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A Message from Michele
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Left Behind on the Left Coast VI: New Year, New Me #2421787
01/09/14 06:30 PM
01/09/14 06:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 535
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LBH_LC Offline OP
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LBH_LC  Offline OP
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Right, so I've been saying I'll post for a while now, so I guess I'll finally do it.

I had our final settlement conference in December and we're still not in agreement, but the STBX is beginning to realize what the law has to say in our sitch and offered to pay me her share of the debt to keep the car. I don't feel I can trust her to do this, so I'm continuing to push for her returning the car and me taking all the community debt. We are going to trial this month, probably in the third week.

The STBX sent me another drive-by nastygram text around 12/20 or so. I debated on whether to ignore it entirely or try to engage civilly, so I did the latter. She alternated between hurling insults about my character and making crazy accusations that had no basis in reality. I responded coolly and civilly, trying to point out the facts. Maybe I should have been more validating to her feelings, but I cannot risk even the appearance of conceding her points and I know it wouldn't make a lick of good anyway. So she eventually stormed off after calling me controlling, selfish, manipulative, deceitful, a user, etc.

I wonder if she will ever one day look back and realize I have not said a single nasty thing to her since last January, despite her continual hostility? I doubt it.

So Christmas came and went. My mother and I went to my sister's for an early celebration and visiting with my nephew and his family. He just had a son in the summer. My nephew, who has been more like a brother to me, gave me the most thoughtful gift I've ever received, so I got pretty choked up.

On Christmas, Mom and I got together and we cooked a Christmas dinner of our favorite (admittedly non traditional) foods. I turned 40 around the new year and went to my favorite steakhouse with one of my friends I've known since grade school.

I had a lot of free time because my business was closed for several days because of the ways the holidays fell, so I did a lot of genealogical research (one of my hobbies) and learned quite a bit.

A few days after my birthday, I was driving to my therapist's and the song "Nothing Lasts" by Matthew Sweet came up on shuffle. Ordinarily I would have skipped it, but I was in the mood for a cry so I let it play.

One of the verses really struck a chord that day:

Quote:
It's time to move on
Let the past go
I've waited for you here
But you never showed
Although I asked you
To let me know
I only felt
A cold wind blow

(chorus)
While I tried to hang on
To the past
But you know
That nothin'
Oh no, nothin' lasts

Nothing's in your way
Now you can stand
Right up and run
Wouldn't even change things
If you took back
What you'd done

(chorus)


I realized the truth of my switch and that day I began to feel okay with it. Of course, my T asked me to read the text exchange between the STBX and myself to him, and that kind of got me upset again and I've been kind of down since. But now I'm beginning to think that there's just too much that has gone bad between us that even if she wanted to R, I don't think we could. Very sad.

I've been pretty busy lately, especially this week. Started back at the gym Monday (weightlifting three times a week), lodge Tuesday, had a meeting for the non-profit last night, T and gym tonight, church breakfast and gym tomorrow, lodge breakfast Saturday, work for the non-profit Saturday, take the cat to get her nails trimmed Saturday, visit with a friend who may be in town, get a job app in for a couple positions, plus I need to work on a website for a friend at church too.

I felt slighted at the lodge Tuesday and the new big cheese (who joined after i went dark some years ago) doesn't seem to appreciate one of the contributions I made to lodge and seems ready to minimize it and hand it off to one of his buddies, but I'm trying not to let that phase me. Trying to keep positive.

Looking forward to T today. I feel like I have so much to work on still. I'm still not happy with the way I look and I'm scared to death of not being able to restart my career at my age. I'm considering going for my Master's, but I'm not sure if it would be financially wise at my age.

Oh, my new year's resolutions...

Maintain the weight loss and try to rebuild some muscle.
Get a new job on my career path.
Be more positive.
Meditate daily and try to read a chapter of a book daily.

So, uh, that's where I'm at right now. I appreciate everyone who checks in on me, and I try to stay current with your sitches too, I just feel like I don't have much to offer you except moral support so I probably don't chime in as much as I should. Love you all and I wish you the best this year.

Lefty

Re: Left Behind on the Left Coast VI: New Year, New Me [Re: LBH_LC] #2423094
01/14/14 04:37 PM
01/14/14 04:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2013
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LBH_LC Offline OP
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Well, the STBX has finally accepted my settlement offer. Looks like this will all be done soon.

Funny, before she accepted it, I was starting to feel okay with the D. My thoughts were "Well, why would you want to be married to someone who could do all this and say all this? She's obviously not the person you thought she was."

Now, not so much. It's just unreal to me how unrelenting she has been about this. We never had one face-to-face talk after she walked out last year. I wonder if I did everything I could? Did I screw up by not pursuing more? I know in my heart that we will never reconcile or even talk again once she signs on the dotted line. I'm just a clip of film on her cutting room floor now. I just don't understand.

Re: Left Behind on the Left Coast VI: New Year, New Me [Re: LBH_LC] #2423310
01/15/14 01:36 PM
01/15/14 01:36 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,421
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Originally Posted By: LeftCoastLBH
We never had one face-to-face talk after she walked out last year. I wonder if I did everything I could? Did I screw up by not pursuing more? I know in my heart that we will never reconcile or even talk again once she signs on the dotted line. I'm just a clip of film on her cutting room floor now. I just don't understand.


I don't think there's anything you could have done that would have changed the outcome. Your W is hellbent on D and has probably convinced herself that it is her path to happiness. Once she gets the D and discovers she's still not happy, then maybe she'll start to face her real issues.

I know you think it's over at D, but sometimes WAS's don't even begin to realize they're in the fog until the D is final. D could be the first step in your W's recovery. Or she my never come out of the fog, it's really hard to say. All I can say for sure is nearly all of the couples I've known that had a WAS, the WAS eventually wanted to reconcile, sometimes even after D. There's only one I know of that never did and that was my brother's WAS, but she was a serial cheater even before they were married. Anyway, often the WAS waits so long that the LBS becomes the one that doesn't want to reconcile. So when you decide to stop standing is up to you, but I wouldn't let D stop you from standing if you don't want it to because couples DO reconcile after D.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Left Behind on the Left Coast VI: New Year, New Me [Re: AnotherStander] #2423364
01/15/14 04:44 PM
01/15/14 04:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2013
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LBH_LC Offline OP
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AS: I want to believe, but given what she's been through in this year of separation, I don't see her changing her mind. And we never communicate at all, and she seems to hold grudges...

Still, you never know what the future may bring. I thank you so much for always knowing the right thing to say. I appreciate it, friend.

Re: Left Behind on the Left Coast VI: New Year, New Me [Re: LBH_LC] #2423376
01/15/14 05:10 PM
01/15/14 05:10 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,421
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You're quite welcome, and let me just say that I completely share your sentiments!! My W has been gone almost 1-1/2 years and frankly it seems really remote that she'll ever change her mind. And I'm not even sure I want her to at this point because she's so different than who I married. But, the future is a big unknown as you said. I'm not sure if you've seen me post about my buddy, but he and his W are in their 60's. She was a typical WAS, blamed him for everything bad in her life and absolutely HATED him when she left him. She raged for months before finally moving out. They barely spoke for over a year. She moved in with an OM. Then they ran across each other and started chatting, that led to more chats over the phone, then some coffee meetings, then lunch and dinner, all pretty much as friends. After almost a year of that they started getting intimate again (by then she had moved out of OM's place). Now another year later they are madly in love again. She says he's the greatest thing that ever happened in her life, that HE is what brings her happiness. He didn't know a thing about DB'ing, but he somehow inherently knew to give her time and space. He didn't do 180's or anything, he just left her alone and moved on with his life.

I have another friend that divorced 2 years ago and is just now dating his ex again. Very similar story, she blamed him for everything and left him, he moved on with his life, they hardly spoke, she had a change of heart and reached out to him, they reconnected as friends and have slowly been getting closer.

So as hard as it is for either of us to believe, there is hope, LOL!


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Left Behind on the Left Coast VI: New Year, New Me [Re: AnotherStander] #2423753
01/17/14 02:05 AM
01/17/14 02:05 AM
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 535
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LBH_LC Offline OP
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So today I got pictures of the car she will be returning as part of the settlement. I don't recognize the driveway it's in. It's not her parents, where she said she is living. *sigh*

Re: Left Behind on the Left Coast VI: New Year, New Me [Re: LBH_LC] #2425103
01/22/14 10:07 PM
01/22/14 10:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 565
Northeast US
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Positivespin Offline
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Hey jackass smile I saw your pic! You need to keep your head up and dust yourself off sir. Have you "felt attractive" recently? Have you had your ego fed in a while? ......It needs to happen. You look great sir. I know you love your x and feel some guilt and at the very least would like some real closure- but you have zero control of that at this time. Its time to move forward! Its the only step you can take right now that might raise her interest level in you enough to open communication.

Realizing that I am a PUTZ i have recently become immersed in relationship studies focusing mostly on the art of "building attraction" - Its really good stuff. I figure its ok to do as it will be a skill I might be able to use if I R with X or If i move on..........The world has changed so much in 18 years.

Talk soon smile


ME 38 W 37
T18 M5
D3
BD 1/7/13
PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing
2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13
W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13
First mediation appt 12/19/13


Re: Left Behind on the Left Coast VI: New Year, New Me [Re: Positivespin] #2426992
01/30/14 04:57 PM
01/30/14 04:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 535
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LBH_LC Offline OP
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LBH_LC  Offline OP
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I'm trying, buddy. To be honest, no, I haven't "felt attractive" lately and my ego desperately needs to be fed. Yes, I'm trying to move forward. Any reading you'd recommend on "building attraction?"


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