I think you handled the exchange well. Not sure what the vets would say... I will follow up.
Meanwhile (((((((HUGS)))))))
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'm only going to comment about the text exchange. Don't try to change her mind or convince her of what a nice guy you are.
If you want to pick him up at 9 and it's not a negotiation don't ask if that's OK.
It might go better if you had the pick-up time pinned down at the same time the drop-off is decided, even down to who's doing the driving.
Don't get into the who did what back and forth with her, it serves no purpose.
I would be keeping a journal of changes you both decide to make.
Do you think you have anything to feel guilty about?
Quote:
How can a mother see her child in that much pain like she did on Christmas Eve and not wonder if this is the right path??
You don't know that she doesn't, she just handles it differently.
Some people think if they ignore a child's pain/emotions, everything will be just fine. (I could go on a rant here, but won't.)
Could you talk with XW about having a transition time at drop-off, where the two of you read a story to S or play a short game? Something that you do every time that's enjoyable for him.
Do you always wait until the last minute to tell him he's going back to mom's? That's ignoring his emotions in a different way. How might you do that differently.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Seriously, C, you need to learn to see this stuff with different eyes.
I just read about a seriously disturbed woman verbally abusing her son and behaving in a completely unacceptable way that should be ignored at the very least. I would have advised that son to draw some serious boundaries with that woman, to possibly stop interacting with her and consider cutting ties.
That son, on the other hand, is beating himself up wondering what he did, and feeling guilt and anxiety, and wondering what he could have done different to make this disturbed woman behave in a more loving way.
Are you kidding me?
That was nothing about you. Train yourself to not see that as your fault, and to walk away from it rather than looking for what you could do different to make her ok. She's not ok, and in all likelihood will never be. You just don't act like that to your son, you just don't. That's not about you.
You can't win because you're playing the wrong game. Don't play it, and then you'll be the winner.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
With regard to IC and guilt - yeah, it for sure has come up. She believes that I am beating myself up because I think "If I only" a lot. If I only would have done things differently, if I only would have been a better husband, etc. - so I feel guilty for feeling like I am still dropping the ball. She basically has told me that I have more than owned my piece of the puzzle and at this point it is her....not me.
My mom battles a lot with depression. Her temper flares and she says terrible things to me, my dad, my sister....been going on most of my adult life. She plays the victim a lot. I think she wanted to be angry about not being able to be at my house whenever she wanted...and I asked for about a 10 minute buffer. She is mad at XW and took it out on me. Everyone came over this morning to see my son open his presents -- everyone except my mom. She left the house without telling anyone where she was going. Her loss. It was fun....and my son even asked where she was.
This is why I stressed when I knew they were moving here. It can totally destroy the peace I had here for 15 years living alone.
No major news or movement. S is in IA with XW right now and won't be back till Sunday. Over the past few days she has sent pictures of him - but I did not respond. Finally today I texted and said thanks for sending the pictures - that it looked like S was having a great time. Just asked her to keep warm (it's crazy cold out there) and to give S a hug for me. That's been pretty much it in terms of communication.
What I am really wrestling with right now is whether or not I should talk to her about everything that happened with S during the transition on Christmas Eve (see previous post). There had been a previous incident where he had a major breakdown about transitioning from one house to the other while I was dropping him off at preschool -- he sobbed uncontrollably and clung to me like a vine. When I later called the school to see if he was doing better they said he wasn't himself and kept telling the teachers and aides that he didn't want his mom to come get him, that he wanted his dad to come get him. He even peed on himself which is highly, highly atypical for him.
Later, when I tried to express concern to XW (texting) about the incident she said "I am not going to assign adult emotions to a three-year-olds antics". At that point, I stopped typing. "Antics"....she called it "antics". I know that what I saw was nothing in that category at all.
I guess I say all of that to ask if a broader discussion is warranted with XW about her taking the emotions and feelings of S more seriously. Thus far, it appears to me that her choice is to avoid or minimize them. I am partially of the belief that this is done to avoid having to confront some of the negatives from the decision to D. I don't mean to confront her from a "look what you've done" standpoint, but from a "we should take this more serously at this age" standpoint. I mean, he said he hated her. I have NEVER heard him use that word in reference to anyone or anyTHING for that matter -- ever. The first time I hear it out of his mouth it's in reference to his mother? Shouldn't she be a little concerned? Am I off base?
Anyhow, just thinking out loud I guess. It was really, really, really hard for me to see S in that much pain and then have to walk away from him when I knew he needed/wanted me. The moment was haunting and gut-wrenching and I can't see how XW was not impacted by it. It was truly one of the worst experiences I have had in this whole process.
Your boundaries with W? You are doing well, especially in light of the story of your relationship with your mother. Look how far you've come in changing the way you react to these behaviours.
Crimson, I am new to your situation, and I am sorry for the emotions your son is going through. I don't know what the custody arrangements are, but it sounds like you are both part of his life.
Does he look like he is having fun there? She may have sent the pics to let you see him having a good time.
We aren't physically separated but we don't go anywhere as a family. I don't pursue, and the few times I do, it is shot down. So either the kids go out with W, or with me. And D5 is picking up on that. When I take them somewhere, she says, "Mommy isn't coming AGAIN? That Mommy."
You brought it up once, maybe if you bring it up again by a slightly different route and then drop it unless/until you see this behavior again from S? Maybe he was just having a bad day.
You sound like a very good Dad. Let that encourage you.
_________________________ Me: 37 W: 37 M: 11 D:5 S:2 IDLYA, W removed rings, BD 07/13 EA/Fantasy (PA?) confirmed 12/13 W moved out 05/14
