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Song Lyrics:

"Look at me, I'm not the same person that I use to be
since a change has come over me.
You won't believe the things that I've through
since the last time you heard from me.

Now I see so much clearer
I feel so much better
I've come through stormy weather, I've got my self together.

Now the days are much brighter
The load is much lighter
You are my hearts desire
Your love has taken me higher

Say goodbye to yesterday
Because tomorrow will bring a brighter day, yes it will

Now that I'm here, I really don't have a thing to fear
I'm at a place where I can here His voice so clear
and it sounds like music, music in my ear

I can do the impossible
Expect the incredible
Fight the unbeatable
Reach the unreachable

Now my days are much brighter
The load is much lighter
You are my heart's desire
Your love has taken me higher

Say goodbye to yesterday

I don't cry any more
I take my burden's to the Lord

Say goodbye to yesterday

Forgetting those things that are behind me
I'm pressing on....I've been there too long
I refuse, to keep going over the things I've done wrong
It's time to sing a brand new song..."


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
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Mimi00 Offline OP
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I've taken a break from my own thread for a while, I believe this will be my final thread. I made the decision to drop the rope on new years if there were no changes, and I took the first steps to do so tonight because nothing has changed in the slightest from doing LRT.

So I've just blocked my H on all social media, deleted his number from my phone. We haven't had any communication this month other than him sending me a text on Christmas that said:

"Merry Christmas 'Mimi'!"
and I replied "Same to you, 'Alien H'"

I think that was the first time I've not responded "happily" to him, I didn't really care to say it back in response...

This month he's posted things online such as "I don't regret this life I have chosen" and he's openly posting pics of him and his coworker (possible OW, not sure, she did recently dump her boyfriend as well) when they go snowboarding together almost every weekend, on his social media.

His cousin commented on one of his photos "I see you've got a snowbunny now as well" and H just laughed in response. It's slightly embarrassing because none of my family knows about H leaving (except my parents and sibling) and they are all friends with H.... so while his face book still says "Married" he's posting pics with this lady.

And her family is posting pictures of H; bought him Christmas gifts and included him in their holiday photos. (clearly I snooped a few times this month) so blocking him is a good thing. I will no longer be happily scrolling down my new feeds/timelines and then have a pic or status H posted show on there and ruin my mood/cause my heart to sink into my stomach. I blocked his sister too, then I felt bad and unblocked her.... then i saw that "blocking" automatically "un-friends" the person. Oops. O well....so then I re-blocked her lol

The last thing I have to do in order to be fully seperated from my H, is remove my name from our joint accounts. I will wait until the next time I get paid, to make sure my Direct deposit was changed properly.

My H still has not filed for dissolution, to my knowledge, as he still has not sent me the petition paper work to sign. Maybe he's waiting until the holidays are over?

Regardless... I've printed out the steps for dissolution from his state on how to file and what will be needed from me. So I can have everything on my end filled out and notarized so when he does finally send the petition for me to sign, I will have everything else ready to go....hopefully I won't have to drag this process too far into 2014.

I hope everyone had a great holiday (as best one could) and I hope every one steps in to the new year with a bit more confidence; knowing you are loved, special and of great worth.


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 463
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Hi Mimi,

It sounds like you have taken the steps to detach. Great job on blocking and unfriending, that will help a lot with detachment, it definitely did for me.

I like the separation from the joint accounts idea, and your plan to make sure the direct deposit switched successfully. Hopefully it's not too much of a pain to get your name removed.

You gave yourself a timeline, and are sticking to it. Well done! I hope 2014 treats you well. You have us here for support whenever you need us!


H: 29
WAXW: 30

Bomb Drop- 9/9/13
Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14
D Final- 5/21/14
XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Mimi, I think you're doing the right thing to protect yourself, but take it from a fellow rope-dropper, it is a much slower process than you expect it to be! It's not as simple as doing steps A,B and C and it's done. It's a mental and emotional process that takes months and months. There will be times that you think "I've really dropped the rope" and then a month later you'll say "wow, I thought I had dropped the rope but can see now I didn't, but I really have this time" then a month later you realize you're STILL in the process. Someone here posted a long time ago that they had boldly announced that they had dropped the rope on these forums but later realized that they were quietly clinging to it behind their back where no one else could see, LOL! I think we all do that at first. So be patient with yourself and don't expect it to happen quickly. Keep working on you and eventually when you simply don't care that your H posted a snow bunny pic you'll realize it's done and you've moved on.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
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Originally Posted By: KdogGS
Hi Mimi,

It sounds like you have taken the steps to detach. Great job on blocking and unfriending, that will help a lot with detachment, it definitely did for me.

I like the separation from the joint accounts idea, and your plan to make sure the direct deposit switched successfully. Hopefully it's not too much of a pain to get your name removed.

You gave yourself a timeline, and are sticking to it. Well done! I hope 2014 treats you well. You have us here for support whenever you need us!

Thanks K. Yes, I am a woman of my word and I am sticking to my plan.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Mimi, I think you're doing the right thing to protect yourself, but take it from a fellow rope-dropper, it is a much slower process than you expect it to be! It's not as simple as doing steps A,B and C and it's done. It's a mental and emotional process that takes months and months. There will be times that you think "I've really dropped the rope" and then a month later you'll say "wow, I thought I had dropped the rope but can see now I didn't, but I really have this time" then a month later you realize you're STILL in the process. Someone here posted a long time ago that they had boldly announced that they had dropped the rope on these forums but later realized that they were quietly clinging to it behind their back where no one else could see, LOL! I think we all do that at first. So be patient with yourself and don't expect it to happen quickly. Keep working on you and eventually when you simply don't care that your H posted a snow bunny pic you'll realize it's done and you've moved on.

Thanks for your insight AS. I definitely know it's a process when it comes to what's on the inside. My post probably comes off w/ the feel "STEP A B C" because we have no property to separate etc... It's just signing & filing the different parts of the paper work, no need for back and forth on anything. So that's why I'm saying I want to get it over with so I don't have to drag having to deal with him too much further in my life... but I definitely I know the mental/emotional end will take time though.

My blocking him isn't because it hurts me to see his photos necessarily, but it's b/c I simply no longer care to see what he's doing and I don't want him to have access to my life in any form either. I don't have any feelings when I see the pics w/ the possible OW. She's been in his life for a few years now, and I told him I didn't like the relationship 2 years ago, he said it was nothing. Then he followed her to where she lives now, thousands of miles away and acted like it wasn't b/c of her. So the pics are just confirmation for me, nothing more...

I don't know what the definition of dropping the rope is for everyone, but for me, it means:

- I am no longer standing for my marriage. I understand "fog lifting" could take years, but I don't have years to waste in waiting. I want to travel in the next year or so and have someone to share life with. I want children....etc...etc..etc...

- I know my feelings for him aren't gone and I still get emotional when I hear or remember certain things.... I know that will take time. But the key for me is, I am no longer afraid to lose those feelings b/c of my "hope" for him returning.

- I finally took off my ring and I may see what I can get for it at a pawn shop lol

- I am only worrying about myself now. During DB I've only been concerned about how I've hurt him, what my wrongs were...now I can now figure out how to deal with the multitude of hurt he caused me over the years with his lies, words and attitude....and how to heal from this abandonment and not carry it into future relationships.

- And last, possibly putting my self out there for a date or two...

While GALing with other women for the past few months has been nice, it's slightly a bore for me lol I miss having a male presence. I've lived alone for a year now, it's been 9 months of DB and 6 months since BD...I want to go to a nice dinner with a man, I want to be picked up, taken out and told I look nice. Someone to chat with on the phone that's not a girl who wants me to give advice on her problems!


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 463
K
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Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 463
Mimi,
I see great things ahead for you in 2014! Your rope dropping will be a process as AS mentioned. Is there a thread somewhere that outlines exactly what "dropping the rope" is and is not? I don't mean to be harsh, but it seems like it's giving up. Is that accurate? I mean, I feel like I have to, I'm on some dating sites, and have some women that seem interested in me right now. So I guess I'm at the drop the rope point too since W is hellbent on getting rid of me quickly.


H: 29
WAXW: 30

Bomb Drop- 9/9/13
Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14
D Final- 5/21/14
XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 698
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Mimi00 Offline OP
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I don't know if there is a set definition around here for "dropping the rope" maybe someone else can chime in on that?

To me it is an acceptance of defeat when it comes to my H/marriage...
Sure it can be seen as giving up.
I am no longer in a tug or war with my self (because my H doesnt even know there was a battle....his end of the rope was let go the day of BD...hes living life w/o concern for me....he doesnt even know I still have hope for the marriage to be in a tug or war.)

It's not however a defeat personally, I have grown through the process and will continue to grow. I've learned the art of letting go gracefully...and in that sense, I won.

As far as your own rope drop....that would be up to you, but saying you "guess" makes me wonder if you are really ready to? Only you know when you should do so.
You say your wife seems hellbent on getting rid of you.....thats the story of the majority of our WAS' s. So should that be your reason to drop?

The week on BD 6 months ago for me, my H screamed at me to leave him alone and said when he's "done with something (he's) done!" And he hasn't once changed his mind (that I know of) since that day. I could have dropped the rope that day....I made the decision to stand instead and let the process and pain mature me.

6 months later I feel there's nothing else I can learn from this sitch from staying in the same position, holding on would now only be a source of sadness not growth, so I feel its time it time focus on healing and that doesnt include continuing to reserve a space in my brain for H...it cant happen if I am still telling my self he will be back so think positive b/c of that...I have to be positive for me alone. I haven't second guessed my decision.....yet..... lol AS could very well be correct I may pick the rope back up. But i truly dont plan to as of today. I feel my job now is to take what i have learned and share it to help others....time for me to create a purpose for my pain.

Funny, as I was typing this from my phone I got a call from him....I didn't answer.


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
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Originally Posted By: Mimi00

My post probably comes off w/ the feel "STEP A B C" because we have no property to separate etc...


I didn't mean to imply that, what I was really trying to say is that, at least to me, I -thought- dropping the rope would be a simple process of just deciding I was dropping it and it would be done quickly. But it wasn't like that at all, for me the statement that I was dropping the rope was just the very beginning of the process. It's different for each of us though.

Quote:
My blocking him isn't because it hurts me to see his photos necessarily, but it's b/c I simply no longer care to see what he's doing and I don't want him to have access to my life in any form either. I don't have any feelings when I see the pics w/ the possible OW.


Well it sounds like you're in a good place then. When things our WAS says/ does still affect us in negative ways then we haven't let go yet.

Quote:
I don't know if there is a set definition around here for "dropping the rope" maybe someone else can chime in on that?


I don't think there is either, in fact I got in a disagreement on one of my older threads with some others over what exactly it meant. I finally quit using the term because of the confusion over it.

Quote:
To me it is an acceptance of defeat when it comes to my H/marriage...


I don't think anyone here should ever use that word ("defeat") because even if you decide you don't want to stand for your M anymore, you have been through so much growth by now that you have won regardless of whether your M continues or not. You've fought valiantly for your M and the fact that it didn't survive does not mean you lost, it means that your spouse lost. We make ourselves into the spouses only a fool would leave, and if they leave anyway well then they ARE fools.

Quote:
Sure it can be seen as giving up.


But it can also be seen as taking control of your life again, and you can hold your head high knowing you did the right thing and conducted yourself with honor and dignity even while your spouse did not.

Quote:
It's not however a defeat personally, I have grown through the process and will continue to grow. I've learned the art of letting go gracefully...and in that sense, I won.


EXACTLY smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: May 2013
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He ended up calling again a few hours later. I was sleeping b/c I work nights...but I answered b/c I thought maybe it was an emergency since he doesnt call anymore...let alone twice in one day. He asked for our online password for the cell phone b/c he wants to remove his line from the plan. I told him i'd text it to him (bc I was annoyed I woke up for that...) he noticed I sounded like I was asleep so he asked me to call him back after I got up.

So I sent the password and just now he responded "thanks....I have another favor to ask when you get up"

Not sure what he wants from me.

I checked the joint accounts and he only has $98 left in the checking and only $800 left in the savings. So I am assuming he wants money.....yet again....because the next pay day isn't until January 10th.

He's spent over $6,000 from our savings since BD.

How is it he is makes double what I make...both of our rents are due on the 1st of the month....yet I dont need any help and ive been able to save a nice chunk of money since BD....and he hasn't been able to save a dime and has wiped out our joint savings?

This is why I want to be done with him. I have a personal savings that I started as a "nest egg" savings account for us 2 years ago because he wouldn't stop taking money from our joint savings. I have a decent amuntn saved in it and he told me the week of BD that since he didn't contribute to it, he doesnt want it and I can have it because I saved it with money from my own job. So he knows I have money saved up....b/c I am very serious about saving money and he knows I havent used it all up.

Im totally assuming this is what he wants, but if so this is my chance to finally stick up for my self.....and give him a big fat NO. Tell him to ask possible OW or her family since they are a so close.

I dont know if I will even call him back....but I will take sometime to think about the best way to say no, so I dont look like I am saying no becuase I am angry....because I am not, but he has to do this on his own now...he wanted to be alone...so figure it out.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander


I don't think anyone here should ever use that word ("defeat") because even if you decide you don't want to stand for your M anymore, you have been through so much growth by now that you have won regardless of whether your M continues or not. You've fought valiantly for your M and the fact that it didn't survive does not mean you lost, it means that your spouse lost. We make ourselves into the spouses only a fool would leave, and if they leave anyway well then they ARE fools.



Thanks AS.... I actually thought the same earlier when I was typing.
Its nice to think those things if only to make myself feel better smile


me: 30 H:30
tgthr:7 m:4
no kids
5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012
long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012
official BD: July 2013
nothing filed
1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 463
K
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Posts: 463
Don't give him any more money. Don't take the shot about the OW though, just tell him you are managing on your money and he should learn to manage on his.


H: 29
WAXW: 30

Bomb Drop- 9/9/13
Negotiated Settlement- 5/9/14
D Final- 5/21/14
XW has breakdown in attorney lobby- 5/30/14
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