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Nero,

I read that wrong, I thought you were saying h admits to having no passion. Funny how our lumps of tar, that's being kind, think so much of themselves.

He was the one follow me, pursuing me, I first laughed ( being only 21) at the nerd who's jaw dropped when he saw me.

Now, I'm the one who can't quicken him when he's returning back to a lump.

Sorry, pick up your own big boy pants this time buddy.

You do for sure sound like a very passionate person, why else would you be here fighting and standing!


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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oh man-

talk about standing and WHY BVOTHER????? yes - ta da - a really good day in the hood here.
\
THIS A.M- i pick up jake (1.2 yr) - he's got pneumonia and home frmo daycare - so we're here, had a walk - h went to see old aunt-& is going to play tennis too.

so jake & i are here & he comes in- just kind of mulches around- and then says very casually- "you know, if you want to stay down here longer and you want to consider the other option - and you'll let me go - uh - visit" that would be okay

soooo - this stinking thing i've been waiting on - ker plop - and just when i thought we'd safely navigated my stay with no giant THING - IT HAPPENS and for me - still no total indifference wtf????/ . i didn't go bonkers, or even raise my voice or anything- i think i said - "I just don't know - i hate it as you know - and been doing my best to be "neutral" - but honestly- the thought of me just telling you to go off to screw your girlfriend - the words just stick in my throat. we both know you'll do what you want- you always do". exit me

idk dawn- inside i am NEVER COOL in an emergency. i'm never "ready" it seems and i'm Never on top of this entire sitch. and i thnk of all the detachment stuff we all tell each other- i can't imagine total detachment and still bothering to stand. and how i appear to him- i can't even imagine.

probably a pathetic stinking cow.

there's MY dislike FOR THE PERSON HE seems to be now - which enables me to be "cooler" a bit- but i've got a really bad feeling that tho i'm not bleeding or radbid - ; only totally not being able to stand this guy and wanting him out of my life forever - totally- no backs (hate) - is what will make me "detached" ENOUGH.

i cannot (still apparently) get over him being able to say rite to my face this, like it's no big deal. and what's with the "You'll let me go" crap. like i have any choice or power here.
\

so - tho i thought i'd deal with it when it came (better) - i can't imagine sitting here in his stinkin house while he's up there. and then what? greeting him at the door _ "oh hello darling- did you have a wonnnnnderful time????

and what? make him a sandwich for the drive- like - what the f am i anyway. nothing to him and that is FOR SURE.

I thnk of you knowing your h sees ow regularly- and you know and how you must feel with that - and how far over the lines it's pushed you- i see, i really do. i cann't imagine how you endure it.

SOOOO - RATHER FEELS LIKE LIFE IN THE TOILET AT THIS MOMENT HERE- NOT THAT I HAD ANY NOTION ANYTHING WAS DIFFERENT- IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T EVER SEE MYSELF GETTING ACCUSTOMED TO. (apparently)

AND LIKE YOU - IM THINKING the only way to deal with it all is to not know about it all- BUT - when i'm in nj I still know. the only way i will not know is total global nuclear war and me disappearing and/or cutting him out of my life totally..

than- yeah, i know- need that REAL JOB , etc. this [censored]. finances, eetc. homelessness, poverty, etc...

i was thinking i'd be a bit more "cool" in my head & insides about this. not like i wasn't expecting it. not like i thought it was alllll gone.

i'm sick of trying to read signs and stfu and waiting and waiting and waiting.....

i know i will continue- rite now i hate myself for allowing me to even remember how lonely it feels all alone - no kidding. this is icky as hell- "the devil you know" kinda thing. GOD - so like poor old linda- we're all supposed to be acting like it's okay- like all as if - like we got lives - like we don't give a darn - etc.

so like - blew that i guess - I was going to say WHATEVER - AND TOTALLY didn't even remember. and i shouldn't have responded at all rite??? oh man- this being perfect thing stinks- i'm just not.

SO, LIKE what the heck am i supposed to be telling myself? be glad it's only once every two or three or so weeks???/ be glad it's not every day or nite at work or after???

the thing is this- this kind of compartmentalization and bs can go on forever. i can really see now - that taking myself out of his life is the only thing that will stop the madness. i just hate that it will make me feel bad and my life lonely and succkie and not his. well, not that i'll know. well, change that back- i don't think he'll give a rats you know- he'll be glad for one less "complication" in his life. honestly- i'm thinking it.

he said other day he's "relieved" to have his dad gone and not have to run there - oh man- .....

i think honestly- he'll exist without me toooooo long for me to be "there" at the end, if there is one - when he realizes how very much i mean to hm- in his life, and so on.

i do believe it's there- i don't believe he'll know or acknowledge it ever.

okay- thanks for listening to my rant. will endeavor to not talk for rest of my life - (to him) and so on. oh well- another day in paradise huh???

i got a bad feeling you and i are going to have to affirmatively seek alternate mates. this is a icky thought for me- but i like company & companionship- and i cannot see how it will drop in my lap besides working somewhere with alot of people. honestly- are you going to do an online dating thing? ever??? do you contemplate it? have you looked at them.

i've always swore i wouldn't- but i' m looking at my mother and two divorced sisters- and i'd like a bit more thanks.

not that i'm criticizing them- i'm just NOT THEM.

TA DA- SO MUCH FOR ME AND PRINCIPLeS HUH? this afternoon should be a real pleasure around here. hope he stays away all day- i'm sure he will- playing with his "real friends".

oh mannnnn..

xxo

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Emergency c section. ..grandbaby on they way. Check in later.


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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Congratulations on your new grandson Dawn Marie.

"I don't L him anymore so really the ball is in his court. I would be receptive to giving it that last chance, but I am not expecting or counting on it.
A man who gives himself to a woman whole heartily, can turn her heart toward loving him even more.
Also, when a women stops loving you, good luck getting that back! "


I hope and pray that your H does turn his heart back to you my friend, and that he successfully turns yours back to loving him again. I think you really do love him on some level. I hate to see you in such pain, sounding so down. Maybe the new baby will bring H back down to earth.


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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DAWN -

OMG -

Quote:
Emergency c section. ..grandbaby on they way. Check in later.


BEST OF LUCK AND PRAYE4S GOING U[P THRE TO YOU ALL FOR BABY AND MOM & EVERYONE.

XXOO love ya man

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Congratulations. Hope everything goes well......babies are a beautiful gift!!!!


M 16 T 20
M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15
Bomb drop April 4;
Moved out April 13
D started-full force
-----------------------
Dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and
you’re gonna hear me ROAR
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Thank you for you well wishes!

He is a beautiful bouncing baby boy! Mom and my S are doing well. They're older than when I had my first S so they will be fine!

He has a very easy soft cry and is very content most of the time. My D19, S24, and H are all the same way, very quiet, and easily left to themselves.

I am excited for the new challenges. I need one now, my whole family has something new they are facing and I am still the cheerleader on the side making sure their lives are good.

I need to fine something for myself. Make changes for me that grow and meld with all the other changes.

I did set a new boundary. H started to hug me again last night after a good day so I let it ride, I thought we can end a great day on a good note. I was keeping my heart open, Linda, but my head in the game.

He wanted to ML this morning and I put the boundary out there saying, when the time is right I won't have the need to hesitate, we have a ways to go. He handled it fine, and went to make coffee for us both.

I feel good about drawing my own line...our future is not good and I wouldn't want to give him any mixed signals for him to misinterpret wink


The past can't be ahead of you in the future.
You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction.
What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
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What great news Dawn! smile Baby AND H! Congratulations all around! It's nice to hear you sounding so calm and happy. Not ML prematurely is a great boundary. Plus the way you did it is perfect - not cutting him off forever, just saying that you'll know when the time is right. I'm glad HE is still interested!


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Hi Dawn!
Congratulations on the new addition to the family. Have they selected a name for the little one yet?

I hope things will settle down as I think this little one is a true blessing to you and your family. Enjoy him as much as you can. Babies are so sweet!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh hi dawn-

yay and congratulations. on alllll counts. you're sounding great- i'm so happy for you adn for that. good boundaries and good results- i'm jealous as usual- good kind, not bad one.

yay and i think baby a huge auspicious sign- call me a hopeless romantic and pollyanna -

while i'm cautious to the end- i'm seeing light at the end of your tunnel maybe- huge maybe i know so do n't go proposing tonite okay??? (joke)

love ya man and i share your happiness.

this baby will REMIND everyone of the important things in life- who knows- maybe your H will all of a sudden reclaim his brain & values (from baby hyeas & some wonder will seep into his being-

a person can hope - can't she?

xxoooo ((( )))

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