One giant leap forward! - Part 10

[T1000]

Old Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2421629&page=1

[T1000]

Appointment with L today to start D proceedings.

Had a few downs with the W this week:

Tuesday
Me: If convenient can I Skype the kids tonight?
W: I've got a lot on this week tbh. I can't guarantee a time or day so if it's ok with you, the boys will just see you at 3pm Friday when you collect them.
Me: Okay. If by the off chance it is convenient 4-6ish one day can you let me know? Do you want the cats bringing this Friday?

W: I've had time to think about the cats and I'm worried they are going to spray all over the house. I am prepared to try and have them here on the condition that if they don't settle by Sunday you take them back. Also need their vaccination books and had their jabs within the year for the cattery.
Me: Are you saying I need to have had them vaccinated?
W: Are they not?
Me: No, I'm struggling to afford to feed them.
W: It cost £7 a month for a large bag of dry cat food. 35g a day each. I'm sure if you can afford to take (friend) out for dinner then you can afford to feed two cats. Priorities were never your strong point!
Me: The credit card we took out 22 months ago to pay for the windows has come out of it's promotional period. It's an extra £120 a month on top of the extra CSA iis taking off me. I can't afford to feed them anything.
W: How have you funded your nights out & your new girlfriend. Maybe you should start selling stuff like I've had to to cover my bills. And can I also remind you that you never paid me money for 3 months...saving yourself £900. Maybe you should have used that money to pay off a chunk of your credit card that paid for the windows to your house that you live in! Ask (friend) for some rent money.
Me: You have been on vacation twice in the last two months. I was offered a free week away but had to turn it down because I can't afford to pay for my own food. The credit card changed in October so it's more like £540 which doesn't make much of a dent in £11000. I've had the cats for 18 months now. I don't want them, I don't want to spend money I don't have on them and they desreve to be loved by someone who loves cats and that is never going to be me.
W: Remortage the house to clear your debts if you're struggling that much!
Me: If I set up the remortgage will you agree to it?
W: The first vacation I never paid for. The balance of the second was paid for by Christmas money. I had to sell my laptop and take out a credit card just to feed us while you were out partying.
W: Yes I'll agree to it but I want a half decent offer of a payout and I'll take my name off it and settle for a quick divorce.
Me: What do you see as a half decent pay out?
W: You tell me? I'm looking to get back into work within the next few months. I don't always want to live in a rented house. I need a decent amount that I can save towards for a deposit for a real house for the boys & I to live in.
Me: £4000 and we keep your car out of it.
W: I've sold the car. Couldn't afford it
Me: The car or it's monetary value is a joint asset and like I said, keep that out of it i.e. you keep the asset in whatever form.
Me: How do you get the kids to nursery?
W: We fly!
W: If that's the case then your shares and dividends will also be a joint asset...as well as everything in the house including the equipment under the stairs. As well as tv's, computers, projector and anything else you appear to have because after all I left with nothing. I have absolutely nothing to lose so carry on.
Me: Carry on what? I'm not trying to be funny. Your car is the only other major asset because it's wot=rth four figures. You want a quick divorce and an offer and I gave you one.
W: You're the one wanting the quick divorce. I'm in no hurry! 6k and we have a deal.
Me: I will get back to you.
W: How much are you able to remortage it?
Me: It was enough to cover mortgage, loan and overdraft and be left with the credit card. Instead of covering the overdarft I will use that for the divorce settlement. Will probably have to start again now as that was October.


Wednesday
W: It kills me to say this but I've had time to think and I will not be taking the cat's. I can not take on 3 cats and 2 kids all on my own. I'm learning to stop taking on more than I can handle and I'd be kidding myself if I think I can manage any more than I already have on my plate.
Me: Right
W: As I'm changing my name back just to let you know I'll be registering the kids under (her maiden name) too but keeping their legal name as (my name).
Me: What does tha mean?
W: The kids will be known as (her name) to everyone.
W: Nursery, school, doctors, friedns etc.
Me: Why?
W: Don't want the kids having a different surname from me.
Me: That makes two of us.
Me: How do you think this is going to work with the kids? They are young but they know thier own names.
Me: By law a child must be registered by their legal name at school and doctors.
W: Re read my message!
Me: I don't think it's fair on the kids.
W: The kids won't even know any different. Their life is here. We are a family unit and it's just easier this way going forward.

Later in the day:
W: (Pic) of some autism course.
W: Course I think you should attend.
W: I'm in this other course that finishes at 3pm. I need to know asap if you want to attend.
Me: No thanks, I can't make it.
W: Just another course you are not prepared to attend.


My shares are worth very little and my dividends aren't actually paying anything. She took a TV and a laptop. She has sold her car which in theory was half mine. My laptop is owned by the company.

I understand her wanting the same name as the kids. Looking into it I can take her to court and prevent the "known as" name from happening. I plan to ask my L about it today. She lives in so much of her bubble she doesn't have a clue. Their passports and official documenst will have their original surname. Thats how they will be known when they are with me. Poor S4 won't understand, as if he hasn't got enough on his plate. Makes me so angry!!

[T1000]

Also means she can never drive the kids to me and I can't skype the kids.
Great stuff!!

[Fartiltre]

T,

Good to hear from you again!
IMHO you need to get all of these matters solved by law or W will just keep coming at you!

Stop arguing with her...nothing good have ever come from that. You are still trying to convince her into your opinion. You can’t! IMHO she is not open to arguing and she is out to hurt you! State your opinion, feeling or thought but stop defending them so much - it leads to arguments and hurtful words every time. (Just my 2c)

What is your Ls opinion about her taking and selling the car – wasn’t that a shared asset?

She makes me somewhat mad on your behalf!

This must be rough but I am certain that in time you will get through this, T

All the best!
F

[T1000]

Hi F,

I agree. Funny thing is this is me holding back a massive amount. Previously I would have argued and argued about the name change.

I will be asking L about selling the car this afternoon.

I feel like I'm taking most of it in my stride and it doesn't really slow me down much. The name change hurts though I do admit.

[labug]

Let the lawyers handle it.

The name change I'm sure it difficult for you but either they have your name or they have her name. Is it a hill you want to die on?

[Fartiltre]

I would have been hurt MAJOR by a name-change so I understand....perhaps it is a guy-thing!

Take this up with L - take it all up with L and get those boundaries settled. She will continue IMHO!

I know you are holding back compared to earlier on but - again only my opinion - you need to back out totally. I can see that her crazy statements about OW doesnt bite. React the same way to all the others and if she demands an answer then "I will think about it!"

[labug]

Set a text boundary.(I might have said this before) You will text with her about kid logistics and that's it. When it turns to anther subject you stop. "Have a good day wife. Can't talk about this now" and then let the L do her/his thing.

You both go on and on and nothing ever gets settled.

I feel for you but back off.

[AnotherStander]

UGH! You're getting drawn into the vortex again Don't let her redirect the conversation, just stick to the subject:

W: It cost £7 a month for a large bag of dry cat food. 35g a day each. I'm sure if you can afford to take (friend) out for dinner then you can afford to feed two cats. Priorities were never your strong point!

Me: The credit card we took out 22 months ago to pay for the windows has come out of it's promotional period. It's an extra £120 a month on top of the extra CSA iis taking off me. I can't afford to feed them anything.

I am not going to keep the cats any longer. If you don't want them then let me know and I will give them to a shelter.

W: How have you funded your nights out & your new girlfriend. Maybe you should start selling stuff like I've had to to cover my bills. And can I also remind you that you never paid me money for 3 months...saving yourself £900. Maybe you should have used that money to pay off a chunk of your credit card that paid for the windows to your house that you live in! Ask (friend) for some rent money.

Me: You have been on vacation twice in the last two months. I was offered a free week away but had to turn it down because I can't afford to pay for my own food. The credit card changed in October so it's more like £540 which doesn't make much of a dent in £11000. I've had the cats for 18 months now. I don't want them, I don't want to spend money I don't have on them and they desreve to be loved by someone who loves cats and that is never going to be me.

I am paying your support, beyond that my personal finances are my concern.

W: If that's the case then your shares and dividends will also be a joint asset...as well as everything in the house including the equipment under the stairs. As well as tv's, computers, projector and anything else you appear to have because after all I left with nothing. I have absolutely nothing to lose so carry on.

Me: Carry on what? I'm not trying to be funny. Your car is the only other major asset because it's wot=rth four figures. You want a quick divorce and an offer and I gave you one.

If we can't agree then we will resolve through our lawyers.

W: As I'm changing my name back just to let you know I'll be registering the kids under (her maiden name) too but keeping their legal name as (my name).

Me: What does tha mean?

I will discuss the ramifications with my lawyer.

Your W does not want to be friends with you, in fact she seems devoted to being as miserable, angry and mean to you as she possibly can. She pushes your buttons at every opportunity and revels in it when you respond in kind. So quit responding in kind! Be as businesslike, detached and unemotional with her as you can. I think it will be much better for your emotional well-being in the long run! I understand you're probably trying to placate her so you can get the most visition with the kids that you can, but it's NOT WORKING. She's using the kids against you at every opportunity. I would suggest that if you want to Skype with them, get it in the D paperwork. The only way she's going to give you an inch is if she's legally forced to.

[sandi2]

Looks as if everything may need to go through the lawyers b/c contact with her is hopeless. She will never stop taking every shot she can get at you. Now that you have a girlfriend, she will really get ugly b/c it's eating her up.

Don't say anything else about the cats.

You may need to appoint someone to be the go-between in the needed contacts regarding kids. Don't give opportunity to get drawn in. I know couples who got D and never contacted each other over kids information again. At least not by phone or email. She doesn't want a D b/c she's had all this power over you by using the kids as leverage. Once D, she will have to let you see them as the court dictates.

If you could learn to laugh at her and say something like, "If you say so", and she saw she couldn't push your buttons, she might stop......but I don't know. Heck, she pushes my buttons!