I too was the WAW who changed her mind. I was absolutely certain and move 2700 miles away, but something happened I had an epiphany. I had to do much soul searching and when I did tell him I wanted to reconcile he said he wasn't closed to the idea but not entirely open to it. I have been reading and trying not to pursue. I don't know if it is working too soon to tell. I know he loves me because he has told me. I am now moving back to be within the same city and hopefully work on a reconciliation. He said he is dating others and wants to continue to do so. I am allowing that to just happen because I did give him the green light when I walked away, hopefully nothing serious will come from his dating. I don't what to do now, how much contact, how much is too much, what to say what do? My mind is all a flutter with emotions which I am desperately trying not to show him how desperately I want to be with him again. I made all the wrong mistakes and want to stop making them. I know he is hurt and confused and dealing with his own emotions right now and me adding pressure will only confuse him more and push him out the door. Some that know what I am trying to do, think I should pursue more and try to convince him but I don't believe this is the appropriate position, he will either come to it or he won't. At this point I am just trying to focus on me and work on myself and getting on with a life that just might not include him. Trying to stay hopeful and keep focused are difficult but if I want my husband back I need to do the required work on me that will make that happen, because even if we do reconcile it cannot be the same relationship as before.
I have read bits of both books online and am waiting for my own copies of the books to arrive at the library. Wishing I'd found this goldmine back in Feb when we were still living in the same house!
My long-term goal is to be together again when both kids have graduated from high school--I've got seven years. I am a very patient person.
But I'm the one who moved out, and from what I've read here . . . that's not good. I should've stayed and started DBing him right after the bomb dropped. Instead, I begged and pleaded (first) and freaked out when he wouldn't stop seeing the OW. Maybe he would've left, anyway, eventually, but maybe not. I don't know. I only know I couldn't stand to live in that house with him, knowing he was with the OW every chance he got. I felt a powerful need to flee. So I fled. I regret that now, even though I AM much happier in my own house, and even the kids like it better here. We are a 5-minute walk from him, so they can go back and forth easily. They stay with him on the weekends, mostly.
I guess I can tell myself I did a MAJOR 180 by moving out and no longer being there to try (and fail) to please him. But I worry about the out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing. A lot.
Me 47, H 39 D 13, S 11 M: 17 years T: 19 years H's PA began: Oct 2012 Bomb: 02/13 Moved to MP: May 2013
Yes, but I feel like I am still doing everything wrong. We did talk and he said he did not want to get my hopes up. We did end up spending the night together not sure if that is wrong or not, but the next time I saw him he was keeping his distance but he did ask me to stay and watch some of our favorite tv shows that he had recorded. I also noticed that he had kept the cake toppers and the goblets from our wedding and had them on display. Trying not to read too much into that either.
I am just trying to keep things light not make demands, staying focused on me and trying to imagine a life without him. We did have a funny situation we had gone to lunch and the cashier asked us if we were together or separate we both started laughing and he said, "That is a very interesting question...inside joke." He later reiterated that he did not want to be married now, and did not want to get my hopes up, so I am just keeping my distance.
I have been reading the Dbing books and trying to keep things light and not pressured. I need to practice not contacting him and letting him initiate contact and leaving before he requests it give it a little mystery. The hardest part is even though I am the WAW I still feel him blaming me for everything and not accepting any responsibility. I guess this really isnt necessary but to be both the bad person and be thought of as the person who is 100% at fault really [censored] not matter how much I know this isn't true. ~Iva
Thank you for asking, several reasons actually; First each of us were going through a MLC at the same time.
Our biggest issue was, he has a close friend (she was both of our friend) told him I wanted to have an affair (she was having an affair). She and I obviously had a falling out because of this betrayal, which he said he saw as simple little issue except at the time he confronted me with her statement. This simple statement caused many issues and fights.
This "friend" would drag him into our disagreements by copying and pasting letters, emails etc of my efforts to resolve these issues to keep peace in my house. I even begged her to resolve the issues she had with me with me so that he wasn't stressed about it but she could not help herself I guess.
She also was way too involved in our relationship and made her opinions known about how she felt about me and our marriage. She would constantly manipulate facts, caused confusion. He defended her actions, comments etc. I suddenly felt very alone I didn't have his support as a husband as he didn't have my back and I just couldn't fight it anymore. I felt he didn't care what my feelings were (losing a personal friend, actually 2 him and her, she drug nearly all of our friends into this falling out. I tried to walk away, but just when things would be calm she would find some minor to keep the drama going. That said I am sure I was constantly reacting to panic and stress over the situation and certainly didn't handle it well
Other reasons, he had been pretty checked out for sometime. He didn't feel I contributed enough and frequently told me he felt everything was my fault. He couldn't "remember" details of things like asking me for a divorce at Christmas, all he could remember was I left at Christmas not why or that I had been texting and calling to try and work it out. Many examples of his "forgetting details". Too many of his friends blatent disrespect like screaming horrible names in my face and him not defending me, same person came to my house shoved a camera in my face and wished I would die, he blamed me. I tried to tell him that if they don't respect me they don't respect him either. Some of his "friends" created lots and lots of lies and rumors that he knew the truth but believed them because they were saying it. After a while I got tired of being the target for everything that was wrong and walking on eggshells. I became very despondent really didn't care about anything because I was doing it all wrong. I asked him to go to counseling and he made excuses so I started going and she encouraged me to leave.
To answer you second question I never wanted to walk away, I told him that I didnt feel I could be in "this" marriage anymore, but I didnt' get the opportunity to discuss it beyond that he just said "fine" went downstairs and sent me an email saying he wanted to get the divorce over as quickly as possible.
I knew I wanted things to change didn't know how, I tried to pretend that everything was fine but it wasn't because I thought this is what he wants and it would make him happy. He says now that he wanted me to come and talk to him, but I didn't hear or see any indication that he wanted to find a way to work it out, possibly I wasn't reading the signs either. Now he doesn't want to anymore so I guess I was right I suppose.
Is there anyone out there who has good advice about Sex? I can't seem to find anything on this specific issue. My H tells me he still doesn't see us together and wants to explore a relationship with this OW but still wants to have sex with me and wants to spend time together being friends. He said he would like to see me every wednesday which I equate to dating etc...but I think he is viewing it as sex with the ex. I don't know if having sex is a good thing or a bad thing. I know that sex is very important to him and how he connects but he is having sex with the OW. Am I just filling in until the OW comes to visit?
He says he doesn't want to file the divorce ppwk because he says he doesn't have the $$ which I told him that if that is the only reason then that can be remedied, but he also listed off other reasons like he still loves me, isn't ready....nothing that makes me go ok we are back at working on our relationship but I am not sure if I am only hearing what I want either.
He also said that he didn't see us ever getting back together again but then he said he didn't know where we would be in 1, 2, 3 or 4 years from now.
Eric I could use all the help I can get. I was a WAW and realized that I want my H back. At first he was sending me all kinds of mixed messages, but at this point he is involved with someone else now and says he doesn't ever see us getting back together again. He then tells me he isn't in any hurry to file the divorce papers because he cannot afford it and then lists off several reasons why he isn't ready, most of them selfish. I did tell him that if he waned to get a divorce the "cost" could be remedied and should not be a factor if he is indeed ready to divorce. He at first wanted to have wife Wednesdays but when he told me about the OW I pulled back and decided that I would only see him on Sunday's (we do a show) and no pursue him. At this point we are living separately and I have very little contact with him. He doesn't respond to texts, email, phn etc. This is killing me and I am trying to practice patience and DB but I feel incredibly lost and alone as everyone (friends and family) are upset that I would #1 ask for a divorce and #2 ask to reconcile. I am trying to work on me and become stable again. I just don't know when to throw in the towel or how long I should stay dark. When I was at his house he still has our wedding pictures, cake topper and our goblets out on display even though he doesn't have to, but then right beside his robe is the OW robe. I am lost and still trying to believe.