Me 14 months on, affair confirmed, someone new?

[hotwheelsaust]

TTD180, thank you for your interest in what else was discussed with the SIL and ex best friend. This will be a long spiel, but here goes.
I will write it as it was said, warts and all. Mostly the conversation was the SIL, then a separate meeting with the ex friend. I allowed both of them to talk, validated to the best of my ability, apologised if and when needed and asked very few questions about the sitch or wife. Mostly I listened. Remember these are people who have been in my life for many, many years. They are part of my sons daily lives and I haven’t seen or spoken to them for over 6 months.
The Wife:
The view from both, is that the W is having the affair. They have asked if she was having the affair more than 6 months ago, but not lately. The affair was denied by the wife. In the families opinion, the wife is having an affair, they are 99.9% sure. The family accepts the other woman, and she has stayed a few times with wife in the SIL’s house and was also invited to the Xmas day celebrations. They don’t necessarily like the woman, but get on with her. The SIL last June actually read some of the texts on the wife’s phone (without her knowledge) and they could only be described as far from just friends texting.
For the most part, the family has accepted that the wife left the marriage for the affair. While they accept and understand that the marriage may have had issues, they also accept those issues probably didn’t warrant the break up of the marriage.
My sons know exactly what every other member of the family knows. Whatever is said with one family member is said or passed to everyone.
The family accepts that the wife finished the marriage or is responsible for the separation, but don’t care or have any concern that I have been hard done by. (Not necessarily my view)
The family are upset that the wife has supposedly left a toxic marriage because she was unhappy, had an affair, but still comes across as unhappy unless she is with the other woman. Also the family do not like the personality changes the wife has made. She has gone from a happy, carefree, loving person who had all the time in the world for family, to a constant texting, abrupt, keeps to herself and angry person. The family can see this very clearly and question why those changes when she is supposedly in a happier place now (?).
Where the wife would have visited on holidays, done things with the boys, SIL and friends. Now she is doing nothing, sitting at a table doing a puzzle by herself. Did not go out with the sons, didn’t visit any of her friends, was very curse to the niece and was simply a zombie.
The discussion with the family from the wife is that once settlement on the assets is done, then the divorce papers will be issued. That was expected in my mind for a long time now. I know there is nothing I can do about that.
The family is sticking with the wife as families do, but are not happy about her behaviour, attitudes or even the way she is handling the separation. They did state they felt they she has been very nasty to me in the way she has gone about all of this. Again this was not really feeling sorry for me, but more it isn’t fair that she is dragging on the asset settlement etc.
The family also don’t like the way the wife is keeping everyone out of the loop. Not explaining what she is doing, planning on doing and being very secretive.
The biggest issue is the wife has changed and not for the better according to the family. They expected that if she left the marriage because she wasn’t happy, then states she is happy with the other woman. Then they expect her to be happy even when spending time with the family. This just isn’t happening.

The Sons:
Because of the way the family members discuss everything, the sons are aware that their mum is most likely having an affair with the other woman. They are also aware that this is most likely the reason for the separation.
The sons accept and understand that I could have been better as a father and husband. And that some of the things I demonstrated back in those days were not great.
In some ways the relationship I had with the boys pre BD was better than post BD. I don’t know why. Maybe the boys are just waiting for me to go back to the old ways and find it difficult it isn’t happening, and that is constantly on their mind. Maybe they are just waiting for that big blow up, who knows.
The sons are certainly using the SIL as a surrogate mother and her house as their family home. They come and go when they please, eat, sleep and visit all the time.
The sons get a phone call from their mum once a week, but this call rarely lasts more than 2 minutes. Xmas presents are given that don’t represent their mum even knowing what they want or do anymore. Eg, the youngest was given an xbox game, when he hasn’t played for over a year. He doesn’t care about doing that anymore. At least I got bonus points (not that this is a game to win) by giving him a very useful socket set while he is doing the van up.
This hurt big time. The boys don’t like me ringing up. I don’t know how to handle this or change the way I do this. I have made it a point not to talk about their mum during the phone calls, nor talk about me. But to focus on what they are doing, to validate what they have done and to be upbeat and positive while talking to them. So to hear that they dread the calls coming through, has really hit me hard.
The boys don’t want to hear anything about their mum from me. Even though I have stopped asking them their views or opinions or giving my views, occasionally she will come up in a conversation. For example the youngest son was stating he saw a movie with his mum and SIL. I asked how is mum? Has she gained or lost weight? Got a haircut etc? So it seems I need to shut my mouth with regards to anything about their mum.
ME:
I p**sed the family off by putting the tattoo picture on Facebook. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I asked if they knew what it meant. No they didn’t but they were told by the Wife it was taken out of context. Again it seems that everything I do or say is taken out of context.
The family and friend understand that the wife did separate most likely because of the affair. The reality is, they don’t care about me or my emotions with regards to this. As far as they are concerned, the wife did wrong, but I didn’t do right.
A question was raised about whether I actually cared about my marriage over this separation time. This was one of the only times I put my point across very defiantly. I explained I have spent many countless hours working on my issues, seeking help from counsellors and forums, spending much money on counsellors etc, have tried so many different ways to win the wife back…… and how dare they ask do I CARE FOR MY MARRIAGE…….yes I do and did. The friend actually agreed with me on that, he didn’t think at all that I didn’t care for the marriage. But it was a question that has been raised.
The family agreed that I cannot do anything right. It was put to me this way. Pick door A, B or C. Whichever door I pick I will lose. There is no right door. So whatever I do with my sons, for my marriage or for me, they won’t agree or like it, they will find something that I have done wrong.
Even when I sent the courtesy message to the SIL saying I will no longer pay board for my son. I did wrong. I sent it on my son’s birthday. I sent it to the SIL not the son, but again, I am at fault.
I am at fault for coming back to the city, but would have been at fault if I stayed in the country. I am at fault for discussing the wife with the sons, but it is ok for the family to discuss the wife with them.
They feel that I am being ridiculous for questioning going to the DIL’s 21st. That I should accept the w is bringing the OW and that is ok, just get on with it.
I asked how everyone would feel if I brought a girlfriend with me. Yes, I would be the worst person in the world if I did that and very disrespectful to all.
The MIL was peeved off also at the son’s 21st party when she asked what school I was going to this year. When I replied I don’t know yet, then she took that as me lying to her. My view was I wasn’t going to tell anyone in the family as I didn’t know whether it would have forced the wife to do something with the solicitor or someone talking and telling the new school rumours. Not to mention I didn’t want anyone to know before the boys knew. That also was a big issue from the family that I didn’t tell the boys what school I was going to. I explained that one, a change for me is not to talk about me anymore, but to wait to be asked something. Two, the boys only asked if I was coming back to the region/area, and I replied yes. Simply neither boy asked what school was I going to work at.
A positive amongst all this stuff. The family were very impressed with how I handled myself at the son’s 21st. So I know I can do something right. They liked that I moved around the place talking to different people. They compared me to the wife, who sat at the one table, didn’t move and only spoke to the same one or two people all night.
So where to now?
Firstly I have to work out how and what to do about my son’s views about me. I need to completely not talk one bit about the wife to them.
Secondly, as per Sandi’s rules, I need to fully remember that whatever I say to anyone, including my son’s, will be told to the whole family.
Thirdly, the family don’t care about whether the wife is having an affair, or whether she isn’t as happy as she was (as long as she still visits and talks to them) and they certainly don’t care that I was hard done by and am trying to do my best in this bad situation.
Fourth, the family just want to be happy. A perfect example would be if someone was in hospital with every bone broken and was asked how are you today? Most people would just answer the basic fine. That would then keep the family happy. They wouldn’t ask or care anymore.
Fifth, still work on me. It seems I have a long way to go if everything I do is still viewed as being wrong.
Sixth, start to really question, do I want to be back with this family? Is the wife really worth it, based on who she has become and how everything is treated, viewed or discussed around the family.
Ok, that was it warts and all. I am sure I will think of so much more later. Mostly this was put down, so I could relate back to it sometime down the road. I know and accept that I should have when meeting up with the SIL and friend, simply shut up and not talk about the sitch. But it is hard, very hard, not too. I am not getting the chance to work on the rules from Sandi with regular meetings with the family.


F and TTD180, I agree that I do need to go to the party, whether I feel disrespected or not by the wife and/or family. I will be going to celebrate the future DIL's 21st, and supporting my sons. End of story.

[planet]

Thank you for sharing your story.
It puts a lot of perspective of what the family (WAS and your own) views the situation.

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks planet, basically the family is the wife's family (MIL, FIL, SIL).

[JayMan]

HWaust - so is W gay now? Or was she faking being straight? Just curious.

[hotwheelsaust]

JonF, I don't believe she ever faked being straight. If she faked it, she did a bloody good job for over 25 years.
I think she reached rock bottom with the marriage, this other woman (who was known for preening woman) come along and in my opinion took advantage of my wife.
So according to my wife telling her mother that she and the other woman are a couple now, I can only presume that she is gay/lesbian whatever you want to call her. I do believe it is a pa, not an EA which I would have talked about way in the beginning. If anything, I would presume now that the affair started even before BD.

[MileHigh]

JF, my brother's 2nd wife seemed to be the happiest, most domestic, slightly conservative housewife in the world. Since their divorce, she's a dedicated, liberal, feminist lesbian. I think it's hard to pin down how a label applies to someone - was she gay all along? Was she tired of being hurt by men and made the decision to change? Was she always struggling with this? All large issues and too much speculation from outside the sitch.

Not criticizing you for asking - it is something that people are going to be curious about in a sitch like this. And I hope I'm not making HWA feel bad... just an observation because I've seen a similar situation.

The pain is the same, weather it's an OW or OM for you, HWA, I understand. HWA, in the book I'm reading on surviving affairs, it mentions the feeling that our spouse is used/taken advantage of... I feel that strongly in my sitch, too. But,we also must remember that they made a conscious decision (lots of decisions, really) to be unfaithful. So, we mustn't put them on a pedestal. Also, although we must understand our contribution to marital unhappiness that lead to our partner's having affairs - we must not take on too much of the blame. I know you understand your part, as you've stated.

Just don't carry too much of the weight of that cross, brother. Let us help you shoulder it.

[labug]

Maybe she's bi and while I can imagine it's difficult for a spouse to understand, it doesn't change who she is or was.

[TryingToDo180]

I agree with MH You shouldn't take too much of the blame. Look after yourself, GAL regularly and be the best that you can be Sorry to hear that your sons are dreading your phone calls each week, maybe you could lay off them for a while and let them take the first steps.
Remember me telling you about a friend I have that was a mutual friend to both me and my H? She started ignoring me for no reason at all and blocked me on FB. I saw her the other day and just said "hi", she looked at me and said very aggressively "don't speak to me!" You know what I thought? Well it's her loss and karma will catch her up
Stay strong and be the better person HWA We're all rooting for you

[MileHigh]

My book covers the alienation/distance that can arise with friends and family, too. It's often that they just don't know how to deal with the feelings that the A brings up in them, but it can come off as judgement.

HWA, I posted the title on FB. If you are interested, and don't see it, I can PM it to you.

TTD - some friends we lose in the D or separation, for sure! That was harsh. Good on you for your reaction!

[MileHigh]

"My book" sound like I wrote it. LOL