Can I still save this?

[KGirl]

Hi TA - I struggle, too, with doing too much for my H vs. being cold/punishing/vindictive and the ideal spot between those two extremes. I over-think a lot as well and often wonder if me doing or not doing something is being "too nice," or just being polite, since it sounds like we should still be polite! My "measuring stick" questions, so to speak, that help me with these decisions are "is what I'm doing something I would do anyway? if H fell off the face of the earth would I still do it?" With the example you gave above about dinner, if you're cooking dinner that you want, when you want, and there's extra, by all means he can have it! But I don't go out of my way to ask him what he'd like, or wait until he gets home to see if he'll want it, etc. It's always something I'm doing anyway, and if he happens to want in on whatever it is, fine, but I'm still doing it! You wouldn't be making him lunches if he fell off the face of the earth : ) I'm trying to think of my H like a random college roommate - I should be polite and cooperative so that we can live together comfortably, but don't really consider him when I make plans for myself.

Hang in there! I'm right there with you on how tough it is to live with your H and have no idea if they're in, out, or still thinking about it.

[TipAnna]

Thanks all! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these questions and situations!

Overall, this week has been good. I mean, he has been trying hard to meet all the "boundaries" I set. He has been home every day this week (at least physically). We've talked and I've been acting positive and happy, as I would with any "roommate". No extra efforts...

Yesterday, I took off in the evening to grab a cup of coffee alone and read a book at the local coffee shop. There were people laughing, couples talking, I thought I was going to have a meltdown but finished my coffee (stayed about 45 minutes) and returned home. He asked if I had fun, and I could feel the tears swell up. He asked what's wrong. I said, nothing" but he insisted. So I said, “it was hard for me to do that and be around people that are genuinely happy". He bowed his head, let out a sigh...OOOPS!! I said, "But I'm ok! I'm good, I did what I set out to accomplish"...he seemed to relax and the rest of the evening was ok. He came out with me when I took the dog for a walk. He initiated conversation about his mental health while I listened. Up and down the stairs he would come and go either to smoke, get a drink, etc. I watched TV quietly and then went to bed.

This morning I expected him to be out when I woke up. He hasn't seen the OW all week...I'm sure they talk and text but I find it odd. He seems to be living in that basement. Spends all day/night playing video games. He has stopped doing any chores around the house but I don’t bring that up and do them myself, mind because I would do them for myself

Thanks all! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling with these questions and situations!

Overall, this week has been good. I mean, he has been trying hard to meet all the "boundaries" I set. He has been home every day this week (at least physically). We've talked and I've been acting positive and happy, as I would with any "roommate". No extra efforts...

Yesterday, I took off in the evening to grab a cup of coffee alone and read a book at the local coffee shop. There were people laughing, couples talking, I thought I was going to have a meltdown but finished my coffee (stayed about 45 minutes) and returned home. He asked if I had fun, and I could feel the tears swell up. He asked what's wrong. I said, “nothing" but he insisted (and I fell for it). So I said, “it was hard for me to do that, go out for coffee alone, and be around people that are genuinely happy". He bowed his head, let out a sigh...OOOPS!! I said, "But I'm ok! I'm good, I did what I set out to accomplish"...he seemed to relax and the rest of the evening was ok. He came out with me when I took the dog for a walk. He initiated conversation about his mental health while I listened. Up and down the stairs he would come and go either to smoke, get a drink, etc. I watched TV quietly and then went to bed.

This morning I expected him to be out when I woke up. He hasn't seen the OW all week...I'm sure they talk and text but I find it odd. He seems to be living in that basement. Spends all day/night playing video games. He has stopped doing any chores around the house but I don’t bring that up and do them myself, i don't mind because I would do them for myself and I know he can't do them right now (doc said he might be bipolar, he's seeing a specialist next week)..

My bday is tomorrow. I have plans tonight, and I'm fully booked tomorrow...haven't said anything and don't plan to unless he asks...I was a little sad this morning thinking that it's been a month since my world collapsed, and all the things I set out to accomplish this year involved "us". I guess I'll have to take some time and see what I plan to accomplish for me this year... unfortunately, having a baby can't be done solo! Lol! And that is the one thing I have the most trouble accepting...I was to be pregnant by now!! I guess all things happen for a reason and I'm glad we don't have kids while I go through this...taking care of the dog is enough for me! lol! I commend all mothers out there and bow to them for their strength if they are living through this...

[nit84]

TA,
Happy Birthday early!!

Your previous post struck a chord with me. I, like you, had big plans for "us" this year as well as last actually but S and W put an end to last year.

I have no proof but have suspicions about EA/PA.

Next week will be tough for me Because our troubles came to light last year the day after I finally asked my W to have a baby with me. I thought everything would be great till I got the "roommate" talk. After all it was her that always wanted kids. I did too but I was stupid about and thought we had to wait till debt was lower. I really needed a 2 x 4 on this about 10 years ago but I was an a$$. If she would have agreed to a baby next week would have been full term date.

In the two or three R talks she initiated I reconfirmed my desire to have a baby with W. She kept saying why couldn't I have told her sooner? I really didn't know the answer till I moved back home. I told her why I thought I didn't tell her sooner but I am sure she was not believing a word of it.

The only thing that is a "saving grace" if there is such a thing in all this is I asked her before troubles came to light so she knows I am not just saying this to get her to come back.

She admitted back in Aug her desire to still have a family. I backslid and told her it is right here waiting for her. All she said was "Its too late, why couldn't you tell me sooner and you are just telling me what I want to hear."

I have not brought the subject up since but I hope I am able to put on a Happy face and have a PMA through next week.

I apologize for talking about myself in this post. I started writing before I caught up on your sitch. I am going back to read it now.

[TipAnna]

I woke up this morning (it's my bday!)from a dream; I'll spare you the details but I was dreaming of having s@X with my H. It felt real and caught me of guard when I realized it wasn't real..but I did not let that ruin my day, I did not cry or stay in bed miserable..I got busy...

Got downstairs, brewed coffee, he said "hey, happy bday!". I said "thanks". He was watching TV so I went upstairs to read a book. Soon , I'm off to my parents for lunch ( I don't know how I will survive that, they don't know my situation yet..) and then I have dinner plans with my best friend and her family. I peeked out the window and realized I need to shovel. I took the dog out and upon my return, H was out there doing the work. I said thanks, grabbed a second shovel and helped..and the rest of the morning was good.

I think I might be having trouble with rule below:
"When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative."

He talks, I listen but then he engages me in conversations. He finishes his sentences with "no?". So I reply but feel myself getting caught up but don't know how to stop talking!! It's like I forget it all, and I'm telling him "it's ok", or "it will get better", like I'm comforting him. I always do that! and then it feels like we are together again, talking, laughing..i NEED to stop that! But at the same time, he's said how I wasn't attentive or affectionate..but I am not sure how to show him I am without breaking the "rules"? Any input?

[TipAnna]

He talks, I listen but then he engages me in conversations. He finishes his sentences with "no?". So I reply but feel myself getting caught up but don't know how to stop talking!! It's like I forget it all, and I'm telling him "it's ok", or "it will get better", like I'm comforting him. I always do that! and then it feels like we are together again, talking, laughing..i NEED to stop that! But at the same time, he's said how I wasn't attentive or affectionate..but I am not sure how to show him I am without breaking the "rules"? Any input?

Any input??

[nit84]

I am not the best person to give advice on this because like you I also have a problem with over talking.

It depends what the topic is. If H is sharing his feelings with you it is ok listen and then validate those feelings I believe.

If is it just small talk be conscious of what you are saying and then think of something else to do and go do it.

You can always come back later and see if he wants to talk but this way it lets H know that you are not following him around or just standing there thinking of things to say.


Don't know if this helps.

[TipAnna]

If is it just small talk be conscious of what you are saying and then think of something else to do and go do it.

Good point!

Well this weekend was my birthday. I had dinner plans with a friend on Saturday night. Lunch at my parents on Sunday and then dinner with a friend and her family on Sunday night. I kept busy!

What annoyed me about H was his aloofness about it all. He kept saying, “Have fun!”, “It’s good for you to get out”. When I would get back, he would rush up to ask, “Did you have fun?” When I was home, he would be super nice, ask me if I wanted a cup of coffee or if he can run out and buy me some soft drink, or to step out for a smoke with him, every time he went out. If I turned him down (happened twice), he would say, “You don’t have to? I was just asking” with a tone, catching himself and then say, “sorry, I’m not mad...” Right after BD, I would do all the household chores. I acted as if he was not there and did not ask for help. As of Saturday, he is chipping in, feeding the animals, and taking the dog out, shoveling snow (??). I attributed his lack of motivation to his depression. However, this weekend was different. He was more “up”, involved, and curious. I do not know if he is doing this because he is trying to be nice or if he feels that if he IS nice, the blow will be less to my ego. Agghh!! So frustrating! I know I should not worry about what he does or why but sometimes, I wish I was a mind reader...

I should keep my guard up cause when there is a high, there should be another low. Right now, I am trying hard not to get too comfortable or caught up in it all, because I really believe there is an ulterior motive for all this…

[mustardseed]

It is possible that the meds might be kicking in as well. I just wanted to point out that there is a difference between lovingly detaching and going dark (LRT). It is my understanding that LRT should only be employed when a is inevitable. It seems to me that S is in the table for you but he doesn't quite have one foot out the door just yet. He doesn't seem to have a plan or resources not has he taken any steps to make it happen besides telling you it is what he wants. Time is on your side right now.

He seems confused. Being cold and going dark will probably make his choice easier, but not in the way you want it to be. Stay positive, enjoy your life, and don't let him bring you down ;especially not in front if him. When I had a moment if weakness I would drive around until I felt positive again. I tried hard to only let him see me when I was happy and light.

He knows where you stand, now let it go. Stop worrying about the future (trust me this is easier said then done and better some days then others) but prepare yourself for either situation. You do this by being true to yourself. Don't go out if your way to so things for him or to be available to him but that doesn't mean you should cut yourself off from him. If he needs a ride and it is convenient for you to do so then go ahead and do it. But if you planned to do something that would make it inconvenient for you then he will need to find an alternative or wait until it is a better time for you. The more you GAL the more inconvenient it will be for you to do things for him.

Work on you. You told him you are willing to work on this if he wants to but you aren't going to beg plead or try to make things turn out your way. Now you can drop it. Let him figure things out and you work on you. The fact that he is suffering from mental illness makes it even more essential that you need to lovingly detach. He probably is incapable of working on any sort of R until he gets that under control and there is nothing you can do to make it happen. Be supportive the way a friendly neighbor would. Listen, validate, and live your own life. Don't get sucked into his right now.

My sitch is somewhat similar to yours (though no A) and we are no longer considering S, although I have come to realize that his mental state is still an issue. I changed the way I approach it and continue to detach with love but also be supportive when needed. We are beginning to really connect but it is still a work in progress. One thing I realized is that his happiness is not my fault and it isn't under my control so I have to let it go and focus on my own happiness until he gets it sorted out.

[nit84]

I m glad S is off the table for you MS.

I am living back at home but still S and just waiting to see what her next move is, but I am not letting myself worry about it as much as I can.

I have suspicions of an A but nothing concrete and I have not asked because it is not necessarily a dealbreaker.

My W has said no to counseling of any type so that makes it a little tough.

I just keep trying to follow DB principles and Praying W sees all that Im doing for myself is working and will stick. She has mentioned the things I am doing so she knows but she is not happy about it. Im sure it is the "why now, and not before" question that is troubling her

I think your advice^^^ is very sound.

[mustardseed]

My post should say "his UNhappiness is not my fault" iPhone typing is not my strong suit. Also I wanted to clarify that being cold could push him away but so will pursuing. The last thing he wants is to feel pressured to make a choice before he is ready and chances are the one who is putting pressure on him will be the one he runs away from. That's why you really have to let go of the need to know what will happen right now. I know it is scary, that uncertainty, but if you just trust that things will work out for the best then you can put all your attention into working in you.