constant reminders - triggers

[kml]

You there, Abbey? What happened this weekend?

[abbey1989]

hi KML....been struggling. When I found all of that information in H's briefcase in the garage...I was devastated. He came home that night, and I couldn't sleep. We ended up ML, but not since then. I am working 100% remote now, out of our home office. H mostly is now also. Did I mention that while he was out of work for 1 1/2 yrs. we were living off of savings? He just started this consulting job at the beginning of May. He has started making quite the income, but since I am no longer in control of the $, in fact I don't even have a login to the bank account, I'm feeling very frustrated. BUT...I found his login information and logged on today, and got access to not only the new business account but his "secret" bank account. Before clicking a wrong button and getting logged out, and now can't get logged in again, I found out he wrote a rent check $700 to someone in April. BEFORE he started this job. I printed out a copy of the check. I saw that he has had meals out at places we have gone together (but I wasn't there) All of this has been going on while his parents are here from Colorado. OMG...and I work from home. I love them, they are sweet. I want to tell them that there SOB son is living a double life, and I am going to get to the bottom of it. Guessing he already has his exit strategy..armed with $$, a place to live and his OW. Perfect.

Back to work, but thanks for thinking of me. Just so sad. Hope you are well?

[abbey1989]

Oh and I did talk to my favorite DB coach last Monday. It had been awhile, but she suggested that instead of "confronting" I should say something like "I've had an epiphany....you (H) have been dealing with alot of issues on your own, and maybe you have thought that I was too fragile to share with me what is going on...and I want you to know that I am stronger than you think".

Haven't even had that conversation yet since in-laws were here. But seriously is it even worth it knowing what I know now?

[abbey1989]

And DB coach advised not to ask any questions of my H where he could lie. Just don't go there.

[kml]

Ha ha, if his mouth is open, you can assume he's lying.

BUT - about that $700 rent check - what do you think that was for? Because $700 won't rent you bupkiss here in SD. Certainly not a love nest. Do you think maybe he was paying the rent for the guy who got injured?

[abbey1989]

Seriously right? But when we have been struggling for money up until May....$700 is a hefty amount of cash with 2 kids in college. I believe there is alot that I don't know about...oh but I will. I just have to be patient.

[NNP1965]

I am very sorry to read this update. I'm praying for your strength and wisdom.

[abbey1989]

awwww thanks nnp1965! Don't know who else to talk to about my sitch so just post here. Haven't talked to friends, relatives, H, anyone.

H travels now....Vegas today, Bay Area tonight and tomorrow, back on Thursday. His work is pretty stressful. I still can't help but think why the heck he has complicated his life so much by doing what he does, but he is a grown man and I'm sure he feels like he is getting ducks in a row or something like that.

I have gone through periods of time where I'm ambivalent, and then times where I feel all is good. I just wonder how many of you out there have been dealing with a spouse who just will not ever admit to his/her affair even when questioned a few times over the course of a few years? Is anyone dealing with a spouse who has been in a longtime 4+ year affair/relationship with another person and how have you handled it? I think if H would just come clean about the whole thing, I could handle it. Whatever the results. Lying by omission and just lying in general just shatters trust.

On the outside, all appears the same. We still gather with friends and family. We still go out together as a couple. But something is "missing". I know it. And now that I have confirmed his deviousness (separate mailbox, bank account, cell phone....and most likely alternate living space) I just feel like I'm a bit in limbo.

Searching for answers or signs from above! haha

Thanks for listening. Sleep well!

[mkultra]

Wow, thank you for sharing. I have read about men in stressful jobs leading double lives and compartmentalizing their family life from their vacation life. I have not experienced this but my grandmother and mother have had to deal with secret families and long term affairs. I figured this stuff happened in foreign countries and pre sixties! I am truly sorry. I can attest that this has has a long term affect on my family. My father has NEVER shown an ounce of contrition and neither did my grandfather. These men will most likely go to their graves feeling justified in having two separate women to care for! It is immoral and children do not forget. Where is the integrity? You sound so brave and positive. I would listen to your DB coach. Take her advice. Try not come from a place of bitterness and control. Remember to not snoop. In your case, it seems so detrimental because of the money, but you sound like you still want to save your marriage. Remember why men lie: to protect someone they love, or fear, or malice. What do you think? Take care! Keep us updated. Triggers are the worst!!!

PS My exH OW worked literally across the street from my pub where I worked. I drove from the back alley for three years. weird habit. I luckily never saw what she looked like and I may have beat her ass if I did!

[abbey1989]

Oh gosh...I guess my case isn't so unusual. Honestly when I think back over the course of our R, even when he asked for my hand in marriage back when I was only 24, he never happened to mention that he had been married BEFORE!! I remember being so excited the day after H gave me the engagement ring and proposed, and I said "I'm soooo excited! I've never been engaged before!...have you?" And not until that moment.....we had been dating for 10 months...did he tell me that he had been married before, and that he was only 19 at the time and he was too young. Hmmmmm when was he going to tell me? I think he has a "habit" of lying by omission.

So...I got access again to his secret bank account today. Printed everything out and the most notable thing that I notice on the surface (although the whole stack of paper is sitting on my desk and I have yet to read it) is a rent check for either $700 or $800 per month going out to someone that I've never heard of. It looks like maybe in September he put a deposit + rent because the amount was more like $1500.

During most of the period since H opened the account in Sept 2012, ....we were having TOTAL money issues (not like we fight over it or anything, but scaling way back on everything, living off of 401k, etc...never in jeopardy of losing home or anything). I wonder if this is rent for the injured person in the Workers Comp case (that I'm not supposed to know about) ...because the guy can't work....or if maybe he is splitting rent with OW somewhere until her new house is finished...Or?? But during this period, H was telling me to "Cancel your AT&T on your Ipod...we'll save $25/mo. Cancel our home phone since we have cell phones...this will save $35/mo. yada yada yada Wow!

So we are supposed to meet friends out tonight. H is supposed to meet me there. I've been trying to stay calm and be a kind person to myself mostly. It is beyond me how someone can do this. Obviously something to hide. I think I'm beyond the jealousy stage by now....numb is more like it.

So yesterday, we were talking about being relieved that he has some seriously good income now, we are able to pay things off, and I asked him point blank, stared him in the eyes, So....you have no other ongoing monthly payments? And he flat out lied. Of course.