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A Message from Michele
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Can DBing and DRing work in low conflict marriage? #2362753
06/29/13 10:50 PM
06/29/13 10:50 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2
Limey Offline OP
New Member
Limey  Offline OP
New Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 2
I am new to the community and have been wondering for a few nights what to ask and what title to give it. I have recently bought DB and am 3/4 of the way through it and am still very worried, like most newbies to the forum, about the state of my marriage and if we can rescue it from it's current path towards the sinister dark cloud that is the Big D.
I could waffle on for hundreds of lines of how our marriage got to where it is today but then again I suppose I could use a few of the abbreviations and acronyms that I have learnt since joining the forum. I work in IT and I thought we were bad for TLA's and FLA's, I stand corrected!

Ok in a nutshell.....
Together 13,
Married 9
S 7
S 4
Discovered W's OEA end of Jan 2013

We went to marriage counselling in UK (Relate) which opened up communication between us and just caused us to have or 1st real and regular arguments. Of the 9 sessions we had, the counsellor did not suggest more than 1 or 2 positive things we could try to do to improve our relationship.
I have had a huge wake-up call and also realised that my W has always buried her head in the sand to avoid conflict and not talk about 'hard' things. Now after years of this she has said ILYBNILWY and can not see a way back for us. Other things she has said that I have read about in the Forum and in DB book include;
The OEA, which BTW she denies was anything other than friendship, has not changed the way she feels about me;
She see's me more like a brother and it feels wrong to kiss or be intimate with me;
If we stay together she will always be unhappy;
If she stays with me its just for the sake of the children
She is disappointed with 'where' we are in life (still struggling financially and not happily married)

After giving her space, for a couple of months, to try to work things out she has admitted, with a lot of leading questions from me, that whenever she does think about us and our relationship, that she keeps asking herself the same questions over and over and getting the same answers. A small glimmer of hope is that she has a couple of weekends ago agreed to read a couple of books. The two books she has are DR and Project Happily Ever After.
I suppose that is just about up to date and I have waffled on for far longer than I intended.
Back to my original question....does anyone have any advice or success stories for people who were in low conflict marriages as most of the DB book that I am reading seems to focus on marriages where people argue or where the H is emotionally withdrawn from W?
Thanks for listening!

M-9 years
Together-13 years
S-7, S-4
Re: Can DBing and DRing work in low conflict marriage? [Re: Limey] #2363188
07/01/13 09:48 PM
07/01/13 09:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
KarenR Offline
KarenR  Offline
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 477
I am glad you found us. I am sorry you didn't find a solution based therapist in the UK, because they would of helped you come up with a plan that could help change the path of your relationship. Solution based oaching is for all relationships and not just very adversarial ones! You are ahead of the game if you can learn to do and say things in a way that could get a chink in the armour of your wife. Please call to talk to a DB coach, they are experts in helping 'all couples' figure out the best plan to be successful. Take good care

Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting« Coach.

Moderated by  Virginia 

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