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Joined: Nov 2012
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Just before my BD, my best friend was thinking about leaving her H of 10 years. I knew she often complained about him and said she has a divorce process site bookmarked on their computer and her husband knew etc. But the whole time I had no idea why she casually mentioned D to me when I didn’t hear any single incident that should have made her consider D.

When she decided to leave him, she told me for the first time that he is an alcoholic. I was shocked. She said she was patient for 10 years but it was time. She told him that she was leaving but her H told her he would not go to IC or quit drinking. She told him the only way she’ll stay is for him to quit drinking completely. He wasn’t badging for 2-3 weeks or so and he finally decided to quit and she decided to not leave as she promised. He quit drinking completely but refused going to IC.

Around this time, I was in my dark spot after my H broke down in July. I thought I was doing my best to change by going to IC etc. During this time my best friend shared a little story with me. She said “When you guys were here for a dinner the last time, my H said something about you. I don’t remember exactly what he said but he said something like “Why is she always like that (mean) with her H?” As soon as I heard that from her, I exploded. I blew up because I knew he was refusing to go to IC and I had already started going to IC and trying to change. She then said it’s just another person’s opinion. If somebody told me that I’d think maybe that’s something I should work on. Then I blew up again. Again this was before BD and before I found about DB-ing. Apparently I wasn't ready for criticism, especially not from somebody who was refusing to go to IC.

2 weeks later she was complaining about him again saying “Trying to change lasted only 2 weeks, I should have left him when I had the momentum” She then told me that she needed to tell me something. She swore she’d leave him if and when he ever drinks again. She wanted me to know so she’d keep her words.

A week later, she found out she was pregnant.

They just had a beautiful baby and seem happy.. but I went to visit them at home the other day for the first time the baby was born. I can’t be 100% sure but I’m pretty sure he was drinking again. I noticed that because he was kind of engaging a conversation with me and his mom in rather aggressive way. Whatever we say, he comes back and say “I don’t know about that” “That’s not true” Almost every response was cynical, which my best friend always complained about then I saw the drink in his glass and thought I smelled alcohol from him. I'm not an alcoholic and that's not why my H wanted D but being cynical was a HUGE part of the reason I believe. Talking to her H the other day made me think a lot. Is this how I appeared to him before BD? As much as what he said about me pissed me off, he was right on if this is how I was to my H.

I hope I’m wrong. But if he started drinking after the baby was born, it’s sad. Oh how I hope I am wrong.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Every since the movie "Hope Springs" came out I've always wanted to watch it. I believe it came out in theater when our problems just started surfacing that I couldn't ask my H to go see it with me. After it left theaters I read reviews on amazon and they were not that great so I didn't rent it right away.

I wish I didn't trust those reviews because I just rented it through Netflix yesterday and I absolutely loved it. Some reviewers complained about sex or how slow it was... well most of them obviously aren't going through what we are going through I guess. I thought it was well written and portrayed deeper emotions of both possible WAS and LBS. I cried throughout the movie. I saw my H in Meryl Streep's role as to how she held back a lot and also saw H in Tommy Lee Jone's role as a husband who fantasized about things but couldn't voice and felt lonely when W stopped sex for years.

I never really watched too many movies that both actors played in but wow aren't they great actors. They played the old couple really well. I thought Steve C did well as a counselor too. When he was talking I caught myself nodding as if he was counseling me! oh boy. I'm definitely going to buy the movie now.

"You have to break the nose in order to fix it" smile


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Hey, watch throwing around that old word. smile


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2012
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oh is it? Didn't know. But I didn't grow up here so I thought it was a new saying in the movie! Ha!


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
Journaling -

What we still share - joint bank accounts, cell phone carrier, car insurance and his car loan. H never really brought up separating those services so I never brought it up either. We are charged through our joint account. He put $ in our J account on his bi-monthly pay day. He's never skipped it once. Even when he was late few days I never say a word but he still does, which is a big 180 from him.

I've always managed finances and it has always been our rule to put the majority of our pay to J account every pay day because that's where we pay our bills from. But when we were together, I would always remind him to put $ in the joint if he doesn't do it first thing in the morning. It's not that I needed $ right away but I was so structured, organized and quite frankly crazy that way I just wanted to get things done on my terms. I'd text him at work on our pay days "How much?" meaning how much will he have left in his account after contributing his share to Joint. I always made sure we both had some "allowance money" left in our own accounts after we put our shares. He tells me how much he'll have and I tell him how much to put in the Joint. While it worked, we also created a very non-romantic dynamic by doing so.

Now we are separated, he puts his contribution to the Joint acct right on time without even my asking. That tells me I definitely treated him more like a child than an adult or husband for the matter. He is capable of handling responsibilities but I treated him like he needed my help in everything he did. sigh..


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 86
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
that hopefully he'll feel how it'd be like not having any contact with me.

But quite frankly I'm scared. I'm afraid he'll think I'm done with him.

Should I keep going dim or initiate something..? I'm confused ever after his last visit.


You and me both! I've been wrestling with this since my W left. I wish there was a clear answer but it seems every time someone asks this question there's either no answer or consistent answer.

I want my W to feel how life would be like completely without me, but like you I'm afraid that she'll slowly drift away from me...especially if there's AP.


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Hi JRG,

Thanks for stopping by. Going dark for me had to be done I think. Before I use to text him ALL the time. Funny pictures, funny incidents, complaints, grocery shopping lists... So not texting to get his attention is a major 180 for me too. Since he left, he commented on an old picture of his grandpa I have on my fb, asked me if I was going to his SIL family event. Neither time I initiated.

I still sent out Mother's Day cards and plan on sending Father's Day cards to his in laws. I have a great relationship with his in laws. Don't get me wrong though - I don't do those things hoping to get them "convince" H to come back because that's the last thin I want. I dont talk to them about current situation or my feelings unless asked. I simply continue having relationship with them because I deeply care about them and they care about me too. Even his best friend his wife welcomed me at their house the other day. I only told him before the visit I might cry when I see them both and he said that it is OK because we r all friends. I just couldn't believe the friendship they offer me. All these years I made excuses to not attend parties or gatherings they invited us and my H always hated and thought I didn't like them. I just can't believe how I had been the past years and I'm so mad at myself as I'm realizing all this.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 86
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Posts: 86
Hi looking...how's it going? Still going dark?


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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OP Offline
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Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
Hi JRG!

Oh ya very! The only activity of his I see is when he contributes some money in our J account on pay days twice a month. And when I get his mail here I text him to let him know and he comes to get them while I'm not here.(He still has the key to the house) We are still friends on fb but both of us rarely post anything anymore and I've been trying to not log into FB altogether so Idk if he has any updates or not. Not logging to FB feels great actually because I focus on GAL more than worrying about what I might or might not find out on FB.

I often text my H's BF and he's so great. He never tells me how my H's doing or asks me what's going with us etc. I really appreciate his friendship now more than ever and I can't help but to think how ironic it is. All these years my H wanted me to go to his friends' gatherings/parties more with him and I almost always had an excuse to not go. Not that I didn't like his friends (Actually I really really like them) but I just did not want to give up staying at home time on the weekends and go drinking.
.... man how much lazier could I have been?!? hahaha

GAL is going well. I recently went to see a movie by myself for the FIRST time in my life! It was such a big deal to me I had to encourage myself all day lol. I told H's BF before I went so I had to do it. He knows I've been trying to do new things so he encourages me more and it's been a great help. Idk if he tells my H about what I've been up to or not but it doesn't matter. I'm GAL-ing for me anyway.

I continue to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. A girl at the gym remembers my name now and she told me once she had to remember my name because I go there a lot. (Ha! never thought in a million years I would hear something like that at the gym. Me? going to the gym a LOT? that never happened before)
I look and feel better than ever and I'm exploring types of clothes I've always wanted to wear but never did.

Another small and odd GAL is Netflix. It's not really social or outgoing GAL activity but it's doing a great deal for me. I'm the kind of person who watches my fav movies over and over again. It was very rare for me to explore new movies. Since I joined Netflix, I must have watched 10-15 movies in a month. Movies usually have great messages to deliver and watching them has been great for me to realize/remember things I forgot or I've never thought of before.

I think I've said it somewhere in my thread before but I seriously secretly thank my H for giving my life back. I still wish this didn't happen this way but without this happening I would have NEVER been where I am now.

Of course I have my down time. In fact I probably have some sort of down time few times a day. I sometimes do feel resentment. I sometimes do feel I want to give up but I'm still looking up smile


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 86
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Good to hear that you're doing alright. Good job on the GAL activities. I struggle with social GAL and most of mine are things that I do alone. TV and movies have helped me too. And yes, I too have been to the movie theater by myself.

I've still been dim with my wife. Only communications have been business related. I'm finding it easier for me this way. I'm still too attached and I tend to analyze every communication for hints of something. It's hard not to.

Like you I've had secret thoughts of thankfulness for my situation. I know that I'm growing from this experience. I'm becoming a better person. Previous to this I never had any "difficult" life events that forced me to think in the manner in which I think now. I was taking too much for granted and was too much of a pessimist. Hopefully the significance of our deep emotions at this time will serve as a reminder that will last our entire lives!


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
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