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Mimi00 Offline OP
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I was wrong....He called again b/c i didnt call him back fast enough.....The favor isn't money, he cracked his beloved cell phone screen and wants to rush his removal from our phone plan so he can have his own line/account under his name and he can file a claim for a new phone. So he wants me to fill out a form online. I told him I will do it when in get to work in a few hours as I dont have internet to use my laptop...he seemed annoyed.

I dont understand why he just didnt inform me by text...


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
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Mimi00 Offline OP
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Thanks K....my mom happened to call today and she said the same to kust tell him finacially I wasnt able. Im glad he didnt call for that reason though.

Its weird that I havent talked to him in almost 2 months now all the sudden he has to call about this....


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 463
K
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Posts: 463
I know the reason is not what you expected, but it sounds like you handled it well. Removing him from the plan would be something you did anyway, and removing your name from the bank accounts will be the next step.


H: 29
WAXW: 30

Bomb Drop- 9/9/13
Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14
D Final- 5/21/14
XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
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Mimi00 Offline OP
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Thanks K, his phone line was separated by the end of that day. So yup, that's one less thing to worry about.

I saw this quote posted by Kate's Place in Groov's thread and I wanted to re-post it here.
I never thought of dropping the rope as being similar to the "last resort technique", I considered what I was doing prior to dropping my LRT phase, but I thought this post made sense so I wanted to have it here as a reminder for myself. Not sure who the original writer of the quote is:


"In this humble man's, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.

The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.

To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.

It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.

It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.

It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.

It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.

It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.

It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?

It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.

It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.

It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.

It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)

I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!"


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 463
K
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Posts: 463
Hey Mimi, how are things with you?


H: 29
WAXW: 30

Bomb Drop- 9/9/13
Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14
D Final- 5/21/14
XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
M
Mimi00 Offline OP
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
Hey K, thanks again for checking in on my thread.

I called my bank a few weeks ago to ensure I could remove my name from out joint accounts, they said yes, just go to a local branch.

So Last time we got paid I took a portion of what H owes me from a loan he asked for to help him leave... of $600.... so I transferred $250 to my account and walked into the bank to take my name off of the accounts. They told me I can't. We'd have to show up in person or close the accounts totally. I told her that's was not possible to show up in person, and he wouldn't be able to close the accounts in person b/c #1 his direct deposit would have to be switch first #2 there are no branches of our bank in the city he lives, he would have to rent a car to get to one....that would take forever for him to get around to it since it is't a priority for him.

So after I leave the bank H happens to call.... of course he needs something.... he's renting a car to go some where (i didn't ask....but most likely on a vacation or shopping trip) and he needs a proof of the insurance for my car to rent, as his name is shown on it (that's the only thing he still pays for concerning me).

But he asks for the agents number to call her so the insurance people can verify coverage to the rental company.... I say how about I just take a pic of the card and send it? he says No, give me the agents number. So I give it and hang up.... then immediately send a pic of the card....as I hit send, he calls again, asking for a pic of the card b/c the agent wasn't available.....

So after his rental is settled he texts "thanks"... so at that point I assume he hasn't seen that I took $250. I was worried because obviously he's going on a trip or something and planning to spend money... (i saw he tranfered $436 to his personal checking so that specific number makes me assume he purchased airline tickets or something). So I'm like great, he's going to be angry I took the money, as he'll probably need it. So I text him back and let him know what I did and why:

"I transferred $250 as repayment on the $600 loan I gave you in July, but if now is not a good time for that let me know" (I'm only asking for half of the loan back not the full $600)

He asked me to put $100 of it back and said we cant setup payments to pay me back. (set up payments for $300, really?)
So I did..............

A few days later, the checking account was down to $150 (his check was initially $1,800...how in the world do you spend that in 3 days???).....so he removed $50 from our joint savings (now at $450) to cover whatever he is in need of buying. This is his 8 withdraw from the savings just this month.

So I went ahead and transferred the other $150 I took back to him, $50 back into the savings and $100 back into the checking and there's more that 10 days before he'll get paid again.

So today I wake up to our joint account being over drawn -$334 because one of his auto-payments on a school debt came out.

So now out joint savings is down to $368 b/c he's withdrawn a few more times.... I go ahead and transfer $335 out of the savings to cover the overdrawn checking checking.... we now have $30 in our joint savings and $.58 in our joint checking.

Ridiculous....but hey, not my problem....well technically it is b/c my name is still on both of the accounts!!!

So I called the bank again today and complained that they would not allow me to remove my names from these accounts when I showed up to the branch.... she claims I was told wrong information....and that I should be able to get a form, but I will have to send it to H, get him to sign it and send it back to me......awesome frown

So I will go today and get this form and attempt to get H to sign and send it back to me promptly. I am so tired of seeing his flakey financial situation and how he's spent the savings I worked so hard to build, he contributed nothing to. 2.5 years worth of money I saved gone in just weeks. He's even spent all of the $4,000 policy money he pulled out a few months ago.

I've printed out all records of the account balances for the last 2 years, showing all of his withdrawls incase having that can be useful in the future.

On a positive note, this as been my only dilemma concerning H... since "letting go"..... I feel much better. No more wishing and wondering when the fog will lift.... accepting that it most likely won't life has been a great help TO ME (I know it's not for everyone). I think about H soooo much less. And I go over the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" almost never, now.

Now my main worries are thinking about dating again....
I was on another forum online and they were discussing how one should NOT date someone who is in the process of divorce, how they should run in to opposite direction and tell the person in divorce process to call them after the divorce is final. I realize many of these people are speaking in ignorance not experience and don't realize that some people are LBS' that have no contact w/ a spouse and some divorces take a while...but still, I worry if I did happen to meet someone that I liked at this point, how to explain my sitch......sheesh. I think I'll just continue to focus on me for now though.

Well I try not to talk about my sitch much... as re-hashing and dwelling isn't always with purpose, just ranting to rant....so I just wanted to rant-slightly/journal and get it out.


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
M
Mimi00 Offline OP
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.... *sigh* H just called to explain why the account over drafted...and said that he plans to take his name off of the accounts in several weeks. I told him I have no connections to the account so it would be smarter to just do it my way.... (all his automatic bills payments and direct deposits are connected, I have no ties to those accounts as I changed my direct deposit already)

He then went on to say he visited a friend in Georgia (so I was right about him going on a trip) who was unfortunately paralyzed recently.... then he met up with another "friend" and that friend's mother wanted the address and name of the paralyzed guy so she could send him cards and pray for him.... H said the mother reminded him of my mother. *sigh*

I'm assuming, but I'm pretty sure it was his X-girlfriend and her mom (he use to live with her and her mom).

Then he went on to talk about his own mom and how he's detaching from the unhealhty relationship he has with her. How she's now homeless, but he doesn't care, he knows it's from her poor actions she displays time and time again (something i told him to do years ago, he always put her needs first and gave her money etc...but NOW he's had the revelation for himself)

Then he went on to brag he's been "smoke free" for four months now (something he lied to me about before marriage, then after marriage when I found out he was a smoker and he said he wouldn't stop)

I felt like crying especially when he said the woman reminded him of my mom as she has no issues going up to people praying for them and encouraging them...*sigh*

I tried several times to end the convo, but he kept talking.

He asked how I was... I kept it brief....said I was ok...same old stuff, nothing much new. He asked about the dog.

Then he asked what times am I available through out the day b/c I work at night.

I said on and off, no specific times.... why??? (because i assume he's asking b/c he wants to call and talk about the dissolution)

He said no specific reason, just wanted to know what was a good time to call in the future. (sure)

This is the first time we've had more than a 2 min conversation in the last 2 months.

I can't wait till he no longer has to call me.
I'm emotional and shaky now. So annoying.


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 463
K
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 463
Mimi I'm really sorry you're back on the emotional rollercoaster. I do so much better as well when I don't have to hear from her or see her name. I'm sure she feels the same about me.

What are your next steps?

What are your GAL plans for the next few days to help get your mind off of things?


H: 29
WAXW: 30

Bomb Drop- 9/9/13
Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14
D Final- 5/21/14
XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
M
Mimi00 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: KdogGS


What are your GAL plans for the next few days to help get your mind off of things?


Hey K, thanks for your reply. Yeah, I've been up and down all day b/c of his call. Just when the thoughts were occurring less...tears for the first time in over a month, through out the day. *ugh* But while at work tonight, I watched a live-stream of a bible study and several things were said that really got my mind back on track....I really needed that.

I've been working 6 days a week all month so making money has been my GAL lol

But tomorrow I'm going to lunch with a young lady I've never met before. My mom met her at the airport while on a layover in the big city near me. From what my mom tells me, she's in her 20's and her husband left her & their daughter and 4 years later they got back together.... but now she is somewhat regretting taking him back and she was crying in the airport to my mother about it and they exchanged numbers.

She asked my mother if I could contact her since we live near each other, so I stepped out out my comfort zone and texted her (old me hates my mom trying to hook me up with people, and I totally would have been negative and rejected meeting up w/ this girl). So we are meeting up tomorrow evening. I purposely picked a restaurant in the neighborhood I may potentially be moving to in a few months when my lease is up; so I can drive around before hand and see the area as well.

Also I made a good friend over the summer in my home-state that I moved from several months ago. She is in her early 20's and has been coming to me to help her w/ direction in life etc... I've helped her w/ getting into church and building her relationship w/ God. She wants to work w/ youth and that what I do, work w/ homeless youth. A position opened at my agency and I got her an interview and she got the job so she'll be moving here in a few weeks. So that will be nice to have someone else I know here.

Also, for the last month I've been working on building a website;I do graphic work as well so I've got a logo etc...together at this point. Just have to figure out what I want to focus on w/ the content of the site. Since I work at night I have a lot of free day time hours and the thing that gets most of my attention during day time hours to keep my mind off my sitch is the internet (most people i know are at work during the day), so I figured I might as well use that time more productively and start a website for fun and encouragement for myself and others and hopefully it will grow into something interesting.


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
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Mimi00 Offline OP
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Posts: 698
I was finally able to get my named removed from our joint accounts today.

I have to give 2 bank documents to my H for it to be finalized.
I scanned the Docs and plan to email them to him.

I also plan for this to be our last real communication as there's nothing more to be said (our bank accounts were the last tie we had).

To my knowledge he has yet to file for dissolution (he never sent the petition to me to sign so it could be filed and the process could start; unless he was able to file alone, I do't think it has been filed)....so there's no need to talk again until the process starts.

Below is the email I plan to send, if any one is out there, Vet's or non-vets, I would love feed back on my letter.....if it's too wordy etc... I'm open to any help

"Good Afternoon,

As of today, my name has been removed from the joint checking and savings accounts. I no longer have access to either. Attached is a PDF file containing 3 pages; please print, date and sign (on line #1 of page 1 and 3 only [should have different account #’s at top]) and have the documents notarized. Then please physically mail them to me (at this address) so that I can return them to the bank and removal can be finalized.

Two weeks ago when I transferred $250 from the joint checking as repayment for the loan I gave you in July you asked for $100 to be returned, I complied. I also ended up returning the remaining $150 back the next day ($100 of it to the checking, $50 to the savings) as the accounts were both very low and you wouldn’t be getting paid again for several days. So the entire balance on the loan is still owed, please let me know how you plan to repay the $300.00 requested from the $600.00 loan and in what time frame.

On page 4 of the Petition for Dissolution it states that there are to be “no canceling, modifying, terminating, or allowing to lapse for nonpayment of premiums, any policies of health insurance, homeowner’s or renters insurance, or automobile insurance that provides coverage to either parties or of any policy of life insurance that names either parties” with out 14 days notice & written permission from me, or a court order. In spite of having this information in your possession you have cancelled health insurance and did not want to reinstate it at the same level of coverage solely for me. The only policy remaining that involves us both , to my knowledge, is the car insurance. I expect you will continue to cover that on my behalf until there is a court order that says differently, as you know I cannot afford to cover it on my own at this time.

Any further communication/exchange of documentation and information, please make through email or mail. Lastly, I ask that my emails concerning these matters remain private and not be forwarded/shared with any parties that are not directly involved in this process.

Thank you & have a good day,"


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
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