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Originally Posted By: Judd
Ive read the rules over and over yet do they really work? I can see maybe or maybe push them further away were is a gurentee something please


Of course there were Never any guarantees, & we cannot offer you any now.
The "rules" are merely guidelines sandi assembled, based on DB principles.

Obviously, if your spouse says you "never pursued her" or "ever showed interest"
Then SOME of the rules would take a backseat to the 180s.

If you are looking for ANY guarantee then i will only be able to give you a few.
I "guarantee" you will Not be more attractive to your spouse by pleading, or radiating misery.
It's not appealing & it does Not "prove" your love.
I "guarantee" that doing Needed 180's are helpful.

Under All circumstances, becoming the Best YOU possible, i.e., "a man/woman only a fool would leave" gives You the best chance at happiness,
with or without your spouses return.
Do an honest inventory & strongly consider the feedback your WAS gave you.
Then do YOUR work...
IF there's a secret to this, that's it.
But I think even when you do your work & make permanent needed changes, of course it might still be too little too late.

Does that mean it's not worth it? I sure hope not.

Because if the only reason you are making any changes is to get your spouse back, you're missing the most valuable piece of this journey.
Plus your changes are not real, they're tactics.

Stay with an approach long enough to know if it's working. There are rarely fast results in this process. Don't pin your hopes on a few grand gestures.

Consistent changes + sufficient time = change a spouse can believe in.

Make the NEEDED changes in you, b/c You believe they are valid changes You want to make. You'll be a better person & sometimes, that has to be enough.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 302
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Yay 25yearsmlc I am glad to see a success story. I saw in your signature line that you have put your marriage back together. That gives me hope.

I agree begging and pleading are the only ways to guarantee that this won't work. You lose your self esteem and your spouse loses their self respect for you.


M12
Kids 2
ILYBINILWY 08/05
Reconciled 05/06
S07/12
Moved back 03/13
Separated Again 06/24/13
Back Again (his choice) 02/14
Leaving again 03/23/14
DIVORCED 02/15
DFE #2364612 07/06/13 09:11 PM
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DFE,
Like you, I was very angry at my h for selfish choices.
But my DB coach gave me great advice, which i learned to follow.

Lose the anger & work on real forgiveness.
It is NOT condoning their actions. Forgiveness
Means letting go of the past & doing what
Our vows said to do, " go from this day forward."

You admit he did this twice before, but nothing was resolved when
You reconciled. I don't call that a real reconciliation.
More like, he just moved back in.

***Without NEW TOOLS & New behaviors

How can we expect to improve our marriages?

Isn't it clear we'll be right back here again, if we
Learn nothing and repeat the same behaviors?***

Do this DB approach because You want to live a life unencumbered by pain from
The past. You want the weight of the past OFF your shoulders (but not on his!)

If your h knows he's going to come home to an angry or
Disappointed wife, might he Not want to come home?

For a long time i resented my h's career choices (medicine) & when he'd
Work late for extra cases, i blamed him for putting the
Accolades of his colleagues or patients ahead of his family's needs.

Sometimes i was "factually right", other times not. But being "Right" is Not as important as being happy or loving!

Back then, i feared being warm/loving when he'd come home late.
I did not want to "reward" his selfish choices, after all.

So For years he came home to a w with her arms crossed, literally & figuratively.

Took me a great DB coach to ask
" how is THAT approach working?" And
What are you teaching your kids?

And my fav question,

"What if you gave your h a loving home to return to? Might he miss that more than an angry "right" wife?" Yikes, for an educated woman, i sure could be stubborn.

My DB coach was so totally right.

My h never takes extra cases now, unless he needs to AND he asks me my opinion. That's a big change in him, which followed huge changes in Me.

Please let go of the past and work on problems you now have.

The anger, (or at least showing him that anger from the past), only makes it seem impossible that he'll ever be out of the dog house with you.
Plus it sounds as if you blame him for all of it.

Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth.

That does Not mean be a doormat. No marriage is worth saving "at ALL costs", but you can only change You. That's where the focus must be.

Good luck!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
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PS see if Retrovaiile is in your area. It's just for couples in crisis. Really eye opening and very helpful.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 302
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Wow nicely said. You are right he just moved back in. I now regret not using his return as a chance to work on things. Instead I let me anger take over. Instead of giving him a warm and loving house to come home to he knew coming home it would be to my attitude and my passive aggressive sarcastic attitude. I shut down because I was so hurt. I hope I have the chance to change all that around. He has said he is done trying and that we just need to cut our losses but his behavior tells me otherwise.

We do have 2 kids together so I don't know if he is coming around just to see them or wants to see me too but he spends time with us and it's his choice. I just hope that we have the opportunity to put this back together. I never told him or showed him how much I loved him and how important he was in our lives. I was so angry that I always wanted to take a shot at him.

My coach is amazing too. Every time I speak to her I feel empowered. I am glad you were able to reconcile. I was starting to wonder if DB worked. Thanks for the feedback I really needed it. I have let go of the anger this time. I am done being upset. I just want him home where he belongs.


M12
Kids 2
ILYBINILWY 08/05
Reconciled 05/06
S07/12
Moved back 03/13
Separated Again 06/24/13
Back Again (his choice) 02/14
Leaving again 03/23/14
DIVORCED 02/15
DFE #2364661 07/07/13 12:12 AM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,070
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Originally Posted By: DFE
The WAS seem to have a lot of characteristics in common. Nobody understands what the LBS goes through unless they have been there themselves. That's why people can sometimes sound insensitive. I am sure your friend wasn't trying to hurt you. It's just we are super sensitive right now.

I agree it shouldn't have been repeated to you. It doesn't do any good. What purpose does it serve? Again people don't understand what we are going through. I feel like they think we are dumb and can't see what is going on. On the contrary. We see what's happening and struggle with it daily. We also see the bigger picture. We see that breaking up a home and family isn't always the best choice. And that if one spouse is in turmoil and not making the best decisions it doesn't mean we shouldn't stand up for our families and do what we know is right.


that is so true and our friends should be told about this smile I related the post to one of my friends tonight. Even though she's not as back as my other friend, she still needs reminding at times!


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
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TT,

Instead of punishing the friend for repeating what your h told her (= punishing the messenger)
Why not use that comment as insight into how your h sees things?
Because that is the truth--HE believed it when he said it, anyhow.

Contrast that negative image he has, with a Positive image or comment. For instance instead of cutting Her off, because His comment hurt you, tell her another truth, which is that you
" sure hope he's not depressed Because of you, because You want him to be happy. However, you've learned that WE are all Each responsible for Creating our own happiness."
And you wish nothing but good things for him. That's a loving healthy comment to make.

Then be upbeat, showing your new PMA.

Otherwise, by feeling angry & hurt because HE told her he's feeling better now, you just fuel His concerns...you must counter those negative views, not confirm them.


Make sense?

Remember, this isn't about being "right" and we MUST NOT keep scorecards in our marriages.

Even good families sometimes hurt each other.
The lethal problem is when we keep a litany of grievances and constantly Measure what We THINK WE have done that was good, vs what We think They have done to harm us.

Our spouses have a different scoring system. Usually, on THEIR scorecards, we are Not ahead...
So i strongly suggest you drop the scorecard. TT, if i recall your family dynamics well, you were brought up with lots of score keeping, judging, controlling and some co-dependent issues.

You do Not have to repeat those behaviors in your marriage.

You Can break the cycle & you must, if you are to move forward.

Like my coach said, Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth...

so don't make it harder than it already would be, for him to come home.

None of this means you should Enable him to avoid responsibilities, but it's not your job to teach him a lesson or show him the consequences of his actions either.

As my coach said, " Life teaches them lessons, not spouses."

I think you need to do some deeper digging, and be brave about it.

Those of us on the " other side of this ordeal" all had to face some things in us that were Not easy or fun to face.

But it's so worth it.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,070
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Yes you are so right MLC smile I haven't actually cut off my friend that made that comment and maybe H did say it. I have been starting to got this house in some sort of order now since I've left college.
I don't get in touch frequently with my friend that made the comment either. She's got issues of her own and lacks PMA real bad! Everything that comes out of her mouth is negative, this is because she's suffering from depression at the mo. I'm trying to keep my PMA up and when I'm with her, she just brings me down.
I will do what you suggest and turn these negative statements into positives smile I can't do that with her though as she'll bring it back to a negative! She's what you call a toxic friend. She thinks that I shouldn't be hopeful that H will come back home eventually and she doesn't want me to get hurt. I keep telling her that I'm not being that hopeful and I won't get hurt. I'm being realistic, but for my PMA I need to have a tiny bit of hope tucked deep inside me smile Does that make sense?


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,070
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Originally Posted By: Hopeingforher
New question with the rules it says no gifts but my anniversary is comeing up soon should I get her something or just causally say happy anniversery


I wouldn't even acknowledge it! My H left a few days before our anniversary and I just ignored the whole day as if it was a normal day! My MIL phoned to say she'd put some money in the bank and perhaps me and my son would like to go out for a meal or do something. It took me a bit to realise that it was our anniversary and I said I'd forgotton, lol.


H47 me48
T22 M21
S20 - Got high functioning autism
3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her
11/2000 H moves back home
2/4/13 H moves out
H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Dear Hoping,

I don't know your situation but I'm sure this is Not a one size fits all.

The issues are usually centered around Not pursuing, versus those who need pursuit due to the dynamics of their situation. Love Languages play into this as well.

My former BIL left my sister after 22 years if m, and 3 kids...On their anniversary, He sent flowers with a note saying "it's still worth remembering."

Though my sister shed some tears, she was also very touched.


Hope, if there are children from the marriage, isn't it true that If the only way you could have those children in your life - was to endure all that you have endured,

you would do it all again, in a heartbeat? (That's good for your kids to know as well, btw).
IMO there's nothing wrong with acknowledging the gifts the marriage will always have provided...

I assume your issue, Hope, is that you do not want to appear to be pursuing her?
Is there a way you can show gratitude for the kids and a PMA, without appearing to pursue her?

I will have to review your thread perhaps.

Good luck


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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