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#2398752 10/29/13 02:52 PM
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After 2.5 M/L years of separation, H and I have decided to date. And that really what it is right now and we're having fun. There's not real talk of the future, not much talk of the past. We're not in MC.

We're dating and it's working for us right now. I had gotten to a great place in my life before he decided to move toward me so I had some reticence about getting back together and am in no rush to change anything in my life. Neither of us are ready to move in together.

We have talked a bit about some of the unhealthy things that brought us to separation and how we can do better this time. WE did the 5LL evaluation together, he actually did it without complaint and took it to heart. That's a 180!

We see each other once a week, sometimes not that much due to our work schedules but check in with each other every day. This is a big change for both of us because we never did that before. I like it, it does keep us connected. I consider these text communications a part of quality time which is one of my LLs.

We were in a SSM before, I was tired, uninterested, didn't have time, didn't care. That's changed, because I've changed. We are no longer SS. Physical touch is his LL.

I still have things to work on, and need time to practice my new skills in an actual intimate R. I sometimes find myself going on automatic especially in the areas of communication and fixing. I catch myself but it's a flag for me to slow down.

When I started this journey, I never thought I would be here. Really, had no illusions.

But here I am.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2398780 10/29/13 03:47 PM
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I'm impressed with the grace, compassion, kindness, and patience you have expressed throughout your journey, and thankful that you extended those same qualities to others, like me, as you went through such a difficult time in your life.

I am very happy to see where you are with your H, and I wish you nothing but the best.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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You sound at peace, I hope things continue to go well for you. I look forward to continuing to follow your story. Thank you so much for all of your support and wisdom over the past year.


M46,W41
D16,D18
M22,T25
BD 11/12
W moved out 01/13
Piecing 10/13
Divorced 01/15
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can."
UrWorthy
jp787 #2398886 10/29/13 08:29 PM
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Hey Bug! Many happy trails, happy returns! laugh Way to go, girl!

Wonka #2399136 10/30/13 02:32 PM
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Thanks, jp and wonka.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2399163 10/30/13 03:24 PM
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Quote:
I still have things to work on, and need time to practice my new skills in an actual intimate R. I sometimes find myself going on automatic especially in the areas of communication and fixing. I catch myself but it's a flag for me to slow down.


Slow down and be deliberate in my actions. Proactive not reactive... tough to do consistently. What helps you to realize when your falling onto old behaviors?? Do you journal?

I'm so happy things have taken a positive uptick for you.


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
subguy #2399310 10/30/13 11:11 PM
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Bugsy you have become a women only a fool would leave and Dick ain't no fool smile I'm very proud of the work you put into yourself. I read often how you catch yourself. I see myself doing the same. I will continue to pray that your goals come true and will be here by your side to support you.
Ps: you noticed that people have to translate for me in my real life too lmao smile


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Rick1963 #2399367 10/31/13 03:24 AM
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Labug, I cannot tell you how happy I am for you.

I know you will handle this in your wonderful Bug way - with introspection, compassion, and strength. Wishing you all the lovely things your heart can hold.

I know you know that our journey never ends. So, take all you know, all you've learned, all your changes and sieze the day.

Good on you, my friend.

uRworthy #2399370 10/31/13 03:31 AM
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Wonderful Labug!! Wonderful to hear great news full of hope just before I go to bed. I will add you to my prayers for tonight as you are yet another testimony that prayers are answered.

Magic


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
subguy #2399480 10/31/13 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted By: subguy

Slow down and be deliberate in my actions. Proactive not reactive... tough to do consistently. What helps you to realize when your falling onto old behaviors?? Do you journal?

I'm so happy things have taken a positive uptick for you.



I only journal here, now. I used to journal but maybe should go back to it. I have a great IC who keeps me honest. I realize when I've been fixing after the fact. It doesn't happen a lot but I think when you're re-establishing a R with someone who you're known for many years, it's incredibly easy to fall into old patterns.

But what I've found is in practicing new skills it makes the relationship new and fresh because things aren't as they were before. We are different people than we were 2.5 yrs ago.

When I say slow down, it's slow down and listen, realize that I don't know what he's thinking. I need to ask more questions, reflect more and never assume. Conversations between partners shouldn't be just one more thing to "get through" in the midst of a busy day.

Being vulnerable is a big part of this. Laying your true self and your needs out is scary. I always hid my vulnerable self before, I'm trying not to this time around.

We had dinner together last night and we got on the topic of birth and he talked very thoughtfully about the births of our sons and how it made him feel, how he shed tears (he's not a cryer) and how it felt to hold them for the first time. I've heard versions of this story before but I don't think I ever really "heard" it. It moved me.

How often do we have these conversations and never really hear the other person?

Good to hear from you, SG!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Rick1963 #2399481 10/31/13 03:12 PM
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Rick laugh you can always make me smile.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
uRworthy #2399483 10/31/13 03:15 PM
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labug Offline OP
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Thanks, uR, what a lovely sentiment!

I'm trying to put it all into play but it's still learning and as I said above, slowing down.

But I can do this!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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labug Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: makingmagic
Wonderful Labug!! Wonderful to hear great news full of hope just before I go to bed. I will add you to my prayers for tonight as you are yet another testimony that prayers are answered.

Magic


Thanks Magic! I want to share something here that I shared a lot early on in my threads in Newcomers: my prayers were more about me becoming a whole person, not about H coming home.

I remember very clearly my first IC appt after he left and me stating my goal, I don't want to be an angry, bitter, resentful Dd woman of a certain age. Once I set that intention, I worked toward it daily.

The result being, even tho I'm very grateful that H and I are taking this second chance, I would have been and was very fine without him.

This journey is about us and our thoughts, our reactions, our fears, our hurts. Uncovering all that can be scary but the rewards are many.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2399499 10/31/13 03:41 PM
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Hi Labug,

I think it's great that you are taking your time and dating. Takes the 'pressure' off and lets you slowly get to know each other again. It's also kind of exciting! smile

I feel similar to you in a way. When H told me he wanted to separate, I didn't want to be that bitter and resentful D'd person either. I wanted to live life and be happy and move forward. I truly let go. I think my H noticed and was wondering what on earth was happening!! lol. By that point it wasn't so much about HIM anymore. I realized I would be fine either way. It's nice when you get to that place.

I too, struggled with showing my vulnerable side to my husband. I showed it to him a few times before with a chilly response and I kind of shut down, worried about how he would react if I opened up. I realize now that I need to open up to him more and let him back in, if we ever want to find that emotional connection again. That secure feeling that your partner is there to support you. That is my main goal.

Take care!
-cp


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

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Hi Ladybug,
I am very happy for you! Good luck and keep leaning forward!


m 54
XW 48
m 12
t 14
bomb 6-11
s 10-11
wife moved to other state 10-21-11
d 9-12

O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
gunny #2399656 11/01/13 12:26 AM
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Bug, I know how hard you've worked to become who you are today.

And I think the fact that you would be fine whatever way this turns out will allow you to move forward with an open mind and heart.

It is hard to be vulnerable when it's not what you know. Hard when you have gone through what you have.

I read these two things. Thought I’d share.

We are ashamed by what we fear will separate us from others; we fear some part of us will be judged unworthy. But by being willing to be vulnerable and to invest in a relationship when you are not sure of the outcome is one of the characteristics of people who feel worthy of being loved–and feel more joy in their lives..

uRworthy #2399735 11/01/13 08:48 AM
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I love that quote uR. It took me awhile to understand and appreciate the relationship between shame and fear. I feel I see it in layers and every time i let go of some fear i feel a release of the shame as well.

Bug, I am so happy for you. Have you spoken to your boys about it yet or do you feel its still too early?

I like what you said:

When I say slow down, it's slow down and listen, realize that I don't know what he's thinking. I need to ask more questions, reflect more and never assume.

I think this is true for any relationship we are in. We do tend to assume SO MUCH. It really is quite amazing how much we can get in the way of ourselves with our assumptions.


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
gunny #2399810 11/01/13 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: gunny
Hi Ladybug,
I am very happy for you! Good luck and keep leaning forward!


Hi Gunny, hope you're well! Thanks for the good thoughts.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2399812 11/01/13 02:34 PM
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Quote:
we fear some part of us will be judged unworthy.


Yes, that's the crux of everything, isn't it? We hide those parts of ourselves which have brought on shame in the past. Since I've realized that, I'm much more willing and able to be me and find the real me. I think that's our connection to living a good life.

Thanks for sharing that.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: bustingout
I love that quote uR. It took me awhile to understand and appreciate the relationship between shame and fear. I feel I see it in layers and every time i let go of some fear i feel a release of the shame as well.

Bug, I am so happy for you. Have you spoken to your boys about it yet or do you feel its still too early?

I like what you said:

When I say slow down, it's slow down and listen, realize that I don't know what he's thinking. I need to ask more questions, reflect more and never assume.

I think this is true for any relationship we are in. We do tend to assume SO MUCH. It really is quite amazing how much we can get in the way of ourselves with our assumptions.



No, we haven't told the boys. I think we're getting close to that point tho. It's fun to have this "secret" tho.

About assumptions and mind-reading, etc, I've noticed many times how different my reactions are to things that before I would have been resentful or b!tchy about. Our communication is more honest, expectations are few.

And more is revealed every time we're together.

Patience.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2399959 11/01/13 10:34 PM
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'Patience'

It's peaceful.

And enjoy 'the secret' for now. It sure must be fun :-)

Have a great weekend Bug x


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Great news Bug, you seem to be one of the wisest ones here and you have a very thoughtful, purposeful way about you that I hope to achieve. I work towards it, even though I don't post on my page much, I am still working at being a better me and our piecing is getting stronger each day. I love reading your posts and I am truly happy for you.


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
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Its so great to hear your success story. 2.5 years scares me but it great to see you piecing. Fingers crossed ill be in your boat one day.


M32 H37
DD1 6 DD2 5
M6 T10
EA 31.08.13
Separated and H moved out 19.09.13
ILYBINILWY 23.09.13
OW 11.13
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Hey LTH, some ancient dead guy said The only true wisdom is knowing you know nothing. smile

At least it keeps us in beginner's mind. wink


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: CallaghanClown
Its so great to hear your success story. 2.5 years scares me but it great to see you piecing. Fingers crossed ill be in your boat one day.


It is a success.

Why does 2.5 years scare you?

What are your goals?

What are you doing for you?

How are you creating change within yourself?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2401088 11/05/13 04:49 PM
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Hi Bug, just wanted you to know I visited piecing! Often thinking of you.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
labug #2401211 11/05/13 09:29 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Originally Posted By: CallaghanClown
Its so great to hear your success story. 2.5 years scares me but it great to see you piecing. Fingers crossed ill be in your boat one day.


It is a success.

Why does 2.5 years scare you?

I GUESS I WORRY THAT IF I STAND FOR MY MARRIAGE FOR 2.5 YEARS AND IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, THAT I WILL BE 2.5 YEARS OLDER AND MAY NEVER FIND SOMEONE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. SAYING THAT I STILL TRUELY BELIEVE THAT ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I ALSO WORRY THAT 2.5 YEARS OF STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE MAY NOT BE THE BEST THING FOR MY KIDS. I APPRECIATE THAT IT IS A GREAT EXAMPLE TO THEM TO SEE ME FIGHTING FOR MY MARRIAGE BUT THERE FATHER ISN'T THE BEST INFLUENCE FOR THEM AT PRESENT, DUE TO HIS MENTAL HEALTH. IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULDN'T ALLOW AS MUCH ACCESS AS I DO.

What are your goals?

I WANT TO BE IN A LOVING MARRIAGE WITH MY HUSBAND.

What are you doing for you?

I HAVE GOT A LIFE, CHANGED MY CAREER, DECORATED THE HOUSE HOW I WANTED IT, STARTED THE HOBBIES I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO, DO FUN THINGS WITH THE KIDS THAT I WOULDN'T DO BEFORE, TRAVEL WITH THE KIDS, VISIT FRIENDS I'VE NOT SEEN FOR A LONG TIME. GENERALLY IM GETTING BACK TO MY FUN SELF. IM ALSO IN THERAPY, WHICH IS INVALUABLE. THANKFULLY MY THERAPY COMES WITH A 24/7 HOTLINE, WHICH I CALL WHENEVER IM ANXIOUS.

How are you creating change within yourself?


I CAN SEE AND FEEL THE CHANGE IN MYSELF. I WAS SO ANGRY, SELF RIGHTEOUS, CONFRONTATIONAL......BEFORE. NOW IM CALMER, HAPPIER, FRIENDLIER. I LISTEN INTENTLY......WHICH IS A REVELATION, AS I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT I DID BEFORE. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A VERY CARING PERSON, BUT I HAD AN OPINION ON EVERYTHING, I WAS ALWAYS RIGHT, NOW I DON'T OFFER MY OPINION UNLESS ASKED (AND STILL DON'T IF MY H ASKS). I LISTEN, VALIDATE AND EMPATHISE. THE ANSWER TO MOST QUESTIONS IS IN THE QUESTION! I LIKE THE NEW ME, IT REMINDS ME OF THE OLD ME.....BUT WITH IMPROVEMENTS.


M32 H37
DD1 6 DD2 5
M6 T10
EA 31.08.13
Separated and H moved out 19.09.13
ILYBINILWY 23.09.13
OW 11.13
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Quote:
I GUESS I WORRY THAT IF I STAND FOR MY MARRIAGE FOR 2.5 YEARS AND IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, THAT I WILL BE 2.5 YEARS OLDER AND MAY NEVER FIND SOMEONE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. SAYING THAT I STILL TRUELY BELIEVE THAT ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I ALSO WORRY THAT 2.5 YEARS OF STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE MAY NOT BE THE BEST THING FOR MY KIDS. I APPRECIATE THAT IT IS A GREAT EXAMPLE TO THEM TO SEE ME FIGHTING FOR MY MARRIAGE BUT THERE FATHER ISN'T THE BEST INFLUENCE FOR THEM AT PRESENT, DUE TO HIS MENTAL HEALTH. IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULDN'T ALLOW AS MUCH ACCESS AS I DO.


You're going to be 2.5 years older anyway and if you use the time for really working on yourself, you'll be so much better prepared for your next R, no matter who it's with. You'll also be a better mother, friend, employee.

What I notice is you're living your life in the future, all the worries you mentioned are in the future. Live in the day, each day.

You have no idea what you're life will look like in 2.5 years and while it's good to have goals to work toward, you can't plan for anything really, other than uncertainty and how you handle that.

And about your goal(s)...
Quote:
I WANT TO BE IN A LOVING MARRIAGE WITH MY HUSBAND.
, hat's really broad.

What does that look like to you?
Did you have that before?
Again what can you do to help you?

About your kids, I don't know that standing is a good example for them. I think it's hard to know how our kids see our R, or how they will see our R.

I think living a happy, fulfilled life is the most positive thing we can do for them.

Quote:
IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULDN'T ALLOW AS MUCH ACCESS AS I DO.
I would really think about this. Why would standing for your M make that different? If he's "not a good influence" and I don't know what that means, he's not a good influence. Is he doing inappropriate of dangerous things with the kids?

I don't know what your H's specific problem is, I have rad a bit of your threads but the book Depression Fallout might be helpful. Is he drinking or drugging? Do you know?

Best of luck, CC.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Had I started out thinking it was going to be 2.5 years I would have have had concerns to, that's why I tried to take it one day at a time.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2401467 11/06/13 03:26 PM
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My dilemma:

When H and I went out of town last month, we did the 5LLs test, talked about what that meant for each of us and made a plan that we would do something fun (QT) together once a month. We would alternate who did the planning, in the past it's 90% been me. I've got Dec covered, Nov would have been his month(yes, I know it's not over yet)but there has been no talk of a plan and I'm starting to feel "same ole, same ole"

To his credit, other things have changed, he's done a lot of work here at the house of his own volition. He brought me a load of firewood yesterday. I am more than grateful for these things. He's an acts of service guy.

But going out and doing fun things is important to me. Having someone plan that with me in mind is like gold...and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. He could put the canoe on the truck, pack peanut butter sandwiches, come and honk the horn in front of the house and I would be ecstatic!

How do I bring this up again, without being a nag but still making my needs heard?

Or is it "Patience, Grasshopper, patience"?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2401475 11/06/13 03:52 PM
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Hi Labug....good question. I'd be inclined to nag, but thats probably the wrong answer.

Have you seen the list that Ambivilant posted on her thread from her IC? I think its something worthy of printing out and keeping for the Reconcilling Couple to refer to often. Possibly post on the fridge even!!

Curious to know what the vets say on this.

Good luck


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
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Maybe bringing you a load of wood was his plan for Nov. Maybe starting a fire and having some Malbec at home with you is what he plans for this month. Maybe he feels the pressure to come up with something. Does he know you got Dec covered? Plan for the months you agreed to and see what happens. Let him be responsible for his months. Maybe it's time to re negotiate. Do it every other month. Yeap patience.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Rick1963 #2401519 11/06/13 05:13 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
My dilemma:

When H and I went out of town last month, we did the 5LLs test, talked about what that meant for each of us and made a plan that we would do something fun (QT) together once a month. We would alternate who did the planning, in the past it's 90% been me. I've got Dec covered, Nov would have been his month(yes, I know it's not over yet)but there has been no talk of a plan and I'm starting to feel "same ole, same ole"

To his credit, other things have changed, he's done a lot of work here at the house of his own volition. He brought me a load of firewood yesterday. I am more than grateful for these things. He's an acts of service guy.

But going out and doing fun things is important to me. Having someone plan that with me in mind is like gold...and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. He could put the canoe on the truck, pack peanut butter sandwiches, come and honk the horn in front of the house and I would be ecstatic!

How do I bring this up again, without being a nag but still making my needs heard?

Or is it "Patience, Grasshopper, patience"?



Labug,
I will put this out here.

I have been quizzing my W over the last few months about what she likes and how she likes this or that, what is important to her, what is not. I want to do things that she wants and that make her happy, so I am taking the time to learn.

That said, I still run into fear, anxiety, feeling of pressure to do things for or with my W. My W has done nothing to pressure me, yet I still feel it. I think I feel pressure in my own mind that I create out of fear. It is something I am working on.

So as Rick said maybe your H feels pressure, not from you, but from himself.


M46,W41
D16,D18
M22,T25
BD 11/12
W moved out 01/13
Piecing 10/13
Divorced 01/15
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can."
UrWorthy
labug #2401750 11/07/13 01:31 PM
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And about your goal(s)...
Quote:
I WANT TO BE IN A LOVING MARRIAGE WITH MY HUSBAND.
, hat's really broad.

What does that look like to you? Mutual respect for eachother. Sharing each others lives. Showing eachother the love we need, him words, me actions.
Did you have that before? Yes, but not for a few years.....not that I realised it!
Again what can you do to help you? I'm working on my side of the marriage, the mistakes I made. I'm in therapy, I've got a life. I'm there for him but not perusing him. I'm focusing on myself and the kids.

About your kids, I don't know that standing is a good example for them. I think it's hard to know how our kids see our R, or how they will see our R.

I think living a happy, fulfilled life is the most positive thing we can do for them.

Quote:
IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULDN'T ALLOW AS MUCH ACCESS AS I DO.
I would really think about this. Why would standing for your M make that different? If he's "not a good influence" and I don't know what that means, he's not a good influence. Is he doing inappropriate of dangerous things with the kids?

MY HUSBAND IS SPIRALLING, MAKING BAD DECISIONS THAT ARE EFFECTING OUR KIDS BOTH FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. HE'S NOT IN CONTROL OF THE THINGS HE SAYS AND OFTEN I HAVE TO SET BOUNDARIES ON WHAT HE DISCUSSED IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR CHILDREN. IF I WASN'T STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE I WOULD HAVE CUT ACCESS UNTIL HE COULD SELF SENSOR, BUT I AM STANDING SO I SET BOUNDARIES INSTEAD.

I don't know what your H's specific problem is, I have rad a bit of your threads but the book Depression Fallout might be helpful. Is he drinking or drugging? Do you know?

HE IS ABUSING FOOD....I SUSPECT ALCOHOL TOO AND THERE ARE RUMOURS ABOUT DRUGS. I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE THIS BUT I FIND A LOT OF WHAT HE'S DOING HARD TO BELIEVE.

Best of luck, CC.
[/quote]


M32 H37
DD1 6 DD2 5
M6 T10
EA 31.08.13
Separated and H moved out 19.09.13
ILYBINILWY 23.09.13
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CC, please think about this. Standing for your M doesn't include allowing someone who is actively using to do whatever they want. DBing isn't meant for dealing with abuse of any kind. It can be an adjunct in strengthening you but if you believe because of your husband's activities your children are in any kind of danger, speak up. If he's dangerous to himself, he's dangerous to them.

Have you heard of AlAnon? At this point most people get antsy and say "But my ___ isn't an alcoholic!" He doesn't have to be, it's a support group for family and friends of problem drinkers. I learned so much there, especially about boundaries, and got such wonderful support. You can go and participate or you can sit in the back and never say a word. Sort of like lurking here as most people do before they make their first post.

I'm glad you have an IC, keep up working on yourself.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: makingmagic
Hi Labug....good question. I'd be inclined to nag, but thats probably the wrong answer.

Have you seen the list that Ambivilant posted on her thread from her IC? I think its something worthy of printing out and keeping for the Reconcilling Couple to refer to often. Possibly post on the fridge even!!

Curious to know what the vets say on this.

Good luck


Where is this list?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Rick1963 #2401795 11/07/13 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Maybe bringing you a load of wood was his plan for Nov. Maybe starting a fire and having some Malbec at home with you is what he plans for this month. Maybe he feels the pressure to come up with something. Does he know you got Dec covered? Plan for the months you agreed to and see what happens. Let him be responsible for his months. Maybe it's time to re negotiate. Do it every other month. Yeap patience.


Thank you, Sensei.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
jp787 #2401797 11/07/13 03:17 PM
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Quote:
Labug,
I will put this out here.

I have been quizzing my W over the last few months about what she likes and how she likes this or that, what is important to her, what is not. I want to do things that she wants and that make her happy, so I am taking the time to learn.

That said, I still run into fear, anxiety, feeling of pressure to do things for or with my W. My W has done nothing to pressure me, yet I still feel it. I think I feel pressure in my own mind that I create out of fear. It is something I am working on.

So as Rick said maybe your H feels pressure, not from you, but from himself.


That could be.

It's unanimous...patience.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2401801 11/07/13 03:30 PM
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M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
labug #2401804 11/07/13 03:38 PM
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Life can be incredible.

I wrote this in Ad's thread a few days ago:
Quote:
Sometimes when we leave things alone, they advance without us.

That's been a difficult one for me to accept. Stand back and let what's supposed to happen, happen.


I should take my own advice more often.

I just got an invite from H to a big party at a beautiful ranch. It has to do with his connections from work, a ranch manager is moving on so this will be quite the party. These are people he really likes.

Stand back and let life happen.

“Humility means accepting reality with no attempt to outsmart it.” David Richo


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Originally Posted By: makingmagic


Thanks for that, lots of grist for the mill. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2402059 11/08/13 04:40 AM
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smile use it wisely!!!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
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Just catching up on your situation labug. Glad to hear that you are in a great place.

Thanks for all your great advice on my threads. I really appreciate your interest.


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
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Hi Bug!

My H and I did the alternating months thing too, about 10 years ago when marriage counseling was necessary but not an option. It was my own version of how to fix our marriage. I'm a planner, H is not. I think I went first and then he never planned any of his dates, and it fizzled out, and I was resentful. A real mutual cooperative relationship would have opportunities to share and revisit how it's going.

You might consider sharing with H that, being a planner, a few days into the month you were anxious that this wasn't going to happen, that you regret feeling that and actively tried to let it go. He might respect that. You might consider sharing with him that you think this assignment might feel like pressure on him, and see if he feels that way or you're assuming something that isn't there. Does he feel set up to fail on this? Can you have conversations like this without creating more pressure? I would hope to be in a relationship someday where things like this could get aired out.

I've noticed that he seems less of a plan in advance kind of person, and you're more of one, and with monthly dates as a goal, you're going to have to navigate that difference so no one feels set up or let down.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
adinva #2402968 11/10/13 11:27 PM
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Bug, I finally found you here, in piecing. I agree with Adinva, you can share your feelings with H and see if he feels any pressure. If he does, maybe you need to renegotiate that arrangement. Or, maybe it is not something that comes to him naturally, so you need to give it some more time.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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Yes I need to continue to cool my jets, as usual.

I will have a conversation about expectations and pressure if it gets to that point, so far it's been a lot of speculation by me which is what often gets me in trouble. I need to go back and read what I wrote to SP a few days back regarding reacting based on what we THINK might happen, instead of living life.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2403310 11/11/13 11:43 PM
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Bug, it is always easier to see someone else’s sitch. This is why it is so beneficial to be on this board. I have all the confidence that you will figure it out. You are one of the wisest people on this site.


M:50
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I gotten to know myself very well. I listen to my mind far too often.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2403790 11/13/13 02:41 AM
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Labug, I am like you, wanting to have things done a certain way and being the initiator of those things. I also like fun, spontaneous adventures! smile I like your idea of the alternating months to do something fun. Was that your idea or your H? For me the anticipation and mystery would be exciting. If it was me I would probably say something lighthearted like, "I've got something exciting planned for my month, I think you will really like it, just you wait!". (kind of hinting like, YOUR month is ALSO coming up, hint, hint!) Then just sit back and watch his reaction to gauge where he is at with the idea. If he seems to be flustered upon talking about it, or reacts negatively, then you will know you may have to back off a bit.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

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I like that idea, CP, because we've also agreed that we need more fun in our lives. Just fun for no good reason.

Thanks.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2403925 11/13/13 03:06 PM
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I posted on Kate's thread in Newcomers that I've had some anger surfacing lately and how the way I deal with that now is so different.

For some reason that reminded me to look for an article I promised to send a friend. As I was reading through it to make sure it was what I wanted, I came across these words:

"Yet, what does my behavior convey to him when he happens to behave in ways I do not like? Am I transmitting full acceptance of where he is at in the moment? Or am I transmitting disapproval, through verbal and/or non-verbal communication (i.e. body language)?

Am I still in a place of self-awareness and choice as to prioritize connection? Or am I pulled into reactivity and conditionality? Maybe withdrawing emotionally from him, or withholding the relationship in reactive, subconscious ways"...

"If I indiscriminately buy into the cultural conditioning that love is a feeling, my behavior will reflect that. All emotions, pleasant neutral or unpleasant, change every so many seconds, depending on situations, what need is stirred in us, and what thoughts we focus on and cultivate."...

"Holding love as an autonomous value puts the responsibility of loving and "feeling loved" (i.e. meeting my need for love) on me. I empower myself to care for and look after this seed of love, water it, and help it grow into a healthy, hearty plant."

I needed to read that this morning because my old ways were to use my tone and body language to express dissatisfaction. I withheld affection. There was a lot of "If you loved me then..." both spoken and unspoken.

I'm not that person anymore but I have to practice that everyday in every interaction.

S20 and I had a difficult conversation last night about an agreement we had made with a target date of Jan 1st. The agreement was important so I wrote it down and had given it to him to make any changes. He had handed it back to me without changes and said he was in agreement.

He now doesn't remember that and has made no moves toward satisfying the agreement.

However, we were able to have a discussion about it that was a reiteration of the facts, and while he was clearly unhappy there was no dredging up the past, no old resentments. I was able to validate where necessary and ask for clarification when needed.

I was present in that moment, not entrenched in the past.

And I was able to sleep last night. No worried tossing and turning.

As they say in AlAnon, It Works If You Work It.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2406720 11/20/13 06:45 PM
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I am getting up to speed on your deal here, Bug. I am late to the party, but congratulations. I think we landed here round about the same time....good to see positives for you. You deserve good things.

Crimson

Crimson #2406998 11/21/13 02:55 PM
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Crimson, thanks. I remember back in the early days and I would post a different detaching bullet point on your thread daily.

Good things will come your way, I had to get out of my own way to allow that to happen.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2407003 11/21/13 03:04 PM
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To update my story, H and I told our sons about our rekindled R. They were both happy, S21 cautiously so, but I get that.

The time has gone so quickly, it's already been 3 months of dating.

We went to the ranch party last weekend and had a great time. We had to drive 90 minutes to get to the ranch but driving time is always good talking time. We discussed different ways to handle money, that was a big problem before because I controlled it and penny-pinched. He felt like he had to ask me for money and he doesn't want to do that so we'll do something different. We have a couple of options on the table.

He came here after work for dinner. That was different, good but different. That's the first time he's eaten dinner here in almost 3 years.

And so it goes.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2407338 11/22/13 12:33 PM
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Quote:
Good things will come your way, I had to get out of my own way to allow that to happen.


Would you help me understand this?

Thanks


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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Bug, and UR

Funny, when I clicked on the link and saw my thread my response was " I wonder who posted a list, did I miss something ? "

laugh When I saw it was the list I posted, I had to smile.

I am NOwhere near using that list! It really is for those who are piecing. I realized that about a week after my downward spiral.

I am so happy that you will use it and hope it helps.

Yay! I have given back!

Anyhoo, thought I'd pop in for spirit lifting. BUST ON!


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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I concur with Chasing.

Or something that boosts his ego! " Oh H. this is killing me, I know you are so ( insert adjective here ) and I can't wait to see what you've come up with for our special date! I didn't think this would be so exciting ! "


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
Quote:
Good things will come your way, I had to get out of my own way to allow that to happen.


Would you help me understand this?

Thanks


I'm a controller, a defense mechanism that I carried into adulthood. If I could just control things tightly enough that nothing ever went wrong, everything would be OK. i think we all have those, "If I just make x money, everything will be OK", "If I just have this house..." "When the kids get to pre-school, middle school, college..." "If I get that promotion..." "If my H comes back..."

We all know that's not true. Everything will never be OK. That's life. smirk

I've learned that in letting go of the control and the drive to get where I think everything will be OK, things are better than OK. Sometimes life leads you where you need to be, not where you think you want to be but you have to let go in order to see that and enjoy it.

Does life still have ups and downs, certainly but I accept those as a part of life not a permanent state of being.

There are so many slogans that play on this:

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.~John Lennon

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.~Joseph Campbell

We can always choose to perceive things differently. You can focus on what's wrong in your life, or you can focus on what's right.~Marianne Williamson

I equate ego with trying to figure everything out instead of going with the flow. That closes your heart and your mind to the person or situation that's right in front of you, and you miss so much.~Pema Chodron


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2407589 11/22/13 10:02 PM
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I am so delighted for you, Bug. Thank you for commenting. Stop by my thread whenever you have a chance. I think I was well on the way to detaching - then XW moved back in for spring and was gone again by June. I ti didn't CRUSH me - but it was painful. I am learning to move forward again. Lately I have begun to realize that while I DO miss her on one level or abother - I mostly miss my son. I get far more emotional pain being without him that I do with her at this point. In a perverse way, that is progress on my part.

Crimson

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Bug,

I am so happy for you that you are piecing. You are an inspiration to many. Wishing you all the happiness in the world.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Hi Bug, I just finally found your thread, and wanted to say what an inspiration you are! Such great wisdom from you and others on this thread. We have a lot of similarities in our situations, so I pay particular attention to your insight when I see your posts.

I love that you are dating your H. I hope things continue to go well. smile

I am soooooo in my own way right now . . . must work on that. Great to see the reminders here.


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
melissag #2408252 11/25/13 08:08 AM
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Bug,

Just stopping by to say hi. I went for a walk on the strand today to watch the sunset and thought about you.

I am so happy things are continuing to improve and move forward - with you... (and also with your H). wink

(((((bug))))


PS - I see this that you brought the party with you over here - I see a lot of names I know. It's good to see so many still posting!
(I posted today in Newcomers, but hardly recognized any name. There should be a section for "not-so-newcomers" lol...)


Me & H: 44
D7, D6, S3
Together: 20y, M: 17y
EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
D Negotiating began 2/15
OW seemingly gone on 3/15
Still negotiating D






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I'm happy for you. You are such a special person. Thanks, and I would have loved walking on The Strand with you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2408312 11/25/13 02:50 PM
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And k_g, as you know, it took me a while to get to where I am and it takes awareness every minute of every day.

H and I had a talk yesterday afternoon. He came up and fixed something, he's always fixing something. It amazes me because there was a point when he said, quite emphatically, that he didn't want to do "another effin' thing to that house!"

He wants to come home. I don't think we're quite there yet. He's OK with that.

We talked about what we each needed in the R. Mine of course was: I want you to plan something for us to do, nothing says love to me more than you thinking about what I would enjoy and planning it. I said my fear is that we will fall back into the same old pattern.
His response: I'm not really good at that.
I said: What does you're "not really good" at that mean?
H: You sound like a psychiatrist. (in the past, about right here is when I would have gone off the rails)
M: I just want to know what part of it is difficult.

So, it turns out that he doesn't like to go to the movies. (I love it) The people in movie theaters (talking, cell phones, etc) irritate him. OK. We can work around that. Then we go into listing things that we could do. We decided to continue to think and talk about it.

There is some block there for him.

He did share that he knows we're better at talking about things, and that he's comfortable bringing up difficult subjects because I am in control of my emotions and he is, too. He said these exact words "People can change."

Later I sent him and email, just to say "I want this to work out. I don't want either of us to be as unhappy as we were 3 years ago."

He responded:
We are two different people. We just have to balance, "middle ground".

I have had the best times of my life with you,... I want more.

My fear is that I will fall short.

I never want to disappoint anyone especially the people I love, but oft times do.

His "stuff' is surfacing.

Progress is being made.

Slow and steady.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2408313 11/25/13 02:54 PM
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I forgot one piece, I also told him that a fear was that he wouldn't let me know when things are bothering him, and that his resentment would grow and then kablooey! That's when he said that wouldn't happen, we're getting better at discussing things, he's not as fearful of my reactions and "People can change."


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2408544 11/26/13 03:13 AM
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That is also a fear of mine, that H will close himself off and not let me know when things are bothering him. My H kept quiet for so long until things got awful then dropped the bomb. It sounds like you are getting better at keeping those lines of communication open -which is key. How can you work on things if you don't know if a problem exists? That is what I worry about. Keep at it, and let him know you are there to listen! You are doing a great job.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

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It is going well and I know, after all the work of the last 3 years of so, that his stuff is his to figure out. I can't fix it. I said pretty much the same thing to my IC yesterday.

I can just love him through it, and tend to my own stuff.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2408797 11/26/13 09:57 PM
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hi bug!


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
adinva #2408818 11/26/13 10:55 PM
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Wow, great stuff here Bug! Glad to see things are continuing to progress.

As for planning dates, maybe the two of you can write down a bunch of things you would like to do together, throw them in a jar and then H can pick one on his months. You will still be surprised (to a certain extent) by what he plans and it will take the pressure off of him until he gets used to doing it.

Quote:
My fear is that I will fall short.

This may also be a fear of your H's, esp when it comes to planning the time he knows you need.


M 46
H 44
D 12 S 8
M 9 T 11
BD 2/15/13
"Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13
Agree we are 'healing' 7/13
Definitely Piecing 9/13
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I should have made it clearer, that was all part of his response, that he fears falling short.

I like the jar idea, I really like it! Thanks, LTH


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2408972 11/27/13 01:54 PM
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It's a drive-by from Ad.

Hi Ad!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2409002 11/27/13 03:00 PM
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Hi Bug! I'm back form a two month break, surfing around and catching up on sitch's. It's so good to see you here in Piecing and in a good place. It makes me smile for you and H! smile Happy Thanksgiving!


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
labug #2409004 11/27/13 03:04 PM
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Oooo, I like the jar idea too! It is a fantastic way to take pressure off, and if he doesn't like what was pulled he can:

Write something new down

Put it back and pull again

Or....look up date night ideas online!

There are an abundance of them.


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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Oh Ladybug,

To be where you are is a firm goal for me. I have started coming here to read stories of from where ya'll have come and to where ya'll landed.

VERY inspiring. Happy Thanksgiving!


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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Originally Posted By: RealityTrip
Hi Bug! I'm back form a two month break, surfing around and catching up on sitch's. It's so good to see you here in Piecing and in a good place. It makes me smile for you and H! smile Happy Thanksgiving!


Welcome back, RT! Thanks for stopping by and that your situation has changed for the better.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2409309 11/28/13 02:46 PM
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Hi bug, just wanted to stop in and say thanks for all your input on my thread. Sounds like things are going really well with you and your H - so happy for you!

Hope you have a great Thanksgiving. smile


me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14
melissag #2409462 11/29/13 02:10 PM
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Thanks, Melissa, it was a lovely Thanksgiving.

I worked. I love my job and this has been my life (working some major holidays every year) so you get used to it and enjoy it. Life is too short to waste any of it.

H and S20 fixed dinner, the whole she-bang! There's always a chance I might get to come home during the day but that didn't happen. H brought MIL here and they all had a good time.

Hope your day was also good, different but good.

We all have so much to be grateful for.

When I got home at almost 8, the food was put away and the kitchen cleaned, so I didn't cook and didn't clean up but I have the leftovers.

Now that's something to be grateful for.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2409485 11/29/13 05:26 PM
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Hi Bug! Your Thanksgiving sounds great!

I'm glad you're still posting. I get a lot out of what you write.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
adinva #2409489 11/29/13 05:34 PM
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Hey Bug, good to see you here wink

Glad things are going well (and slow) :))

JuneReN #2410011 12/02/13 02:02 PM
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I'm a pretty introverted person but this piecing area is quiet, even for me...but then look at my post numbers. Will she ever shut up???

H and I spent most of the long weekend together. He went home at night but we worked together just like old times. AOS guy that he is, he (we) cleaned the garage. Working together like that gave us lots of time to talk about all kinds of things, changes I'd made in the garage and house and why, things he would like to do differently, what we missed most while apart. Things are progressing.

We also both realize that we've changed during the time apart and we each value being able to do what we want to do when we want to do it. We appreciate the separate alone time we have now. We have varied interests between us, some shared, some not. Things to think about when joining 2 lives.

I know couples who have "dated" for years. I now understand that choice.

H and I are going out of town this week, it's my birthday and our Christmas gift all rolled into one. (thanks, groupon!) We haven't really given Christmas gifts, other than little things, for years. I'd rather have experiences over stuff. The trip S24 and I took last year after Christmas will be with us for the rest of our lives.

We're going up north and there's the possibility of snow, which I think is fun, H is concerned about driving and where we're staying is off the beaten track a bit. If it snows it could be dicey and H likes to be safe. While I appreciate and love that about him, it can sometimes take the adventure out of life. We talked about the forecast and he was concerned, asked if we could get the money back if we canceled. I said yes, if we did it early enough and then added, we're staying Wed and Thur nights, if we go and the roads are bad on Fri, we could just stay another night, I have nothing to do over the weekend. Would that work for you?

He thought about it and agreed that that would work for him too.

I'm doing (walking, my knees sent official notice that they no longer run) a 5K Color Run with Niece on Sat. If I had to miss that she'd understand.

Hope everyone had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.

The Ohio State Buckeyes beat Michigan! That was very enjoyable for me.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2410215 12/03/13 12:48 AM
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I'm a pretty introverted person but this piecing area is quiet, even for me...but then look at my post numbers. Will she ever shut up???

Bugsy I think people in piecing are busy doing the thingy......... You know BACHATA. Lol


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Rick1963 #2410243 12/03/13 02:09 AM
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Ohhhhhh, thanks mi amigo.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2410435 12/03/13 05:56 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Working together like that gave us lots of time to talk about all kinds of things, changes I'd made in the garage and house and why, things he would like to do differently, what we missed most while apart. Things are progressing.


^^^ love this. Talking and re-dreaming new possibilites together. wink

I hope you have a great weekend! Sounds like it will be fun... and without Wi-Fi! lol! We'll all have to wait for the snow to melt for you to catch a signal and fill us in.

I think Piecing is way too quiet too! As soon as I'm more secure in my possible reconciliation process and if we progress as a marriage far enough...

"I, RT, do solemnly swear that when I am Piecing I will write, blog, vent, laugh, and share my Piecing journey in the Piecing forum for all others to continue to help guide me, for newbies to draw hope from on tough days and for my Piecing peers to learn from. So help me Bug." wink


Me(F):40 WAW:44
T:13yrs M:9yrs
BD:2/12 (I saw a text)
ILYBINILWY: 5/12
PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11)
S:2/13
Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13
W moves home to R: 10/13
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I join in with the promise that when my relationship is reconciled or I find love in a different form, I will share. I will share all and I promise to be happy and positive.

Fingers crossed this isn't a million miles away for me!


M32 H37
DD1 6 DD2 5
M6 T10
EA 31.08.13
Separated and H moved out 19.09.13
ILYBINILWY 23.09.13
OW 11.13
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Thanks! All best wishes to you both.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Click to reveal..
"I, RT, do solemnly swear that when I am Piecing I will write, blog, vent, laugh, and share my Piecing journey in the Piecing forum for all others to continue to help guide me, for newbies to draw hope from on tough days and for my Piecing peers to learn from. So help me Bug." wink


I LOVE this! Oh for it to be so. I too shall take the vow. From what I read here, this can be a very challenging process. All the activity, support, sharing, and venting is so appreciated.

I try and come here for pma...God knows we need it on the rollercoaster of insanity.


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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((((((((((((((((((((bug))))))))))))))))))))

you are such an inspiration.. so much growth and wisdom. i am so so happy that you are in such a good place as a person and how that is impacting your R. smile

ps. so glad to hear that things seem to be moving forward in a good way for you too RT. smile


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
needgrace #2412288 12/08/13 05:01 PM
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Thanks, grace. How are you?

I hope what I've learned can be helpful to others in some small way. It's taken so many little lessons with the input of many people for me to get to where I am.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2412460 12/09/13 03:32 AM
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Hey Bug, the dating sounds fun and you both seem to be coming at it from such a good place. Hope your weekend trip is fun & exciting.

I get the safe thing. If your H is anything like me, its not that adventure isn't fun but that whole "failing" thing if things go wrong and you can't fix it. That can be tough on guys. But looks like you offered up a good solution to help him get past that. Very cool.

(oh, and very bummed about the Ohio State, Michigan State game. My SIL went to MSU and is extremely obnoxious about it.)

Hope you get to do the color run. Those look fun!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2412524 12/09/13 02:50 PM
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ces, thanks for the visit! The OSU game was sad but Michigan State won it, no doubt. Maybe we need a new defensive coordinator.

We had a great getaway. No snow, cold and rain the first day but that just made it more fun to cozy up. We even talked about buying property in that little town, but then, I want to buy property everywhere. smile This got us talking about our past real estate adventures and I learned something I needed to know. WE bought a place that was foundation and 4 exterior log walls. He finished it, which took him away from home (he took older son with him) but that was H's job for the months it took to complete.

Our plan was to use it as vacation rental but it didn't work out, so we sold it.

That was probably 10 years ago and all this time, I've thought that he resented that project and me for getting us into it. His feelings were the exact opposite. He liked working on it and being in that location. He enjoyed the time with S and he was sad when we sold it. He also reminded me that we came out way on top in the deal.

So again, mindreading does us no good. I beat myself up about that for a long time.

And ces, thanks for this insight:
Quote:
I get the safe thing. If your H is anything like me, its not that adventure isn't fun but that whole "failing" thing if things go wrong and you can't fix it. That can be tough on guys.
He has said something very similar to that about failing. It's been a bit of a theme throughout this process. I think we need to talk more about that maybe.

Or how could I best validate his feelings around that?

Thanks, buddy!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2412553 12/09/13 03:50 PM
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love your update bug and so happy that you enjoyed your getaway. smile i love to read how you continue to open up to hearing H and not allowing fear and hurt to get in the way. smile


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
labug #2412573 12/09/13 04:59 PM
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I think the best reassurance is love & support despite imperfection.

Have you seen the Brene Brown video's on the TED Talks? She has a couple there on vulnerability & shame. She quotes the guy that made her expand her research beyond just women. It went something like this..

"The women in my life would rather see me die on my white horse than see me fall off..."

It's an expectation (real or false?) that men are not allowed to fail and if we do, then we have no value.

So I guess, smile at him when he falls off. Hug him and then go riding together...


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Yes, love Brene Brown and have watched the TED talks, should watch again.

Thanks for the tip, he does love to ride horses.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2412821 12/10/13 03:00 AM
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I've found the same thing to be true about my H... I will do the same thing, assume that he has resentful feelings about something for the longest time to realize later that he didn't. You're definitely right about the not trying to mind-read thing.. it gets me into trouble smile


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

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I hate horse smile


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Rick1963 #2413278 12/11/13 01:38 AM
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Ohhhh Rick, I forgot about that. eek

I'll have to see if bowtie pasta is on the menu next time he cooks for me.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2413852 12/12/13 11:35 AM
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Quote:
Or how could I best validate his feelings around that?


For me I loved it when my W would just hug me and tell me she loved me and it would be okay and then ask me how can we fix or get past this. Thats it... all I needed was to know I was still loved and it would be okay whatever happened. Sounds stupid but that's what I needed.


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
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Thanks, SG, that echoes what ces said so that's the tack I will take.

We had another talk about him moving here and I said, "I need to know that when issues arise in the future that we won't shut down or fail to mention when something is off. Can we believe in our R enough to be OK with all the feelings that happen in a R. When something comes up, can we first remember the love, give the benefit of the doubt and be able to work it out?" That's not verbatim but it's close.

He said he could. One of his complaints at BD was that I didn't listen or when something was wrong, I went on and on and on...(he's right) and often times it became of litany of everything he had ever done wrong. He says he has experienced that I could be different in those interactions now.

Did you ever go on a giant slide? You climb and climb and climb and finally get to the top. With anticipation you walk to the edge of the platform but when it's your turn, you look at the height and fear holds you back from that last step. You know you want to go down the slide but there's that hesitation...


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2413980 12/12/13 06:09 PM
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What a great visual to explain the feelings. Gets the point across very well.

You're on the verge of a leap of faith. The reality is that you both can say all the right things and there's still a risk getting back together. The truth is (and you know this) that you'll both stumble for the mere fact that you're human. And until you're in that situation you won't truly know if you'll be able to act and respond in a healthier way.

Courage....((((Bug))))


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
ces67 #2414087 12/12/13 11:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: ces67
What a great visual to explain the feelings. Gets the point across very well.

You're on the verge of a leap of faith. The reality is that you both can say all the right things and there's still a risk getting back together. The truth is (and you know this) that you'll both stumble for the mere fact that you're human. And until you're in that situation you won't truly know if you'll be able to act and respond in a healthier way.

Courage....((((Bug))))


Well said... (((BUG)))


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
subguy #2414114 12/13/13 02:08 AM
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Yes, it is a leap of faith.

Yes, there is fear.

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.

Thanks guys, I appreciate the wisdom.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2414189 12/13/13 12:35 PM
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It's a scary adventure. But so is the alternative.


M32 H37
DD1 6 DD2 5
M6 T10
EA 31.08.13
Separated and H moved out 19.09.13
ILYBINILWY 23.09.13
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Thanks, CC. But here's the thing, the alternative (if you mean H not being in my life) isn't scary. At all.

There would be sadness, I'm sure but I've learned my happiness doesn't depend on another person.

I'm fine and love my life right now.

I don't want that to change no matter who is or isn't in my life.

But that's up to me.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2414238 12/13/13 03:08 PM
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Still Dating

New thread.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2416294 12/20/13 02:30 AM
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Just found this on the Keeping the Changes Going board, it's from 2011 but is still relevant.

From Young at Heart:

While not a Golden Rule, there is something that I learned at a Gottman weekend seminar with my wife that I feel is an important lesson.

What we were told is that we should never try to negotiate a change in our spouse's behavior until we can explain/understand their position as well as they do.

Once we have really listened and understood what they are saying and know why they don't want to do something, then and only then, can we hope to be able to discuss and see if change is possible. That advice really helped me in resolving some asspects of what had been an SSM.

Real giving and giving of unconditional love, love that isn't asking for something in return is so important.

Laughing is really important! The sex therapist who helped my wife and me, told us that sex should be child-like and playful and involve laughter. She said that some people self-medicate with alcohol to achieve a child-like state to improve sex, but it is much better if you learn to skip the alcohol.

For my wife and me, listening to each other is critical as one of her languages of love is quality time. It we don't have quality time where we listen and talk to each other, she just doesn't feel loved.

As to the stranger standard, I am constantly reminded how easy it is to say please and thank you to a stranger who really doesn't care about me than it use to be to my wife who loved me. I now make sure I thank her for all she does for me and that I appreciate what she does, as opposed to taking her for granted.

Forgiveness truly is a gift we give ourselves. There is sister rule to this and that is to apologize for hurting our spouse and take ownership for some of the problems that are in your marriage.

The only other thing I can think of at the moment is on the importance of GAL, growing yourself into a better person physically, spiritually, and ethically. To me GAL and changing yourself in ways that improve you is a why of showing yourself and your spouse that change is possible and that as long as we live, we can and should work on improving ourselves and our relationship with others.

Thanks


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2416295 12/20/13 02:41 AM
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Whoops wrong thread. blush


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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