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#2360131 06/20/13 06:05 PM
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I was on these forums about 5 years ago and they saved my life. They got me through a seriously dark time. An out line of what happened is as follows.

About 8 years ago I had an affair with a friend of my husbands. No sex but that was due to no opportunity rather than guilt I am sad to say. The next few ears were full of xh staying home and leaving home . We tried to fix the marriage. I never saw or contacted the guy I had affair with again.

Well about 3 years on and ex comes home and tells me he had met someone. That was the end. I discovered this site, realised I could not fight for a marriage with 3 people in it. I began following some amazing advise on here and eventually I merged out the other side , thinner but alive.

So in last 5 years ex has moved in with her ( I call her RAG ) but has on occasion declared she is just a friend. Xh and I rarely talk. Our kids are grown. The most we talked was when his factory burnt down. He turned to me and proclaimed I was the only one eh
Who would understand and he was right. I supported him 100%. Once the dust settled he retreated further into his cave.

We recently travelled to Las Vegas from New Zealand for my d 21st. Xh insisted we travel separately and we had a few little talks but not much. We have never argued, our financial split of assets was instigated by me ( which I believe he resents ) . We are not yet divorced. Neither one of us files.

2 weeks ago we attended a 50th party ( him with rag and me with my boyfriend of 2 years ). This was the first time I had seen him with her and it was differ cult and uncomfortable and we were in large venue. My son has just bought a home and he wishes to have house warming party with everyone and I know that I cannot be in the that close proximity to ex and rag. To yuk. So I asked my son if he would mind if we split our time with him on that day. He said fine but I was to work it out with dad. So I duly sent him an email and this was what I got back


Just like to say I do not consider Linda a girl friend as you put it, I have no ties with her and am free to walk anytime, I'm easily content and she is providing everything I need at this time, I enjoy her company and she is not demanding in anyway, who knows what the future will hold, she may think other wise but I don't care. While for now working the Norrie Street mortgage down I'm content to carry on what I'm doing.

I old like people's thoughts on why he would tell me such. Should I still have hope and what should I do

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bump


Me 54
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Ask him rather than trying to guess.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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I could not begin to comprehend why he would send an email like that, however I'm sorry to say, I think you are trying to read something in it that is just not there.

If you want to restore you marriage, you should work toward that end. Is there a reason neither of you have sought to finalize your divorce? You said that you have someone in you life, is that just to fill the void left by your H?


Me 54
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I feel literally like i am in no mans land. I love my new guy to bits , but i dont ever want to marry him, and i wont have him move in. As for my XH I cannot comprehend how we would ever get back together. I believe i loved him but now i just feel like ----------------------------- dead. No feelings at sll . But i think that because I cant move forward I am hoping for the past. Cant let go. thought about theraphy for this but trying you guys first.

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"I love my new guy to bits , but i dont ever want to marry him,"

Why not?

"and i wont have him move in."

Why not? If you don't seem to want to progress and grow with this new guy it's unfair to him. Cut him loose so he can be with someone who really wants to see to his needs.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I suppose I am waiting for something to happen. I don't know what , but something that propels me forward . It's a horrible feeling . I think my problem is that my guy is nt my ex. I keep comparing. He is different but not in a bad way . Not fair I know but is this human nature . I know it is what is keeping me from being content .

Years on new from my infidelity I really can see the pain I caused. I understand myself so much better and I have some serious apologising to do. I dd all the apologising years ago , but looking back it is only time that has really made me feel it

So is this the time to write the letter to to xh . Apologising for not just the affair but previous years abuse and disrespect ? Could I use this to see f a reconciliation is possible or do I just leave sleeping dogs lie and to be honest why do I want back?

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Write the letter to clear the old hurt that he is probably still carrying the scars of. Don't do it because you believe it would lead to R. That would be selfish.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Anyone else felt this ?
I am in a loving relationship , but I can't even get my head around living together with him. He stays 4 nights a week, wants to look at buying a house together etc etc but its like I have something stuck in my throat and I think it's my ex

Can't go back, tooooo much water under the bridge or let's say I would not know where to start the work. My ex says things which I believe is mixed messages ( remembering I am a woman that reads anything into anything ) , we are not divorced and I have no inclination to do the paperwork.
So what now !
How do I see my path ahead

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Hi,
Yes, lots of folks feel that, afraid to make another committment or still emotionally connected to spouse, especially since you are not divorced. It does keep you stuck. It would be good to get clarity on what your goal is. If you still think somewhere deep inside that you might get back with your husband (or even if you are not sure), it would be so helpful to talk to a DB coach to get closure or to be sure that relationship is over and how to go forward and be able to fully committ to a new relationship. There are coaches available for that type of work.


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
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