It's Time to Sing a Brand New Song

[melissag]

Hi Mimi, I can empathize with that feeling . . . being scared, or nervous, or excited, or proud, and not having H to share it with. (Also, sliding on ice and that moment where you have no idea what is going to happen - ack!) It hurts. I can only hope that at some point we get used to it, or maybe even just don't have that thought anymore before getting back on the road.

I wonder if your H hadn't used the word D before because he felt you would react to it. Your cooperation lately probably has him thinking that you are fine with it now. (After all, if he tells himself that story, he doesn't have to feel guilty, right?) I know that is mind reading, but just throwing it out there. I know you're not going to do or change anything based on what he may or may not be thinking.

That is sad about your friend's comments . . . I sometimes see Hs and Ws arguing or scoffing or snapping or rolling their eyes at each other and I want to say, "please stop."

Then I saw the cutest elderly couple yesterday at Whole Foods. They both walked very slowly but he was still helping his W navigate the snowy parking lot. They were both so kind, chatting with the cashier and the W with me. It made me feel so happy for them, and so f-ing sad for me, because that was what I wanted with H, and that dream is gone. But who knows, maybe I can find it with someone else someday. And you can, too, Mimi. You are young, and smart, and have so much to offer. Your biggest problem in finding someone will probably be that you are so much more evolved than most people your age.

[3boymom]

Then I saw the cutest elderly couple yesterday at Whole Foods. They both walked very slowly but he was still helping his W navigate the snowy parking lot. They were both so kind, chatting with the cashier and the W with me. It made me feel so happy for them, and so f-ing sad for me, because that was what I wanted with H, and that dream is gone. But who knows, maybe I can find it with someone else someday. And you can, too, Mimi. You are young, and smart, and have so much to offer. Your biggest problem in finding someone will probably be that you are so much more evolved than most people your age.

When I see cute couples, I usually think the exact same thing. I have started to remind myself that I am just seeing a small piece of their life and don't know their story. I tend to see an old couple and think "how cute..they are probably high school sweethearts who are now growing old together." Yet, I have no idea. They could have met last year or years ago after they each D. It is the same reason I got off FB. My H post pictures of himself doing stuff with the kids to get comments of "you are the best dad ever." Yet, people have no idea that my H was MIA as a dad for a year. I think that we do more harm than good when we look at others lives and compare them to our own because we never know the real story.

[melissag]

You are so right, 3bm. That couple was easily 40 years my senior - who knows what can happen in my life in 40 years? (Hmm, that's the first time I have looked at it like that!) I am trying to place more of my focus on "maybe I can still have that" rather than, "I will never have that with H."

When you guys look at other people's sitches, do you think, "oh, that poor woman, She will never find anyone again"? LOL! Of course not. Why are we so negative about ourselves?

On a completely unrelated note, why does Miley Cryus feel compelled to be naked in all her music videos?

Sorry for the hijack, Mimi.

[Mimi00]

Thanks Melissa for your kind words. Sometimes I think I may not find someone else, and you know what, I am kind of OK with that. Maybe because at this point I don't really want to learn someone else again? Relationships are a lot of work to have a good one.....and I don't know, it would have to be a really really REALLY great guy to make me consider marriage again. These days, even when I do have rare thoughts of my H possibly wanting to come back someday, it is somewhat scary instead of desirable. I'm happy with my own space right now. Just me and my crazy dog lol

I wonder if your H hadn't used the word D before because he felt you would react to it. Your cooperation lately probably has him thinking that you are fine with it now. (After all, if he tells himself that story, he doesn't have to feel guilty, right?) I know that is mind reading, but just throwing it out there. I know you're not going to do or change anything based on what he may or may not be thinking.

I thought maybe it was b/c my email to him was so business-like. Also I don't think he expected me to get my name pulled from the accounts so quickly. I did it w/in 48 hours of discussing it with him. What he doesn't realize is I don't NEED him. I never have. I WANTED him. He makes double (sometimes triple) what I make and I have been able to save a few thousand in the last few months of being alone.
While he has spent several thousand.

The day I removed my name from the accounts the checking had $150, the savings had been wiped out down to $25 and he had another week or so until he got paid again.... I assume he survived though. *shrugs*
Just as your H has a "dad pad" I'm sure my H has createed his own bachelor pad, that's the only logical thing I can assume our savings went to. Before I blocked him on social media I saw him invite several young ladies to visit..... O_o
My H is actually in your state. He loves it there and plans to be there for 5 years, snowboarding every weekend, living in his fantasy world.

Just as your H said he's so happy and his life is great; mine told me that where he lives now, his life daily is "stress free" and every day he wakes up with out me, he feels as if "nothing is missing". Yes, he said that lol

On a completely unrelated note, why does Miley Cryus feel compelled to be naked in all her music videos?

I'm sure her break up w/ her fiance has a lot to do with "new Miley"....having that make you just not care anymore and want to live life the way you want to b/c living it the "PC" way still got your heart broken.

Hopefully it's majority just an act and she doesn't do the all to downward spiral entertainer path.
It's not attractive at all...

I think that we do more harm than good when we look at others lives and compare them to our own because we never know the real story.

It's funny, several months ago, around the start of my sitch I was on FB and it was my cousin's ex-wife's birthday (they divorced several months prior). I don't know her well, I've only met her once, but I decided to wish her HBD b/c I knew he left her. She responded "Thanks 'Mimi', you have a good life, I hope you are grateful".

Way to assume lady....way to assume! I was so annoyed. What was she basing the assumption of my o so "good life" off of? a few FB photos? Little did she know I was/am going through the same thing she is. smh.

When I look at couples now, I tend to say a little prayer for them b/c I KNOW better. I never want any one to experience what I have. Divorce seems to be every where in the last several months... or maybe I just notice it more b/c of my sitch? Either way, it makes me a bit sick to my stomach.

[melissag]

Mimi, it's great that you are happy with your own space right now. I can totally relate to having very little interest in ever getting married again, but I am holding out hope that some day I will change my mind . . . and maybe you will too.

[quote[Just as your H said he's so happy and his life is great; mine told me that where he lives now, his life daily is "stress free" and every day he wakes up with out me, he feels as if "nothing is missing". Yes, he said that lol[/quote]

I don't get it. How does a person say this to another person, and not realize how incredibly selfish and hurtful that is?

Super, your life is soooooo wonderful. Why do you have to tell the person you shared it with for X years?

I'm not even sure I believe it. Or maybe it's that I don't believe that they know what "happy" means. Or maybe I just expect more from my life than my H does from his. I can't envision being happy away from my family, spending hours looking online for a date so I can get my validation from someone else.

Do you think your H is going to be happy with living his stress free life forever? Or will he want more? Who knows. I guess it doesn't matter.

It's funny, several months ago, around the start of my sitch I was on FB and it was my cousin's ex-wife's birthday (they divorced several months prior). I don't know her well, I've only met her once, but I decided to wish her HBD b/c I knew he left her. She responded "Thanks 'Mimi', you have a good life, I hope you are grateful".

Ha. Well, it just goes to show. We really don't have any idea what is going on in anyone's homes or in their heads. Since H moved out, I found out that one of my friends would love to D her H, and doesn't even love him, but is staying with him until the kids are grown. I never would have guessed.

When I look at couples now, I tend to say a little prayer for them b/c I KNOW better. I never want any one to experience what I have. Divorce seems to be every where in the last several months... or maybe I just notice it more b/c of my sitch? Either way, it makes me a bit sick to my stomach.

It makes me sick to my stomach too. I just think it is so sad. I can't imagine wishing this on my worst enemy. It has been truly awful. I remember toward the beginning of my sitch, I finally understood why people contemplated suicide. I did not; I would NEVER do that bc I am too much of a weenie but more importantly bc I have two kids. But I thought, OH. Now I get it. You really can feel so bad that you see no hope and no point. Thankfully, I feel somewhat better now, but I still would never wish this on anyone.

[AnotherStander]

Then I saw the cutest elderly couple yesterday at Whole Foods. They both walked very slowly but he was still helping his W navigate the snowy parking lot. They were both so kind, chatting with the cashier and the W with me. It made me feel so happy for them, and so f-ing sad for me, because that was what I wanted with H, and that dream is gone.

I remember meeting an elderly couple like that once and thinking "wow, after decades together they still show that much love to each other!!" Then I found out they had been married about 5 years, LOL! Another time an elderly couple was in line in front of me at Walmart and the young lady in front of them asked how long they had been married, the woman said "45 years!" Then the man said "and 12 of them were really good!" Hahaha! I've shared this story before, but after BD and S I was at meet-the-teacher night with W. There was a happy family across from us and I remember thinking "if you only knew how lucky you are to not have a broken family like ours." Then the mom held up a piece of artwork their son had done, handed it to her H and said "why don't you take this to your house." LOL! They were separated just like us. So when you're out walking around looking at others, things are rarely as they seem. If you start talking to people you discover that almost everyone has marital problems of some kind or another, it's crazy.

[Mimi00]

Back in June/July when my H BD'd, he wanted to get away from the aftermath of his BD and went see his family that lived 3 hrs away. After a week of NC and letting him breath 3 hrs away...it was July 4th and I texted him and asked what was he doing to celebrate, and if I could visit and watch the fireworks w/ him, if he didn't have plans? He said "sure, we're still family".... after reading that I changed my mind and said "sorry, I shouldn't have asked", but then he begged me to come and told me his Aunt (my favorite person in his family), wanted to see me. So I went.

I got there are found out he had told his whole family that he was getting a D. Color me embarrassed. But his Aunt was still kind to me and told me "there are two sides to every story" and we talked as normal about various things and enjoyed the evening. We were discussing a certain Chef that was in the News at the time. She loves to cook and she mentioned a certain brand of cookware that the Chef had during the conversation; how nice, but expensive it was.

Since then, every time I see that brand of cookware in stores I think of her.

Funny enough, the cookware set is the same one I asked my H to buy me for Christmas 3 years ago (he didn't get it for me)...

So the cookware set went on sale and I decided to buy myself one and one for his aunt. I was a little nervous about buying something for her; we still "like" each others pictures on FB and she comments when I post something interesting, but I was still unsure (allowing my fear of what they would think of me; like if they'd think I was weird and ask why the "ex" sending us stuff? b/c as far as they know we are D'd.)

I went against my fear and sent it anyways. She received it today and posted a photo of it on FB saying thanks. Then she sent me a private message saying how she loves it and she's speechless for the first time and in tears.

I am happy I followed my feelings and got her the set. She took care of my H when his own mother wouldn't and she's always putting others needs before her own...so I am happy I was able to do something that made her feel good.

Do you think your H is going to be happy with living his stress free life forever? Or will he want more? Who knows. I guess it doesn't matter.

Well, when we last talked (well he talked, I listened and rolled my eyes) he had just taken a vacation and said how much he "needed to just get away". I wanted to be a sarcastic jerk and say "whaaaat? you needed to get away and take a break from your utopia???? no wayyy?!!!"

Oh well.

I remember toward the beginning of my sitch, I finally understood why people contemplated suicide. I did not; I would NEVER do that bc I am too much of a weenie but more importantly bc I have two kids. But I thought, OH. Now I get it. You really can feel so bad that you see no hope and no point. Thankfully, I feel somewhat better now, but I still would never wish this on anyone.

Yes, there are some days when I think about the future and I get excited. Then other days when I think about the future and I don't know how I am going to make it, it's going to be hard work to get to where I want to be.

When H and I started a relationship I was 22 yrs old in grad school....I graduated, we married. Then his career became the focus, we moved where he would be most successful and my goals went on the back burner and new goals were created to the bettering of "US". Now it's like I am in the same position I was in before grad school, I actually make less money than I made when I was in school before my degree. Hilarious..... o_O

So yeah.... realizing I lost 7 years and I am (in many ways, not all) no better off at 30 than I was at 22...[censored]. Then to think of all the hard work I need to do to make up for lost and wasted time can be overwhelming. I too understand how people feel like they just don't have the strength to continue on. But I know I am much better off than so many people on this earth and I just have to count my blessings and keep moving. I will get to my destination soon enough.

We all will.

[melissag]

I've shared this story before, but after BD and S I was at meet-the-teacher night with W. There was a happy family across from us and I remember thinking "if you only knew how lucky you are to not have a broken family like ours." Then the mom held up a piece of artwork their son had done, handed it to her H and said "why don't you take this to your house." LOL! They were separated just like us. So when you're out walking around looking at others, things are rarely as they seem. If you start talking to people you discover that almost everyone has marital problems of some kind or another, it's crazy.

Funny. I was thinking about this this morning . . . I make some random connections sometimes. I was getting VO2 max testing, and I was thinking, but this is just a snapshot of some random time . . . who knows what my body is doing the rest of the time - kinda like how you see a snapshot of people - families, married couples, etc. And you just have no idea what the other 99% of the time is like.

The message of the week at my martial arts studio last week was "don't make assumptions." Harder than it sounds. But so true.

[melissag]

Mimi, that was really kind of you to send your H's aunt the cookware. Not just kind, but courageous. I love it.

[KdogGS]

Mimi, you really did a nice thing by sending her the cookware set. That speaks volumes about your character, even in the middle of your situation, you're showing love to others. That's quite a testimony and actions do speak louder than your words ever would.

I did just want to touch on being able to find someone else. You will have no trouble. I can hear in your posts just how much you have grown. It may take more time before you look forward to meeting someone else, but you will take the skills you've learned through this process to make an awesome second relationship.

I went out with about 5 women before I found one that I felt a connection with. Nothing has happened with her, but I felt like I needed to at least meet someone to give me hope that there would be life after divorce. Our WAS are not the same people we married, nor are we, the LBS, the same person that they married. It's really important to me that I find someone that knows how difficult it is to work on a relationship and especially a marriage, and that they won't just bail in hard times. I know so much more of what to ask for now, how to communicate, and how to deal with conflict. I believe you have learned all these things too.

We have no control over our situations, but I believe you have responded beautifully to the position you were thrust into, and you will overcome. The sermon series at my church right now is about the Promised Land, it's shown online if you want to watch it. It's regarding the Israelites deliverance from Egypt, wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, and then finding the Promised Land. In a Gallup poll, only 13% of Christians felt like they were living in the Promised Land. This series is about leaving the past behind and focusing on the future and reaching your proverbial Promised Land while on this earth. This is the Oak Hills Church series led by Max Lucado, you can watch online, you may get a benefit out of the series.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! Stay strong.