We're Dating

[makingmagic]

Hi Labug....good question. I'd be inclined to nag, but thats probably the wrong answer.

Have you seen the list that Ambivilant posted on her thread from her IC? I think its something worthy of printing out and keeping for the Reconcilling Couple to refer to often. Possibly post on the fridge even!!

Curious to know what the vets say on this.

Good luck

[Rick1963]

Maybe bringing you a load of wood was his plan for Nov. Maybe starting a fire and having some Malbec at home with you is what he plans for this month. Maybe he feels the pressure to come up with something. Does he know you got Dec covered? Plan for the months you agreed to and see what happens. Let him be responsible for his months. Maybe it's time to re negotiate. Do it every other month. Yeap patience.

[jp787]

My dilemma:

When H and I went out of town last month, we did the 5LLs test, talked about what that meant for each of us and made a plan that we would do something fun (QT) together once a month. We would alternate who did the planning, in the past it's 90% been me. I've got Dec covered, Nov would have been his month(yes, I know it's not over yet)but there has been no talk of a plan and I'm starting to feel "same ole, same ole"

To his credit, other things have changed, he's done a lot of work here at the house of his own volition. He brought me a load of firewood yesterday. I am more than grateful for these things. He's an acts of service guy.

But going out and doing fun things is important to me. Having someone plan that with me in mind is like gold...and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. He could put the canoe on the truck, pack peanut butter sandwiches, come and honk the horn in front of the house and I would be ecstatic!

How do I bring this up again, without being a nag but still making my needs heard?

Or is it "Patience, Grasshopper, patience"?

Labug,
I will put this out here.

I have been quizzing my W over the last few months about what she likes and how she likes this or that, what is important to her, what is not. I want to do things that she wants and that make her happy, so I am taking the time to learn.

That said, I still run into fear, anxiety, feeling of pressure to do things for or with my W. My W has done nothing to pressure me, yet I still feel it. I think I feel pressure in my own mind that I create out of fear. It is something I am working on.

So as Rick said maybe your H feels pressure, not from you, but from himself.

[CallaghanClown]

And about your goal(s)...

I WANT TO BE IN A LOVING MARRIAGE WITH MY HUSBAND.

, hat's really broad.

What does that look like to you? Mutual respect for eachother. Sharing each others lives. Showing eachother the love we need, him words, me actions.
Did you have that before? Yes, but not for a few years.....not that I realised it!
Again what can you do to help you? I'm working on my side of the marriage, the mistakes I made. I'm in therapy, I've got a life. I'm there for him but not perusing him. I'm focusing on myself and the kids.

About your kids, I don't know that standing is a good example for them. I think it's hard to know how our kids see our R, or how they will see our R.

I think living a happy, fulfilled life is the most positive thing we can do for them.

IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULDN'T ALLOW AS MUCH ACCESS AS I DO.

I would really think about this. Why would standing for your M make that different? If he's "not a good influence" and I don't know what that means, he's not a good influence. Is he doing inappropriate of dangerous things with the kids?

MY HUSBAND IS SPIRALLING, MAKING BAD DECISIONS THAT ARE EFFECTING OUR KIDS BOTH FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. HE'S NOT IN CONTROL OF THE THINGS HE SAYS AND OFTEN I HAVE TO SET BOUNDARIES ON WHAT HE DISCUSSED IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR CHILDREN. IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULD HAVE CUT ACCESS UNTIL HE COULD SELF SENSOR, BUT I AM STANDING SO I SET BOUNDARIES INSTEAD.

I don't know what your H's specific problem is, I have rad a bit of your threads but the book Depression Fallout might be helpful. Is he drinking or drugging? Do you know?

HE IS ABUSING FOOD....I SUSPECT ALCOHOL TOO AND THERE ARE RUMOURS ABOUT DRUGS. I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THIS BUT I FIND A LOT OF WHAT HE'S DOING HARD TO BELIEVE.

Best of luck, CC.
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[labug]

CC, please think about this. Standing for your M doesn't include allowing someone who is actively using to do whatever they want. DBing isn't meant for dealing with abuse of any kind. It can be an adjunct in strengthening you but if you believe because of your husband's activities your children are in any kind of danger, speak up. If he's dangerous to himself, he's dangerous to them.

Have you heard of AlAnon? At this point most people get antsy and say "But my ___ isn't an alcoholic!" He doesn't have to be, it's a support group for family and friends of problem drinkers. I learned so much there, especially about boundaries, and got such wonderful support. You can go and participate or you can sit in the back and never say a word. Sort of like lurking here as most people do before they make their first post.

I'm glad you have an IC, keep up working on yourself.

[labug]

Hi Labug....good question. I'd be inclined to nag, but thats probably the wrong answer.

Have you seen the list that Ambivilant posted on her thread from her IC? I think its something worthy of printing out and keeping for the Reconcilling Couple to refer to often. Possibly post on the fridge even!!

Curious to know what the vets say on this.

Good luck

Where is this list?

[labug]

Maybe bringing you a load of wood was his plan for Nov. Maybe starting a fire and having some Malbec at home with you is what he plans for this month. Maybe he feels the pressure to come up with something. Does he know you got Dec covered? Plan for the months you agreed to and see what happens. Let him be responsible for his months. Maybe it's time to re negotiate. Do it every other month. Yeap patience.

Thank you, Sensei.

[labug]

Labug,
I will put this out here.

I have been quizzing my W over the last few months about what she likes and how she likes this or that, what is important to her, what is not. I want to do things that she wants and that make her happy, so I am taking the time to learn.

That said, I still run into fear, anxiety, feeling of pressure to do things for or with my W. My W has done nothing to pressure me, yet I still feel it. I think I feel pressure in my own mind that I create out of fear. It is something I am working on.

So as Rick said maybe your H feels pressure, not from you, but from himself.

That could be.

It's unanimous...patience.

[makingmagic]

Hi Labug...

Here is the link to the list:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2401693&page=11

M

[labug]

Life can be incredible.

I wrote this in Ad's thread a few days ago:

Sometimes when we leave things alone, they advance without us.

That's been a difficult one for me to accept. Stand back and let what's supposed to happen, happen.

I should take my own advice more often.

I just got an invite from H to a big party at a beautiful ranch. It has to do with his connections from work, a ranch manager is moving on so this will be quite the party. These are people he really likes.

Stand back and let life happen.

“Humility means accepting reality with no attempt to outsmart it.” David Richo