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TipAnna Offline OP
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Thanks dingo!

After stepping back, I realized that I shouldn't have jumped on him when he came through the door (even though she was waiting outside for him). I might be making excuses for him but I truly believe he's confused. If he "wakes up" and tells me with certainty that he wants to try to see if we can fix the M or whether he wants out (and not because I am forcing him to make a decision), then I will act accordingly.

In the meantime, I am closing myself off, this way I don't get hurt anymore, applying LRT, and slowly start preparing MY future.

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement! It's hard to hold onto "hope" while trying hard not to get hurt even more.


Me: 36
H: 36
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EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


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TipAnna Offline OP
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Well after this morning's debacle, I came home and he wasn't there. He usually takes off to go to work when I get in (works the late shift every other day) but all his stuff was still at home, which means he didn't got to work!! This is turning out to be a nightmare cause if he is now skipping work cause he's depressed (or to spend time with her???) we will be in a financial mess!! I was so worried, i texted to apologize for this morning's outburst (stupid of me!) and make sure he got to work OK, no answer. I'm worried he might hurt himself if he is in a deep depression. But then again, he might not even care that I am worried and he's out on the town with the OW!! I'm going to loose my mind! Don't know what else to do..but re-read the DR chapter on LRT...but my mind is everywhere right now!!

At least ranting here helps relieve some of the pain..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


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HHang in there TA. It's easier said than done but don't obsess over it. You can't control him. There could be many reasons that he did what he did and don't worry yourself by jumping to conclusions. You'll spin your head in circles trying to figure out why and it won't do any good. You won't know until you know.


Me:38 W:39
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TipAnna Offline OP
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On Friday, I decided I would go talk to a social worker we have a work to get some perspective on my situation. Well, she said that I need to find an outlet for all my emotions...so I did.my H! When he told me the news of the affair, his confusion, blah, blah...I took a deep breath and walked away and never did I let him know what I felt or thought (one of my faults is that I am not really affectionate or emotional). So I walked in the house and when he asked me how my session went, I told him. I told him that he hurt me, how I don't understand how he can cheat on me, how he was selfish. I also mentioned that I knew our marriage wasn't perfect but I never went outside our marriage. I set down my boundaries and let him know that
1) I will not tolerate him going out every other night (or skip work) and spending our money on the OW
2) To let me know if he won't be coming home so I can make sure I'll be there to walk and feed the dog in time
3) That I will not live in a threesome, so he needs to cut her off, decide whether he wants to stay, but if he can't stop seeing her, he'll need to leave.
4) Seek help for his depression so he can clear his head and make a decision. He listened and then said, "Ok...I'll stop seeing her, make an app with a psych, and take it from there..."

He spent all of Saturday home, mopping, watching TV, playing video games...I kept busy cleaning, reading, walking...

On Sunday, he works, so I offered to drive him. He said, "You don’t have to although I appreciate it" and I said, “I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to". Dropped him off at work, and went out for brunch with friends and then I went grocery shopping. He didn’t come home right after work. He’s usually home by 18:00. At 19:30, I sent him a text asking to let me know he’s ok. Nothing. I packed my bags and got ready to call my parents to let them know I was moving in! However, alas, I was acting out of emotion, so I took a deep breath and made supper instead. At 20:44, he replied, “he was on his way home”. He walked in around 21:30, said he was sorry but needed time to think, that he feels that he can’t do that at home cause “everyone” is on top of him and he has trouble keeping focus due to his clinical depression and having to interact with me, the dog, etc . He needed time for him. I just listened and told him that I understood, and that if he needed more space, that he can let me know and I can leave. He said, “No, this is your home too, this is my problem and that that would not be fair to you”. He actually had dinner with me (instead of running to hide in the basement) and unexpectedly, crying, he said, “it hurt my feelings when you said you thought I was faking my depression”. I said, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, and I honestly do not remember saying that but I know you’re is in turmoil and not faking it”. He said thank you, picked up our dishes and went to the basement. He came up four times to ask if I wanted to go out for a smoke (bad habits come back when you are living in hell!). I joined him twice and walked the dog myself to give him space. We joked, we talked about the Grammy’s and then he asked how my brunch was and how our friends were doing. My best friend is the only one that knows at this time and I told him, that if he’s worried about what our friends thought, no one knows, except my BF and she lived through something similar in the past and respects my decision to try to fix us. He nodded, we said goodnight, and went off to our separate beds.

Today, he works late. He woke up with me because he said he wanted to go see his doctor. Midday, I texted to tell him to “bundle up because it was really cold outside”. I left it open ended, no questions. No answer. We’ll see what tonight holds...

I know I’m doing many things wrong but it has only been a little over two weeks since he told me about the affair and the ILYBINILWY, and possible D...so I’m learning to keep it together and apply everything in the DR book. Any insight on what I should not do again or do instead would be great...


Me: 36
H: 36
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Separate bedrooms/still living together


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The more you can act like things don't bother you, especially this early in the process, the better off you will be later. Don't make him feel responsible for your emotional state (even if he is the main factor in it).

It sounds like he crossed boundary #2 and got rewarded with a nice dinner. Did he ever say where he was or why he didn't call? This was a sticky subject in my M too so I can sympathize with you. Don't lay down boundaries you aren't willing to enforce. Its a subtle difference but the boundaries are to protect you, not to control him.

Be careful who you tell. He should be careful who he tells as well (though you can't really suggest this to him). The more people on either side that know, the added stress if/when you attempt to reconcile.


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Originally Posted By: dingo
HHang in there TA.

I hope you figured out that TA is YOU...... smile smile smile

Keep working on YOU is the best advice anyways.


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TipAnna Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: dingo
It sounds like he crossed boundary #2 and got rewarded with a nice dinner. Did he ever say where he was or why he didn't call? This was a sticky subject in my M too so I can sympathize with you. Don't lay down boundaries you aren't willing to enforce. Its a subtle difference but the boundaries are to protect you, not to control him.


Ouch! I didn't see that one!

He said he went to a coffee shop, alone, said he was sorry but did not feel like dealing with anyone or anything so shut his phone..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 54
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TipAnna Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: dingo
HHang in there TA.

I hope you figured out that TA is YOU...... smile smile smile

Keep working on YOU is the best advice anyways.


LOL Cadet! You're right, I didn't realize it was me at first.. laugh

Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot right now!

As for your advice, I am taking time for me now! Brunch with friends, visit family, exercise, I even joined a mediation group!..I feel that all this helps take the attention of him and I'm not as "freaked out" as I was last week..and sleeping/eating much better..

One day at a time..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 355
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Originally Posted By: TipAnna
Originally Posted By: dingo
It sounds like he crossed boundary #2 and got rewarded with a nice dinner. Did he ever say where he was or why he didn't call? This was a sticky subject in my M too so I can sympathize with you. Don't lay down boundaries you aren't willing to enforce. Its a subtle difference but the boundaries are to protect you, not to control him.


Ouch! I didn't see that one!

He said he went to a coffee shop, alone, said he was sorry but did not feel like dealing with anyone or anything so shut his phone..




I don't say this to hurt your feelings but to help you open your eyes. People in affairs will lie about anything and everything to get what they want (the OP). They are frequently compared to drug addicts, alcoholics, etc. I am not saying he was with her or was not but you should at least recognize that he may have been. If you don't enforce boundaries, you lose respect so again, be very careful with what you set and make sure you are willing to enforce it.

Consider it, understand it and then get it out of your head. It doesn't matter what he does, where he goes or who he's with. What matters right now is what you do for you. Easier said than done but its the only thing you can do.


Me:38 W:39
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TipAnna Offline OP
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Things are better at the house these past few days. I am calmer and focusing on me, including outings with friends, exercise and looking into a language course (hey, why not?). I know he's still talking and exchanging with the OW but I do not bring it up, I just go on my day like I don't care..detach right?

My H is presently studying to be a massage therapist and asked if I can help him out and sit it for one of his "dummies" this weekend. I accepted. However, this morning, after sleeping on it, I calmly told him that I would help him out if he was in a bind but I did not think that I was comfortable with him "touching" me if he wasn't "into me" and "getting it" somewhere else. He seemed upset/angry and said "fine, don't worry about it, I'll find someone else". He left and did not say bye.

I am not sure I handled that correctly but truth is my bday is this weekend. I made plans to go out with friends, spend the afternoon at the spa, and working MY plans around to accommodate him, frankly, pissed me off. As well as the fact that if you are sleeping with someone else, why don't you ask HER to bail you out? I'm hurt and angry but I think I need to stop "holding onto" him and move forward without him..


Me: 36
H: 36
No kids
EA/PA confirmed: 02-Jan-2014
Separate bedrooms/still living together


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