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#2378769 08/22/13 11:48 PM
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Today I went to see the psychologist that I see periodically. I told her about the last month or so. I told her that sometimes I beat myself up over SDA Lady, my brain says things like "what kind of man dumps his woman because he's to tired to work on the issues" , " a real man would stay work through things" "What a wimp, you'll never have a real relationship!" Nice stuff, eh. She replied "Whatis, I've never worked with anyone who has put more effort into his relationships than you have" She felt that SDA Lady agreed to my boundaries but really didn't understand them, she was just doing them because I wanted her to. She had little understanding of her own anxiety and how it effected the relationship, instead she laid it all on my need to deal with my anxiety. Shrink said she'd been trying to think of the best way to say that to me today. Made perfect sense to me! She felt SDA Lady had co-dependent tendencies and would little by little keep pushing them forward and it would be my job to stop her...over and over again, "do you really want that?" she asked. So, I'm glad I let it out and no, I'm not thinking about going back to SDA Lady but I do sometimes lash myself. Shrink says it's my Mom talking. Yeah, sadly it is.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White
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Hey Wii,

Glad you started a new thread.

Interesting stuff with your IC. I was thinking about going back to mine a few months ago but then realized that I have you guys. It's cheaper this way. wink At least for now.

Ya know, my former boss has a very critical inner voice. Shortly after I met him (21+ years ago), he was seeing an IC who told him that he thought his inner voice was downright mean. (He heard his deceased dad, though.) He was given an assignment to figure out a way to quiet that voice. Apparently, the voice made itself heard most often when he was in the shower and shaving. So he put a yellow sticky on his mirror that said, "F*cking leave yourself alone!"

I don't have to resort to the yellow sticky (sorry if you work for 3M), but occasionally I have to say that out loud to myself too. I think we all grew up in an era that took discipline and good manners to the extreme. I don't know about you guys, but my parents always believed someone else if they said I did something bad - especially if the squealer was someone of authority. It was just how it was done. (My folks have since then said that they're glad it isn't that way anymore but now it seems to be at the other extreme?)

Anyway, rules and discipline typically exist for good reasons. But when the outcome no longer serves us, we can only stop and try to reason with ourselves.

Sigh. I was always taught/modeled to give people the benefit of the doubt. While I'm not sorry it's my personality now, there are times when other people don't deserve that boon. It's up to me to figure out where that boundary lies and what to do with it. I think I'm a work in progress too. Maybe we'll figure this all out someday?

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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Originally Posted By: Underdog
Hey Wii,

Maybe we'll figure this all out someday?

Betsey


Probably not lol!
Betsey, the funniest thing my IC said to me was when I first brought the SDA Lady issue to her many moons ago was, "Congratulations Whatis, you've finally found a woman who's more anxious than you are!" I've known this IC for 28 years or so now so she really does know what I've done and not done in my relationships. It was nice to hear what she said. I'm always incredibly good at excusing other people's behaviours but not so good at giving myself a break or recognizing my own positive work. Thx for dropping by.


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Today we lost my favourite uncle to pancreatic cancer. He had just turned 66. In his memory I'll leave you with one of his favourite poems. Maybe it will come to mean as much to one of you as it did to him. Rest in peace, Uncle Steve.

One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
Tis the set of the sails And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.

Like the winds of the sea
Are the waves of time,
As we journey along through life,
Tis the set of the soul,
That determines the goal,
And not the calm or the strife.


~Ella Wheeler Wilcox


Divorced February 27, 2012.

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I'm sorry for your loss, Wii. 66 is WAY too young. A lovely poem.

Barb

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Oh wii. I am sorry to hear of your Uncle's passing. You have such a lovely family. Please keep an eye on yourself. It seems as if it runs on both sides of your family. Thoughts and prayers to you and yours.

kat


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My condolences Wii.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Wii - sorry for the loss of your Uncle. Thank you for sharing the poem.

BA

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Thx folks. He was a retired English teacher and also loved history. In his retirement he would conduct historical tours of the little town he lived in. He loved baseball and we could actually discuss the Intercounty Baseball League...which he and I were about the only people I know who cared! Right now, it's comforting to know the he and my Dad are up there analyzing what happened to the Jays this year and probably comparing who can eat the grossest food item...just like they used to do at family gatherings. He'll be missed.


Divorced February 27, 2012.

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Aww, Wii, I'm sorry to hear this.

The poem is timely and left a lump in my throat. Thanks for sharing it.

Hugs,

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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