Maybe someone has an idea on how I can handle this one!
So he is going to stay temporarily at his brother or sister's apartment, I am guessing while he looks for a place of his own. (Perhaps he can rent while we start to figure out the separation agreement?). In the meantime, he is using our house as his own, while I am still living here. His clothes are all still here, he will drop by after work to hang out with the children, put them to bed, etc. Thing is that I do not want to be around him, it upsets me too much and I want to start moving on. Does anyone know how to balance this? Should I set some boundaries, like stating he calls before he comes over to arrange a time, etc? I feel like throwing his clothes out the window! haha, so cliche.
He's got his folded laundry piled up in my living room right now and before he leaves each evening he will pick through and find his clothes and pack his 'getaway bag'. This is quite emotional for me to see him packing his getaway bag and leaving, over and over again. Perhaps I should make myself scarce every time he is about to leave until I can get a grip on my emotions!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
You need to set boundaries on this CP, for your own peace of mind and for the kids. It will only confuse them more if he keeps coming and going as he pleases.
The night my H initially moved out I took S13 to the drive-in, leaving my dad at home to keep an eye on what was being taken. H only took some of his clothes, toiletries and his computer at that time, so there's still quite a bit of his stuff still at the house. He is in the process of arranging storage for some of the stuff and then he'll be removing the rest of his stuff.
When H moved it was agreed that he would give at least 24 hours notice of intent to visit S13, and I had that included in our separation agreement as well.
It will probably be so much easier on you to be scarce - even if you just go into your room and read or something. It'll take a while before you're able to control your emotions - it took me several weeks and even now I still struggle once in a while.
Stay strong. Keep your focus on yourself and those kids of yours.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
Yes.. for sure I need to set some boundaries. I have a lot of thinking to do. The tricky part is that he has no place to keep his belongings. For some reason it really bothers me that his clothes are at home. I feel like clearing his clothes out of our bedroom. Is that justifiable? NQ.. I really like your storage rental idea.... going to look into that.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
If he's staying with his brother or sister, why can't he keep his clothes there. I hope you've stopped doing his laundry. Remember it was his decision to leave, not yours.
It still bothers me everytime I open the bedroom closet and see the clothes he left behind. I've kind of learned to ignore the books and gadgets that are still at the house so that they don't bother me any more. But I'm going to have to set a deadline for them to be removed or he'll just drag it out as long as possible. Once the deadline is set, if anything of his hasn't been removed by that date I will be boxing it up and sticking it in the garage for him, which might actually encourage him to pick it up as the garage has a small leak.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
His brother and sister both have a small place, and I imagine that they don't want him to stay there long. You are right, it was his decision to leave. I feel like I am worrying about him too much, that I should just tell him to figure it all out himself!! No reason why I should have to. It bothers me to see his clothes in the closet as well. I want his stuff out. I like the idea of setting a deadline to get the stuff out, and we have a garage as well, I hadn't thought of that!!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
In all honesty, I think it actually might help the situation thou. Theres never been the "what am I missing" time, this might be just what the dr. ordered.
Let him discover on his own. Sometimes that's just what needs to happen for them to understand. My IC just read me a study that says, couples that separate actually do better than couples that stay together and try to work it out.
I don't see anything wrong boundaries, in fact I think there essential. I also think its important, for you, to move his stuff out of your bedroom, if it gives you anxiety, then get it out. Maybe move the furniture around, paint it a new color, just DONT treat it like a cave that you rarely venture out of.
I know we're not supposed to mind read, or project our reasoning. But I think both of you made some progress during the last couple of months. Its a start, now he needs to see what the other side looks like for a little bit, I don't think its what he thinks it will be. But he needs to find out. I know my wife, and I know its taken a few months, is finding that out now.
Only you know when your done, its ok to be frustrated that its still not happening fast enough. You cant speed up the process. And only you can end it. I know it feels like its all falling apart right now, but I have to tell you, its just the beginning of something new, either way. Your really going to be able to detach, your really going to see things differently as your not so close to the sitch. Its almost enlightening. Your finally going to get a break from trying to be perfect around him and the pressure that goes with that.
You've been doing all the heavy lifting, helping him face his demons, trying to hold his hand thinking it was helping. Its time he finds what he thinks he wants to know. You'll be surprised too I think, and you'll know what I mean after a month.
CP, sorry to hear of your sitch like this. I agree with setting up the rules of a separation, which in my mind does not include your H coming/going as he pleases. He moved out, he no longer lives there. Period. He should be able to see the kids, you and H need to discuss a schedule. When he sees the kids, it's not in the house that he left. It's in his place, or if he has no place then wherever he takes them.
I don't believe in throwing out the spouse's stuff, but discuss when he'll have all his clothes out. Where he puts them is his problem. Other stuff can all be relocated to a separate room, the garage, or basement.
Also, definitely get a lawyer to see your rights. Probably more complicated then you think. Also, all income is split, even overtime.
Thanks FastCars.. I am just not sure though, since he didn't really move out on his own free will. He said he wanted to separate and I more or less told him that I would like him to find another place to stay. I think I will have a talk with him tonight about boundaries and stuff like that.
You are right that it's probably a lot more complicated than I know. I did talk to my mortgage broker, who is looking into things for me. I think money spent on a lawyer would be worth it in our case. I would at least feel more comfortable that everything was split fairly. I hope overtime is split. We have been relying on his overtime for the past year, as he convinced me to stay at home with the children and we needed that extra money.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
H stopped by for a few hours today and I set up a few boundaries with him. I basically don't want to feel like he is coming and going as he pleases, without letting me know. I only want to deal with him in regards to finances and the children. I don't like the feeling of him hanging around the house, tinkering around, showering, doing laundry, etc. I think he can do that elsewhere. Are those reasonable requests??? Please let me know. I felt like I was being hard on him, but I think that had to be said.
He looked so lost today at the house, he looked really troubled. I can tell this is hard on him. I asked him if he was ok and he said no. I have never seen him this way before, he is usually not a very emotional person, for example I have never seen him cry in 13 years. Today it looked as if he were about to cry.
He is taking the kids for the weekend to go see his side of the family for a visit. We worked it out he will take them for the weekend and then one night during the week I will leave for a few hours so he can be at the house with them, and one other night he will come pick up the kids and do something with them for a few hours. Seems reasonable?
Now comes the issue of when to tell the children.. in the van today the kids kept saying 'why does mom never get to come with us?'. That was painful to hear. I told them I have a soccer party. They seemed to take that excuse, but I want them to know the truth soon, as we can't keep lying to them.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Hi CP, stopped by to catch up on your sitch and sorry to hear about the separation. You seem to be doing a good job of keeping it together and I hope you continue your PMA and also keep working on yourself with the GALs and 180s. Good luck!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
