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I did.linda likes to be discreet but how. Look for me db marie think. Look for popular names who write you and add db after it.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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dawn nice picture- i just ran back up stairs to say- that i feel really worried about you making flight plans, etc. would be fun to see you- BUT -

my sitch with mother is up in the air- totally. what the heck if something goes wrong with all that and the visit plan blows to hell and you've got money plunked out on airfare??? it makes it a serious deal - i don't want to make a commitment as big as that in case of anything going seriously wrong - you'd be guy holding bag-

....

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hey dawn-

idk about me and facebook being my "place to go" - i'm attached still to this forum. it seems "rude" to just pick one person and whine my stupid head off- here i thnk i throw it all out there- if anyone feels like looking in and seeing what the heck i'm saying- they do. it's their option-

on fb- or emails - when i pick one person- i'm landing that poor sap "with the whole ball of wax" - know what i mean???

it's like putting some personal obligation on you or linda or someone to respond or react-

feels like bad form kind of- maybe i'll get used to it. i get it that we can exchange personal information- that's good - the privacy. i never realized how very much i need and preservemy privacy. (hey- maybe i am a secret agent?)

i've spent a year spilling my stinkin guts here to the whole "forum world" - so i don't have too much shame anymore - but i feel like i can be free to do it and not shackle one poor schnuk with my jerked up life & woes - and also the anonanimity is nice as well. . it helps alot- i do it= i'm addicted a bit to having here to come to.

this morning i swear- i'm reading a book that's making me cry- but the cry is there in the background anyway.

don't know- it's a few minor tears- it doesn't help really does it? i thought if i ever could just cry a bit - it would somehow help or be cathartic - i wish i was as final and done as you sound. if i just felt trapped like a rat(which i do btw) ANd ready or in a position to DO SOME THING ABOUT IT other than just sit around feeling mad and insulted as usual-

i'm "stuck" again- when h is around for a month- i'm not liking too much his no-touch mode- but it's "something" and "someone" familiar sharing my life & house. then ka bam- the contrast of F'ING NO ONE - no time- no nothin and he is apparently just happy as a clam with it down there. i hate it- hate that he likes it- hate feeling insulted - COMPELLED NOT TO ACT LIKE I EVEN NOTICE IT- IT puts me sooooo f'ing on edge & icky- and makes me desirous of getting a giant tractor trailor - getting to our street in fla and driving it rite thru the front of his house.

THEN it inspires alllllll the same old middle-of-the-night brain spin - cripes. i know tons and tons of people deal with lonliness and it could be alot worse-

IT'S JUST KNOWING THAT IT WAS ALWAYS alot better that makes a body want what they had. selfish baby- idk- oh well huh???

just when i think i've reached new ground - more detached (i am, but not ENOUGH) - THEN I realize the switchover is ALWAYS kind of awful.

i can't even sit around and piss&moan about it- need to get dressed and go to the damn hospital - i am soooooo DONE WITH THAT TOO- it's such a shabby shabby feeling - that i'm soooo ungracious about it all- a bad luck illness and i'm not wanting to participate anymore....

i wonder if it would be more willing on my part if my mother bothered to not treat me like her toerag. i even say it to her- get the duhhh face - it's soooo much a part of her - picking on whatever kid is around while slathering all sorts of exotic praise and compliments on any other human being around. it is downright wierd- if it were new with the dementia , maybe it wouldn't get under my skin. it's not-

HOWEVER - EVEN SAYING THIS OUT LOUD - makes me realize what a nut i sound like- allowing someone pretty "out there" to irk me so much. (now, after years of it- )

i guess actually - as i say this out loud too- it's better than olden days when it hurt my feelings - now i expect it- it still irks me- but doesn't inspire me to fight- just want to walk away from it all...

man- i am not at my best being a nursie-pooh. i don't know how linda does it- or anyone. maybe if it's not your own relative or loved one- you manage better to let it all roll off your back.

i'd have thought by now i'd be waaay better at accepting criticism graciously. i wonder if i'll ever get there-

BUT THEN - I WONDER WHAT IN THE WORLD makes people want to actively "dump" on someone else. i'm also thinking i invite it somehow- maybe because i don't make a big "to do" about it.

it is something going on sometimes with my sisters and h and so on- some r i have with everyone where they feel totally "free" to "go there" with me- instead of being afraid-

SOMETHING NEW ON LIST OF THINGS TO FIX ABOUT SELF_ - find the proper reaction that says "don't go there buddy" while not getting mad or hurt or nuts...

this "getting perfect" thing is wearing - isn't it???

hope things are good with you- glad you're having peace with your mind-set- i'm hopeful of getting there one day.

Honest to God- i need some fun & a sidekick. when i consider since my sister died- h got wierd - mom heading downward - the last five or so years have had bit "ENDINGS" GOING ON. I need to be around the beginnings more- the little kids in fla i think.

SO - BEGS THE QU3STION - all this stuff floating around out there saying we need to be happy with ourselves - wtf??? i like me well enough- do i only want to spend my life with me exclusively - no. boooooooooring- i know me, i know what i think , etc.- i want to have fun with a companion. everythng is more fun or easier with someone to share it with. i'm tired of my companions being gone- done it- need more.

being on fb yesterday- boy, i sure don't like it- i know i'll get used to something about it- but i do not like the constant stream of pictures and people i don't know or do know- nagging me to be friends- look at them, etc. i just am not interested and i don't like how "naggie" it feels.

is that nutty or what???? i sure hate even a stupid website telling me what to do- i have some MAJOR authority problems i guess.

i know i sound like neurosis central this morning- i think i am. hate to acknowledge it- but there it is huh?

i guess i'm out of here because i need to go wash my hair and get rolling today- i'll probably top it off by catching some wierd disease hanging around hospitals so much- eeeeek

yeah - just go nutball here- think i'll go find a little tranquilizer and take a step back today. can't do THIS all day-

xxoo from the land of wtf........

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H revealed to me last night that he has very little physical sex drive, and sensation, his mind is ready tho. I told him this is natural and he's going thru male menapous, he needs to be checked, and it can pass. He said 2.5 yrs ago when he cheated he had told himself it was my fault, he said some nasty stuff to me, now he lives with such guilt. And, understands its him.

He even said, "you deserve someone better, I'm no good for you, get a man that can give you all you need and want, your younger and going to waist your life with me. I don't have it anymore". He's 53. He's always been a very old soul, so he's more like 73. Really, lots say that about him.

I asked, so your just gonna give me away, he said no, but you really should. If you want to stay I'm fine but you want more. I'm not gonna be him, my spirite is gone!

I said you will either fight for a productive life or continue bringing more misery. Go to the gym, get a haircut, ride your bike, play basket ball, return to the things you enjoy.

I'm not sure what to do with this but I see he means it, he said he has always been the type that had guilt, only now it worse because he crossed to many lines, and it's me he hurt. He said, how do I get back from hurting you, there's nothing I can do!

Today he sick like a dog in his gut, not sure why!

I'm good, looking forward to fall....with no expectations.


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Hey Dawn, I dont think there is anything you can do with all that.

He needs to work through it all. You need to let him, right?

You are doing wonderfully. Keep going.

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Oh, I know, I don't plan on helping him, I'm just being myself, that has always been good for him, he likes me.

I'm afraid tho, this self loth is strong, crippling him more and for longer times. He seems litterly crippled, like a man in physical pain, from his thoughts.

I have a lot to consider. I do need more,me all know this, but this chapter is not over just yet.


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Nero, take care of yourself first! Do something relaxing after you go to the hospital. Don't loose yourself. I am only here if you wish, the is no obligation. Do what works for you.

((()))) my best dm


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HOOOOLLLLY GEEEZ DAWN-

thanks for that thought- that you're "there". i feel sooooo f'd up this morning.

i even (i know- bad dog) kind of had a convo w/h - you know, kind of "went there". abbreviated version of "usual". i know he hates talking- i am sick of swallowing my thoughts allll the time.

he picked me because i talk- this business of being inscrutible is wearing me out.

anyway- it wasn't huge or awful (tho maybe he thinks so)

he acknowledged in it that he hates seeing me soooo pained & tortured daily (tho, get this - he says something like "what you do to yourself". ) HA - jerk- YOU ARE THE ONE DOING IT.

IT DIdn't resolve anything at all.

i did at some point just say- SAY SOMETING FOR CRIPES SAKE- IF YOU hate my voice- say it- if you like it - say it. if you dread talking to me daily - say it- if youlike it say it.

he admitted he likes talking to me- he is glad to hear my voice-

i'd give my f'ing eyeteeth to hear him say he is even contemplating getting rid of ow-

MY TAKE - AT THIS LUCID MOMENT (IT WON't last long i'm sure)

I BELIEVE IT'S like kids thinking the other parent is 'MORE FUN" -

THERE's no reality to deal with- no leaking pipes or messy cellar- there's sex and fun - there's no bills, no chores, no past (that's less than good) etc.

i don't know if it ever ends when he's doling it out to himself in smallish doses. he said he would hate for me to be gone from his life-

he doesn't say he loves me (neither do i ) - he still just says he "cares a great deal" - he's "afraid i'll yell at him" (??) really!!!???

he likes me in his life on a daily basis - SO - WHAT THE F IS HE DOING MAKING US BE SEPARATED ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY-

it was round and round for a bit with the same junk- i'm soooooo unfulfilled .

i didn't throw in that really- what i think about me is that i both anticipate and dread moving past him and this stinking mudhole i'm in - and embracing a new life and even more or better - some new person.

part of me fears it because i'm a outgoing kinda guy- in my life there was my ex- h and then i met this one when i was still married. i've always had someone.

it's a bad thing- but it's been a great thing- and part of me (the insane part no doubt) expects that sooner or later it will happen again.

i will hate walking away from him forever. i will absolutely love feeling cherished again.

(oh yeah- the no sex part of being a nun is not my cup of tea. i like the PHILOSOPHIcal and spiritual idea of being a nun - but now i'm merely a NONE. BIG DIFF.

idk- feel better "confessing". why did i even talk about this stuff? idk- i am sooooo bummed by the stinkin notion he is perfectly happy if i was out of his life- i just out with it sometimes. he denies it- alot. he says he hates seeing me unhappy or suffer - if it were to save me from this- and i asked him to end it- only then would he. he doesn't think we should end it-

wtf dawn.????

it's such pulling teeth to hear anything frm his stupid head , yet he blams away on his stinkin computer nite and day to any old jerk from any old where- guy buddies too- i swear- he is in that replay of youth mode everyone refers to.

can i make it- idk. my litehouse it out today- want to cry some more- hey- no mascara yet so i could even if i really wanted to...

i'm such a mess- i swear i wish i was in your neighborhood this moring- i cannot imagine why foisting my jacked up self on you would seem like it would be nice - it's kind of awful to expect you to prop me up- i feel like a bloodsucker kind of - but ther eyou have it. you're sounding good and i'm happy and it give me hope to reach some place like you.

Quote:
2.5 yrs ago when he cheated he had told himself it was my fault, he said some nasty stuff to me, now he lives with such guilt. And, understands its him.


i believe my h still thinks his affair is "necessary" for him somehow. my words - not his. he does not say a thing about it- he doesn't deny or confirm one darn thing.

geeeez - he said leave my cell phone on- so he can reach me. i honestly have such a f'ing case about it- from reading his stinking love messages to his ow2 back two years ago- i wonder if it will ever go away. and then, it's his obvious constant "tie" to ow cow. idk- is he dense or what.

anyway- he said he'd fly here in a minute if i said i needed him to-

WHAT WOULD THAT BE? of course i need hm to- but i need him to thnk of it and do it because he absolutely cannot endure not seeing me another minute- or because he NEEEEEEDS to on his own.

he'll maybe never get that or feel that or do that. is it a man thing? or him??? any opinion

i felt the need to just say this to a sympathetic ear before i head to the hospital. i couldn't get mom on phone- she can't preobbly even "get it" about what's ringing and pick it up (sometimes).

fingers crossed for not a hostile day-

i'm outta here- i'll get back to facebook wheni have time and send a picture- it's probably a good thing for us all to picture eachother-

the thing about feeling bnadly in life- it makes ya look in the mirror and see all the bad things- i hate that i'm like that- susceptible. i kind of soak in and reflect back what i'm getting from people.

for bettr or worse huh? i tried to say to him i am not changing from the person i am. i don't know how it came out- probably notlucid . he both stays in the conversation - but doesn't participate unless forced. it's wierd.

i did say we both were a couple of jerks for the longest time to not have both spoken up about what we didn't like as we went along- all this business of not stepping on the other guys toes- has landed us in this place of non-communication and disconnect (in part anyway) due to just not being straight forward and honest.

it's such a giant mess- can this huge spagetti mountain of tangled crappola ever ever ever unravel itself- one wonders.

still here but not sure why... (as usual).

hope your day is good- as usual i have to say, whateve ryour h is or does or feels- i stil admire the fact that he talks and shares. even sharing total $hit is sharing. me, i'm a sharer - i try and communicate - it seems important FOR SOMEONE in the world to uderstand what i'm saying and feeling.

kill me- maybe he feels like that too. maybe that's not so awful. even if what he's sharing seems like total crap to you- it's something. just mho - it would seem a hopeful sign to me in general - in life- that he wants you to understand hm or what he's feeling or going thru.

it manifests itself in wacky and hurtful ways. but he's keeping lines open. my h- this business of raised ALONE - believing he's a lone wolf kinda guy (hello- open your eyes - me, ow, people - he's further from solitary than even me- and i'm far-ish) he is blind-

your buddy- spinning in this $hit tornado of a life- heading to hospital, guilty to be dragging my feet-

xxoo hope your day is good. you do sound v good and iim glad for you- for that.

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''he said he would hate for me to be gone from his life-''

He means it, a lot of MLCer's reach that point of admitting that. He does want you in his life, also for now, he still needs ow in his life, you may never know why.

My H says its a balance between what is his, (us LBS) and what he thinks may be out there that he hasn't explored yet. It really is not a reflection on you, he does seem to adore you in his own twisted way.

The emails you read 2 yrs ago, forget them, they may have no meaning today, they may have been lies they tell each other, those words were not meant for your interpretation. YOur reading them with you normal brain.

I don't mind your ranting at all, hell I have ranted to you plenty. I understand and I care. WE have had this between us for over 2yrs now, there is nothing you can rant that would make me think your crazy, just human and hurt my friend. Relax! Sit down later after the hospital and regroup.

<3 dm


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Dawn "H revealed to me last night that he has very little physical sex drive, and sensation, his mind is ready tho. I told him this is natural and he's going thru male menapous, he needs to be checked, and it can pass. He said 2.5 yrs ago when he cheated he had told himself it was my fault, he said some nasty stuff to me, now he lives with such guilt. And, understands its him.

He even said, "you deserve someone better, I'm no good for you, get a man that can give you all you need and want, your younger and going to waist your life with me. I don't have it anymore". He's 53. He's always been a very old soul, so he's more like 73. Really, lots say that about him."


Dawn I think that is really good that your husband recognizes that the stuff he said to you, blaming you for HIS affair, is not true. All that stuff is just part of the MLC craziness I think. Even the feeling old and not "having it" any more. In fact that is probably a big part of the MLC itself, they are facing the fact that they are older and not capable of doing everything they could do at age 25.

Just be there for him Dawn, you are doing great DBing. My favorite saying now -- cherish him enough to let him go with love, let him travel this journey he needs to go thru. I think he is starting to come out of replay and into depression, but what do I know -- I thought that about my own husband too and look at him now smile

Nero "he acknowledged in it that he hates seeing me soooo pained & tortured daily (tho, get this - he says something like "what you do to yourself". ) HA - jerk- YOU ARE THE ONE DOING IT.

Please don't get angry with me Nero, but I sort of agree with your husband here. I am exactly like you, and get hurt by my H's devotion to the notorious Russian Tramp, but realize that, in reality, he is NOT DOING ANYTHING TO ME. He is doing something (cheating) and I am hurt, but he is not really making me hurt. I am letting myself be hurt. I don't even know what I am going on about here, but it seems like there is a distinction here.

Nero "i did at some point just say- SAY SOMETING FOR CRIPES SAKE- IF YOU hate my voice- say it- if you like it - say it. if you dread talking to me daily - say it- if youlike it say it.
he admitted he likes talking to me- he is glad to hear my voice-
i'd give my f'ing eyeteeth to hear him say he is even contemplating getting rid of ow-
MY TAKE - AT THIS LUCID MOMENT (IT WON't last long i'm sure)
I BELIEVE IT'S like kids thinking the other parent is 'MORE FUN"
THERE's no reality to deal with- no leaking pipes or messy cellar- there's sex and fun - there's no bills, no chores, no past (that's less than good) etc.
i don't know if it ever ends when he's doling it out to himself in smallish doses. he said he would hate for me to be gone from his life-
he doesn't say he loves me (neither do i ) - he still just says he "cares a great deal" - he's "afraid i'll yell at him" (??) really!!!???
he likes me in his life on a daily basis - SO - WHAT THE F IS HEDOING MAKING US BE SEPARATED ALLLLLLLLLLLL THE TIME IT FEELS LIKE ANYWAY-
it was round and round for a bit with the same junk- i'm soooooo unfulfilled ."


Nero, underneath it all your husband loves you. If he was just a "walk away husband" he would just have gotten sick of you and left. But he does not. He comes back, and he talks to you every day. This is something that maybe other people do not agree with, but is so clear in my mind. I think because of my first marriage counselor back in 2010 explaining MLC to me. I stand for my marriage because in my heart, I truly believe that my husband loves me, and that he going thru something horrible, but is loving me the best he can right now. He is searching for something that will make him feel better about himself, but all of the EAs in the world are not doing that for him. So he is not willing to let me go out of his life. And as long as he keeps connected to me, I will stand the best I can.

And look at what you write about your H, how you describe him. He is loving you the best he can right now. He has the Cow OW, but she is not fulfilling his need to feel better about himself. Their whole relationship is fake. In his heart he knows that, and knows that he loves you. But he just says that he cares and would hate for you to be gone from his life. I would be so happy if my husband told me that he cares but he never says anything like that. But as I wrote on my thread, I can now see that he is showing he cares in the best way he can right now.

Hang in there Nero. I think you and I are very much alike. We love too much and spin too much. I can see clearly what you need to do, and you can see clearly what I need to do. smile Hang in there. Do you have a DB coach? Maybe speaking to a professional DBer would help you.


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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