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I think holidays sparked a lot of romantic feelings to which we freak out about afterwards. Do you feel you're being pushed into something you're not comfortable with?


Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
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No, I'm not being pushed at all, i think i may be doing the pushing. He's the WAS who didn't want to discuss any chance of reconciling..If I could have anything in the world it would be reconciling and being with him... we're divorced, have been for about a year. I NEVER thought we would be here and honestly I'm not sure where "this is". I'm all over the place with my GAL and what I should/shouldnt be doing. i don't want to over or under do it, but I'm not sure as to what to do next.


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It's a crazy balancing act, isn't it? Has he contacted you yet? I wonder if the regular dating rules are what you'd need to expect at this point. You went out for drinks and made out a bit, it's like a date here no?


Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
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Yes it is. He hasn't contacted me since texting me "happy new year baby"... I'm wondering if they do as well. I'm hoping to get some insight from the board. I pretty much do NC with him until I feel the urge, but it seems as he does NC with me either. What if we both are DBing with one another? What do you do there?


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Well you do something until it stops working right?Eventually you're contacting him and he would respond in kind. In this case you invited him out for a romantic setting and it worked…I say give him a couple days of space (like you would after a date) and give him a chance to respond. Gives you time to reflect on what the next steps should be based on how the situation rolled out..that's just my 2 cents, they're probably worth half wink


Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
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Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
then out of no where a little bit of hope to hold on to and now I'm crying the same tears all over again. Wondering why did he reach out, why did he make it seem as though he wanted to see me again?


What happened to that strong, independent person that you said you had made yourself into in the last year? You have GOT to quit having such lofty expectations!! Here's a blurb from what I posted to you earlier:

"You ask what the rules are at this point. Well, first, do not have any expectations!! Let him drive the pace. Don't look at this as getting your old M back, look at it like you're dating someone new. You know how when you start dating someone you're a little mysterious? You're independent, have your own life, and you keep them guessing as to whether you're interested or not? THAT is how you need to be now too. Sure you have a history together, but in many ways it IS starting over again. And just like when you were dating, HE needs to earn YOUR respect and admiration. Make him work for it."

DROP the expectations, they will do nothing but derail you and drive him away. Expect NOTHING. Make HIM earn YOUR respect and admiration. FOCUS on what we are telling you, you've gotten great advice here but you dismiss it and go right back to old habits. Get out. GAL. Quit expecting to reconcile and focus on YOU. The stronger and more independent you are, the more he might be attracted back to you.

Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
So I'm here at a tipping point of my life realizing that one, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. Two, I'd like to believe there is hope after being apart and now divorced, three that I've got to make necessary changes in order to have a lasting relationship with my ex or someone else...


GOOD thoughts, now get back in touch with THAT attitude!

Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
I'm all over the place with my GAL and what I should/shouldnt be doing. i don't want to over or under do it, but I'm not sure as to what to do next.


Again from my previous post to you:

"Second, remember your DB'ing! Much of DB'ing is for life. Remember to keep your GAL activities, even if you reconcile and remarry you still need to keep your own identity to keep the M healthy. Being a little codependent in marriage is normal, but being too codependent is harmful to the M."

Originally Posted By: heartbroken5
What if we both are DBing with one another? What do you do there?


DB'ing is giving the WAS time and space to sort things through, but don't get confused about what he's doing, he is NOT giving you time and space because he wants you back, he's distancing because he's "done" and is a WAS. He's showing some interest again and started pursuing you a little, but you CANNOT pursue him or he'll run. Do you know the squirrel analogy?

"If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally reach out to you."


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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LOVE the squirrel analogy AnotherStander!!


M-38;H38
M15
D13 & D7
BD 3/2012


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Thank you so much...This is exactly what I needed to read today. You are so right about everything. I need to go back and focus... My expectations are killing me and pulling me back and making me regress.


Heartbroken5
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"If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will quickly run the other way and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally reach out to you."

I recently scared my squirrel away. Hehe.

Expectations are a killer. It's hard to do but we all need to remove expectations. My ex always had expectation of me. It creates unwarranted resentment and pain.


Me-35 Com law-28
S-3
T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu
1st bu- 2/2012
Rec-4/2013
2nd bu-10/2013
IC-2 yrs(anger issues)
MC- 5 mnths-fail
OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14
New OM ~10/4/14
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I believe that I could have as well 2TH. I've been back on track with GAL and staying busy. What are somethings that you do when you find your mind wandering and focusing in on the WAS? I said I would try some type of exercise that I despise and do 3 sets... lol.


Heartbroken5
Me:38|H:40
Together: 10 years
Married:5
BD: May 2013
No children
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