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oh no... again I am so sorry he continues to lie to you. Have you thought about talking to an Attorney? Not saying you need to take any action, just see where you stand legally.


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I am not exactly sure of your DB coaches advice but does he think you should have any boundaries at all?

Certainly sleeping with him could be dangerous to your health.

I do not believe continued pursuit is not going to bring him back.

What 180's is your coach advising and why?


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Originally Posted By: Cadet
I do not believe continued pursuit is not going to bring him back.


ARG where is the edit button when you really make a mistake.

Should read like I quoted above

I did not mean to write a double negative


Me-70, D37,S36
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Hi NNP...I have and will. I did a little internet searching concerning rights in my state and did learn a few interesting things. Courts generally award alimony for up to 1/2 the number of years married...so for us that would be 12. Also, generally if a spouse hides assets, those are generally awarded to the LBS as well.

Obviously I have not wanted to go down this road and still don't. I think that is why I have put it off for so long.


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
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H moved out 10/11/13
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H moved out again 8/1/14
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
I am not exactly sure of your DB coaches advice but does he think you should have any boundaries at all?

Certainly sleeping with him could be dangerous to your health.

I do believe continued pursuit is not going to bring him back.

What 180's is your coach advising and why?


Did not discuss "boundaries" with DB coach at all. We mostly talked about a stragegy to initiate a conversation about his not offering up his secrets. As far as 180's go, she asked "how do you feel when H comes home after being gone most of the day on a weekend" and I said he probably sees me as sad and moody. So my big 180 is to Act As if and be positive and happy and be someone he wants to be around. She also said that by me acting that way, it further justifies in his mind "why not cheat? she already believes I am so I might as well


Me - 49
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S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
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Abbey -

How many years has this been going on now?

I do think you have to start asking yourself, what exactly you will have "won" if he ends the affair.

I mean, this is a guy who has lied repeatedly to your face, compromised your family's financial affairs, and ignored your concerns.

If his affair just peters out, do you really think you will be able to trust him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?

It seems to me, the best likelihood (in YOUR sitch, at THIS time - not suggesting this to other posters) - but the best likelihood of YOUR H doing the work that needs to be done to fix this, is for you to be willing to walk away. He's had no consequences so far for his affair.

Sure, the OW may be getting tired of waiting, or he may be getting tired of her, and maybe if you were super-attractive and flirtatious he would drop the affair. But him dropping the affair without doing the hard work to become a better and more honest person - just leaves you still married to a guy who cheated and likely will cheat again.

On the other hand, if you TRULY call him on all this, back it up with proof that even he can't deny, and make it clear you are ready to walk away - he MIGHT - only might - come to his senses and start some real counseling and work on himself. And if he doesn't? Do you really want to be with a guy who wouldn't fight for you?

Yes, I know all about MLC, and you've been remarkably patient - but this has gone on for YEARS now.

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Originally Posted By: too trusting
abbey, I am sorry you are still having to put up with this.


But she doesn't have to put up with it.


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
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DD11
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W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
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Originally Posted By: kml
Abbey -

How many years has this been going on now?

I do think you have to start asking yourself, what exactly you will have "won" if he ends the affair.

I mean, this is a guy who has lied repeatedly to your face, compromised your family's financial affairs, and ignored your concerns.

If his affair just peters out, do you really think you will be able to trust him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?

It seems to me, the best likelihood (in YOUR sitch, at THIS time - not suggesting this to other posters) - but the best likelihood of YOUR H doing the work that needs to be done to fix this, is for you to be willing to walk away. He's had no consequences so far for his affair.

Sure, the OW may be getting tired of waiting, or he may be getting tired of her, and maybe if you were super-attractive and flirtatious he would drop the affair. But him dropping the affair without doing the hard work to become a better and more honest person - just leaves you still married to a guy who cheated and likely will cheat again.

On the other hand, if you TRULY call him on all this, back it up with proof that even he can't deny, and make it clear you are ready to walk away - he MIGHT - only might - come to his senses and start some real counseling and work on himself. And if he doesn't? Do you really want to be with a guy who wouldn't fight for you?

Yes, I know all about MLC, and you've been remarkably patient - but this has gone on for YEARS now.

Great advice, and even if it is MLC, no one would tell you to be a doormat.

STANDING is not STILL.

MOVE FORWARD.


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Amen.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hi...thank you all for being my sounding board. No one else to talk to.....I know that my sitch must sound pathetic. So H traveled to Vegas today. His meeting wasn't until tomorrow. Staying at a more swanky hotel than the usual Residence Inn off the strip. He was supposed to have "dinner" with a business partner at the hotel and he is trying to "earn his trust".

Meanwhile, I had a nice afternoon with S22...went to a funny movie and had dinner together. H said he would call, but I realized when I woke up at 2am that he didn't. OH WOW....I called his cell (ring no answer) and his hotel room ("guest not available). Why I do these things is beyond me.

So I called his cell one more time.....and the phone was answered....and it sounded like he was walking or something? Call terminated, and then he called and said he was walking down to the lobby to get a "water" because he didn't want to pay $12 for a bottle of water in the room. Ummmm expense it! Supposed to be a business trip. He is so full of it. Obviously, this was not just a business trip and he had to leave the room to take my call. I am just so over making all of this so easy on him.

So, have spent these early a.m. hours setting up my plan. I plan to hire a PI to find out two important pieces of information. 1) What was the final judgement in the Workers Comp case and 2) The $700/mo rent check - location of rental and who lives there.

Per phone records, H did call an attorney today. Someone who specializes in commercial litigation. (workers comp case from OW's project?) OMG! Freaking out.

So while H is out of town tomorrow, I am going to set up a meeting with an attorney. So scared and alone right now.

Thank for listening.....


Me - 49
H - 56
S - 23
D - 20
Married 25 years
H moved out 10/11/13
H moved back in 10/13/13
H moved out again 8/1/14
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