one place, they do know. you, me, others here, know exactly how this feels, and for most, it is fresh in our minds. Just keep getting yourself back to right now, this moment. No planning, just what is next right this moment. I know I am new, and a bit wordy, lol, but I share your feelings and it hits home. [/quote]

I appreciate it! I always was the strong one, the go-getter, the planner, so this “tsunami” that hit me is not as easy to manage as I thought. I try so hard to make it seem that it’s all good and ok, that I’ll be better off but truth is I am detaching and now I’m at the phase where I miss him..like he was already gone...make sense?


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: LFC1170] #2432563
02/21/14 02:54 PM
02/21/14 02:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
T
TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
Originally Posted By: LFC1170
[…] UNLESS in some bizarre way he's looking to communicate with you and just don't know how to do it, because it seems like in the beginning he was being like a child using the affair and depression to get your attention. I am clinically (diagnosed) depressed and I don't act out like that. When you didn't notice his "woe with me" the way he anticipated he turns that into rejection and projects that as hate to you. Regardless I think you are handling this with class.


At the beginning, I do belive he would do this to get a reaction out of me. Maybe I was playing the “as if” role a little too well. That’s when I realized, after reading through the threads, that maybe I’m beeingbtoo cold rather than just “lovomngly” detaching. So I found a balance. Things are better at the house since then; he does not seem as angry anymore.

Originally Posted By: LFC1170
One thing more, if it IS hate, can you think of any reason or any event in your past that made him feel this way? Did the lack of affection or emotion, admittedly shown by you, in the past affect your sex life?


He has been angry all his life really. His family history explains a lot of this anger, at least his doctor seems to think so. Broken family, abandonment issues , lack of father in his life, More recently, he’s lost his job. So yes, his anger has been there forever but I was always the one who could calm him down...now I am the one “getting it”. Our sex life did “collapse” quickly seeing that we struggled with infertility for almost two years. There where issues there, and I admit, that communication lacked which in turn affected our marriage. I know that my controlling nature and lack of “appreciation/emotion” did contribute to the breakdown of my M. These are my 180s. Vocalize or show my appreciation more; I say “thank you” and “I appreciate” a lot more to him now. He even mentioned it a few weeks ago, that “we are communicating better now”. . I am also working hard on my control issues, and learning to let things go...mediation has helped tremendously! People tell me how more relaxed I seem.

So in all, I am doing things to better myself and in turn, maybe better my relationships with others...


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2432572
02/21/14 03:04 PM
02/21/14 03:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
T
TipAnna Offline OP
Member
TipAnna  Offline OP
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
Yesterday, we had two visits to see the house. The second visit seemed very positive, at least, that is what H said as he stayed behind with the realtor while I took the dog at my parents for a visit. When I got home, we walked the dog together. He spoke about his plans to leave the province once the house sells, that he wants to save money before doing so, etc...No talk of the OW though. He said that selling our house was “bitter sweet” because we had good memories there (very unexpected seeing that a week ago he was going at me...). Then he stopped and said “I’m sorry, I so sorry this happened”. I was taken aback! I said “I know”. That is it...I did not know what else to say. I did not want to start questioning him on why, the OW, us...I held back. It was hard!! Then again, I don’t know if this means anything at all... maybe, it was just talk...should I have reacted differently?? Said something else? I will not obsess about it. If he wants to open up gain, he will...i will just let it go...

When we got in, he asked “so, how is this going to work? How are we splitting our debts assets?” I said, "we’ll figure it out, we would need to see someone I guess.” He replied, “Yeah, ok”. Went downstairs, grabbed his cell phone, and said “I’m tired, going to bed”. I said, “Ok”. That was my evening...

There is that rollercoaster. Am I missing something or should I just stop “over thinking it”?


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2432616
02/21/14 05:04 PM
02/21/14 05:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
D
D2ndday Offline
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D2ndday  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 58
Maine
TipAnna, its like you say these things here, and I am like, "yup, that's what this feels like" When you talk about the rollercoaster, and I always am getting caught on what to say in response to things the W says. Things that seem friendly or possibly caring about how I feel. I know that's hard.

Quote:
..it as he wants out, so I am doing things for myself to accept his decision and be better be prepared for that day where he does leave...


I struggle with this myself. I am a planner as well. I have already been blindsided, and tell myself, not again. I need to be prepared. I guess something I am taking from this place is not to seal the deal. I mean, not closing all the doors yet. I plan, and am maneuvering my finances. I have looked at what I can do after. I don't do that when she is here, I make a point to be present at that time. Applying what I am learning here. But when she is gone, I think, I plan. Probably for the similar reasons, so we know what options we have. So with all the hurt they have caused, we can minimize the final blowout should it come. What I hear in this place is just not to pull all our chips in that pot yet.

Quote:
The family knows about the affair. He called and told them the day he dropped the bomb on me. They did not take it well at the time and it was only last week that he spoke to them again (a month later). Truth is he only became closer to his family a few years after we met. He only made more frequent contact and actual visits to his mom and sister when I came into the picture. His father only came back into his life a few years ago, after a 20-year absence. I agree that I should not be spilling my guts out to his family but they call, daily, to ask how I’m doing or feeling, to tell me "I know this is hard”...i hjust don’t know how to go about telling them that I am not comfortable sharing these things with them seeing that they are HIS family..


I would think, I may be wrong. But if you really want them to stop calling, couldn't you just be very busy? "cant talk right now, I am on the way out." or something like that. politely excusing yourself, and maybe in the process delivering a message that could get back to him, she is not waiting for you. I may be off base, but just a thought I had reading this.

Quote:
I appreciate it! I always was the strong one, the go-getter, the planner, so this “tsunami” that hit me is not as easy to manage as I thought. I try so hard to make it seem that it’s all good and ok, that I’ll be better off but truth is I am detaching and now I’m at the phase where I miss him..like he was already gone...make sense?


You are the strong one! I think everyone here is showing great strength. I mean I imagine some people just give up. I mean I think everyone going through things like this here, well, we are here today. We made it through yesterday, and the day before. Its not much easier. It is so difficult, and I know I have questioned whether I can keep this up. But the next day comes and I have. Give yourself more credit, you are still here. I don't mean here on the site, I mean still standing. Try not to dwell on the thoughts of missing him. In my OP, it is ok to sit in it for a brief period, feel the sadness, and acknowledge it. Really feel it. But then have something lined up that you enjoy and will distract you. I do this to control the dose if you will. I try and make time, to feel sometimes, because after, when I am done, and I am off doing something fun, those overwhelming feeling are easier held at bay.

I think of when the bomb dropped, it was all at once. It was so painful and shocking. I think by doing this now, it will make it easier should the day come. I remind myself it aint over till its over.

We are the strong ones, we held true. We are the ones who DO have power. I don't usually quote movies, but I just saw "After earth" the will smith movie. It was not great BTW. But, there is this whole thing about fear.

The point of it is that fear is a made up emotion in our minds.

All the what if's, all the possible outcomes, the fear, anxiety, that all comes from our minds. Now it is in response to what's happening around us. Danger is real, pain is real. But the feelings, reactions, concerns, doubts, questions, all the feelings, they all come from our minds. The one person we can control.

Easier said than done I know. But I thought it was interesting. I mean we feel fear, we feel sadness. But we make that in our minds. So there must be a way to control that. Maybe not stop it completely, but I have been paying attention to it. Why I am said right this moment? What is that doing for me? Sometimes I need it, other times, I unintentionally let it consume me. I took from this, that if I I keep aware of that thought, I am more in control of it. So those waves of sadness that seem to just hit us, maybe we cant stop them, but maybe we can redirect them.

IDK, just my morning thoughts. Keep true to yourself! You are already strong! WE, can get through this, a step at a time. That's all that can be done. Nobody could expect more.


Me:36
Her:35
together 11yrs
M 7 1/2yrs
lived together 10yrs
2dogs 2cats
Mortgage on a house

bomb dropped 01/12/14
Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights
I want to stay married



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