One baby step at a time...

[2ndTimeHurt]

Wow is all I gotta say. I really think my ex is in some kind of... I dunno... Something crazy. Where is her mind?!?!? Why is she asking me if i mind that she talks about mr he's-just-like-me?!?! He doesn't get jealous so he's soooo cool!! I'm really working over time in having compassion/pity for her. It's déjà vu again but the bad parts. I'll write more later. She's having a shower at my place right now?!?

I'm gonna get her to step on my back because it's sore... Since he won't be jealous about that or her having a shower here or me dying her hair or us having dinner or her drinking out of my cup or me feeding her mouth fries etc.

I wish I could get angry and do highschool sh*t.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Tonight was a weird one. My ex wanted to see our son so I picked her up from the gym because it was getting late. It's a quick drive but a long walk so I didn't mind picking her up. She wanted snacks so she picked us up some stuff. I appreciated the gesture. As we're walking into my place she asked me how my dating site is going. I was kinda stunned because I didnt tell her I had one, I only mentioned the dating sites from the last time we broke up. Anyway, I got a sick feeling because the last time she mentioned something like that was because she didnt want to feel guilty being "happy". She wants me to have someone to ease her guilt. She actually told me she doesn't want to feel guilty that she is "happy". I hate these bad déjà vus.

She tells me about how he is just like her in that they're both care free and not jealous people. What made me scratch my head was she asked me what was the right thing to do regarding having family time. Her mom disapproves of her spending time with me. Thinks it will confuse my son. I want to tell her mom to mind her own business. But my ex is adamant she wants to have family time. That's a 180 for her from 2 weeks ago! Anyway, why is she asking me; if I think it's a good idea, she doesnt care about what her mom thinks and her new boy toy doesn't get jealous. What's the problem?!? She confuses the hell out of me sometimes. She says she's gonna ask for advice on this. Just weird man. For someone who does what they want when they want why can't she figure this out on her own?!?

At least she admitted she's living in a fantasy world. I even told her Ive waited to hear those words from her. Too bad she was meaning it in a different context. She wants her new toy, my son, me and my future partner to all get along like a happy extended family!! I just said no one knows the future. That comment upset her. She thinks that comment means we're getting back together. As I'm sure you guys know, what I mean is I want to be happy with whatever happens in the future. I just want to be happy and I know I will be with whatever happens. I've been down this road before.

So during this stupid conversation she initiated I just had to tell her something. Something that I knew would upset her. But it was so upsetting to me I just had to say it. She told me before that I'm the only person she knows that makes her feel so awful, annoyed, depressed etc. I told her straight, that comment hurt me so bad and that I wouldn't even want to be with someone who feels that way about me. She just had that sad look on her face. From that point on I was determined to be happy for the rest of the night.

We headed downstairs to play with our son. This is when she decided to have a shower. Wtf? Just weird. My compassion/pity hat went on here. How warped do you have to be to do this? It's like she's possessed or something. I just told myself I'm going to be happy and get my back stepped on because it hurt from work today. She comes back from her shower and I'm playing with our son. She comments on how awesome the shower head is and we make friendly chit chat. We played with our son for a bit and it felt good having the 3 of us doing that. She says that her feet need a massage. Here's where I do something stupid. The part of me that wants to piss the other guy off comes out. I call it being the wedge. So I decide to pull a wedge move. I start rubbing her feet. And she's enjoying it and I'm thinking to myself, how could her new dude approve of this behaviour? My ex must definitely not be thinking straight. Oh well, I'm in wedge mode. Btw, all the other nice things I do for her are not to be confused with this wedge tactic. I'm genuinely being nice to the mother of my child and truly enjoying any family time my son gets. I must've massaged her feet for like 20 minutes. I'll be honest, along with working on myself and trying to become happy, I' can't promise I won't pull out the wedge move again.

Anyway, we put our son down for bed and by this time it's really late because she was enjoying her foot rub so much. We had a really good family bonding experience. Usually I read him like 9 books but my ex wanted to read to him. He says "no, daddy read!". I didnt want her to feel left out so I tell him mommy and daddy will read together. So we read some books at the same time and it felt really good doing that.

So he's sleeping now and I want my back stepped on. She gets on my back and man did it feel good. It's probably bad for my back but it felt good. After that she decides to give me a 2 minute Pilates session. Strange indeed.

I think my mind is a jumbled mess. I've spent 2 years brainwashing myself into becoming a better person. Namely my anger and having true empathy for my ex. Those 2 things are making it hard for me to heal quicker. Is that even valid? Should I not want to heal as quickly as possible? After hearing what my ex was talking about tonight I just want to be angry to help with killing all the other million negative emotions I'm feeling. I want to know that her new r will blow up in her face. Why do I want to find peace in knowing that her new r won't last? That he's not mr perfect and she has way too much baggage for a normal guy to handle. I know I'm not supposed to care what she does but I care that she finds out on her own that he is in fact a douchebag. I want that déjà vu again. I want him to screw up this perfect persona because she will let him have it. I'm such an ass for wanting this but I think my anger/fear wants to come out.


Ok. Time to settle down. It was nice to get that all out there. Ill go back to living life like my mother Teresa poem....

Oh, here's a real question. Should I 180 and talk about om? I did this last time but this time I'm trying to just keep things non r stuff. The only difference is that when I talked about who she was dating in the past I was also dating. The only positive I can think of by me talking about om is that it will prevent talks like tonight from happening. Or maybe it will seem less like a secret to her and maybe the excitement will wear off. There are many negatives though.

[AnotherStander]

Wow, well I don't really know what to tell you. You seem kind of "all over the place" in what you want with your ex. I guess my question to you is what is all this interaction with her doing to you? Does it hurt you, or are you detached to the point where you can give her footrubs and have her walk on your back and you don't have any expectations that it means anything? Regarding your question about whether or not to talk about OM my question would be the same- does that hurt or upset you or are you ambivalent about it? Her R with OM is brand new, so at this point there is nothing you can say or do that is going to help your sitch any I don't think, especially considering you were never M'd. So do what is right for YOU. If going dark will help you detach then do it. I think you're having too many interactions with her considering her R with OM, and that she is never going to learn to miss you at this point. But it's your call.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Wow, well I don't really know what to tell you. You seem kind of "all over the place" in what you want with your ex. I guess my question to you is what is all this interaction with her doing to you? Does it hurt you, or are you detached to the point where you can give her footrubs and have her walk on your back and you don't have any expectations that it means anything? Regarding your question about whether or not to talk about OM my question would be the same- does that hurt or upset you or are you ambivalent about it? Her R with OM is brand new, so at this point there is nothing you can say or do that is going to help your sitch any I don't think, especially considering you were never M'd. So do what is right for YOU. If going dark will help you detach then do it. I think you're having too many interactions with her considering her R with OM, and that she is never going to learn to miss you at this point. But it's your call.

I know I'm all over the place. Truthfully, the om situation hurts me. There are days where it doesn't bother me much but then there are days like today where I'm in pain.

I've learned to act or behave in a way where I have no expectations regarding my interactions with her. Hope for an unknown future sure, but I know not to expect anything. I honestly have a good time with her and I want to believe she does too. I know the person she is now isn't really who she truly is. I do see glimpses of the girl i fell in love with. She bounces around so much with what she says and does that it's becoming easier to not believe anything she says. Any time she talks about the future I just ignore it.

What makes hanging out with her easier(and I've mentioned this to my counselor many times), is my ability to see it as family time. I have zero urge to bring up any r talk. I'm taking things one day at a time and I really do have that quote ingrained into me. "If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway." The other voices in my head battle that line but for some reason I always end up feeling like I should be kind, anyway.

I think the reason I'm all over the place is because it's still early in my sitch and the fact my ex started dating so early plus the lovey dovey stuff she said before bd and her drastic depression she went into(suicide talk) to her "acting happy" like nothing happened.

I bet she barely remembers that she was actually my fiancé.


About her missing me. As, is there a time and place to go dim and let her miss me and a time and place for her to really enjoy my company? I'm torn between doing something different and doing what worked last time. It seems to me that I feel most comfortable doing a mix of things. I do that with everything in my life. A little bit if this and a little bit of that.

Also what's your take on going dim? How would you define it?

Thanks.

[2ndTimeHurt]

I have a question so if you want to skip the part about my son scroll down. But I'm sure you guys want to know about my kid. Hehe

Ok, I think I've calmed down a bit from this morning. Played some guitar and had lots of fun with my son today. We played some indoor ball hockey. He's gonna be quite the athlete. A little bit about my little monkey to lighten the mood. He was born 2 weeks late(my ex had an all natural birth and labour only lasted a few hours!) and came out with a full thick head of hair and very very proportionate(my uncle said this regarding his facial features). First thing people say is "he's so cute" and "look at that hair". I'm Japanese(Canadian) and my ex is Italian so he has these huge eyes with a hint of Asian. He weighed 9lbs and a half oz and just over 21". He's a big boy. He already weighs 40lbs and he's only 3 and a half. He is very proportional though. Muscular even. He was already starting to walk by 6 months and at 9 months he was comfortable walking on his own. He's a master on the Xbox and iPhone. Hes such a smart kid.

Anyway, i have another question for you As or anybody else who wants to chime in. Since Ive already experienced a reconciliation and I'm familiar with what one is "supposed" to do, is it considered a game or manipulation employing "tactics" to get another reconciliation? Let me clarify. I know I'm supposed gal, have PMA, detach, etc. Even dating was a part of the process. I did eventually become detached when she came back but everything I did including time passing enabled me to get there. I know all those things are for me only and a reconciliation may or may not be a by-product. So if I know I have to gal, PMA, detach, eventually date; does that mean I'm playing a game or manipulating?

I ask this because even after the first time I became fully detached I still knew if my ex came back I would want to try again. It feels like I may be playing a game/manipulating(maybe those arent the right words) because I've been down this road before and I sorta know what to expect. Maybe I'm supposed just do all these things for myself(regardless of what anyone thinks, including myself), not think of any outcome or what she's doing and if reconciliation is that by-product again so be it?

Any answers are welcome but I think I answered my own question. Or maybe I answered my question wrong:(

[GreyMatter]

Straight forward question there 2TH,
There is a nice way Michelle addresses this exact question in her book but I can't seem to find the page???? I feel the same way. Almost guilty now that everything seems to be working. Like I've just abused my H's connection to me and made him bend to my commands. But Michelle says something like - you didn't make the mistakes in the beginning and if you knew what you were doing was bad for the R you would change your ways wouldn't you? so because your changing your ways by refocusing on yourself how can it be bad if it fixes other things in the process.
I could be completely wrong also but this is how I interpreted it.

[2ndTimeHurt]

Thanks greymatter

I remember a part in db where she talks about "it" not being manipulation. I'll see if I can find that section again and re read it.

I dunno, there is a part of me that feels like it's game playing/manipulation. I gotta figure out a way to not think that and just do what I do.

[melissag]

Well, the last reconciliation didn't last. So maybe doing the same things just to get another reconciliation isn't really what you need. What did you NOT do last time, that you could do to make the reconciliation (if there is one) last this time, and if not, could help you with another R someday?

[2ndTimeHurt]

Well, the last reconciliation didn't last. So maybe doing the same things just to get another reconciliation isn't really what you need. What did you NOT do last time, that you could do to make the reconciliation (if there is one) last this time, and if not, could help you with another R someday?

The reason the last reconciliation didnt last was because I didnt learn how to piece properly. My focus wasn't where it needed to be. I have a few ideas on how to piece better but first I need to get that r.

[GreyMatter]

gosh learn to piece properly?? what do you mean by that?
I need to learn these things.... trying to absorb as much about piecing as possible! please elaborate!