My WAW story

[JRG]

Troubling thoughts the last week or so. I've really started thinking that my situation is my opportunity to have the life that I originally thought I would...marrying, settling down, starting a family...the typical story. During our M my W realized that she didn't want a family. I thought that I became content with that. Now I've been thinking a lot otherwise. I'm having more and more thoughts that I really should move on and seek the life that I had origially dreamed. It scares me though. I can't yet fully imagine being apart from my W forever. I still love her and have feelings for her. I can't yet fully imagine being with someone else either. I feel like I'd be taking a risk of being alone for a long time if I pursued these thoughts while seaching/dating. Dating scares me.

I realized that being alone is a huge fear of mine. I'm not sure why though. I am very self-sufficient and have no problems making a living for myself. I can take care of myself just fine. I guess I really fear being lonely. I have this feeling that I NEED to be in a M or an R to not feel lonely. I wonder if that's why I want a family?? To help surround myself with poeple. Or is wanting a family coming from a normal human desire? This is tough...

[JRG]

Will I eventually get to a point when I know for SURE that I'm ready to make a move with my current M (unless the W gets there first)?

[DFE]

JRG I think wanting a family and someone to love are completely normal feelings. I too love my family and my H. I fear being lonely as well. Again another normal felling. I think it's ok to have those fears and needs but our decision to stay in our M shouldn't be based on them. You should want to stay with your W or H because you love them not because you don't want to be alone.

[stilllookingup]

You and me both JRG.
I want a family. I want a family with my H. I struggle every day with the thought of not having a family. Some days I just want my H back but some days I think otherwise.

It's funny though he's never said he doesn't want to have kids but he's said "I don't want to be a dad. I cannot have my kid to be passed around in a parking lot like I was" In case I haven't mentioned his dad just finalized a D from his 4th wife at 50 something. Not a great role model for a "lasting marriage"

My first counselor even told me "You can't define yourself by having kids" (I don't see her anymore) but why is it such a bad thing I want to have a family with the man I love and I want to experience giving birth. Why is it bad for not wanting to be alone? I left my whole family and friends in my country to be with my H here. I dreamt of starting a family of our own in this country.

I really understand your feelings JRG. It is hard.
I know there must be somebody who will love to have a family with me and I know my friends are thinking just that. "Why is she waiting when she can date other people?" But I am DB-ing because I know my H once wanted to have a family with me until I turned into a baby monster last year. I want to see if he can go back to wanting to have a family with me again. If he doesn't then I'll move on. The last thing I want is for him to come back to me out of guilt. I only want him to come back because he wants to have a future with me (and that includes having kids - because this dream of mine will NEVER change)

[chasingpavements]

Will I eventually get to a point when I know for SURE that I'm ready to make a move with my current M (unless the W gets there first)?

Hi JRG. I am dealing with the same thing as you right now, doubting constantly whether I should stay or leave. I am switching back and forth with my decision every 10 minutes sometimes! When it is time to move on and separate, if that is the case, you will know it is time and be certain. You won't be ping-ponging back and forth anymore, one side will just take over. You wouldn't want to separate unless you were 100% certain.

[JRG]

Thanks ladies.

I seriously, seriously doubt my W would ever change her mind about starting a family. I keep telling myself that I need to pursue what I truly want, but I'm still not ready to say goodbye to my W. If she all of a sudden came to me asking to work on us, I'd be confused about what to do! I love her but she can't (won't, more correctly) provide me with what I really think I want. Just a month ago I was 99% sure that I wanted her back. Now I'm seriously evaluating what I want in life, just like she must have been doing (and still is I guess) for who knows how long. Ironic...am I turning from a LBS into a WAS (who didn't actually do the walking)???

[JRG]

Having a lonely weekend. Didn't make any plans and now I'm paying the price. Doing a lot of crying today. It's making me dwell on my situation. GAL'ing can be so hard for people like me that aren't used to socializing and meeting others. I've been looking into groups to join or meetups but there aren't many to select from, unless I want to drive an hour or more away.

I keep trying to tell myself...this is only a small timeframe in my life! It WILL end!

[etc]

JRG, you're not alone.. I'm in exactly the same boat as you this weekend. I'm having a hard time figuring out how to make new friends in the area.

ETC

[stilllookingup]

Did you say you are going to find another counselor? You need some place where you can only be sad about this or you'd go crazy! My whole family is in my mother country so I don't even have my immediate family's shoulder to cry on here. And I don't ever talk about my sitch to my friends anymore. My MIL fortunately is very sweet and I sometimes go see her but we don't talk about our situation that much. We try to talk about something else.

Instead I schedule IC every 2 weeks or so and DB coach where I can. Like you I didn't like my original counselor so I recently switched to a new one and thank god I did. New one lets me be sad, lets me grieve whereas the original one was so upbeat that she didn't give me a place to be sad. I often well up while working out at the gym but strangely I find it little relaxing because everyone's busy working out so they don't know I'm crying

Today I don't have a plan either except DB session I had this morning, which was really good. My coach put some things into a different perspective than I did and now I feel like I have new tools. You and me both are going dark with no kids so we don't have excuses to contact our WAS. When you talk to a counselor they can see things differently and often suggest approaches you've never thought of before.

Try to find a place where you can release your sadness and then GAL

[JRG]

Hi all. Haven't been posting much lately because not much has changed...although I have started seeing another counselor. This one seems much better than my previous one.

My W and I haven't seen each other face to face in several weeks. The little communication we do have is by email, typically about business related items.

My feelings since my last couple of posts haven't changed. I find myself more and more wanting to create a life that includes starting a family. That life simply won't exist with my W. I'm still not ready to "pull the plug" though. I assume it's because I still love her and have feelings for her. I keep wondering if I'll ever know FOR SURE that it's time to D?? I feel like I'm waiting for the inevitable.