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A Message from Michele
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#2385034 09/13/13 01:25 AM
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Posted by Iva -

My name is IvaC and I have been trying to get back with my ex for a month now. Some parts are good some parts not so good. I think I have done absolutely everything wrong to get him back so not sure that anything will work. Been reading lots of Michelle's books and find them to be quite interesting.I swear she took her inspiration from me but I am having a hard time resisting my desperate urges. so I am feeling kinda low today. I know it will get better no matter where our relationship ends up. The biggest problem I have now is it seems he has some apathy towards me which tells me he has moved on in both his heart and mind. I have a hard time interpreting his 'signs' or clues.
Iva



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Original Accidentally deleted by moderator, able to save this to copy and post.


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dbmod #2385043 09/13/13 01:54 AM
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Welcome to the boards Iva. You'll find no better group of people who will try to help you get your M back on track.

First things first. Have you read DB or DR? If not, do so right away so that you can better understand the strategy used here.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2385091 09/13/13 11:43 AM
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Welcome Iva

Some more background information would be helpful.

When were you married?
How Long?
Children?
How long have you been apart?

I hope you find this thread and continue to post or start a new thread! smile smile

Sorry you are on moderation but it too will end.
Knowledge is Power.


Me-67, D35,S34
Cadet #2385372 09/13/13 11:56 PM
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dbmod #2385598 09/15/13 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted By: Iva
I too was the WAW who changed her mind. I was absolutely certain and move 2700 miles away, but something happened I had an epiphany. I had to do much soul searching and when I did tell him I wanted to reconcile he said he wasn't closed to the idea but not entirely open to it. I have been reading and trying not to pursue. I don't know if it is working too soon to tell. I know he loves me because he has told me. I am now moving back to be within the same city and hopefully work on a reconciliation. He said he is dating others and wants to continue to do so. I am allowing that to just happen because I did give him the green light when I walked away, hopefully nothing serious will come from his dating.
I don't what to do now, how much contact, how much is too much, what to say what do? My mind is all a flutter with emotions which I am desperately trying not to show him how desperately I want to be with him again. I made all the wrong mistakes and want to stop making them. I know he is hurt and confused and dealing with his own emotions right now and me adding pressure will only confuse him more and push him out the door.
Some that know what I am trying to do, think I should pursue more and try to convince him but I don't believe this is the appropriate position, he will either come to it or he won't.
At this point I am just trying to focus on me and work on myself and getting on with a life that just might not include him.
Trying to stay hopeful and keep focused are difficult but if I want my husband back I need to do the required work on me that will make that happen, because even if we do reconcile it cannot be the same relationship as before.


Originally Posted By: Iva
Yes, but I feel like I am still doing everything wrong. We did talk and he said he did not want to get my hopes up. We did end up spending the night together not sure if that is wrong or not, but the next time I saw him he was keeping his distance but he did ask me to stay and watch some of our favorite tv shows that he had recorded. I also noticed that he had kept the cake toppers and the goblets from our wedding and had them on display. Trying not to read too much into that either.

I am just trying to keep things light not make demands, staying focused on me and trying to imagine a life without him. We did have a funny situation we had gone to lunch and the cashier asked us if we were together or separate we both started laughing and he said, "That is a very interesting question...inside joke." He later reiterated that he did not want to be married now, and did not want to get my hopes up, so I am just keeping my distance.

I have been reading the Dbing books and trying to keep things light and not pressured. I need to practice not contacting him and letting him initiate contact and leaving before he requests it give it a little mystery. The hardest part is even though I am the WAW I still feel him blaming me for everything and not accepting any responsibility. I guess this really isnt necessary but to be both the bad person and be thought of as the person who is 100% at fault really [censored] not matter how much I know this isn't true.
~Iva


Brought over from the WAS forum.


Me-67, D35,S34
MrBond #2385616 09/15/13 02:52 PM
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Yes, both and listened to the audio files too.

Cadet #2385618 09/15/13 02:55 PM
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When were you married? 2001

How Long? Together almost 15 years

Children? none

How long have you been apart?
Physically for months
Walked away March 13th the day we met (not planned at all)
Moved out of the house in June 30, moved to FL July 15
Returned September 8th

Cadet #2385619 09/15/13 02:59 PM
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Let's be clear when I say "I was absolutely certain" I mean I felt that nothing would change his heart and he would do nothing to change our relationship.

Iva #2402086 11/08/13 09:20 AM
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Hi Iva
I've found your thread now smile So what's been happening in your life lately? We use these threads as a sort of blog to tell others what we've been up to lately, good or bad. If you go to my latest thread - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2402085&#Post2402085 you'll see what I mean smile
You mentioned that he returned on the 8th September, is he still living with you or has he moved out again?


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Cadet #2403218 11/11/13 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: Iva

Some that know what I am trying to do, think I should pursue more and try to convince him but I don't believe this is the appropriate position, he will either come to it or he won't.


I think when the WAS and LBS change places like this, that the WAS does need to do some pursuing of the LBS. WAS's tend to be VERY cold and indifferent towards the LBS when they leave them, and if you give him time and space now he's likely to interpret that as "more of the same" behavior. You don't want to go into full blown pursuit because that will be too much, but you do need to reach out to him and pursue him a bit to let him know you're serious about reconciling.

Quote:
I want my husband back I need to do the required work on me that will make that happen, because even if we do reconcile it cannot be the same relationship as before.


Quite right, and you should stress to him that you don't want to go back to that, but you are interested in building a new R and M with him.

Quote:
We did talk and he said he did not want to get my hopes up. We did end up spending the night together not sure if that is wrong or not, but the next time I saw him he was keeping his distance but he did ask me to stay and watch some of our favorite tv shows that he had recorded. I also noticed that he had kept the cake toppers and the goblets from our wedding and had them on display. Trying not to read too much into that either.


All good signs. Just don't expect too much too soon. It's going to take him a while to warm back up to an R with you. Give him that time, don't rush things.

Quote:
I have been reading the Dbing books and trying to keep things light and not pressured. I need to practice not contacting him and letting him initiate contact and leaving before he requests it give it a little mystery.


Well again, I think your sitch is a little different because he was the LBS. Do contact him, just don't overwhelm him. Keeping things light and low pressure = good.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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