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Joined: Nov 2012
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Did your W have a rough childhood? I myself had a very lukewarm childhood. No divorce, no abuse, no death, no financial problem (all not that I knew of!) my H on the other hand, had his parents divorced when he was 3 or so and he still remembers being passed around in a parking lot. His beloved step dad died suddenly at 40 something, his beloved grandpa died of an accident...

Having lived through somewhat a normal childhood, I took a marriage lightly. I shouldn't say "lightly" but I thought it wouldn't be hard. My H on the other hand was so afraid of getting married because of the failure of his parents' marriage (but they were 16 and 18! They did their best)

People around me tell me to not beat myself up and I swear I am not. I'm just realizing how lazy I had been in my marriage and most people around us had absolutely NO idea. I made very little effort to be a woman in my marriage. I presented myself very well outside of m, all my H friends think I'm such a cute, devoted wife who dresses nice and cooks home made dinner every night. They would have never even imagined that I would fart.

I got too comfortable... too comfortable that he probably felt he was like my background in my life to his eyes. I focused on organizing house, finances, every house related thing in order and I just needed a H to support me in the background. It's harsh but that's what I was probably doing. So when it came to a baby matter, he probably felt the lowest of all time. "Now she's ready to focus on a baby and skipping me"


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 86
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I'm similar to you. My childhood was good with no major problems. However my parents did end up divorcing but I was already 21 and my family was pretty much expecting it. I too thought that my marriage would be fairly easy (or at least not hard). I didn't try very hard because I just didn't think it was necessary. I got comfortable and took it for granted.

My W didn't have a terrible childhood but she wouldn't say that it was good either. She had a lot of responsibility with looking after her brother and sister. Because of it she missed out on some of the freedom that most kids enjoy. Her parents are still together but their marriage isn't good. Her dad is an alcoholic and her mom puts up with it. Her dad didn't pay attention to my W growing up and her mom was controlling. I think my W has probably felt controlled for most of her life. I think this is partially why she's seeking freedom now.


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
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This is an interesting conversation. My W had a rough childhood with her family basically disowning her. My parents got D when I was 10 and remarried a few years later. I thought marriage would be easy also. I got comfortable and lazy which I think is the biggest reason I'm even here.

The thing that I always thought was odd was that W said recently she was always thinking about D for the whole 13 years we were married. I just couldn't fathom living with that kind of fear. She had this phobia that people would leave her. So instead of speaking up and fighting for what she wanted, she says she didn't fight at all in order to save the marriage.

Might just be WAS talk, but who knows? I think it has helped me appreciate how different her thinking is from mine. Some days, I feel like I really need to relearn my W.

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Hello kingdl and sorry I missed this post! Don’t think I got a notification.

I’ve been commenting on other people’s sitches lately I was abandoning my sitch as nothing major was happening until yesterday.

From the beginning of our relationship when we started talking about marriage, I could tell he was scared. We even broke up once because she didn’t think he could do it. Later on after we reconciled and got married, he confessed that when we were talking about m, he looked around in his dirty room in an apartment he was renting with two other guys and was convinced he couldn’t possibly support me. I was very optimistic (which is rare considering I was very cynical about everything) and couldn’t understand why he was feeling that way. Now with our sitch I’m sure he’s having the same feelings he first had and he might be even thinking “see what happened to our m, I shouldn’t have married”

I’ll update my sitch later.
I’ve been encouraging other fellow WAS lately but when it comes to my own sitch it is so hard to get myself encouraged. I cried hysterically in my parked car in my garage yesterday, which hadn’t happened for the last few months.

I have to interview many people today at work and I had to sneak out to the bathroom few times today to cry between interviews.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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I feel like I'm worth much more than this but then I quickly go back thinking H probably felt exactly the same for the last few years.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 2,695
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You are worth exactly what you feel you are worth. This will pass. Self worth comes from you, not anyone else.

H mentioned the other day I was intimidating, I told him I was always insecure, but hid it under a veneer of self confidence. Now, funnily enough, I am secure in who I am and confident ( sure, still have those days where the mirror is NOT my friend, but don't we all?)

Think of what you accomplish everyday. Your worth is not tied to what someone thinks of you, even though it hurts

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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
I feel like I'm worth much more than this but then I quickly go back thinking H probably felt exactly the same for the last few years.


Use that to keep yourself humbled, but don't let it destroy your psyche.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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Hi Kate's pl Thank you for stopping by. Self-worth... Well that's my biggest life challenge I've realized. It's really nothing to do with H but it's a struggle with myself really.

I came to US when I was 16 for the first time to stay with my uncle family and I remember I couldn't speak a word of English. I was so disappointed with myself that I decided to come back next year to spend a whole month with an American host family. I remember I was so confident I could communicate with them but 10 years later when I reunited with them they said they had such a hard time understanding me when I was staying lol. I chose to go to an American school in my country to pursue studying English more seriously. I came back in US when I was 22, went to school, worked, met my now H, went back to my country for few years and came back few years ago to marry H ans I've been here since. In my culture its rare we immigrate as a family. We usually come here as in international student while leaving the whole family and friends back home. I've done all this adventure all by myself, alone in a foreign country.

After we got married I moved here "for good" While it was very exciting there's the unspoken sadness inside of me I carried on. The reality hit and I often thought about how many times I can see my family in my life?. I love my in laws from the bottom of my heart and they have been so good to me but I couldn't help but to resent few times when I was asked by my in laws to remind my H to "call grandma" or "call to say happy Mother's Day" It was like every event/celebrations are for H family. I have my family across the ocean and I have to think about what to send for Mother's Day or Father's Day but I also have to worry about reminding H for his'?

Since I don't know when but I began to think H must make me happy because I left everything back home. I left everything to be with him here. Everything was happening on my terms. Getting an apartment, decorating the house, getting a car, getting cats, getting a house, trying for a baby and IVF until BD. Don't get me wrong, I've always asked for his opinions but if his was slightly off I would try hard to somehow convince him my idea was better. As kind and laid back he was he always gave me my way.

I rambled on but what I wanna say is that I got codependent on H big time over the years. H drove everywhere we went, we spent almost every weekend together and I'd give a fit if H wanted to go with his friends on weekends.

So you see? I've really lost sense of who I am over the years. The adventurous independent girl who landed here and did everything alone disappeared after she got married. I was so busy trying to create a traditional "married life," and when things on the list were not happening I panicked and pushed harder and totally forgot about H's feelings about his ideal married life.

Since BD I've started re-learning about myself. I now drive everywhere by myself (I don't have a choice now he's gone lol) and funnily enough that alone gave me a boost of confidence and since then I have done numerous new things. When my friends invite me to do something new I say yes and I'm regretful every day I didn't try new things over the last few years.

So Thank you Kate for reminding me again that I have to keep trying new things and accomplish things on my own. I need to hear that once in a while.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Originally Posted By: PatientMan
Use that to keep yourself humbled, but don't let it destroy your psyche.

Thanks PM for stopping by. I'm not gonna lie. Some days I use it to be humbled and some days it's destroying my psyche.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Posts: 260
Journaling -

So about two weeks ago H reciprocated "in a relationship" life event OW created on FB. The date goes back to last Oct. The date was just few days after BD. This is all bizarre activity coming from him as he was not getting tired of fb altogether. It hurt like I couldn't explain but did absolutely nothing about it. I didn't ask, I didn't message him, I didn't unfriend him. Soon after I noticed he blocked me from seeing his past activities including the reciprocation. Then within the next few days he finally unfriended me. To be completely honest, the unfriending hurt less than seeing reciprocation and it even relieved me somehow. Soon I realized I felt that way because now I don't have to be afraid going on fb. I don't have to be afraid of seeing possible their interactions.

After this event I had a coach session and my coach advised me to be more active on fb now H unfriended me. I found this advice very valuable. If he hadn't suggested that I would have still abandoned fb altogether. He instead suggested I should actively start posting about how well I'm doing etc. After the session I changed my profile picture and started posting again when went out with my friends. I noticed my fb friends (most of them are H's family and friends) liked my pictures and postings - it's like they have been waiting to see me.

I also received a change of address confirmation letter from USPS about a week ago. H must have finally completed it online. That broke my heart, period.

Few days after that, I texted him "How are you? Would you please send me pics of XX when you get a chance?" I was asking him to take pictures of one of our cats he took with him. I didn't say anything about fb activity including unfriending me. I sent it around 10pm and saw that he read it but I didn't get a reply the whole night. I got tired and went to sleep. When I woke up I still didn't get a reply. That morning I had a weird thought that he might reply around the time he gets to work. In the past he usually does his personal texting, checking news etc first thing in the morning at work before the real work begins. I was right. He texted me right about the time when I was enjoying my morning coffee. He replied "I'm doing well. Work is keeping me very busy. I think XX has gotten fatter (sad face) I'll send pics when I get home" We exchanged few more texts solely about the cat. I didn't get any picture until 10pm that night and I figured he forgot, which again hurt me a bit only because I was really hoping he'd keep his promise. Expectations I know. I fell asleep but when I woke up in the middle of the night I noticed he sent me pictures around 11pm after I fell asleep. I said a Thanks text following morning, also around my coffee time.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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