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A Message from Michele
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Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2426925
01/30/14 01:58 PM
01/30/14 01:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Yesterday, he was home sick. He went to the doctor's and needed drugs, so he called me at work to ask if there was money in the account. He knew there was, so I said, "There should be enough money to pay for the medicine". He said, "OK, I wasn't sure". He mentioned that because he was not well that he would be home when I get in, to which I replied "ok". That is it...total 180 since I would have asked "why? Are you not ok to work? Did you call in sick?” Seeing that I told him that I was not going to help him out this weekend, I thought he was not going to talk to me at all. Therefore, I was surprised he called.

When I got home, sure enough, he was there... He asked how my day was, I said “good”. I asked how we was feeling and then he talked; I listened. He explained that the doctor told him he was not only sick but also depressed and that the doc was worried for his safety (suicidal thoughts?) and wanted to get him to a hospital fast but he refused. He said after that he came home and broke down because he now realizes that he really is depressed and it is all becoming real. He said, "Listen, I took the first step (boundary #4)" and he would follow through today to actually see a psychiatrist. He also said he was waiting for dinner to take his medication. He mentioned that he was trying to find someone else to sit in for him this weekend since he did not want me to “do anything out of my comfort zone”. I said, "OK, I'm glad you're looking after you. I don't feel like cooking anything complicated because I wanted to go out and get a library membership, so I'm just making pasta". He went back downstairs. I cooked, I ate, told him there was pasta for him and got ready to go to the library. He came up as I was leaving to ask if I could pick him up some Advil because we run out. I said, it is on my way, so I can stop.

When I came in almost 2 hrs later, he was laying on the couch, watching TV (he's never upstairs...), and said "Oh! You got some books?" “Did you want to sit on the couch?” To which I said, "No, I’m going upstairs to reads my book, the Advil is on the counter”...and never came back down

I am trying hard to distance myself. To do things cause I want to and when. I also try hard not to think about our R or the OW...so I bury my nose in books...picked up Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark and Everything you need to know about meditation. One step at a time..

My question is, am I doing this right or am I still not beeing “distant” enough? Is there anything else I can do?


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2427013
01/30/14 05:24 PM
01/30/14 05:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,142
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AnotherStander Offline
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Oh I think you're being distant enough, it's maybe even bordering on "cold and indifferent" so be careful. MWD says to detach in DR, but in other books she clarifies to LOVINGLY detach.

Interesting that the doc was worried about his safety. This tells me that they gave him that depression checklist to fill out and that your H indicated on it that he had been thinking about suicide. And not only that, but H must have ranked it pretty high since the doc wanted to admit him right away. I hope your H follows through and sees someone because he is probably going to need A/D's, and quickly.

What all this means for your R is a big question mark, so just keep up your DB'ing. If he starts A/D's it'll be 4-6 weeks before they fully kick in, and even after that there's no predicting whether it will make him more interested in the M or not. Hang in there and be patient!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: AnotherStander] #2427251
01/31/14 01:34 PM
01/31/14 01:34 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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When I walked in yesterday night, he was not home. However, the kitchen was clean, the dishes were out of the sink, and the dishwasher was going. I thought it was odd, but understood he was home today instead of going to school. He usually gets in a few minutes after me, so I decided to distract myself with preparing dinner rather than just watching the time tick by. He walked in half an hour later, just as I was in the kitchen making a salad. He said "hey!” I replied "hi”. I did not ask where, with who, or what he was up to (180!). He immediately explained that he didn’t not go to school this morning cause he needed to go to the hospital, he said he avoided it all day, and finally only got himself there around three (he showed me a doctor’s note and a prescription form). He said the doctor gave him pills to help him sleep and control his “anger” but did not give him any antidepressants because he wanted him evaluated by a psychologist to whom he got a referral”. I said, “I’m happy you took the first step and got help”. To which he corrected me and said, “Second step, first, was going to the clinic yesterday”. He mentioned he did not stop to pick up the drugs so I offered to drive him to the pharmacy, and he said “sure, after dinner?” We exchanged pleasantries on the way there; we picked up some things like paper tissue, toothbrushes, picked up the drugs and made our way home. It was so odd because it seemed like we were us again, like nothing did happen, and for a moment I got caught up in it...When we got back in, he went back downstairs, I watched TV upstairs, walked the dog, and went to bed...

I am trying not to lose it because he is acting like nothing is wrong, we talk, we laugh, but then I know at night he sleeps in the other room and falls asleep texting her..It is killing me! I feel that I am now making more excuses for him and trying to explain his past and present behavior, and are now wondering, can this really work? Will he see what he is doing? Will he say he wants to work at this soon? I find this self-destructive cause as I was putting all this effort and taking strides to heal the pain, I find myself backpedaling this week, mostly because it has been “nice” around the house. I need to find a way to just accept the fact that this R is over and move forward...

On another note, after some research, the drug that he was prescribed is used to treat certain mental/mood conditions (such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, sudden episodes of mania or depression associated with bipolar disorder). This medication can decrease hallucinations and improve your concentration. It helps you to think more clearly and positively about yourself, feel less nervous, and take a more active part in everyday life. It may also improve your mood, sleep, appetite, and energy level. It can help prevent severe mood swings or decrease how often mood swings occur.” Although his family has a history of clinical depression, I did not think he was bipolar...only time would tell.

I figured that maybe I should seek some IC, or a support group , I can maybe find a way to accept this faster..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2427255
01/31/14 01:41 PM
01/31/14 01:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,265
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Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Posts: 13,265
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Originally Posted By: TipAnna
I am trying not to lose it because he is acting like nothing is wrong, we talk, we laugh, but then I know at night he sleeps in the other room and falls asleep texting her..

This is called cake eating.

Is there anything you can change here?


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: Cadet] #2427276
01/31/14 02:47 PM
01/31/14 02:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Hi Cadet,

I’ve read that “There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave”. But what if I can’t? Financially, at least, I am obliged to stay at the house. I thought that detachment (180/LRT) was one way of attacking this. But as AnotherStander pointed out, “I think you're being distant enough, it's maybe even bordering on "cold and indifferent" so be careful”. I am just not sure how to apply what and when..I’m CONFUSED!!


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2427358
01/31/14 05:12 PM
01/31/14 05:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,265
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Posts: 13,265
NY
Well I would never leave my home unless a judge ordered me to.
But there are lots of other ways to stop pursuing.

Maybe read up on pursuit and distance.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: Cadet] #2427407
01/31/14 06:36 PM
01/31/14 06:36 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Cadet


Thank you Cadet..a checklist! Love checklists!!

Emotional Level:

• Don't initiate conversation or give advice (even if they asked for the advice, refrain from giving it).
o I never initiate the conversation anymore...i always let him be the one to talk first, I listen, and respond...I don’t want to be cold or mean. So I do laugh when he tries to joke, or ask about him, his day, if he asked me...maybe I should downplay it even more...but themn I think I’ll be rude..therefore, I will need to test this...

• Abstain from trying to change or improve your partner in any way.
o None of that! He is the one being in charge on HIS decisions. Although I will say, “I’m happy he went to see the doctor, for example”...

• Do not seek his emotional support or help with any of your problems, concerns, or worries.
o I might have slipped at the beginning when I needed some validation that we can maybe save the marriage but now, I am the happiest person on earth (or so it appears wink!

• Do not look to him as someone to talk to.
o I have my friends for that. Any conversation with H is regarding our dog, and responding to his how was your day?

• If you've been babying him, stop.
o Maybe I have been feeling sorry for him more than babying him...

• Identify whatever you are doing for him, and stop doing it.An example of this is: stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking especially for him, or waiting on or for him.
o I do not do his laundry.
o I do not clean up after him: his bedroom and the basement are filthy!
o I will make supper for myself and double the batch for him (that is ok, right? I do not know how to cook for one! Moreover, is not that mean?)
o I do make his lunches (NO MORE!)
o If he asks, I will drive him somewhere but this has only happened twice...
Stop "keeping the peace". If you have been intervening between him and others, be it children, family or friends, stop doing so.

• He needs to learn how to interact w/others all on his own.
o He actually does not talk to anyone, not his friends, not his family, the only person he is still speaking with is the OW and maybe his classmates cause they need to interact...

Physical Level:

• Do not initiate expressions of affection, such as hugging, kissing and saying "I love you," or "I'll miss you," or asking questions such as "Do you love me?"
o Nope...separate rooms, no affection at all...as per my previous post, I even declined going to play “dummy” to his massage school cause , as I told him, I was not comfortable him touching me when he’s also touching someone else..

• Do not appease your partner sexually any longer.
o Hell, no! He is not getting any of this...

• Do not plan your schedule around his, and do not do things for him.
o I schedule my time for myself but I should stop making his lunches and “driving” him...
• This is not the time for a romantic vacation or second honeymoon.
o Yeah, right!

• If he spends his spare time at home, arrange to be out while he is there.
o It’s kind of hard to always find something to do everynight1 I’ll go for a walk one night, to the library the next...but I can’t always be ouit cause he’s home, right?

• Do things with family and friends or by yourself.
o I see my friends, coffee, dinner, or go out alone, just to get out...

• In short, do as little as possible for him or with him, with the goal of doing absolutely nothing.
o Ok, will start implementing ASAP


My concern right now is that he has mentioned that I always seem like I don't care, that I am not affectionate enough towards him. He also said early on that "he wished I'd get and, to show that I care". Besides my one little outburst, I have not pursued, begged, pleaded, or tried to reason. I went straight into the LRT as soon as he told me about the A. I am sure that this OW is fulfilling something emotional more than physical so I'm worried that by applying the above, I am only pushing him away further..I know that it's seems counter intuitive and I should do so anyways..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2427421
01/31/14 06:56 PM
01/31/14 06:56 PM
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 126
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completelylost Offline
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completelylost  Offline
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Posts: 126
Don't overthink this, like AS said don't run the risk of being cold because that's what you were 'told' will work. Truth is there are people on this site that are 'VETS' and they are single and they followed the letter of the law to the fullest. Do what works for you and your sitch.


ME: 35
W: 34
M 2 years, together 6
Galatians 6:9
Re: Can I still save this? [Re: completelylost] #2427434
01/31/14 07:40 PM
01/31/14 07:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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TipAnna  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: completelylost
Don't overthink this,


Ooohh .. "over-thinking" is my middle name..I over-think everything! Commercials, movies, dinner..I'm a planner and a doer, so right now, I feel like I need to do something to "fix" this or try to understand it ..but I am also using all this energy to do things for ME..I picked up a book and signed up for a mediation challenge, let's hope that helps ease my mind...

But you are right! Maybe I should just do what feels right in the moment, trust my level of comfort and boundaries and take it day by day..

Thanks for that Completelylost..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Re: Can I still save this? [Re: TipAnna] #2427450
01/31/14 08:22 PM
01/31/14 08:22 PM
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 355
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dingo Offline
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Posts: 355
I agree with CL. Everyone here will offer advice and most of it is very wise but the best advice is to try different things, discard what doesnt give you the results you want and keep doing what does. Every situation is different. Make sure you keep control of your emotions. Another saying that's common around here is 'the person who can keep their emotions in check always has the upper hand.'


Me:38 W:39
No Children
BD: 5/13
EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13
W Moved out 12/13
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