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Dawn smile

What would have happened if his back had gone bad after he'd left?


Me 46 H 56
M 22 yrs
S22, D20, Twin Ss18

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
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Maybe I wouldn't have never known. I guess that would depend on where he ended up. His own place, EA's, his car. Either way it will happen again, his back that is, not the bowl obstruction which is what the real problem is right now, because he has an issue.

I would not want to be contacted or told.

I'm not sure if I answered your question.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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You did... I was hoping your answer would tell you too what the answer is NOW.

Your H may not be actively "faking" but the timing is certainly convenient.

I wonder what he thinks would/will happen when the next health crisis strikes and NurseDmarie is not available.

(((hugs))) to you. Keep being true to yourself.


Me 46 H 56
M 22 yrs
S22, D20, Twin Ss18

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
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Hi Dawn,

I love long weekends. Finally get a chance to catch up.

You sound thoroughly fed up and angry and I do not blame you. I think up some truly hideous tortures for xSO that I can't help but wonder if I was an inquisitor in a former life.

Dawn, just offering a bit of a different perspective here. You said that you feel you wouldn't be true to you if you did not stop caring for him. I know that you used the words treating humanely but your actions are those of caring for him. In my opinion your H is thoroughly enjoying playing the victim here. For whatever reason, he appears to be content to let you keep him as some kind of pet while he howls about his troubles that he has no intention of working toward fixing.

Dawn we KNOW that you are a kind and compassionate person. You are not acting I compassionately by forcing him - yes forcing him - to look after his own sorry butt. Enabling behaviour is not heathy for anyone. Compassion and enabling should not be confused. Ask anyone who grew up or lived with a severe alcoholic.

I know it feels very wrong. For me letting go of the belief that I could somehow fix or control someone else was and still is a difficult thing to do. If you truly want him out, you need the wherewithal to act like it. Snodderly gave some good suggestions. Remember as well that self-respect and self-preservation is also part of who you are.

I sure hope I didn't sound too preachy. I very much wish the best for you and am in your corner whatever you choose.

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Dawn "If nothing I do matters either way and he will be back in MLC EA land asap, what does it matter how I change myself for him, or not?

I am in control of my R with him, he is a weasel, and this is my life, I do what I want. I go on this thread in front of him, I cook what I want, I use the money as I want, he is not going to dictate my life, or use this MLC EA sh!t over me."


I'm glad to hear that you are in control of your life and actions and reactions Dawn, thru your H's recent illness. And I understand why you are helping him, and gave him him a temporary reprieve on the deadline to move out. It's a kind of humanitarian effort on your part. A bowel obstruction is painful and can be dangerous. 

But none of this means he will return to "MLC EA land" ever. Please don't think like that. You know that his mind is in a fog right now, but he is really trying to give up that alkie OW of his. 

I hope you have a better day today!


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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hey hiya dawn-

i was only responding to the head scratching regarding his missed deadline and falling apart - bad luck? coincidence? or him "stalling" on the deadline- consciously or unconsciously - I sure didn't mean to suggest you were doing anything "for" him or as a ploy of any kind ... eeeek ... i don't think he consciously knows what the he!l is going on with him.

what i was commenting on is him and his "illness" and his back - and him falling apart. i'm just sayin- if i had to guess it's all about him freaking out so bad it's turned physical- that he doesn't want to go - can't bring himself to go, feels "unable" to go, etc.

you - i hear ya- you've said it for some time and i honestly believe you're livin in dawnland now and he is not influencing you any more. well, not any more than a banging screen door - - - it's on the "to do" list in life and ya need to "get around to it" someday - in the end.

the whole mother thing- wow about your mom moving. she's a coolish customer - i guess she just is havin her life- & nothin personal man...., just business... was she raised by a cool-ish mother???

you sound like a warm & fuzzy mom- idk what that would be like- i think my two sisters with kids are all into supporting their kids. i'm like that w/ my neices. the kids would go to them FIRST w/big troubles. it says something big - that.

i'm always amazed- I'D never go to my mother with anything personal - she'd say - "that's stupid" (and i quote) - she was a good mother i think- BUT v chillie - it's all about her & her feelings and "get lost & grow up" when it comes to her kids' "junk". (at any age - you're on your own with anything non-physical affliction) maybe it's a good thing and it toughs us up - idk. my mother HATED HER MOTHER's hardness- ta da....

it's a wierd old life- the inter-actions of people, family, etc.

i guess it could be endless entertainment - unraveling it all- or endless torment -or just SOMETHING floating around out there that i am waaaaay too tired to bother with anymore.

idk- maybe it's all got to be "let go" at some point in life - by everyone or it's the endless torment thing.

my mom & sister's WAR - THEY never let ANYTHING go- it's ALWAYS a giant issue- it's old old old & exhausts us all -

man oh man- women & their mothers.

sorry- i'm allover today. just hopin you're doing okay and so on- sound good despite "it all".

try & not let the mother thing getya down- it's the same old thing- pursue & they run- run & they pursue? maybe??? you're lucky if you escape the takin care of mom thing - when she's ancient- look at the bright side - she's not NEEEEEEDY & expcetant & demanding ...... ICK ICK ick

my mom wants to be cold mom- BUT also wants my undying service- ick ick ick ick (while criticizing me for being a wimp - go figure) i'm bowing OUT OF THAT LOOP FOREVER i've decided - well, the caring about it (emotions - psychologY) now, how to put that into play????.....

baby sniff - i need one rather badly- well, don't we all daily???

hope your day is good- ive got a seminar at school and then idk - maybe yank some darn morning glories- need to badly- laundry - etc - help neice in afternoon w/book reviews, etc.- idk



xxoo

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Quote:
For whatever reason, he appears to be content to let you keep him as some kind of pet while he howls about his troubles that he has no intention of working toward fixing.

You are not acting I compassionately by forcing him - yes forcing him - to look after his own sorry butt.

Thanks Portia, you have a good way with words!

This first paragraph was good...you made me laugh "as he howls"!

Linda, you give me more hope than H could fill in a thimble. I will hold on to your words but guard them carefully. Thanks

Snodderly, I think I stuck to my "date" at least the idea behind it. That's what's most important, dates can be changed, it's the meaning of is all that needs the most attention. It was good advise wink

.............
If I gave an impression that I am waiting hand and foot here, I'm not. I only offer meals as he's lays on the floor.

I wrote out of anger yesterday, I'm sorry to have dumped that here. My anger is that I am fully aware this is not my life, he is not nice, and I don't want to take care of him because of that.

I trust nothing, and am not enjoying my time coddling him ''for the moment'' or otherwise. It seemed to me at the time to be a necessity.

YOu and everyone else is right, he has no intentions on working toward anything and has made no attempt to show he will.

Today he is walking with his cane and seems to be getting around. I told him to clean his dishes, and the load of his stuff by the door needs to be moved out of the way since he is still here.

I also made it clear he is on my allotted time schedule, and I will not tolerate life "as is". He tried to tell me to change my wording and my response was that I will not ''watch" what I say to him, nor will my wording by altered to make him feel less offended. I am not being rude or demanding, I am being honest. I guess he doesn't like being shown his ''sorry butt''.

If he wants to make anything work between us as a family it is him who needs to "watch" himself. He's been very humble since our talk.

I'm not trying to belittle anyone or show myself as a bully, I am standing for myself now and if that means I seem harsh, he can take it, he's has taken actual abuse from a maggot for 2 years, no, he sought abuse for 2 years (and maybe still will).

He walked thru my cracked door and came to me. Not out of ''waking up" or any kind of realization, but for physical healing. Tho I wish he would take this time for mental healing, I have no expectations.

I do have my Stand and my expectations for how he will act around my family and towards me, and have made them very clear in a respectful manor. "treat your MLCer how you would want to be treated"!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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Dawn, when I first got the bomb, I made myself some promises and then I made a roadmap.

They helped me to stay the course I had decided for myself.

The way I came to make this roadmap and those promises was how I wanted to see things and myself when I looked back on this time in my life.

So, I decided that above everything else, I wanted to stay true to myself regardless of the sitch, what my xh was doing and what others might think.

That meant this for me - I did not want to do anything to hinder the relationship between my son and his father, I wanted to keep my moral compass intact, I wanted to act with dignity and honor.

I did not allow what others thought or said to veer me off the road.

I kept my promises and I am glad I did.

I want to say to you that you should never apologize for being angry on here. That's what this place is for. It is a safe place to get your feelings out.

You are a strong, compassionate woman. You do what you think is best for you, as long as it is not to your detriment, as long as it doesnt affect your heart.

I dont know what your h's agenda is. I do know that those in MLC will do whatever it takes to satisfy their needs.

You have the power here, Dawn. I understand compassion. I also understand how someone can take advantage of that.

Make your roadmap, sweetie.

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hey dawn-

it's true - be you. be mad- get that out too. we dont' mind - be honest and be DAWN - it's really all we have. ourself. be TRUE TO THAT FIRST AND FOREMOST-

allllll the rest - idk- BUT if you follow your gut and make your own decisions based on your own heart & gut & whatever -

you can always feel satisifed - as the years roll away- if you look back- you WILL NOT have to have regrets or second thoughts if you did your absolute best with each decision- and you do-

even looking back at my sister that died- i was true to who i was and my r with her- she knew that. i know it's not as simple & i couldn't save her- it's sad but okay somehow - because we both were exactly who we were - even that last afternoon we visited and were sitting on the couch picking on mom in the kitchen - laughing at the dead flowrs & some dopey tv show- - like since we werek ids- very very ho hum- very very who we were.

my sister that yelled and tried to be alll TOUGH LOVE AND DR. PHIL_ - makes herself cry remembering it all- she wasn't here and she was being all what she sees on tv and someone else tells her she shold be- she's got lots of regrets --

now she's sorry now but it's too damn late.

i'm thinking we won't have that- at the end of the day (whatever the heck that is)

carry on- sounding good

xxoo, but

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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2373579&page=1

Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Dawn,

You are a strong, compassionate woman. You do what you think is best for you, as long as it is not to your detriment, as long as it doesn't affect your heart.

I don't know what your h's agenda is. I do know that those in MLC will do whatever it takes to satisfy their needs.

You have the power here, Dawn. I understand compassion. I also understand how someone can take advantage of that.

Make your roadmap, sweetie.


My own road map? Gonna work on that one! I really appreciate these words!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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