Thread #4- The pivot I hoped wouldn't come

[JuneReN]

I hope you had a great GREAT dinner and trip to Boston!! Tell your sis I said "hi". Next time we just crash at her place so we can sample ALL the wine lists

[Maritimer]

Too bad the house deal fell through. I could tell you were really looking forward to that cruise.

17 course Dinner! That’s a lot of food. How did it turn out? Your D must have enjoyed that trip to Boston, especially the train ride, sounds like great fun and memories for you an D!

It feels good to get back to what you have a passion for. We tend to lose that as we get older. You seem to be in a happy place, good for you!

[RealityTrip]

Hi my friend! I've got some reading to do to catch up but I'm droping you an "Hola!" first... I hope you have been well and little D too!

[Positivespin]

Sooooooooooo.........
Ive been working on my appearance a lot. I've been doing far too much retail therapy.
Then I went on the cruise
I met the woman of my dreams on said cruise
42 never married, no kids, intelligent,successful, fun, confident........
And she hit on me-asked me to dinner dinner lasted four hours followed by closing down the club.....I said goodnight and went to my cabin-alone :-)

Next day I think she went out of her way to see me at the gym-then we spent the day together

It went on like this for five days

That's when I became an idiot-last Friday night while innocently watching a movie with her...I fell in love

Tool!!!!!!!! Time for the 2x4s folks

She lives 45 min north of Montreal (ruby) and 6 hr drive from here

So on sat, at a chilies in Miami airport we spent 3 hours saying goodbye-she teared up

I hop on my plane back to Boston and I'm surrounded by 9 french speaking folks from-of course-montreal

So I start thinking about how this could continue and on the next night I call her to discuss this plan -no answer

Next day she texts me - a local guy she had just met before the cruise surprised her at the airport. She can't invite me up because shed like to give him a try.

Was I used like a piece of meat?????

So why am I disclosing all this on this site? I should not have gotten on that boat. My emotional /love fuel tank was so empty that any attention on me would have been magnified in my mind - but then to have THIS amazing woman show the interest that she did was just to much. I lost complete control.

I have now had my heart stomped on twice in 11 months. Here is the learning piece.....this last one should never have impacted me as much as it does ( I caught myself crying a few times today)but because I'm so emotionally needy right now it feels as bad as the bomb.

These are my first winter holidays alone and its tough on us all. All those memories that were trashed and destroyed. It makes me yearn for love. The closeness, the opening of a bottle of wine together, after the family leaves. The touches and glances. ARGH!!!!!!!

I keep replaying southern cross in my head . For five days someone strong did come along to help me forget loving my wife-and now I'm worse off for it.

.....and I cooked a turkey:-)

[labug]

Awww PS, that must hurt but...she found you attractive and interesting and at least wanted to spend the cruise with you.

Enjoy the memory. You might be in lust but do you really think it's love, after all you've learned here?

Are yo really worse off, or are you just allowing your mind to tell you that.

It was a moment in time.

[LBH_LC]

labug pretty much nailed what I wanted to say, brother. Love in five days? Nuh uh. I'm sorry things went down they did, but it looks like you may have learned a thing or two from it, so look at it that way. Don't think I'm judging you, because I'm pretty sure I would have felt the same way in your shoes.

Now then, there's nothing wrong with retail therapy. I've been doing a lot of that myself lately!

Yes, these first winter holidays are the roughest. But know that you're not the only one going through this special kind of hell, even though it feels like you are. Reach out for us when you need us, pal. We're just a click away.

[2thepoint]

Hey PS - I just read your post about the cruise. I can definitely relate to how you are feeling after being rejected and then finding someone attractive who expresses interest and WHAMO you're in love! I get it.

But rather than beating yourself up over the lost love, might you also consider that perhaps you've had a glimpse of life with someone else. That you are viewed as attractive by another person and that you will get through this. And if there is one person who finds you attractive and interesting, then there will be another, and another and then one day, love will find you again.

[Positivespin]

You guys are AWESOME. I feel so much love here!

It was the feeling of having everything - almost a dream, for one day.......the next day, BOOM on a airplane back.

As you all are experiencing its difficult driving down the holiday decorated streets and seeing couples walking leisurely (in 17 degree temps) hand in hand together. Last year I thought thats what my wife and I had.......only she was doing it with someone else.

but in the meantime something really awesome happened to me this weekend.

D3.90 was with Mommy on Sat night (She had been with me the previous 4 nights for the holiday) I was very alone. I thought id open a bottle of red, turn on some music and journal ALOT. I just felt like I needed to get alot of emotion out and have it documented in my timeline (alot of negative self talk etc).

So I decanted the old vine red. Lit a fire and decided that I needed to do some pushups (my new "go to" when i begin to think negatively) When I was done (40) I felt so strong and clear headed that I dumped the wine in the sink and began writing without

six pages of negative self talk spewed out. There was alot of poison inside of me. Then I went back to page 1 of volume II. Early June, I read about how sad I was, how broken,I was exhausted and had NOTHING yet I kept moving forward because I wouldnt stop and dwell. Bike ride, exercise, Bike ride, volunteer, GAL .....rinse, repeat .

My wife isnt coming back but because of this program im doing everything RIGHT(so far). My fantasy week would not have happened if it hadnt been for ALL those tough days and struggles. Hell, I remember walking into the grocery store with $20 to my name for a weeks worth of groceries for me and D3.90. It was UGLY. Ive done a complete life change 180.

Yet, no matter how much progress forward the negative self talk still creeps in and ruins my self esteem/confidence. I could drink to numb or I could face it, write it down and fight.

Ive never fought- I always gave in. It was easier.

This aspect of change will be the toughest but im working on it:)

[RealityTrip]

Hello superman! Missed ya too! Just read up on this thread. You are a professional rollercoaster rider! Still doing great and growing... no matter what I see...

When I was reading the story about the cruise I thought, maybe Spin was projecting some residual feelings of loss and love onto that moment and that woman? And I don't htink that's a bad thing either. Feeling those things, working them out... and REALIZING that whatever final path the M takes, you can and will be able to experience wonderful feelings with other women if you choose.

Negative self talk monster... go get him. Keep slaying that dragon! I love your super-healthy journaling process.

[Maritimer]

At least you know that you can find love again. I understand how hurt you must feel but at least you had a memorable 5 days!

I admire your talent to be able to write 6 pages of feelings on paper. The venting is healthy for you. This roller coaster ride is a wicket one! Your doing good Positivespin.