I won't ever deny the feelings I'm having. I cherish every single one of them. The pain and heartache isn't pleasant but I know that I am growing and learning from it as well. I'm sorry that your children do have to go through this, but the silver lining is that they have held you together to try again. That is a true blessing.
I just feel like everything I was working so hard towards was all for nothing. I loved her so much and I just wish that I had the opportunity to try again, to show her how much better I can be - we can be. I know I could look past anything and focus on the new R and our future rather than the past, but I also know I cannot do this w/o her and I cannot contact her.
I'm also realizing that from all of this I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm starting to question everything but in a good way. It would be nice if she was here, but even without her I know I'm finding a new path. This I can tell will lead to major changes in every aspect of my life. I need to think more on everything and reflect on the choices before me. Sad to say that this evolution is so painful, so terrifying, and yet I can't remember the last time I have been this excited, happy or alive. I know I did have many moments of this with her, but not overall about life. Strange.
I thank you and Sandi for your support and kind words. I'll continue to love my W from a distance and allow fate to decide my path. My prayers are with you.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
So I backslid. Everything was over and I just felt I should apologize. I might have gone over board with the apology and I know the advice on the community is that I shouldn't have sent it but I did. I don't know if she read it and I doubt it will change anything- perhaps at best too little too late.
I realized though I did it for her as I don't want her to feel hurt or guilt. I know this just doesn't help me as it makes me look weak and that I bothered her but I don't care about how I look. In the end though I realize I would like peace and this will be the last step and/or the first step.
I've made mistakes and this might have been another. This though is a 180 I think in the right direction. Overall, this has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders.
I can honestly say that right now I'm at peace. I know that after sending that letter that I have done everything I possibly could. I should have done it sooner perhaps, but now I'm not tormented with what ifs and wondering if she feels bad. I also feel better for apologizing for everything.
I do believe we could have worked on things. I know that isn't to be. Doesn't change the desire. I'm moving forward now though in life to discover new love. It isn't easy, as I still do love her. I'm trying to take it day by day.
I truly hope she is happy.
From here on out I have to keep NC. I have to move forward and just learn from it all. I cannot change the mistakes of my past but I can work towards a better future.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
I'm not saying the following for your benefit since you already sent the letter, but for those who may be reading this and thinking of sending their own letter. WAS's do not believe words from the LBS whether written or verbal. They think they've heard it all over the years and that it's just more empty talk. What they believe are actions- consistent actions over a long period of time. That's the focus of DB'ing- taking action. Writing letters is therapeutic for the writer, so we do encourage writing letters (or journaling) and getting all those emotions on paper. But once that's done, then burn it or file it away somewhere. It's for you, not the WAS.
I'd agree - I not only used words but clear actions with my W. My actions were noticed by everyone around me; friends commented on my happiness, kindness, gentleness, my patience with W in the face of unbelievable lies and horribleness.
W's perspective? It was all an act. So my ACTIONS barely changed anything about me, let alone words/letters/etc.
Not to heap coals, truelovewaits, but I'm going with AS on this one. But what's done is done. If you sent it, and you can honestly chill out and move on, then maybe it's what you needed to do for you.
Yep. That is true. I know what you are saying and the fact remains that we are far apart and don't speak so there is no way any actions can be seen. As for the letter... It might have been a mistake, it might not have been. I feel better though and I am moving forward. As for moving on.... Well I'm in the act asif stage still because I have to say that I really would like to attempt to restore my marriage. I do know though that we are divorced and that isn't happening so I am moving forward. Hope springs eternal though and life continues.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
So Friday was a great day for me. I was truly enlightened, I can't express how amazing it was. Saturday was phenomenal as well. Sunday, well Sunday was another story all together. I was a mess. It isn't like she isn't on my mind as she often is. Sunday, she was front and center. She was there from the moment I awoke. I don't know what type of dream I had but I longed for her. I was sad. Truly sad.
A few triggers later and I was a mess. I spent the day distraught from the unchangeable events of the past and yearning to be able to correct the circumstances that led to my present reality. I broke down and cried. I wrote my thoughts out, and even wrote a pleading letter - but I did not send it.
I wish she knew how much I love her, and how much I want to move past all of this and try again. I wish she knew that I don't want her to feel pain. I wish we spoke. Why is so painful? How can this be repaired? I'll keep GAL and doing what I need to but it seems to be an ebb and flow. Days like today are painful, very painful. I've learned so much and I'm happy for my progress but I yearn for what I lost. Everything today was a reminder, and everything was meaningless without her.
Tomorrow is a new day. I'll keep moving forward. I'll workout, I'll go out with friends and have a great time but I know somewhere she will be on my mind.
I wonder am I on hers? When she makes love does she doubt it? Does she think of me? Does she have any love left? Does she even care? I wish her nothing but love, but my heart desires my wife.
I've never felt like this for anything in my life. I've lost focus. I realize now that the one thing I really want, the one thing that gave life meaning more than anything else was her, it was us.
Sure I'll continue to move on and GAL but today was a reminder that even all of the joy and happiness I have experienced lately has been hollow. Today has been a painful day. Perhaps this is just the emotions of today speaking. Perhaps I dream of an image of something that never was. Perhaps it never could be as I imagine. Still, these thoughts haunt me.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
I do need help. More like support. Since my last post, I constantly think of her. I know my love for her continues from a far but my thoughts lately have been only of her. Day and night they continue.
I wonder does she think of me? Clearly it isn't enough of a thought to motivate any action. I wonder how that is possible? Is the other man that much better? Why did she rewrite our history? Will she ever see the truth?
More and more I find that every new event and good time is not as satisfying as I want it to be. It would be better shared, with her. My thoughts lately are like this often not when I'm alone - although when I am they are often of her - but rather when I am having a great time that I feel she would enjoy.
I regret getting angry and how I reacted to our situation as I violated the 37 steps and DB ideals. As Sandi and many others have said I just want to do, do, do something. I realize that I can't, I guess I just really miss her and really regret my part in all of this. The distance and the way we handled things caused this. I wish she told me that anything was wrong, I wish I had the opportunity to attempt to fix anything, to go to therapy.
I work on myself and continue to gain strength. I find it interesting that I often awaken with her as the very first thought on my mind lately.
I still hope that she will one day call. We are now divorced though and there hasn't been any contact. I'm GAL but I'm also tormented by all of this. I love her so much still, and I'd truly to anything to have a chance. I do just want her to be happy and I know this new life and new man must be fulfilling that. Still, I also do believe that we could have provided that. I left things though in a state that was the opposite, I begged, argued, etc., and helped drive her away.
I've been looking over the boards but I have not been able to find a similar situation of success. Are there any for men who have lost their wives? After the divorce is final?
For those that have been through this type of pain and situation. How do you move forward when the past continues to haunt you? How do you stop loving her? Do you give up?
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
Time to learn about boundaries and go as dark as possible. If he wants a divorce let him do the work for it.
Yes if you are going to speak with him agree on everything. But be sure to PROTECT yourself with your actions.
I however did the EXACT OPPOSITE of this. I made all of the arrangements and made it as simple as signing a few pieces of paper, even that was too difficult and any discussions or terms were made between me and her parents as she wasn't involved. I really messed that up.
Considering all of that. I'd love some insight.
together 7+yrs Married 3 Me 33 W 33 no kids BD 9/12 MC 9/12 W leaves MC 10/12 W moves out 11/12 Divorce 2/13 W moves 5/13 NC 05/13 D final 8/13
I saw that you read DR, but did you understand it? Your question is discussed pretty well in the book.
When was the last time you actually talked to her? What was said and how was the tone? Right now because you are officially D'd, there really isn't much you can do.
What have you been doing for you?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I do need help. More like support. Since my last post, I constantly think of her. I know my love for her continues from a far but my thoughts lately have been only of her. Day and night they continue.
Whenever I see someone say something like this I have one thought- "this person is not getting out and getting a life for themselves." So tell us, what is GAL to you? What GAL activities are you doing, and how often? Be as detailed as you can so we can provide you feedback on it.
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I wonder does she think of me? Clearly it isn't enough of a thought to motivate any action.
As sad as it is to consider, the WAS really doesn't think much about the LBS. The WAS has convinced themselves that they don't love, and really don't even like the LBS. They believe the LBS is the source of every bad thing in the WAS's life and getting rid of the LBS is the path to the perfect life. All the LBS can do is get the heck out of their way and let them discover that their unhappiness is actually within them.
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Is the other man that much better?
Typically the OP is a step down from the LBS.
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Why did she rewrite our history?
To bolster her belief that leaving you is the right thing to do.
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Will she ever see the truth?
Unknown. Most WAS's do come out of the fog eventually, but some never do.
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More and more I find that every new event and good time is not as satisfying as I want it to be. It would be better shared, with her.
Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? It's a bit crude and borderline sexist, but it might be a good read for you since you're D'd now. There are a zillion women out there, your XW isn't the only one you can share life's moments with. The book will help you to understand that and give you a roadmap for getting back into the dating scene.
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I've been looking over the boards but I have not been able to find a similar situation of success. Are there any for men who have lost their wives? After the divorce is final?
It's fairly uncommon, but you might be surprised to hear why. I know of several instances where the WAS tried to reconcile after D, but it was the LBS that shut the door on it. Why? Because there's nothing like D to convince the LBS that things well and truly are over and it's time to move on. So when the WAS comes knocking, the LBS has established a new life for themselves and they don't want to open themselves up to being hurt all over again by a WAS that they've learned not to trust.
