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A Message from Michele
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Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: PatientMan] #2422866
01/13/14 08:32 PM
01/13/14 08:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 565
Northeast US
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Positivespin Offline OP
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I chose pushups because they seemed to have the greatest all around benefit in the least period of time with no equipment. As im forced to do 2 sets at work in work clothes I charged full steam ahead with this.

at this time I cant go to a gym and as Ill be relocating soon I cant buy equipment. I have much success when D4 can be part of it (ie riding the bike or having her count pushups situps etc). If you can get creative around that criteria that would be awesome.


ME 38 W 37
T18 M5
D3
BD 1/7/13
PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing
2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13
W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13
First mediation appt 12/19/13


Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: Positivespin] #2422871
01/13/14 08:47 PM
01/13/14 08:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
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PatientMan Offline
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What are all the exercises you are doing? I can be creative.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: PatientMan] #2425085
01/22/14 09:12 PM
01/22/14 09:12 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 565
Northeast US
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Positivespin Offline OP
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Positivespin  Offline OP
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First off- I am embarrassed by the way I tried to rationalize why a wonderful person would not want to begin a relationship with me. Upon much reflection I realized I was far to desperate to get her to like me and I was overly needy. Totally unattractive. So, to the incredible person I wrote about, who will never read this, im sorry.

Second off- I had my second (and final) mediation meeting. Guess what.....No divorce papers! I have been very clear since month 4, I will not take out the papers but if they are given to me I will sign as I will not beg to be taken back. In the meeting she said she hasnt taken them out because "she feels like a failure" but that "I think I have to because its been so long". The mediators mind was blown and she immediately asked my X to leave the room.

The mediator asked if I thought that we could reunite and I again told her (as Ive stated all along) that I could still see a path where we could be together again but it would take alot of therapy, alot of rebuilding of trust and starting at the absolute beginning...perhaps just mtg for coffee for 20 minutes.

It gets better..........

The mediator then meets with her and I leave the room. It lasts about 10 minutes then Im asked to rejoin. The mediator then tells us that she knows several pro- marriage therapists that she could direct us too and that we should not be throwing away a 18 year relationship because of "standards that may be overly critical".
My X is now staring at me to make a move, a gesture - I dont. SHE NEEDS TO BE THE ONE TO COME BACK.

Mediation continues and we are at the screws and bolts (process) part of my custody of D4. I state that it must be made clear. If either of us moves more then a 30 minute driving distance of the other I have 100% custody. She agrees - but then adds " MAYBE ILL JUST GO WITH YOU" ?????? WTF

Either way, the final papers are being drawn up and I have gone dark again. Im giving it 60 days for her to take the next step. If she does not,I will not allow myself to be any more a door mat then Ive been, the mediation papers will be done and I will move out of the house (leaving her with both the lease and the mortgage). At that time the job search begins and life Part2 for d4 and I begins.........

Reality may have caused the fog to lift a bit but I dont trust a damn thing she does or says. Its amazing,we have switched roles. I am now the super responsible one and she has become the dreamer/slacker.

What a year!


ME 38 W 37
T18 M5
D3
BD 1/7/13
PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing
2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13
W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13
First mediation appt 12/19/13


Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: Positivespin] #2425109
01/22/14 10:20 PM
01/22/14 10:20 PM
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
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RealityTrip Offline
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Whoaaaa.... whoaaaa... and whoaaaa! OK. I need a minute to process myself! Coming back later. I don't know... my first reaction was not yours, so I need to put me in a "Spin" frame of experience.

Luv ya bub! Superman!


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: RealityTrip] #2425171
01/23/14 05:11 AM
01/23/14 05:11 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 230
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OneDay Offline
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Whoaaa is right. I thought we were talking push ups The u bust out the second mediation. I'm going to check back on u tomorrow about that

In the mean time do a search for "power tower" it's a calisthenics workout station for Arnd 100. You could get ur full body workout in during daddy duty.


Me: 39 W: 33
M: 9 years
T: 10 years
S7 S10
BD 10/19/13
W Filed 11/25/13
EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA)
WAW moved out 3/15/14
Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: Positivespin] #2425223
01/23/14 02:00 PM
01/23/14 02:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
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RealityTrip Offline
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Hey Spin, So I've been thinking... I'm not going to be in a "Spin" frame of mind... I'm going to challenge you.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
In the meeting she said she hasnt taken them out because "she feels like a failure" but that "I think I have to because its been so long".

Ok. W is unsure of the decision and is honest that she feels like she backed herself into a corner. She was looking to you to rescue her from her own mistake.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
The mediator asked if I thought that we could reunite and I again told her (as Ive stated all along) that I could still see a path where we could be together again but it would take alot of therapy, alot of rebuilding of trust and starting at the absolute beginning...perhaps just mtg for coffee for 20 minutes.

But the unknown is does W know you still feel this way? You have not been pursuing her.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin

The mediator then meets with her and I leave the room. It lasts about 10 minutes then Im asked to rejoin. The mediator then tells us that she knows several pro- marriage therapists that she could direct us too and that we should not be throwing away a 18 year relationship because of "standards that may be overly critical".

This indicates that in both of your private meetings with the mediator, they must have seen some commonality in the possibility of reconciliation.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin

My X is now staring at me to make a move, a gesture - I dont. SHE NEEDS TO BE THE ONE TO COME BACK.

You need her to be the one to come back. I think a lot of LBS's feel this way. It makes us more trusting that they really do love us... and all that jazz. We also need validation that they made the bigger mistake right? That one is hard for me to get past in my sitch.


Originally Posted By: Positivespin
She agrees - but then adds " MAYBE ILL JUST GO WITH YOU" ?????? WTF

She was asking again, more boldy this time, for you to throw her a life line. Remember that WAS's, especially those with OM/OW, are AFRAID that we will/could NEVER, forgive them.

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
Im giving it 60 days for her to take the next step.

Why 60 days? And why so dark?

Originally Posted By: Positivespin
If she does not,I will not allow myself to be any more a door mat then Ive been,

You have never been a door mat my dear! Strong, introspective, growing, and a great father... but never a door mat.


Originally Posted By: Positivespin
Reality may have caused the fog to lift a bit but I dont trust a damn thing she does or says.

^^^ and there you have it. This is what yo need to focus on. If you don't think you can ever come to a point where you can trust her again then why wait 60 days? Why wait for her to make another move?

When it comes down to it, IMO, W was scared and having second thoughts during mediation. She looked to you to see if you were having the same thoughts. She wanted to know if it was ok to be vulnerable with you.

Is it?


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: RealityTrip] #2426590
01/29/14 03:16 AM
01/29/14 03:16 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 230
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OneDay Offline
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Hey PS. it's me Scottcat. (I switched my username)

I've been thinking about you and ur last post. How r u holding up? Haven't heard from you in awhile. I know that last mediation was not what you were expecting. It still seemed to have a positive twist to it. Not sure what else to say but that I'm thinking and praying for you, D3 and WAS.


Me: 39 W: 33
M: 9 years
T: 10 years
S7 S10
BD 10/19/13
W Filed 11/25/13
EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA)
WAW moved out 3/15/14
Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: OneDay] #2428144
02/04/14 04:11 PM
02/04/14 04:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 565
Northeast US
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Positivespin Offline OP
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Northeast US
February is real tough. Ive been unfocused and am trying to get back on point. I thrive in routine and im seeing a great wall of change ahead of me- and im racing straight towards it. Im intimidated,overwhelmed and scared.

I had some bloodwork done on Saturday because im not me right now. Suddenly, confidence is low and im finding myself with anxiety type symptoms (Biting nails, picking skin etc).

Im hoping they find low vit D or low iron etc, something easy to fix and obvious. All I want to do is be a slug. I do force myself to keep exercising but I sabotage myself by eating alot more at night (My only unscripted meal of the day).

I stopped the dating site. I was only looking for long term relationship quality women and the more I thought about it the more I believe that caliber of woman would not touch a separated man with a 100 foot pole. Trial and error......right?

So im continuing to live and im continuing to learn. Im currently focusing on learning how to build, and maintain, attraction. Ive done so much wrong because I just didnt know any better. My wife had a pile of mush. A spineless, opinionless, 6 ft tall blob. We never fought because I simply gave up and gave her what she wanted......Boy oh boy have I changed in that regard smile

RT- I appreciate so much you taking the time to present a different perspective. Im concerned because its SUCH a fine line. Is my x like pawxatawny and simply popping her head out of her arse for a peak? I have been so dark that I cant outright forgive- I have no idea what went on or is currently going on. I let her go. D4 and I both deserve a home filled with love. She needs to make the commitment, on her own, to rebuild a very different model. MY first step towards a reunite would obviously have to be asking her what her current sitch is. Personally, I dont want to know. I have no desire to be her girlfriend.

Scotty- GREAT TO SEE YOU ARE HERE smile


ME 38 W 37
T18 M5
D3
BD 1/7/13
PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing
2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13
W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13
First mediation appt 12/19/13


Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: Positivespin] #2428238
02/04/14 07:55 PM
02/04/14 07:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 251
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Maritimer Offline
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Posts: 251
I hear what you are saying, January was a rough one for me too. I withdrew from all forms of social media and forgot the GAL part. Must be due to such a brutal winter here on the east coast. Lack of sun maybe..

Get back on that positive track and be awesome for you and D. The rest will all fall into place!


H 37
WAW 32
S 4 (Autistic)
S 2
Together 11 years
Married 6
Bombshell Dec 1 2012
House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
Re: Mediation and the realization........PartV [Re: Maritimer] #2430136
02/11/14 07:52 PM
02/11/14 07:52 PM
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
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RealityTrip Offline
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Beuller? Beuller? Beuller?

Where you at Ferris? Singin' on a parade float or stealin' Ferrari's?

Checking in on you. I hope you are feeling better and the testing came back A-OK!

I know today might be a not good day for you... Just want to make you laugh! laugh

But remember how far you have come! (((((Spin))))


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
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