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labug #2399959 11/01/13 10:34 PM
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'Patience'

It's peaceful.

And enjoy 'the secret' for now. It sure must be fun :-)

Have a great weekend Bug x


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Great news Bug, you seem to be one of the wisest ones here and you have a very thoughtful, purposeful way about you that I hope to achieve. I work towards it, even though I don't post on my page much, I am still working at being a better me and our piecing is getting stronger each day. I love reading your posts and I am truly happy for you.


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
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Its so great to hear your success story. 2.5 years scares me but it great to see you piecing. Fingers crossed ill be in your boat one day.


M32 H37
DD1 6 DD2 5
M6 T10
EA 31.08.13
Separated and H moved out 19.09.13
ILYBINILWY 23.09.13
OW 11.13
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Hey LTH, some ancient dead guy said The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing. smile

At least it keeps us in beginner's mind. wink


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: CallaghanClown
Its so great to hear your success story. 2.5 years scares me but it great to see you piecing. Fingers crossed ill be in your boat one day.


It is a success.

Why does 2.5 years scare you?

What are your goals?

What are you doing for you?

How are you creating change within yourself?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2401088 11/05/13 04:49 PM
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Hi Bug, just wanted you to know I visited piecing! Often thinking of you.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
labug #2401211 11/05/13 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Originally Posted By: CallaghanClown
Its so great to hear your success story. 2.5 years scares me but it great to see you piecing. Fingers crossed ill be in your boat one day.


It is a success.

Why does 2.5 years scare you?

I GUESS I WORRY THAT IF I STAND FOR MY MARRIAGE FOR 2.5 YEARS AND IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, THAT I WILL BE 2.5 YEARS OLDER AND MAY NEVER FIND SOMEONE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. SAYING THAT I STILL TRUELY BELIEVE THAT ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I ALSO WORRY THAT 2.5 YEARS OF STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE MAY NOT BE THE BEST THING FOR MY KIDS. I APPRECIATE THAT IT IS A GREAT EXAMPLE TO THEM TO SEE ME FIGHTING FOR MY MARRIAGE BUT THERE FATHER ISN'T THE BEST INFLUENCE FOR THEM AT PRESENT, DUE TO HIS MENTAL HEALTH. IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULDN'T ALLOW AS MUCH ACCESS AS I DO.

What are your goals?

I WANT TO BE IN A LOVING MARRIAGE WITH MY HUSBAND.

What are you doing for you?

I HAVE GOT A LIFE, CHANGED MY CAREER, DECORATED THE HOUSE HOW I WANTED IT, STARTED THE HOBBIES I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO, DO FUN THINGS WITH THE KIDS THAT I WOULDN'T DO BEFORE, TRAVEL WITH THE KIDS, VISIT FRIENDS I'VE NOT SEEN FOR A LONG TIME. GENERALLY IM GETTING BACK TO MY FUN SELF. IM ALSO IN THERAPY, WHICH IS INVALUABLE. THANKFULLY MY THERAPY COMES WITH A 24/7 HOTLINE, WHICH I CALL WHENEVER IM ANXIOUS.

How are you creating change within yourself?


I CAN SEE AND FEEL THE CHANGE IN MYSELF. I WAS SO ANGRY, SELF RIGHTEOUS, CONFRONTATIONAL......BEFORE. NOW IM CALMER, HAPPIER, FRIENDLIER. I LISTEN INTENTLY......WHICH IS A REVELATION, AS I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT I DID BEFORE. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A VERY CARING PERSON, BUT I HAD AN OPINION ON EVERYTHING, I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT, NOW I DON'T OFFER MY OPINION UNLESS ASKED (AND STILL DON'T IF MY H ASKS). I LISTEN, VALIDATE AND EMPATHISE. THE ANSWER TO MOST QUESTIONS IS IN THE QUESTION! I LIKE THE NEW ME, IT REMINDS ME OF THE OLD ME.....BUT WITH IMPROVEMENTS.


M32 H37
DD1 6 DD2 5
M6 T10
EA 31.08.13
Separated and H moved out 19.09.13
ILYBINILWY 23.09.13
OW 11.13
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Quote:
I GUESS I WORRY THAT IF I STAND FOR MY MARRIAGE FOR 2.5 YEARS AND IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, THAT I WILL BE 2.5 YEARS OLDER AND MAY NEVER FIND SOMEONE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. SAYING THAT I STILL TRUELY BELIEVE THAT ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I ALSO WORRY THAT 2.5 YEARS OF STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE MAY NOT BE THE BEST THING FOR MY KIDS. I APPRECIATE THAT IT IS A GREAT EXAMPLE TO THEM TO SEE ME FIGHTING FOR MY MARRIAGE BUT THERE FATHER ISN'T THE BEST INFLUENCE FOR THEM AT PRESENT, DUE TO HIS MENTAL HEALTH. IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULDN'T ALLOW AS MUCH ACCESS AS I DO.


You're going to be 2.5 years older anyway and if you use the time for really working on yourself, you'll be so much better prepared for your next R, no matter who it's with. You'll also be a better mother, friend, employee.

What I notice is you're living your life in the future, all the worries you mentioned are in the future. Live in the day, each day.

You have no idea what you're life will look like in 2.5 years and while it's good to have goals to work toward, you can't plan for anything really, other than uncertainty and how you handle that.

And about your goal(s)...
Quote:
I WANT TO BE IN A LOVING MARRIAGE WITH MY HUSBAND.
, hat's really broad.

What does that look like to you?
Did you have that before?
Again what can you do to help you?

About your kids, I don't know that standing is a good example for them. I think it's hard to know how our kids see our R, or how they will see our R.

I think living a happy, fulfilled life is the most positive thing we can do for them.

Quote:
IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULDN'T ALLOW AS MUCH ACCESS AS I DO.
I would really think about this. Why would standing for your M make that different? If he's "not a good influence" and I don't know what that means, he's not a good influence. Is he doing inappropriate of dangerous things with the kids?

I don't know what your H's specific problem is, I have rad a bit of your threads but the book Depression Fallout might be helpful. Is he drinking or drugging? Do you know?

Best of luck, CC.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline OP
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Had I started out thinking it was going to be 2.5 years I would have have had concerns to, that's why I tried to take it one day at a time.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2401467 11/06/13 03:26 PM
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My dilemma:

When H and I went out of town last month, we did the 5LLs test, talked about what that meant for each of us and made a plan that we would do something fun (QT) together once a month. We would alternate who did the planning, in the past it's 90% been me. I've got Dec covered, Nov would have been his month(yes, I know it's not over yet)but there has been no talk of a plan and I'm starting to feel "same ole, same ole"

To his credit, other things have changed, he's done a lot of work here at the house of his own volition. He brought me a load of firewood yesterday. I am more than grateful for these things. He's an acts of service guy.

But going out and doing fun things is important to me. Having someone plan that with me in mind is like gold...and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. He could put the canoe on the truck, pack peanut butter sandwiches, come and honk the horn in front of the house and I would be ecstatic!

How do I bring this up again, without being a nag but still making my needs heard?

Or is it "Patience, Grasshopper, patience"?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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