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Hi friends, thanks for checking in smile Not doing great...Husband moved out tonight. I moved my story to the Hopefulness board. But not so hopeful right now.


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
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hi abbey, I was just reading your posts.our sits are similar. can't stand the lies.


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: willbwell
hi abbey, I was just reading your posts.our sits are similar. can't stand the lies.


The "Little Bo-Peep" approach to infidelity only enables and delays the inevitable. "Leave(ing) them alone," only to destroy their family and the family's finances, does a disservice to BOTH the betrayed spouse AND the cheater.

Abbey, I'm sorry for your pain, but you can do far better than this man. Rest, heal . . . and then do your work to figure out how to deal with this if you are ever faced with it again.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Oh gosh spent this entire weekend so distraught. H tried to call me all night long on my cell and the home number but I couldn't talk to him. In the morning on Saturday I got up, got some coffee and drove to the beach. He kept texting, and calling but I couldn't answer. I know he was worried. I finally did answer, and he told me he never realized how hard this would be, that he's seen other people do this, but never really realized how devastating this would be to the people he loves most. Kids are devastated. They thought we were the "perfect family".

I came home later in the day on Saturday, and he was trying to reach me and I just couldn't talk anymore. He showed up. We talked. It turns out that the rental he had been paying for was a trailer on a big piece of property in town next over. I told him how hurtful it has been, knowing that he was paying rent somewhere, for something, but not knowing what it was for. So he has been planning on leaving for about a year. He knows he has been hurtful, kept saying sorry......something he never says. I know he is hurting too. When he couldn't reach me by phone later Saturday afternoon, he came over. We talked some more. He said he never realized what it would be like not to be able to reach me. We were so exhausted emotionally, I said I wish we could just hug and sleep. He stayed over. He was more caring and loving (not in a ML way) but nice, than he has been in so long. Yesterday morning, we talked some more. Really talked, and I told him that he has never really shared his dreams with me, and that I didn't realize there were things that he wanted to do in this life that didn't include me. He just wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants. Ride his bike, happy hour with friends, motorcycle rides....and doesn't want to see how it hurts me. I told him that the main reason why I was feeling hurt when he would leave was because I thought he was doing something else with someone else. We talked about OW. He still insists that they were just friends. He said that he was just trying to help her out with setting her up with sub-contractors for her house. I told him that at some point, his helping her out as a friend must have been more important than being honest with me because that is when all of the lies started. And he admitted that he was wrong, and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me.

We looked each other in the eyes, he loves me, I love him. I told him I wanted to do counseling, he doesn't think the problem is our R, but something he feels inside. He said it sounds cliche, but his age is a factor. Feeling that time is running out. He says that he knows that it sounds selfish. That he wants to get in the best shape of his life, gain back some years so to speak. Be healthy. I told him that I completely understand that, and that I don't ever want to be in the way of him living his life as he wishes to.

So we said what I thought would be our goodbye again yesterday. He asked me not to tell my parents, which made me think that he might change his mind. He felt like if everyone knows, then the genie is out of the bottle so to speak. After he left, I just started throwing things away. Food in the refrigerator. Food in the pantry. Of course having another complete breakdown. I guess he was calling and calling on my cell which I had on silent.

He came back again late last night when I was in my kitchen throw away frenzy. I said that I was sorry and I didn't plan for him to be back and see me as a crying hot mess. I told him that I am grieving.

I gave him his gluten free pasta and said I don't need this (haha). He asked if he could go shopping and make us some dinner. Neither of us eaten since Friday. I said sure. Then, he said I could stay, and move his clothes and things back in....how would I feel about that. I said I only wanted him to be here if he wanted to be here. He said he did, and he started moving back in. He said we'll see how it goes.

Can I say this has been the absolute worst weekend of my life?

Anyway, he has been more tender and caring, not standoffish like he has been for months. I told him he could sleep in the spare bedroom if he wanted, since I knew he wanted his space, but he chose to be with me. And I do want him. I do know he is hurting too. He says he knows that he hasn't been a good partner to me, and that there are so many things he wants to change in his life. He wants to be nicer to everyone. Really be helpful to everyone.

We've both decided to work on ourselves to be more active and healthy. He said he wants to live a vibrant life. And so do I.
So I guess, for now, 180's will be my mantra.

Thanks for listening.


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Abbey,

It's not your job to make him feel better about his poor, hurtful choices to his family.

I tried to write more, but I really can't say it any more plainly than that. He's looking to have your "permission" to lie and cheat and destroy his family. I pray you won't give him that. In the meantime, I would strongly encourage you to learn a few "truth darts" to deliver to him:

- "I'm sorry, it's not my job to make you feel better about the destructive things you are doing to our family."

- "I've decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."

- "I love you, and I didn't want a divorce, but I have decided that I need to start doing what is best for me and the kids. There's been a lot of damage done here."

Finally, if he pressed you for what you're going to say or do (and I can see he's already doing that, and it will only increase most likely), say:

- "Honestly, do you REALLY think I owe you an explanation right now? I have a lot of thinking to do, and things to get done, so please respect my privacy in all of this."

He's basically FIRED you from being his wife, and he's ripped apart his family for -- and he ADMITS this -- selfish reasons. It's time to start protecting yourself -- and your children -- from the damage he's done.

It's time to learn the whole "Mamabear" thing, Abbey. Your kids are going to need it.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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And for GOD'S SAKES, no more champagne toasts!! mad

Look, I understand -- I have been there -- we all turned at one time or another to our cheating spouses to comfort us. But you simply cannot do this -- not if you're going to come out of this with your OWN self-respect intact, and not if you're ever going to get your husband to a place in his "crucible" where he needs to be in order to contemplate his own destructive and selfish decisions.

You can't CONTROL him, but you damned sure don't have to SOOTHE him, nor look to him to soothe YOU.

Let him be.



Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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hi Abbey, Ive not read your entire thread, but just wanted to share...my h moved out and moved back in 3 times. I allowed it. I just wanted so bad for the pain to go away. what I found is h has not yet been willing to work. I know too he is sad. I know he is confused. but, it has not been enough for him to make any changes. his behavior continues.
I got the same story about "at his age" wanting to do what he wants to do.
Give it lots of thought.I wish I would have insisted on taking it more slow and joint C.


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
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Thank you Starsky.....good advice. Arghhhhhh it is in my nature to be kind, nice, understanding, etc...

Now that this is 2 1/2 weeks behind me, I am still haunted about the fact that he rented his new "place" in Sept of 2012! Holy moly he has thought about this for a long time.

He has completely separated all of his accounts from mine. Bank, phone, everything.

Just in a weird place. He went shopping for me and bought me some new clothes for my girls trip (leave tomorrow) yay. Very sweet....he hasn't done that in a long time. I am beginning to see how my life will be without his income. I don't want to ask for $$ (pride). But we are living together, sharing a bed, but just feels very separate too. Crazy.

Thanks DB friends for all of the support and putting up with my craziness. smile hugs.


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
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Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
Truth darts taken to heart. Thank you!!


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
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Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 251
Hi willbwell,
Thank you for your thoughts. I remember thinking when my H turned 50 thinking that if his biggest MLC was to buy a red 1967 Jeepster...I was so lucky! haha. But........it has been way more than that. Way more than I ever imagined. Life is a journey


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
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