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Thanks chl. I am doing ok, well as best as can be expected in this situation! I am going to try to keep busy and keep with my GAL's.

H took the kids away this weekend to his brother's for a bbq and to visit for a couple of days. It is kind of a relief to have him gone, as I am getting overwhelmed when he is here. It also gives me the chance to get some things done around the house, like looking through the children's homework and field trip forms, etc, and I can have some time to think about how this separation is going to play out.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 86
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CP, I think your boundaries are more than reasonable. Don't feel bad. As soon as my wife had all her things that she wanted to take from our house I asked for the house key from her. I didn't want her coming and going as she pleased. Looking back I guess it was comforting knowing that she can't invade my personal space while she had her own place that I had no access to either.

It's good you have a weekend to yourself to think and collect yourself from this recent development.


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
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Thanks for stopping by JRG, nice to see you again, hope all is well with you.

I was hoping that I wasn't too harsh with my boundaries, I did feel bad about it. He looked shocked when I told him what I expected. Then he told me that he could understand my reasoning. He was surprised when I told him that I did not want him coming and going as he wishes. I don't think it has sunk in for him yet that we are no longer sharing the house.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

Joined: May 2013
Posts: 625
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Hi Fly! Sorry I think I missed your comment or it may have shown up later. Thanks for your insight, it made me feel a lot better!

Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall


In all honesty, I think it actually might help the situation thou. Theres never been the "what am I missing" time, this might be just what the dr. ordered.

Let him discover on his own. Sometimes that's just what needs to happen for them to understand. My IC just read me a study that says, couples that separate actually do better than couples that stay together and try to work it out.

I think you are right, and us being in limbo certainly wasn't helping any. Everyone says it takes a major crisis or change in order for the WAS to gain clarity. I also don't think that all of his unhappiness is due to our marriage, I think there are other factors. My opinion is that he will still be unhappy after he moves out, and then he will probably realize that some of his unhappiness is coming from within. I guess time will tell, I am not going to hold my breath. I think he is realizing already that I am moving on.

Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall

I don't see anything wrong boundaries, in fact I think there essential. I also think its important, for you, to move his stuff out of your bedroom, if it gives you anxiety, then get it out. Maybe move the furniture around, paint it a new color, just DONT treat it like a cave that you rarely venture out of.

Already done, I moved his clothes into another room. My plan is to try to get out of the house as much as possible, exercising and doing activities with the kids, and of course, soccer wink I have already just re-painted the bedroom, perhaps I will paint another room.. I am kind of a paint addict.. love painting and decorating, keeps me happy and sane! smile
Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall

I know we're not supposed to mind read, or project our reasoning. But I think both of you made some progress during the last couple of months. Its a start, now he needs to see what the other side looks like for a little bit, I don't think its what he thinks it will be. But he needs to find out. I know my wife, and I know its taken a few months, is finding that out now.

You're right, we have made some major progress! I feel really good about that, that we were able to make those changes, I didn't know it would be possible! We had some major barriers, and we broke through. I feel so good about that.

I think he is having the typical 'grass is greener' syndrome. Trying to find his happiness elsewhere. Problem is that right now he is for the most part living as a single person, staying overnight at his brother's house, while I handle most overnights with the kids and he is free to go out as much as he wishes. He must feel such freedom right now. I want him to finally face the reality of our separation. I think he might start to realize that once he has his own place, because right now it is party time at his brother's place!

Originally Posted By: FlyOnTheWall

its just the beginning of something new, either way. Your really going to be able to detach, your really going to see things differently as your not so close to the sitch. Its almost enlightening. Your finally going to get a break from trying to be perfect around him and the pressure that goes with that.

I really hope so Fly! I hated limbo so much, and trying to be perfect, and that my future depended on it. I feel I was pretty strong for enduring all of that.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
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I agree with the others CP, there's nothing wrong with your boundaries.

If I remember right, you said a while ago that you're an Ontario girl as well. Do you get the Child Tax Benefit or your H? If it's your H and you're the one with custody,you're going to need to contact CRA - although you can't notify them of marital status change until you've been separated for 90 days - but I'd be contacting them to find out how to change who gets it. I was lucky in that I was already the one receiving the CTB so all I had to do when we first separated was change the bank account it's paid into. You can find all the information you need for that on the CRA website.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
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Thanks, I was hoping I was being reasonable.. I feel I just need the boundaries for my own peace of mind and comfort.

We do get CTC, right now it goes into our joint acct. We are going to have joint custody, so that will just be one more thing that we will have to split equally between us. The fact that we have a joint acct right now scares me a bit, and I feel like we may go into debt with this separation. I'm going back to work so that should help. Also, H will be finding a new place soon, so there will be that expense. Worries me a bit!


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,224
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Two recommendations for you CP. First, if you don't already have a chequing account in your name, I'd get one opened. If you are receiving any benefits specifically in your name(unemployment), get the deposit changed to go directly into that accoun, and get your payroll put into that account as well. If you are going to maintain joint bill payments, you can simply transfer your share into the joint account. That's what my H and I did until we were able to split the joint expenses. You may also feel more comfortable about that account if you speak to the bank and get their advice on it.

Second, I'd give CRA a call and find out what happens with CTB in joint custody cases. Just make sure you mention that you haven't been separated 90 days yet but you are checking into things. They will be able to tell you exactly what you need to do and will probably even be able to tell you who is the recipient in your household.


Both 50
S14
M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)

ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012
H moved out - 27 Jun 2013
Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013
Closing the door and changing the locks
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Posts: 1,216
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Hi CP,

I am sorry to hear about your sitch. It sounds like you are doing good things to take care of yourself and to handle the storm. Moving his stuff into another room was very good.

One idea would be to take a financial snapshot now or soon, establishing the status of things. You may also want to take snapshots of things, if divvying them up becomes relevant.

Also, though I may seem like a broken record, your H sounds like he could use going to EE. I think it will give him some clarity. Lots of the folks there were around 50, so I think he would feel comfortable.

Luke


M58, xW54
S22, D18
M 1984, D 2016
Living a new life.
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NQ, I am going to set up a bank appt for Monday. They would have an idea what I should do with my banking to set it up in this type of scenario?? I think setting up my own chequing acct would be wise.

LuckyLuke, you are right, I should start keeping a close eye on money, starting now, and how much we are spending. I am a little worried about how to go about handling finances. Perhaps I will look up some articles on the internet to help as well.

I am also going to get some advice from people who have lawyer friends. I feel lost! On one hand, I feel like since he is the one wanting to separate, why not let HIM deal with everything? On the other hand, I want to be prepared and make sure everything is done fairly. I am just worried things will get out of control if we don't start separating finances.


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

Joined: May 2013
Posts: 625
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Posts: 625
Well, I made it through my first weekend alone! H took the kids home to his parent's for the weekend. It was nice to have the weekend to myself, to get my thoughts organized. The house did feel SO quiet though. Had to leave the tv on in the background to make it feel more normal.. just felt SOOOO quiet without 6 yr old twins girls and a 5 year old son running around!!

Feeling a little bit of anxiety over the weekend, just a heavy, tight feeling in my chest. I notice I feel a lot better when I wake up in the morning. I think that anxiety slowly builds up during the day.

Such a weird feeling, that I am now a single mom to 3 kids now. When I got married I thought it was for life, and expected to have him as a partner, supporting me. I think I am doing considerably well though. I have the feeling that I can do better, and find someone that will care for me, that will be a better match for me.

Bruno Mars' song really resonates with me. I feel like we lost the love over the years, as H starting doing less and less romantic things for me. I was going through a stack of files over the weekend and came across a receipt from a necklace he bought me 7 years ago.. that was the last time he bought me anything like that. I started bawling! I think he has lost the love for me and now feels quite empty. I don't think he meant for it to happen, and he seems to feel terrible about it. He keeps telling me that he is so sorry.

When I Was Your Man -Bruno Mars

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should've bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

Although it hurts
I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man

--------------------------------------------------
I am going to find that man that will buy me flowers and hold my hand (and buy me sunflower seeds and Ferraro Rocher chocolates).. is that too much to ask?


M: 8 yrs T:14
Twins:7 S:5
BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013
Mar/Apr/May: MC
June: "living in limbo"
Sept 12: H moves out
Oct 20: reconciling
Jan-Feb 2014:MC
Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.

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